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HBH,

Your appt. was today. How did it go?....How did you like Steve?...Did you find the counseling to be helpful, at least more so than doing the course on your own?....

I hope you are still considering going to the Dr....taking care of yourself is of importance.....

not2fun

not2fun #2323992 02/15/10 03:23 PM
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HBH, why did you delete your last few posts?

There are many people here who can offer you help in getting through this, but deleting posts prevents them from seeing what you are stuggling with.


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Originally Posted By: hurt_but_hopeful
Karma,

Not sure if I understood the question...but I don't intend on telling anyone about the PA or our current sitch until I figure out what WH is going to do...

It just causes me to be uncomfortable in social settings since no one knows (i.e. if friends knew, they wouldn't talk about OW, they wouldn't talk about Tiger Woods drama, John Edwards drama, etc...because friends would know its a touchy subject for me)

Probably just need to steer clear of friends for a while...



Instead of steering clear of friends, I would suggest being open and honest with 1-3 close friends that you think could be "friends of the marriage".

Is there anyone in your life that you feel close enough to share this with?


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Nevermind. I misread something. smile

Last edited by sexymamabear; 02/15/10 03:54 PM.

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I agree that the best medicine for this is openness and honesty.

People may be shocked at first, for several reasons:

1) They think they don't know anyone whose spouse is cheating - that such things only happen to "other people". Besides, everybody knows the only spouses who get cheated on are bad ones and you are not a bad spouse so how could such a thing be happening to you?

2) They expect that someone being cheated on will be too squeamish and embarrassed and guilty (see #1 above) to say anything about it.

So, let them be shocked and horrified. It may well be a relief to them that you are handling it as well as you can and that you are NOT being a party to hiding the dirty little secrets of some adulterers.

This culture of expecting the betrayed to suffer in silence while the cheaters enjoy themselves in peace has got to stop.

And if someone does mention Tiger Woods or John Edwards, you can just say, "Good. I'm glad you understand. It's been very much the same for me as it's been for Elin Woods and Elizabeth Edwards."

Don't give up yet. You can't go around this stuff. You have to go through it.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Mulan #2324016 02/15/10 03:56 PM
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And in the same vein:

Elsewhere somebody mentioned being a fan of the E! show *Chelsea Lately.* Chelsea Handler is a comedienne and the other night she was talking about Elizabeth Edwards, about how somebody had accused EE of being a "b*tch" because she'd been caught raging to WH John about his actions with his concubine.

Chelsea said something like, "Hey, the woman's husband was sleeping around and had a baby with some tramp. Elizabeth, honey, you just go ahead and b*tch out all you want. I'm right there with ya."

Now that's a much better attitude in my book, because *maybe* this lying and cheating wouldn't be so bloody common if more people thought nobody would hide and cover for them any longer.

I'm not about to cover for anybody.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Mulan #2324083 02/15/10 06:09 PM
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I deleted my posts because I was venting last nite...I'm pretty sure WH is reading my thread, so I deleted when I got up this morning.

I liked Steve Harley, not much happened today (he talked to WH for the majority of the time) and we have another appt tomorrow.

I read and re-read all the posts on confession. I just dont see how it helps ME. I haven't even decided yet to if/when/how we would ever even tell our kids....did all of you expose to your children as well?? I saw that several of you did...mine are all 5 and under...I dont know that I will tell them...How can I possibly tell family members if there is even a CHANCE that I won't tell my children??? If family memebers knew, there is no doubt in my mind that my children finding out would be inevitable....

What if what helps me hurts others??? I just dont know...

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If family members knew, there is no doubt in my mind that my children finding out would be inevitable....

What if what helps me hurts others??? I just dont know...

Hah, more magnification

Your children will eventually find out. Much better if you are in control of the age-appropriate flows of information.

As much as I tried to shield DS, 10 at the time, he figured it out all on his own. Well, he had some discussions with his schoolmates about it before they all came to the correct conclusion. He told me one night after prayers he knew mommy had committed adultery (his words too). I was from then on completely age-appropriate honest with him.

Dont trust your H to tell your children the genuine article truth. I dont think in his case he will ever be capable of it. You will have to do it. Sooner or later, you will have to do it.

