Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Quote
You need to read the information on this site first! Plan A and Plan B only work if the guidelines are followed.

Doing a half A$$ed plan B makes things worse.

There are quite a few plan b letters posted on this site.
If you post yours, I'm sure people here will help you edit this before you send it.

YES!!!!!

If you have your PBL then post it here. Almost everyone's first attempt at a PBL is too full of DJs.

I still don't get the impression you've read that much here. I get that you are upset and barely hanging in there, and it's hard to think clearly. But you REALLY REALLY need to do this right if you're gonna do it.

Plan A *means* you don't get anything in return. You shouldn't have gone into Plan A thinking you would be getting anything in return. It's HARD. Most ppl think Plan A hurts like heck, and hurts worse than Plan B. Warning though - for some ppl Plan B hurts even worse than Plan A.

  • Tell us what things you've done for your Plan A. What LBs have you found that you commit, and how have you gotten rid of them? What are his most important ENs and how are you meeting them?
  • Post your Plan B letter here so we can help edit it.
  • Tell us how you plan to give it to him.





me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
Just wanted to let you all know that the store followed through on one of the complaints . He was taken to the office and will be either demoted or fired! Now my problem is he is looking to me over the complaints, although I have denied it, he is furious cause he truly believes I reported them. He said the incident reported he had only told me and no one else knew. Now I feel like I have just pushed myself backwards with him cry What do i do now????

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
You look him right in the face, and you say "Anything you're experiencing is a result of what YOU did." Then turn around and walk away. Every single time he brings it up, you repeat "Anything you're experiencing is a result of what YOU did."

Got it?

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 502
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 502
Originally Posted by Betty6811
He was taken to the office and will be either demoted or fired! Now my problem is he is looking to me over the complaints, although I have denied it, he is furious cause he truly believes I reported them.

Yikes! Why lie? It won't make your marriage stronger. I'm sure many of us have felt the desperation you have been feeling, but please think about it... you want him to be honest to you, you need to be honest with him.



SerenitySoon
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Agreed!

PLEASE keep in mind that HE is the one who had affairs, not YOU! Stay mad! Stay indignant! If he has the nerve to accuse you, just calmly repeat 'anything that happens is because of what YOU did.' Nothing else.

Last edited by catperson; 01/19/09 09:59 PM.
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
I completely agree with telling the truth...if you want to try to build a M based on HONESTY, then this is a good place to start.



Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
Ok I have always been completely open and honest with my husband but this is one time I am firm about not telling him ...I filed the complaint. I simply will not. He takes pride in his job and to know I am the one who brought it to the store`s attention, he would absolutely flip and run in the other direction. I understand everyone`s point about honesty but I can`t and won`t tell him! You all convinced me to go forward and push the complaints but no one mentioned I should state my name by them! naughty

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
Nothing is changing and I am so exhausted. I have left him with nothing but wonderful talks and very intimate nights. I am going crazy. He says he wants more than anything to be home but now I think it`s his turn to prove some things whistle! I feel I have done all I can do and I have done ENOUGH! rant2

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
What's going on?

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
He is still saying he wants to come home but that this thing with her has to end slowly....especially since he`s being reviewed by the company and he can`t have any more upsets at work! I am tired and just want it to end! My heart is breaking and I can`t take anymore! cry I simply don`t know what else to do. I have left great moments with him over the past week or two and given him so much compassion and understanding.....he has got to do his part or I am DONE! rant2

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Hold on just a bit more, don't LB before you get a chance to prepare for Plan B.

If you are losing your love for him in Plan A, then you need to go to Plan B. But not without preparation! You need to pick an intermediary and write a great PBL and plan a stellar last date together.

I see that you say you've written a PBL but I don't see that you've posted it here. Most folks post theirs here to get input.

It might help if you posted more details too, of what you're doing as your Plan A.

Last edited by jayne241; 01/23/09 08:06 AM.

me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558
Originally Posted by catperson
Originally Posted by Betty6811
I took the advice and contacted Walmart about the affair and they said nothing could be done because he is not on salary!!! Therefore I am back to square 1. Any other ideas???
Thanks!
Yes. You find the name and address for the person in charge of Walmart for your whole city; you find the name/address for the person in charge of your region; and you find the name/address for the Human Resources head for Walmart, and you send certified letters (that they have to sign for) to all three of them and let them know you are looking at hiring an attorney to see what can be done about Walmart allowing it to go in inside their stores. They'll do something.

Toll free 1-800-966-6546.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc.
702 SW Eighth Street
Bentonville, AR 72716
Phone: 479-273-4000
Fax: 479-273-4053

Walmart Corporate website

If they won't do anything, threaten to go to the media about it. Walmart does not like adverse media coverage. (my BIL is a VP will Walmart out of the Bentonville, AR corporate ofc)


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
I contacted home office and they are both being reviewed. He will either be denoted or fired! He blames me for bringing it to their attention. As for what I have done for him...I invite him up for late night dinners and we have had some really nice evenings together. I assure him of my love for him and how we can work through this and how I realize my shortcomings in our marriage. I am exhausted now and am becoming extremely angry with his continued actions and how he won`t end things with OW. Actually I am FURIOUS! I am beginning to think I don`t even want this marriage anymore myself!


