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Leave. she is too selfish and you are allowing her to cake eat

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How could you even think of staying???

I'm not clear on when this assault happened. If it was recent (as in the last couple of days) you need to contact the police and report it. She is your enemy. I'm not sure what else needs to happen to show you this.


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Originally Posted By: bigbob1964
Do I accept this one incident as a one off and a bad experience then continue to work on things with her?


After what your WW has done ... if you are still even considering the above ... as a fellow BH, I must say ... "I'm embarrassed FOR YOU!!!".

It is simply outside of my comprehension how some of these MB BH's have so little self-respect that they are willingly settling for this level of abuse and humiliation.

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Originally Posted By: bigbob1964
Hi everyone, it's me again!

She started the car and tried to turn the car round. I stood in front and told her not to drive off so we could just all talk it through and sort things out there and then. At that point she drove her car into me and over me to get away. I managed to get back into my car and just drove home. She came back about a half hour later. She was crying and said that she only went there to arrange to pick up some belongings that were still at his appt. At that point I didn't even want to listen.

I wasn't badly hurt, just badly bruised and more upset. I thought the incident had given me a clear message that she was perfectly happy to run me down to protect him and her sordid little affair. Even now, so many months on she is still lying, still trying to perpetuate the situation and willing to risk my life to do so.

For her part, she says that it really wasn't anything and that although she is still friendly with him there is no physical or emotional relationship going on. That in any case, it was only a "one-off" meeting for practical purposes.

But I am not happy with this.

My question is whether I just leave right now?
Do I accept this one incident as a one off and a bad experience then continue to work on things with her?
Should I just leave to give a real signal that I won't put up with it and serious about ending us if she won't do this for us?


Bob,

Seriously, the time for "giving signals" is over. She ran you over with a motor vehicle. Hello? After you held her hand in the ER while OM went to work?

This is crazy. Dude, you deserve so much better. She is gone.

You really need to protect yourself now financilly, legally and emotionally. Get this over with and protect yourself.

I think this may be the worst case of trying to protect the OP I have seen on these boards.

Ran you over with a car with the OM inside after telling you she was going to get bread, and you are thinking about giving her another chance.

Bob, seriously...

ETA: And no, I don't think there are any chapters in books on saving or building marriages entitled, "What to do/how to recover when your WW runs you over with the family car."

Last edited by sickwithworry; 05/12/09 08:02 AM.
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I agree! This woman is clearly not stable and I'd bet you $50 that contact with OM never ended... not just "contact" but "sexual contact". She's playing you AND him big time. You have to ask yourself the question at what point does she cross the line with you enough to say enough? I think that line was crossed way back before she ran you over.


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I don't think I'd be moving out. I think I'd be taking a day off from work and filing for a divorce and a restraining order and changing the locks and locking down every dollar we ever thought of having.

THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE MISTER NICE-GUY!!!!

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I'm a FWS and mostly will encourage BH or BW to keep holding on and fight for their M... especially where there seems to be some positive actions by the WS.
However having read your thread I felt something did not fit the pattern of behaviour your wife was showing and then clang your last post. It all fell into place.

Your WW has NEVER been in recovery she has been jumping between the OM and you as she feels like it. The affair never ended at all. I feel you need to accept this and face this sad fact. She has been betraying you all along.

She did not 'accidentally' run you over. That is easy to work out because if it was an accident why would she not jump out in horror and run over to you? Make sure you were not hurt or needing emergency aid?? For all she knew she had killed you.
No she just did not care!!!
I'm sorry but this has to be made clear to you... SHE DOES NOT CARE.... at least not enough to ensure you were ok after she ran you down and THAT is a pretty big sign that YOU need to have her out of your life.

Some actions ARE not and should not EVER be permitted to be put behind you. Your WS trying to cause you serious injury by running you over with a car certainly gets into that class.

No excuse of anger or flight fear can justify that action.

Due to my own position I rarely recommend a M to end... however sadly I feel you need to get away from this woman who was your wife. Your wife is gone. Will the wife ever return? ... well who knows. But what will you do when she tries to hurt you the next time? ...

