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I think you all need to hold your breaths now. This whole thing just came out not even two weeks ago. Give me some time to figure out what the right things are to do. This is not a bashing site. I am trying to do the right things, but I am getting it from all sides, which doesn't help at all. Help and advice I appreciate, bashing I don't. Not helpful whatsoever. You are in the process of turning me off of this site, a site where I thought I could turn to in search for something good.

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FullMoon, if you feel I am bashing you, and if you think the suggestions I gave you - which only mirrored ff's - was wrong, and you are not willing to answer hard questions like 'are you telling the truth or not'...then your wife probably will leave you. Because you have no humility. Only embarrassment.

Humility is asking yourself where you went wrong. Embarrassment is asking everyone else to stop making it worse.

Your wife needs humility from you.

And, no, this is NOT a site for making you feel good. It's a site for learning the hard lessons in how to keep a marriage afloat.

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Ah but FullMoon, catperson was not "bashing" you. You are too new into this to fully have your eyes open yet. Some day (I hope) you will look back on some of the tougher posts to you and be thankful. The truth is, your BW has suffered a great trauma at your hands and rubbed salt into her wounds by keeping the OC a secret and making agreements with the OW behind your BW's back. She already knew about the six year A and was willing to work on recovery with you. All of this sets her back to square one. She is dealing with 6 years of having to rewrite the truth of her M and another year of not knowing about the OC.

What catperson wrote to you was truth to open your eyes. If you run off, chances are your M will not recover. Not because "we" can make your M survive, but because it shows you are not fully repentent yet.

Not many people would go through all the repeated trauma and false recoveries I went through. I have PTSD from it all. 5 years later we are just really beginning to recover. I don't want ANYONE to have to go through what I did. My H can NOW see that if he just stepped up and not lied to me to appease the xOW, we would be further along in our recovery and OC would know us all better by now.

So we are muddling through all of my pain, anger, resentment while dealing with now having visitation with a 4 year old. It is not easy. I had just accepted I would never meet this child. I had just accepted my H would never change and we would D (in my mind) once my DD went off to college. I think the why now's are even more mind boggling and hard to accept than the affair and OC!

So, since MB saved my sanity for the past 5 years and helped me grow into a stronger woman, I continue to post here to try to help someone avoid the same mistakes. If your BW was the one posting, we would essentially be saying very similar things to her about the post nup, about the legal seperation etc. We would be advising her what to look for in you to help her know if this time is sincere or yet another false recovery. We do this, not because we are "experts", but because someone cared enough when we were lying bleeding on the floor to help us.

Long way around saying if we can "run you off" that easily, you are not sincere in your desire to make this right.


Faith

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>I think you all need to hold your breaths now.

ROTFLMAOPIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>This whole thing just came out not even two weeks ago.

Wah-wah.

>Give me some time to figure out what the right things are to do.

You've had 6 (SIX!!) years. If you haven't figured it out by now, methinks maybe you NEED directions...CP and FF are GIVING them to you...just because you DON'T like the work, doesn't mean it's not what's necessary to save EVERYONE in this mess YOU MADE.

>Help and advice I appreciate, bashing I don't. Not helpful whatsoever.

Man up. It's time to quit PLAYING; time to put your big boy chonies on and be a REAL man (instead of a boy who jeapordizes his entire family for a piece of "easy").

>You are in the process of turning me off of this site, a site where I thought I could turn to in search for something good.

You're looking for a REASON to quit before you've even started. Again, man up. If you REALLY want to make your life work, you'll not blame our WORDS and make some positive changes in your life.

Don't dress up a bunch of bullsh*t on here and tell us it's chocolate. We've been fed bs so much that our ninja powers enable us to shoot it down before you even hit send.

Talk to us when you actually DO something to save your marriage. Words don't work with us.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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You've had two full pages of people holding your hand before I said anything.

OT:
Quote:
Don't dress up a bunch of bullsh*t on here and tell us it's chocolate. We've been fed bs so much that our ninja powers enable us to shoot it down before you even hit send.
Hee. De, can I have your permission to copy that gem?

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Of course CP.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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This is turning ugly. I AM repentant, and I am not looking for someone to make me feel good. Who comes up with all those statements? I never said anything like that. What I came here for was advice and I am appreciating the advice and I will implement the things that you suggested. But when it comes to being ridiculed I probably have to look elsewhere for help, for people who take things serious and don't make fun of somebody who is genuinely looking for help.

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and by the way, I wouldn't be on this board if I didn't care.

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Show me where we made fun of you?

And why are you so sensitive to being made fun of, anyway? Are you not here in humility to learn how to make up for what you did?

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>This is turning ugly.

TURNING?

Hon - it IS ugly.

Not one bit about being in this situation is pretty - until you are so far along in your healing you can look back and count your blessings.