Last edited by Betty6811; 01/23/09 02:21 PM.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
That Plan B letter is not quite right. It should say that to preserve your love for him, you will have no contact with him until the affair is ended.

But why not wait and see what happens with their jobs?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Originally Posted by Betty6811
I contacted home office and they are both being reviewed. He will either be denoted or fired! He blames me for bringing it to their attention. As for what I have done for him...I invite him up for late night dinners and we have had some really nice evenings together. I assure him of my love for him and how we can work through this and how I realize my shortcomings in our marriage. I am exhausted now and am becoming extremely angry with his continued actions and how he won`t end things with OW. Actually I am FURIOUS! I am beginning to think I don`t even want this marriage anymore myself!Here`s my Plan B letter......

My Dear Husband,
I am writing you this letter to let you know I am still commited to our marriage but I will not be seeing or talking to you anymore. My first plan was to show you how much I love you and how happy we could be together. And also to show you how you could find all you need and want in me. Plainly, our situation had improved but was not remedied. I am firm about this and will state my terms in which we will be able to get back on the road to saving our marriage....1. The relationship with her must end. 2. You must inform her that you are recommiting to our marriage. 3.All gifts or things you must return or throw away including pictures, letters, and anything with meaning must be done. 4. All contact with her must end completely. After you have done these four things we can resume talking, dating,and hopefully have you return home. If you don`t return to me with these things done, then nothing else will be required on your part. When enough time has passed and nothing has progressed then I will file for divorce. I want to emphasize that this is my last attempt to save our marriage and to end this hurt. I do not want a divorce and we can make this work.
I love you always.

Betty, you are not listening. In Plan A, there should be NO relationship talk. You can't "sweet talk" him into anything. Plan A is about making YOU a better person, being a desirable warm person, a lighthouse for him. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK.

Plan B is not a "tool" or a "trick" to get him back. It is not a demand or an ultimatum. It is for YOU to remove yourself from the craziness. It should be a love letter of sorts clearly showing him the way home. It should let him know that you will have no further contact with him except through an intermediary and then ONLY for matters concerning the children or finances.

You need to slow down sweetie. Take this one step at a time.

Who are your intermediaries? How will you handle finances? What about visitation with the kids? Do you have all this settled? You can't jump back in forth in Plan B or you'll just be spinning your wheels.



Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 20
Slow down??? I feel like I am dragging here....so to slow down? I have no one to contact for our children visits who would remain neutral so I will have to talk with him directly about that. As for my letter....it was simply a draft. And I never looked at Plan A or B as a trick to get him home! I want to make our marriage better than ever but he refuses to give OW up! So why shouldn`t I simply give up period? I have been his lighthouse so many times and offered myself as one now....but now I am about ready to say piss on it all! Relationship talk was not in my Plan A....we spent time together and had dinners and maybe we will have one or 2 more dates.... but I am at the end of my rope and I am so angry! I don`t know how to direct my anger... so its not pointed at him and pushes him further away! Anymore advice???? :MrEEk:

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Good luck to you.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Originally Posted by Betty6811
Slow down??? I feel like I am dragging here....so to slow down?

Because a half-a$$ed Plan A/Plan B is worse than none at all. I'm saying slow down because you don't have it right yet.

Quote
I have no one to contact for our children visits who would remain neutral so I will have to talk with him directly about that.

Yes, so, you aren't ready. Slow down.

Quote
As for my letter....it was simply a draft.

Exactly. That's why to post it - because it's a draft and you want input. Or not.

If it's perfect then you don't need to post it, we don't need it for our uses. I don't need a PBL. If you want help, then post it.

I guess you must have deleted it, but it looks like you had it up there at one time.

Quote
And I never looked at Plan A or B as a trick to get him home! I want to make our marriage better than ever

ITA. And so does Dr. Harley. And PM. And just about everyone here. MB is NOT about tricks.

Quote
but he refuses to give OW up!

That's what PA and PB are for.

Quote
So why shouldn`t I simply give up period?

Sure, you can. No skin off my nose. Why are you here?

Quote
I have been his lighthouse so many times and offered myself as one now....but now I am about ready to say piss on it all! Relationship talk was not in my Plan A....we spent time together and had dinners and maybe we will have one or 2 more dates.... but I am at the end of my rope and I am so angry! I don`t know how to direct my anger... so its not pointed at him and pushes him further away! Anymore advice???? :MrEEk:

Um, is that sarcasm or do you really want advice?


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Thanks Jayne for saying the things I was thinking. Frustrating day, don't have much patience myself.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5