You are no longer just dealing with a WS.. you are dealing with a person who actively attempted to seriously injure you.

Move away and keep her away even if it takes a VRO .....I suspect she will do another 'I'll kill myself' and if she does you should get the Police and medical staff involved.

I know this is easy for us here to say this but so much harder for you to do... but what is your alternative? keep going like this until you are in hospital or worse??

Sorry you are going through this as you deserve a lot better... frankly anyone does.

take care


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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I had the Wookie do the same thing to me - where he set up a household, then sprung it on me...

You need to let her go. All the way, let her go...

She knows she can play you and you need to kick her out of your sandbox onto her hinder.

She will NEVER attempt recovery otherwise.

And you need to file a police report on her a$$. This woman needs a wake up call in the worst way.

Shoot. We treat armadillos in Texas better than she treats you...at least we stop (usually) and make sure we just clipped it.

GAH!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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Bob,

File a report on her assault with a deadly weapon on you. Then bag up all her belongings, change the locks and file for D and an RO against her. This woman is dangerous, mostly because she seems to have zero empathy or compassion. I am so sorry.


Faith

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Originally Posted By: faithful follower

File a report on her assault with a deadly weapon on you. Then bag up all her belongings, change the locks and file for D and an RO against her. This woman is dangerous, mostly because she seems to have zero empathy or compassion.


In total agreement. The solution is before you.


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You are setting yourself up to

A. Get MORE injured
B. Get your @$$ handed to you in a divorce slanted in her favor.

Get off your butt and clean her clock, get a lawyer and get everything you possibly can from her.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

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Well, thanks for all your replies. I knew all of the above. As you all say, it's plain to see. I think just needed some strength and encouragement to see that leaving is the only thing to do.

Unfortunately, in the UK where I am the law is very different. I cannot throw her out as the house is 50/50 owned by her. The other thing is that a D here is a very different process. I have spoken to a lawyer and I'm afraid all I can do is walk. I have made arrangements to move out and go live somewhere else. A rented property about an hour's drive away. Once I've done that I CAN stop her coming to bother me there. I can THEN get a RO if she comes causing trouble.

I just need to let go of someone I have loved for nearly 30 years. We have always had a very close, intimate and loving relationship but in the past 18 months it has all gone the opposite direction because of this affair.

So sad but the facts are there. I DO need to just walk for my own safety and sanity.


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Bob in the UK these are the requirements for a RO

The court may make a number of types of orders depending on the situation.
Non-harassment orders

A non-harassment order will provide protection where there has been violence or threat of violence. The court will make an order that the person offering the violence must not assault, harass, or annoy the other party. The order will have written on it a warning that says if it is disobeyed, the person disobeying will be in contempt of court. Being in contempt of court is very serious because there has been deliberate disobedience of a court order. The court will punish contempt. It may impose a fine and a prison sentence.
Occupation orders

An occupation order excludes one party from the family home. The court will usually exclude the violent party from the home. The court can create an exclusion zone around the home. If the excluded party enters that exclusion zone, the court order will be disobeyed. Again, the court order will have written on it a warning that says that if it is disobeyed, the person disobeying will be in contempt of court.

A non-harassment or occupation order may be available in the following circumstances:

* Where a person is or has been married to the person against whom the order is sought
* Where a person is living with the person against whom the order is sought as husband and wife
* Where a person has lived with the person against whom the order is sought as husband and wife
* Where a person has lived in the same household with the person against whom the order is sought and that person has not been an employee, tenant, lodger, or boarder
* Where a person has lived in the same household with the person against whom the order is sought and that person is a close relative such as a grandparent, grandchild, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, step-parent, or step-child.
* Where a person has agree to marry the person against whom the order is sought and any termination of the agreement to marry has not occurred more than three previously.
* Where a person is the parent or has parental responsibility of the person against whom the order is sought.

