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Not going away this weekend. I found out last night H plans on vacation week after next. HUH?! He 'thought' he told me...duh, NO. That's ok tho, just no $ to go away for a week though and I'm checking today IF it's possible for me to 'not' have a weekly supervised visitation so WE can at least do day things. Both of us are burning/burned out. Need down time...the nice thing WE BOTH realize it! smile

OK SL put your thoughts down here....I'm not scared. smile YOU are such an amazing person I'm very interested in YOUR journey. I just saw your thread, I am sorry about your uncle. I don't know HOW I managed to not see your thread for over a week. Brain fart I guess.

SC I hope you have a great weekend too.

Thanks to both of you for helping with MY sanity. crazy


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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Well, some of my many thoughts are as follows:

I love my husband, the man I fell in love with, but he no longer exists as such. I cannot extend that love to who he is today. I do NOT love that man. I can't accept him into my life anymore, as it will only hurt me, and keep me holding on to a fantasy of my own, of who I so desperately WANTED him to be. He is not that man right now. I don't know if he has it within himself to BE that man. I had hoped he did, hence ending Plan B and attempting recovery, as I did. My choice. I accept responsiblity for my broken heart. I took a chance and it didn't work out in my favor.

What, you may ask, is who I wanted him to be? Ah, good question.

Forgiving. That is one of the many things I wanted him to be. He is not, at least, not of me and my faults. Such a pity.

Loving. Obviously. He once was, if I don't rewrite history as if he was always a wayward POS. I had hoped he would be again (loving, that is). Hopefully, he will find this part of himself again. I hope no one in his future suffers as I have with him. HE got angry and withdrew his love.

Kind. Well, he never really was kind, so why I had hoped for it, I don't know. I suppose I had hoped he would treat me like a wounded animal, as I felt. HE did not. I was/am wounded, but I can take care of it. I just wanted him to WANT to take care of it.

I have hoped that I was at least loving. I dunno how I was during recovery (in his eyes). I can only say that I tried like hayal to be. It was oh so very difficult when faced with such anger and withdrawal. When I put my arms around him, I could feel his walls screaming go away. It was like hugging a stuffed animal, except the stuffed animal usually has a smile on it's face.

Just some of the thoughts.



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You two will have to read my post. I put in there that the three of us are just one heck of a "lot".

Oh well we have to keep smiling or else we would cry all the time.

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SL I hope YOU know (which I think you do) that if WE don't risk loving we WILL miss so much. I pray for you to eventually find 'the one' that will complete you. (((SL)))

SC thunderclouds everywhere huh?! frown


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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Supervised visitation today...I hate Wednesdays.

Found out Sunday, SOB SIL's mother is NOT doing the supervised visitation...she's dropping the kids off with him. Now to get actual proof to present at court. That HOPEFULLY won't look good for her on her custody battle nor on both of them for violating the supervised visitation rules.

These people make me want to puke. mad


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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Just a rant....
Sunday's supervised visitation was again violated. Attorney has been notified, CPS notified...now we just wait, not sure what IF anything will be done.

I did supervied visitation yesterday and it was he11. SOB SIL was very intimadating/smart as$ to me. No threats so no reason to call the police but really upseting and unnevering. DD has left message for Attorney.

I cannot do this again. My stupid lightbulb went off....I cannot keep the children safe much less myself if he should try to pull any tricks.

After describing the situation to DD she said that is exactly how he is when he's strung out. It was a scary situation for me. I'm also very mad with myself for allowing myself to be intimated but more for my stupidity in thinking I could keep them safe when I can't.


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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mvg it is scary the world we live in today.

It just sucks that you really can not do anything to the SOB UNTIL something bad happens. That is the craziest thing i have ever heard although it is true in most states.

I know after my H came back to the marriage, his FOW just would not leave me alone (while he was in the hospital she kept calling his work cell phone knowing full well i had it, but i think she was hoping he would answer).

It really made me kind of scared because my H had told me that her and the woman who lived with her had a gun and i already knew that they both were basically alcoholics and they knew where i lived and where i worked. She did not do anything but she said some pretty horrible stuff to me and to my DS, but i could not do anything about it and it sucks.

But it is different for an adult, i can protect myself, your grandchildren can NOT. The saddest part is that is thier dad (more like sperm donor) for goodness sakes. What will it take for the courts to see what a sadistic A-hole this guy is?

I have a great niece who is 7 years old. Her mother (my niece) had her at a young age and her parents (my brother and his wife) were not the greatest influence on her. So needless to say my great niece has had a HORRIBLE life. She has seen more in her 7 years than any adult that i know anyway (i guess except for her mother).