I am there.

Let's get your wife and you there too...okay?

It's hard and terrible work...but it is WORTH it.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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Quote:
Let's get your wife and you there too...okay?

It's hard and terrible work...but it is WORTH it.
So true. Ugly? You don't know what ugly is. I am amazed that so far more people have not noticed this thread. Waywards are not coddled around here, as they should not be. A couple years ago we had a WH that came on here after a 4 year A. His OC was already a toddler and his poor BW had just found out from him cuz he thought she would D him. Guess what? She wanted to recover the M.

He got a pretty good beating that was well deserved due to his attitude, especially toward his poor BW.

I have been pretty gentle with you cuz I hear some repentence in you. However, you cannot afford to be sensitive at this point. You need to take whatever constructive criticism that comes your way. We call them 2x4's round these parts. They are meant to help knock sense into you, believe me I received my share as well.


Faith

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DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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As did I.

Thank God.

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Originally Posted By: catperson
As did I.

Thank God.



But not one of those 2x4's were unnecessary, were they?

We ALL learned from them. Betrayed and wayward alike have learned from them.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Originally Posted By: Dealan-de
Originally Posted By: catperson
As did I.

Thank God.



But not one of those 2x4's were unnecessary, were they?

We ALL learned from them. Betrayed and wayward alike have learned from them.
Exactly! My favorite poster in the whole world is Pepperband and she can hand out the 2x4's like nobody else. Yet she also led me through some harrowing times in my life since coming here.


Faith

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DD 21
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FullMoon..

I posted to you back on the first page. I am sorry that I have not returned.

Take some time to read through the threads of others here. There is so much valuable information and help that you can learn from other's suffering.

Marriage Builders has very strict beliefs. Its members are so passionate about the programs here that alot tend to throw all of it at you at once. Breathe. You are doing well by coming here, I promise.

Some concepts take time to adjust to and implement. Some may not work for all people, I suppose. But they all are a good start to recovery and hope that you can continue to log in.

I am a BW with an OC who is now almost four years old. The man in my life has been a harsh, unrepentant, selfish person through all of this and just now may be learning the error of his ways. I know what would have helped ME through some of these times..is there anything that I can answer for you directly?

All is not lost.

Eibrab

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Quote:
Some concepts take time to adjust to and implement. Some may not work for all people, I suppose. But they all are a good start to recovery and hope that you can continue to log in.

Exactly!


Faith

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DD 21
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Full Moon I agree that if you read some of the stories you may get a lot of valuable information. However I would suggest that you stick with reading the posts and concepts, books, etc for now. There are a lot of nasty, judgemental cliques on this board that you are better off steering clear of. You have enough on your plate and I am sure you don't have time for a daily battle of wits in addition to rebuilding a marriage. Sadly some do and like to disguise the bullying as 'advice' and pat each other on the back for it. Which is funny because as soon as a newbie realizes what is going on and tries to speak up for themselves the first thing they are told is 'we aren't hear to pat you on the back'. I am sorry to have to tell you this as I am sure you came looking for support and encouragement as stated on the top of board. Obviously you will not recieve that here. You will learn alot however by just reading. I do the same. So read and learn all you can and good luck, feel free to send a pm or email to me if you like. I do not normally post anymore for the same reasons (but this is the 4th person I have contacted in under 2 days that was new and already run off).

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Or, you could go and read natalie's thread and see if you think she was truly being 'attacked' or was given advice that would have worked but she didn't want to hear. The way things work here is you (hopefully) listen to everyone and then decide which approaches work for you.

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Maybe first you should ponder, "If the situations were reversed, what could my wife possibly do to persuade me into working on this relationship?"

Women don't want to be seen as a fool and you made her into one. I'm afraid after she tells the dirty details to others, her current stance will only be reinforced. In fact, I think it is a great indicator of her decision. If I was planning on working on my marriage, hell if i was just CONSIDERING that option, I would never inform an outsider on your indiscretions.

Last edited by nowayjose; 05/09/09 02:46 AM.
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nowayjose, welcome. Have you read the articles here? Exposing the affair is the number one way to stop it and get your marriage back, according to MB. Why? Because the offender, wayward spouse (WS) has to become humble in front of the important people in his life, ask for forgiveness, and accept their help rebuilding his marriage. And if he doesn't want to quit the affair, telling the other people gets them to put pressure on the WS to stop. How would you like continuing an affair if your mom knows what you're doing and gives you hell for it? The number one step for adultery is getting rid of the third person. That's what exposure does. Finally, letting others (important people in your circle) know gets them on board to help keep you on the straight and narrow; they keep an eye out for you, help you NOT make bad decisions that could lead to another affair.

I'm not sure if that's what you meant, but wanted to explain that.

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