Protection from harassment

It is a civil wrong to act in such a way as to cause alarm or distress to another. If a person is caused harm by two or more acts to another, the court may make an order prohibiting the person from doing those acts again. If they can show that they have suffered significant harm, they may be entitled to receive compensation from the person responsible.

This means that if a person is harassed by another, the courts will give protection. The exact meaning of harassment is not clear. In practice, it is usually obvious if an act is harassing another. However, it must be on two separate occasions.

In addition, the criminal courts offer protection. If a person harasses another, they will be guilty of a criminal offence and punished in the criminal courts. Furthermore, putting someone in fear of violence is a criminal offence. If a person is convicted of harassing another or putting another in fear of violence, the court may make a restraining order. This is an order forbidding a person doing one or more things that may harass another or put them in fear of violence.
Occupation orders

The court may make an order excluding one spouse or cohabiting partner from the home. If the application is made by a spouse, the court will take into account different factors than if the application is by a cohabiting partner. The court also will make different orders depending on whether a spouse or cohabiting partner makes the application.

The court may order that one spouse or cohabiting partner:

* Permit the other to go into the home or part of the home and stay there.
* Regulate the occupation of the home by either or both.
* Stop one spouse or cohabiting partner from living in the home.
* Require one spouse or cohabiting partner to leave the home.
* Exclude the one spouse or cohabiting party from part of the home.

The court may order that the rights of either spouse to live in the home shall continue after any divorce or death of the other. In deciding whether to grant an order, the court must take into account:

* The respective housing needs and housing resources of them both and any children.
* Their respective financial resources.
* The likely effect of any order or of any decision not to make an order on the health, safety or wellbeing of them both and any child.
* The conduct of the parties in relation to each other.

The court will apply the balance of harm test. The test is whether making the order would do more harm than not making the order.

The court will not make an order if:

* The person whom the court is considering excluding is likely to suffer significant harm by being excluded.
* The harm likely to be suffered by the person whom the court is considering excluding is as great or greater than the harm attributable to the conduct.

The court may make other orders dealing with the payment:

* Of the mortgage.
* Of other outgoings.
* For repair and maintenance of the home.

The court can also order the occupying person to pay the excluded person's rent where the excluded person had a right to occupy the home. In addition, the court can grant either party use of the furniture and contents of the home. It may order either party to take reasonable care of the furniture and contents. Before making any order, the court will have regard to all the circumstances.

In urgent cases, a court can make non-molestation and occupation orders without telling the other person. In deciding whether to allow an application to proceed without telling the other person, the court will take into account all circumstances including:

* Any risk of significant harm to the person making the application or a child if the order is not made immediately.
* Whether it is likely that the person making the application will be deterred or prevented from pursuing the application if the order is not made immediately.
* Whether there is reason to believe that the person to be told is avoiding being told and any delay would cause a risk.

If an order is made without telling the other party, any order will be for a short period. The court will fix a hearing. At that hearing, the court will hear from both parties and decide the issues. Occupation orders are rarely granted without the other person being told of any hearing in advance.

To avoid the court making a find of fact against one or both, it will accept a promise not to do something. If the court makes an order, a power of arrest may be attached to the order. The power of arrest will mean that if a person comes within a specified distance of a place, the police may arrest them. It is not possible to attach a power of arrest to a promise.

Legal aid is not longer readily available to seek occupation orders. Thus, they are becoming rare. For legal aid to be available, the Community Legal Services expects the person to have reported the matter to the police and have exhausted all the protection that they can offer.
Non-molestation orders

The court may grant a court order forbidding a person from molesting their spouse or cohabiting partner or a child. The word molestation covers not only violence and threats of violence, but also pestering.

An order could be granted against a person who sends abusive letters to their spouse or cohabiting partner and persistently telephones in the middle of the night. When making the order, the court must have regard to all circumstances including the need to secure the health, safety and wellbeing of the person making the application and any child.

