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Originally Posted by fiori
This means that I cannot speak to her either. So, do you break this rule?

Under the circumstances, it will do no good. Exposure to work will be more effective.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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fiori Offline OP
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this,
No, she has not moved into the building. There is a proposed date of October 30 for them to move. They will be on another floor, but too close for my comfort. The reason she wrote to him is that the person who was was working on the project with reports directly to H. This person was given the email a while after because it was never responded to.

But, my problem is that her comfort level with a contact is obvious. She obviously has no trepedation as to whether or not she can contact him. I really want to contact her and make her go away. Is it illegal to go to her, make myself known and simply remind her that she needs to quit or I'll see to it that she's fired? The very first time I met her she was concerned that I'd get her fired. Now I regret that I did not. My H's co-workers are a bunch of boobs. If I contacted one of them they would not care in the least. He's already contacted her boss twice and had them speak with her regarding personal contact. So, she just made it about work....so I suppose this seems ok to her. And, he's the VP. Does he NOT fix work related issues just because he's dumb and she's a ho?

Sorry, I'm a little bitter today. It's a foolish feeling to be taken advantage of like this. I don't want to kick him out. I know he's worth it. But, I'm not going to stand by while he wipes his feet on me. He fails to see how he's making a fool of me. He believes that business and emotions can be seperated. Obviously not or I would not be her.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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H works very closely with one guy in particular. I have considered calling his wife and chatting with her and seeing whether or not it would be beneficial to get more info regarding OW. This person also works closely with her and lives in her state. What do you think about this approach? I would help her if she came to me.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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Originally Posted by fiori
Is it illegal to go to her, make myself known and simply remind her that she needs to quit or I'll see to it that she's fired?

I don't know about legalities but why waste your time with a threat (which is more likely to be the illegal part). Just go ahead and do it!!!!

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I don't think there is really anything you can do about OW especially when she can just use work as a reason to contact him.

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H works very closely with one guy in particular. I have considered calling his wife and chatting with her and seeing whether or not it would be beneficial to get more info regarding OW. This person also works closely with her and lives in her state. What do you think about this approach?
Yeah, I would do that. You need to get a clearer picture of what is going on here. I don't think you are getting the full story...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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How to Plan B Correctly
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fiori Offline OP
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Unfortunately the guy is home sick today so I'll just wait til tomorrow to contact his wife. I could also contact him directly, but even though H is being a turd, I still think there has to be some level of territorial respect. I know....I'll smack myself with the 2X4!!! Anyway, you treat people like you'd want to be treated. I don't follow the idea about two wrongs....my gut just says it's wrong. But, his wife....I feel ok about that, sort of.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
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Hi Fiori,

I don't post much and have never posted to you but I read your entire thread this morning cause I still fantasize about confronting the OW. I don't even know what she looks like except what DH has told me.

Wouldn't this be the perfect time to take that NC letter out of moth balls? It would let OW know that your FWH is serious. She obviously is a little dense. I would also contact HR. It would be so much easier if she quit. Did you ever expose to OWH? I think he should be contacted again even if you already have.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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I know this isn't a popular opinion per se, and maybe I just got lucky, but making myself known to the skank made her run and hide like the insect she is.

I called her to confront her (she lives several states away), and she knew it was me and wouldn't answer, so I texted her and called her every filthy name in the book. Then I exposed to her BF, and when she realized I was getting close to contacting him she tried to run me off (called me, I hung up on her, then she texted me pretending to be him). Haven't heard a peep out of her since.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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fiori Offline OP
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Say,
You have such a calming tone...it helps alot.

The NC letter. Hmm....where to go with that? The intent was to hold on to it until there was some form of contact. The problem is, I have no idea if the joke is on me. Perhaps there's been contact all along and I simply caught it. H tried to tell me that this was an isolated incicent and that the only reason he has the email is because co-worker brought it to him because H's lack of response put it in his lap. Sooo....this could all be a big fat lie. Maybe they have not had a personal relationship, but surely they've had professional contact. I do believe he thinks I'm as dumb as he's acting. It's so hurtful. I look at my children and I don't want to break their hearts. Their dad is usually a good man....just not since OW came into our lives.