Later, after Plan B ended and his mom moved home again DS got angry with her about her continued reticence and secrecy. He yelled at her and said he was tired of not knowing what was going on. He said he did not actually care what was going on he just wanted to know what it was! She never got it. Not really. DS does not like his mother much now. Not even these many years later.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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There are threads here about "telling the children" - maybe somebody can bring one up for you.

The general consensus is always this: The truth does not damage children (or anybody else). Lies and Secrets do the damage.

Give your children age-appropriate explanations for what happened. They've got to know they can count on YOU for the truth, no matter what it is (and even if they can't count on anyone else for it, which right now they can't).

Your children should be able to depend on you for the truth whether it's about adultery or anything else.


Me, BW
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Hurt, you are now counseling with the Harleys. At this point I would wait and follow their advice. According to many who counsel with them, they do not always advocate exposure especially if the A is over. I am also an extremely private person and with your uncertainty I wouldwant to see what they say.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Mulan #2324122 02/15/10 06:58 PM
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What explanation did you give your children about why their nanny was no longer caring for them?

I assume she was their primary care giver.

That is a huge loss for them.


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You said this nanny was stalking your children.

Would it not be in their best interests to know that this person they trusted and loved is not SAFE for them and that they should never, ever speak to her or go near her again?


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HBH,

I am not suggesting that you "tell the world".

I AM suggesting that you carefully think through a few things:

1. what are you afraid of in exposing?

2. what friends could you count on for support for you and your marriage?

3. is it really in your children's best interests to not be told in age-appropriate terms why their nanny has been removed from their lives and should not be trusted?


You don't have to go around telling everyone that your husband had an affair with the nanny. But it is very good for you to have a friend or to who will help you with your own self-care, and a friend or two who will support you and WH in rebuilding your marriage.

Last edited by sexymamabear; 02/15/10 07:14 PM.

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SMB,

The two youngest were too small to even realize that she wasnt there...the oldest started going to a school program about 2 months before d-day. So WH and I took him and picked him up from program, OW had very minimal interaction with him for the 2 months before I fired her.

WH and I stayed at home following D-day (didn't return to the business where OW watched them) and then moved to a new city shortly thereafter. Oldest never asked about her and I've never explained anything.

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Originally Posted By: sexymamabear
Would it not be in their best interests to know that this person they trusted and loved is not SAFE for them and that they should never, ever speak to her or go near her again?


My children are very young and there is no way I could adequately communicate the threat she posed (even to my oldest). That is why I moved.

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Originally Posted By: hurt_but_hopeful
Originally Posted By: sexymamabear
Would it not be in their best interests to know that this person they trusted and loved is not SAFE for them and that they should never, ever speak to her or go near her again?


My children are very young and there is no way I could adequately communicate the threat she posed (even to my oldest). That is why I moved.




You really cannot know to what extent an OW will go to seek revenge, ruin your life, make you hurt, etc.

You cannot predict which ones will never set foot back into your lives and which ones will go bonkers (now or months down the road).

Surely you realize the importance of having this conversation with your children?

If you do not empower them with truth, they will remain vulnerable to her if she ever decides to enter back into their lives.

I realize your children are young and cannot FULLY understand affairs, betrayals of trust, stalking, and all this "grown up" stuff means. But young children can understand that:

"daddy and OW were doing things that only married people should do and it hurt mommy very deeply. OW is not a safe person for any of us, and so we should never, ever speak to her or go near her again. If you ever see her, you must tell mommy right away."

Last edited by sexymamabear; 02/15/10 07:33 PM.

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There are many situations where the trusted nanny went apesh&$ and kidnapped and hurt the kids, if not worse.

If nothing else, tell them not to speak or be with OW at all.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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There's a bit of a contradiction here:

You don't want to tell family because it will get back to your children.

You can't explain to the children about the nanny because they won't understand.

If your children aren't going to understand if you tell them about the nanny, then they won't understand if they hear something from the family either.

drgnfly #2324146 02/15/10 08:13 PM
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I don't want to tell family because I don't want to deal with it for my own reasons...yes, one of my concerns is that my children might find out (in the future, not now).

My littles ones are babies...my oldest is a toddler.

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You don't want to deal with WHAT? Your family supporting you in this rough time?

You have no reason not to tell them. Exposure is very important, and your H even offered (if I remember correctly) to do it HIMSELF. EXPOSE.

We need to know why you refuse to do such a CRUCIAL thing!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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