If the person making the application can show a genuine need for protection, a non-molestation order will be granted. The court order may be made for a specified period or until a further order. A court order may be made for an indefinite period, but the courts are reluctant to actually do this.
Enforcement

If the court makes a non-molestation or occupation order, it will be a court order. Anyone disobeying a court order will be in contempt of court. The court will punish contempt by a fine and imprisonment. If there has been a total disregard of the order and further violence, the level of punishment will be greater.

The court may put a power of arrest on the court order. The power of arrest will mean that the police may arrest the person if they come within a specific distance of a point. If the police arrest a person because they have disobeyed the court order, they must be bought before a judge or magistrate as soon as possible. The judge or magistrate will hear evidence as to whether the court order has been disobeyed. If they find that the court order has been disobeyed, they will punish the person.

If the court order was made in the county court, the judge may pass a term of imprisonment for two years and impose an unlimited fine. If the court order were made in the magistrates court, the maximum term of imprisonment is two months and the maximum fine is £5000. Only in the most serious case will the court send anyone to prison immediately. On the first occasion the court order is disobeyed, the sentence will usually be a suspended sentence. This means that the person will not go to prison immediately. However, if they appear before the court again, the court will consider whether to activate the sentence. On the second occasion, the sentence will almost certainly be activated and the person will go to prison.

A court will not put a power of arrest on a court order unless there has been violence or a threat of violence. Most orders have a power of arrest put on them.

SO this means you NEED to make a complaint to the Police when she ran over you and then apply to your Local Court.


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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Quote:
He just sat there stoney faced looking straight ahead. Refused to even look at me.


He was playing POSOM.

I'm going to give a contrary view. While I don't think anyone would blame you for ending your M now, if you DID want to still try to save it, I would point out that you haven't yet done a proper plan B.

With a proper plan B letter, and rigid terms for her return - on your terms, not her whim.

Naturally this would include her accounting for all her time, and full access by you to all the information you need to assure yourself that she is in no contact.

An agreement to extraordinary precautions to ensure NC - moving would probably be needed.

None of this 'wanting to run away', flitting from bed to bed.

The A will probably end. Plan B will spare you more pain, and it's a shame you didn't use it sooner IMO.

I thought your WW was being melodramatic when she was choosing between home and apartment, and her para-suicide, and that type of behaviour really gets up my nose.

But maybe that, and her assault even can all be explained as typical crazy, possessed-by-aliens WW behaviour.

Was it all out of character, or does she have pre-existing histrionic tendencies?


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Maybe it is just my history with my husband, but when I read your story, I can't help but wonder if your WW has some sort of bipolar. Has she ever gotten any sort of mental help?

I know this may not matter to you at this point, you have every reason in the world to be done with her for your own safety. However, I was just wondering since bipolar can be so different from person to person.


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Originally Posted By: 5outof6aintbad
Quote:
He just sat there stoney faced looking straight ahead. Refused to even look at me.


He was playing POSOM.

I'm going to give a contrary view. While I don't think anyone would blame you for ending your M now, if you DID want to still try to save it, I would point out that you haven't yet done a proper plan B.

With a proper plan B letter, and rigid terms for her return - on your terms, not her whim.

Naturally this would include her accounting for all her time, and full access by you to all the information you need to assure yourself that she is in no contact.

An agreement to extraordinary precautions to ensure NC - moving would probably be needed.

None of this 'wanting to run away', flitting from bed to bed.

The A will probably end. Plan B will spare you more pain, and it's a shame you didn't use it sooner IMO.

I thought your WW was being melodramatic when she was choosing between home and apartment, and her para-suicide, and that type of behaviour really gets up my nose.

But maybe that, and her assault even can all be explained as typical crazy, possessed-by-aliens WW behaviour.

Was it all out of character, or does she have pre-existing histrionic tendencies?





Yeah, maybe you aren't truly meeting all her Emotional Needs? Have you stopped to consider whether her "love bank" is full? How about setting up MC together and going on an MB weekend? EP's definitely need to be written down and she HAS to COMMIT to NC....blah blah blah...

HELLO????