I've tried to explain to him that it is obvious that she has no consideration for his feelings or she would not still attempt to contact him. Short of stalking her, I'm not sure what more I can do. I've told him in no uncertain terms that there would be a choice and it would happen tongight. He does not understand it when I say he's making a fool out of me. I feel like it's a mockery of our relationship by having any form of contact with her.

So, do I go see her? Does this simply open a can of worms? Maybe I could 'accidentally' run into her somewhere. Then, we can have it out. But, this would take soooo much time. Sorry, I'm babbling. None of this makes sense. H will be home in one hour. How do I act? Angry? Sad? Depresssed? I'll simply volunteer to take our son to soccer and run away for two hours. It's really better that way... I've lost any energy to fight.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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Oh, and about the OW having a husband...nope! He bailed on her right before she set her sights on my husband. That's how all this mess started. She came to her foolishly compassionate boss for a should to cry on. Voila! Instant EA!


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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Hello friend.

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

It really does suck!

I'm a fan of YOU telling her that NC means NC!!

I'm definitely NOT a fan of HIM talking to her. Come on now, that's EXACTLY what she wants.

Hang in there!


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Well...after way too many tears and alot of heated conversation, H has finally agreed to the fact that the new email OW sent is, in fact, a renewed attack on our marriage. He spoke with her boss today and asked that he remind his dept. that any requests that have to be made from his area to deal with issues go to someone other than him. They have set up a new email distribution spot that will only take these types of requests and will be answered by someone other than H. I may have to deal with this mess until he finds another job.

I'm shocked and dismayed by the amount of anger I have in me. I say things that almost make me seem like someone else. It's a little scary. Time to find a IC and get my head on straight. I cannot believe I let another person do this to me. I am sooo much better than this.

Here's hoping for a better weekend.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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H is in the other room right now. He should be at work but has come back home. Hmmm....I'm always suspicious when he does stuff like this. It's angering, though, because he says he wants to talk with me but he's sitting there emailing people from work to set up his day. Very frustrating. So, I wait. He's already quelled me fears that there is dire news coming my way. He cleared that up the minute he walked in the door. But, he sees that we are in a trap of negativity and apparently wants to find a way to snap out of it. Ok, I know a way....quit your job, get a new one and skewer the OW. That seems to be the same tune I've been singing all along. But, we'll see. So, if any of you are feeling like praying today...this would be a good day for me.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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I just said a prayer for you. Keep us updated.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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How to Plan B Correctly
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My life is in absolute shambles. Things have gotten sooo much worse since I last wrote. I'm actually starting to lose faith in the MB principles. Because I read and read and read about full exposure...I pushed my h to reporting OW once again because of her inappropriate continuance to try to get H to contact her. So, after the weekend is over she realizes he's not getting or answering her emails. She totally flips out. On Tuesday night she called he blackberry at 12 midnight to confront him as to why he's not returning any messeges. He, again, explains to her that this has gotten completely out of hand and that there is absolutely NO romantic notions that she should have in her head. He explains to her that he enjoyed her as a friend but it's obvious that that cannot work because she took it too far and began fantacizing...

Anyway, after a brief conversation she becomes to be unglued. She was screaming and threatening to kill herself. The right thing for him to do would be to come and wake me up and let us as a couple decide what course to take. Instead, he slinked out of our house and drove to hers (45 min. away) to see that she did not kill herself. He entered to her laying on the floor in a heap with a large bottle of pills and a knife on the table.

I woke up at 2 and noticed he was gone. His cell was turned off so I called a neighbor to sit with the kids and drove off to the lair. I had my camera ready to photograph his car in her driveway. As I found the house he was walking out the door. I parked and began snapping photos. He tried to speak with me and explain but I was out of touch at this point. Her neighbor came out to see if there was a problem. I told him "yea, there's a problem....your next door neighbor is a slut and she's having an affair with my husband!" Then, I went on the porch and began knocking on her door and ringing the bell. Two seconds later five cop cars surround the property. Apparently the suicidal faker felt threatenend by me. They pulled all of us apart to opposite corners and questioned all. I told them everything....Thankfully they all felt sadness for me and were exceptionally supportive. These four strange men offered me more compassion than H ever did through this entire event.