Right before my great niece was born, my brother and his wife had divorced (and you guessed it infidelity) and my exSIL moved to another state and my niece did not want to go. So when my great niece was born her and her mom stayed with me and my H for a little over a year so i have special bond with this particular great niece even though i have several of them.

My great niece has FINALLY been taken away from my niece but i do not even want to share the circumstances because it was really bad. And the worse part is that here in our state they always put the kids back with the parents eventually. I am not sure if my niece wants her back though which makes me so sad because i am such a mother.

I won't be around much after today. Even though H is not feeling great he is feeling better and i will have to do all the work (he can not lift more than 10 lbs. and nothing strenuous for 4 weeks) we are going to go camping for a few days.

We are going to a place not too far from our house because H has to work and my DS has a baseball game. I am picking up my great niece and taking her with us for a night or two i am sure she will have fun.

Well i did not mean to turn this into a novel just to tell you i am sorry for your situation but it looks like that is what i have done. I wish i had some wonderful words of advice but all i can say is that I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of YOU!!!

(((((((((((mvg)))))))))))))


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SC thanks for your support. H & I took off for a couple of days....it was great.

I hope you & your H enjoy camping, and your great niece. Take care.


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
ME 47 WH 48
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mvg that is WONDERFUL news. I am glad you two were able to get away even if it was for just a little while. I hope it brought you both back to a little bit of normalcy (don't know if that is even a word but it worked well wink ).

How are things going with the SOB and visitation. I read on the vacation thread that you had stopped and had reported them for their violations. Have you heard anymore from the courts?

I hope that the visitations can be stopped for now. It seems that he should be drug tested before he can see them.

Well i hope things are going a little better anyway and like always i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((((((mvg)))))))))))))

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Hi SC!

It was a nice few days to get away. The ocean always seems to calm me and make me realize how small I am in the grand scheme of life. Watching the sunrise over the ocean is spectacular and so beautiful.

DD FINALLY was able to see the guardian ad lidum (attorney for children). Their meeting went well AND she confirmed I am NOT under obligation by the court to continue with supervised visitation and it will NOT reflect badly on DD if I dont! grin grin grin
So my part stops NOW. smile That is a HUGE relief for me.

DD did file the violations unfortunately they will not be heard until the court date which has been moved from July to mid Sept. due to conflicts in attorneys schedules. We are NOT happy about that but not much we can do other than keep pushing to get a closer date.

We are trying to be very proactive and that makes for a stressful home life. Always trying to anticipate his/their next move.

On top of all this I went to gyn for what I thought would be an easy/nonissue female problem. Unfortunately he ended up doing a biopsy which I knew was a possibility but truly not anticipating. So waiting until the end of next week for results is also weighing on my mind. Doc was very encouraging in telling me let's NOT let assume the worse at this point but just find out what is what, and he is not wringing his hands over it at this point so hopefully can be treated with meds and not be the dreaded "c".

Phewwwwww.....there's my week, sorta sucky! I certainly YOUR life is going much better.

Thanks for being here for me. It's hard to keep everything balanced. I know our M is suffering as much as we are trying there is stress there too.




EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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Well at least you don't have to deal with the SOB during visitation anymore, i am sure that at least is a relief. Who will be doing it now though or will it just be the one time a week with his side of the family?

It seems like to me that is what he wanted anyway and that is why he was such an @ss when he was around you. His family lets him do want he wants when they have the visitation, you do not. This guy sounds like a real creep and i am sure you would rather your GC not see him at all but that will never happen unfortunately.

That WOULD really suck always having to wait for the "other shoe to drop" so to speak with the SOB. I hope things start getting better but i am sure that you will have to at least wait until you go to court before there is any change.

I had lots a female problems when i was younger so i understand the scare, but if the doc is not too worried than you shouldn't be either (i know easier said than done).

Well i wish i could help you more but sometimes i think just someone to listen to you helps a lot. I know how you a worried about the stress on the M too but right now for me anyway, i am not worrying too much about the M (don't know if that is good ar bad) but we have SO many other issues that we are dealing with (and you too).

In a way i kind of like it though, it worries me a little that my H could slip up again but we are both dealing with the stress TOGETHER this time so for whatever reason i am just not worried about another A right now.

Just try to keep your chin up and do some fun things and take care of yourself. As always i will be praying for you and your family.