SHE RAN OVER HIM WITH A FRICKING CAR AND DROVE AWAY NOT CARING IF HE WAS DEAD!

Time to stop considering this and extricate yourself from this INSANE person.

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POSOM? Whats that mean?

Bipolar? Hmm well this is a very good point. Although genetic links to bipolar behaviour has never been proven the family links for tendencies or susceptibility toward it is a known fact. There have been more than three occurrences of bipolar in her immediate family. One sister, and uncle and an aunt. It would certainly seem to be supported by everyone that knows her (including her own family) telling me "get out, she's gone f***ing nuts!"

The running off thing she has always expressed to me for a few years. Even when we were very much in love with each other, she told me that she got those feelings sometimes.

Plan B? Well, I tried a Plan B of sorts. In January last she moved out but was only gone a few weeks then came back cap in hand saying how sorry she was and she wanted to come home. She agreed to NC and EP and also agreed to get a new job and plan a house move. This worked fine for a while and she worked with me for a few weeks but then started her little disappearing tricks again saying that I had to start to trust her and she felt stifled. D*mmed right I was not to trust her because I knew where she was disappearing to. The reason she felt stifled was because I was stopping her from eating that cake!

As for a renewed Plan B well, I still intend to give her a letter when I walk out of the door. She will not have notice of me leaving but I will leave a letter to explain why I have gone. To explain why her behaviour is abhorrent and what she has to do before I will even consider returning. My biggest problem is finding a mediator for us. She has attacked, abused, alienated EVERYONE we know. NONE of her family or our friends are talking with her right now, they all think she is crackers. The only people even on speaking terms are her workmates (no choice I guess), our son, her mom and one sis (the one with biploar!). I'm not sure who I could get to act as an intermediary I don't think it would be fair for our son to do it and her mom isn't exactly "sensible" herself having some very odd views on life. It's her mom who the violent behaviour has been learned from.

Incidentally, she has now a new set of friends though work and through OM and his family. She has deliberately and systematically kept me away from all of them. Probably because she has made up all sorts of stories and lies which would be dashed in any conversations with me.

I'll try posting up a walk-out/Plan-B letter in a bit I'm just keeping my head down until I walk next week. Not saying anything to rock the boat for fear of an outburst although I am a bit worried about her getting wind of the fact I'm not bothered by where she goes or does at the moment.

Why does this stuff happen? I can understand A's and the reasons why they take off but when it all comes out in the open why does it continue? WTF is going through the minds of WS's to let this go on? Why do otherwise reasonable humans embark on this mindless stuff? Is it a form of clinical mental condition? I'm really at a loss to where this sort of behaviour comes from because it makes no sense and holds nothing but misery for everyone including themselves. I know what I need to do but I do struggle with the rationale behind it all. I mean, over the past year, she left and asked to come back. I left and she asked me to come back. I even told her she could have the house and I would move way but she said she wanted me and to work on our M. It seems like she doesn't know WHAT she wants apart from continued misery for all. What reason is there in this?

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I don't blame you one bit for walking away, I certainly would if someone tried to run me over with their car.

However, I did want to make one thing clear, there is definately genetic links for bipolar. I just had my stepson to the child pschyciatrist the other day and he told us that it is a genetic thing. Which makes sense since my husbands father, my H, and my stepson all have it.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, but I think her family should look into that possibility.


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She tried to kill you. Do you not understand that? Did you report that to the authorities?


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Originally Posted By: Lostin2008
She tried to kill you. Do you not understand that? Did you report that to the authorities?


Hmm the last time she attacked me and I went to the police I remember three things being said.
1. Got any witnesses? Just you against her then I'm afraid.
2. Haha you're a big lad! How could you be attacked by a girl...
3. Look, if it's that bad why don't you just get out?

So now I'm just going for option 3


Me 44
Her 43
Married 14 years
Relationship 26 years
1 son 24 left home 4yr ago
WS had A started in Oct 07
D-Day 05 Jul 08
Plan A for 5 months
Plan B (of sorts) happened Jan 4th ended Jan 12th
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