So, in light of this I suppose things are changed forever. I'm not sure how to ever recover from this betrayal. Oh, and the big move on the 30th to his building....that happened weeks ago. H just neglected to tell me. One of his co-workers accidentally said it to me in a random conversation when I called looking for him at 5am. I believe I'm having a nervous breakdown and will connect with a counselor today. My heart is heavy and it's aching. I just can't believe this is my life. I have loved this man with all my heart and he's treating me like I don't even matter. He calls his escapade poor judgement. And, he's asked that I refrain from smearing his reputation to our friends and relatives. He says it's not fair that he made a series of mistakes and will now have to pay for it for the rest of his life by being judged by our relatives & friends.

So, our original deal was....he wrote a NC letter. They had already established NC so it seemed weird to send. He said "if there is any attempted form of contact I have no problem if you send the letter". Considering how this all played out and the possibility that she could try to have him fired and attempt suicide....DO I SEND THE LETTER?

PLEASE DON'T RIP ME A NEW HEAD WITH A LOT OF 'I TOLD YOU SO'S' I'M REALLY IN NO SHAPE TO HEAR IT.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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This you know in your heart: his head is still more concerned about HER than YOU.

A suicide threat gets a call to 911, period. That is, if his head's on right.

He still wants to be a knight in shining armor - to HER, not you.

Therefore, Plan B will give you the most peace and sanity. He's more concerned about keeping his image right than making right with you.

He still doesn't get it.

You need to feel safe. You need less drama in your life. Therefore, how's your Plan B letter coming along? I'd kick him out by the weekend, if not tonight.

He thinks she won't contact him again? That's truly what the idiot thinks? She just got her way with him. Suicide threats work. So she can and will do whatever it takes to get ANY attention from him and get you fed up. He's willing to be played and you should choose out of the game.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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(((((fiori)))))

I agree - start writing the PBL and making whatever other preparations necessary.

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I'm sorry you are going through this nightmare fiori frown Plan B now and expose to the family.

Originally Posted by fiori
These four strange men offered me more compassion than H ever did through this entire event.

Unbelievable and sad but true. I know the feeling.

Quote
He calls his escapade poor judgement. And, he's asked that I refrain from smearing his reputation to our friends and relatives. He says it's not fair that he made a series of mistakes and will now have to pay for it for the rest of his life by being judged by our relatives & friends.

Fiori, expose him to family and friends and even sit your children down to explain what's going on. Further exposure at work is pointless. Don't tell H that you are going to expose. Just do it. Stop protecting an image of H that doesnt exist anymore. You aren't smearing his reputation, this is who he is right now. Pretending otherwise will eat at you and cause further resentment that you protect his image for whatever misguided or noble reasons while you take one emotional blow after another at his hands. The kindness and compassion that was shown to you last night from total strangers is likely what you will receive from family and friends when you relieve yourself of this burden of hiding H's dirty little secret.

If OW was going to the extreme of threatening suicide, I think this was way more than an EA.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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((((((Fiori))))))

You are telling OUR STORY.

Many of US have gone through this or WORSE.

Your WH is FOLLOWING THE WAYWARD SCRIPT. No different. No worse than my H was.

We UNDERSTAND how hard it is to accept and believe.

Mimi..who found her THEN WH at the motel..just short of a police call if my mother didn't come to calm me down...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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((((Fiori)))))

The timeline according to your H as I understand it is...
They have not spoken, seen or emailed starting in Feb...until just recently when you find one paper email that another coworker handed to him from OW. He doesn't respond. She calls him about it. He reinforces the fact that they can't email, and she threatens to kill herself...

I need to ask you, do you believe this or do you think there is more to the story?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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