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continuing rant....
SOB and his family are not happy campers right now. They are VERY perturbed I won't do visitation. Told me I WAS court appointed and HAD to do it....even sent a certified copy of custody/visitation order. Oh well...Guardian Ad Lidem said I don't, so I'm not. Monday night SOB's mother even called and asked are you able to do visitation this week??? WHAT PART of not happening does she NOT get????? geeezzzzz I told her last week I wasn't doing it and why. I even suggested she call the lawyer and they would advise her I don't HAVE to do it nor does she. Where or where is my bottle of go away stupid/annoying people???


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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mvg just checking in on you to see how things are going.

I know you are still dealing with your DD and GC, but how are things on the M front? Hopefully they are doing alright and you are not letting ST get in your brain.

Well I just wanted to let you know i am still thinking about you and your family and praying for you all.

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Ahhh thanks SC! M is hummmm....hanging on. Both of us are trying very hard, trying to not make previous mistakes. Unfortunately yeah I do have ST from time to time, especially if H is on internet. I do still check the history files etc, I just wonder if he's gotten smarter on that. I do realize HE has NOT given me reason to suspect him at this time, maybe it's just all the other stressors, I feel I can't let my guard down. It gets VERY tiring trying to juggle so much.

On a good note, my biopsy came back ok. smile

Prayers to you! Take care and check in.


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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On a good note, my biopsy came back ok.

Well hallelujah! That is really good news.

I wonder at what point in recovery that the BS begins to feel less like a warden and more like a partner? I hated checking the email and other accounts. I hated that I was in that position of what amounted to keeping tabs on PWC. I guess the difference is that PWC was very angry and cagey about having to share this info, so I didn't feel at ease checking it. It was just a bad situation, very stressful.

I hope for the tide to change for your family. It's been very rough for you guys lately. Hang in there, mvg.



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I wonder at what point in recovery that the BS begins to feel less like a warden and more like a partner?

Sure would be nice to have a timeline on that! For me I wonder if it's just the insecurity...shoot I guess after any type of A there's the insecurity. Fantasy exploded ya know?!

Happy note...SOB SIL was convicted of Domestic Violence! smile

Not so happy put in a 1st offenders program which if he completes and stays good will be dismissed in 2 yrs. I hope I'm not a truly 'bad person' to hope he screws it up.

Still have custody battle to deal with in September or sooner. New to mix SOB SIL's mother has retainted counsel to fight for custody or grandparents rights, we're not sure which.

Funny thing tho...she does supervised visitation her attorney requested an amendment on that...to have someone else listed also, but judge wouldn't hear anything pertaining to custody because DD attorney wasn't present.

All in all as nerve racking as the proceedings were outcome was the best we could realistically hope for.


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
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mvg that is wonderful news about your biopsy and the SOB. Like you said that is probably the best you are going to get for now.

I certainly hope that things keep improving for you, you certainly could use some good things right now.

I am still feeling kind of bad so i am not posting much and only read you, and SL for the most part. I am really tired of feeling crappy. I was feeling a little better earlier in the week but for some reason today is a bad day.

Well just keep on keeping on and good luck with everything. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

SC

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I am really tired of feeling crappy

You've gotta question if this is at all normal, in terms of recovery (however NORMAL that can possibly be). Maybe I don't mean normal, but standard. I remember always feeling a little angry and sad every single day. It never abated to the point that it didn't affect me. I tried and tried to focus on something else. It was so difficult while living with Zombie (PWC is now Zombie--I like it--it fits)

People will question YOU about what YOU are doing SC, and I think that grows old after months and months of working and waiting for the tide to change. There's only so much you CAN do. When do you call a recovery stalled? I know you get tired of hearing this, but can you contact the Harleys or another marriage coach? I understand finances are tight.


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SL THIS time i am not feeling crappy about the M, actually things are pretty good in that area. It is these stupid panic attacks, that have pretty much been non-stop since July 5.

I am shaky all over inside and out, i can't eat because it just goes right through me and i am in the bathroom, i am dizzy and lightheaded. I basically just feel miserable.

I am going to a pyschologist now but have only had two visits, i have not decided if it has helped or not. I do have brief moments (mainly when i am at home) that i feel okay but for the most part i am a mess.

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SL THIS time i am not feeling crappy about the M, actually things are pretty good in that area

Oh, well, this is really good news. I misunderstood, ASSUMED you were talking about the M. See, Mimi's right, NEVER ASSUME.

I'm so sorry to hear about the panic attacks. Sounds like PTSD. I'm glad you are seeking professional help. Sometimes, you just need someone to help you suss out the root of the turmoil.

((((SC))))


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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