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Larry, I agree STBXH needs counseling, but I know he wont get it. He knows how to get help, but he is not willing to do so. He has already made it clear that he does not want to change and that he loves drinking. He told me so himself that drinking is the only thing that makes him happy. The idea of getting DD into counseling and then having the counselor be the one to tell him he needs to step up as a father is a good one. Maybe I'll try that in the future. However, right now, DD is only 3, and has no idea that we are divorcing. My explaination for him being gone has always been "Daddy's in the Army and he has to live far away." My pastor advised me not to let the kids know anything's wrong right now. I think they're way too young. I dont even know if having a counselor tell STBXH anything would even do any good though since he is so far into his alchohol problem now.

Sugarcane, thanks. And you are right. I should just leave him completely alone until he deals with his issues. I know that me being mean to him will not make him change. Nor will me being nice. I've got to "let go and let God". I guess I just got a bit heated in the moment.

ChrisInNOVA, I kind of get what Larry is saying about military men loving their child through their mom, since they are so far away much of the time, but I had no idea a lot of males also do this! I would like to hear this explaination as well!

Last edited by armywifie; 03/23/10 01:03 PM.

Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: _Larry_

And yelling at him accomplishes, what?

And doing so in front of your child does, what?

Is it your plan to drive him away from his daughter and fill her full of hate?

See how it can look to someone on the outside looking in? Hey, I'm divorced. My focus is on what is best for my son. I am no angel and I too have not always acted as I should. I am trying to do better.

Larry

Larry, I think you owe her an apology for that roasting. She said in the original post that she texted her H, and you did not notice that. You have accused her of a very bad thing that she did not do.

Also, do you know that this man is an alcoholic? Is your advice about his parenting needs given through that filter?

I think many people would advise armywifie to leave H completely alone until and unless he deals with his addiction. It is not her job to help this alcoholic to do his job as a father.


You're right SC. I failed to do what I normally do, which is to read back and find out more than the details of one post. I stand corrected.

And armywife, please accept my apology. Really, I normally do better than that.

I don't know how you would cut off all contacts in a divorce situation. Unless you can get a court to say otherwise because of abuse, he has a standing right to see his daughter and that is that. Yes, expensive legal proceedings can take into account his drinking and bar him from contact with daughter, but until that happens, it is what it is.

That said, if he shows up drunk, you can stop him from taking daughter with him. CPS can be called and they have the authority to ignore any court order from divorce under all sorts of laws governing child endangerment. But I suspect you know that. Without the intervention of CPS or the courts, you're stuck. But I suspect you know that too.

I may have missed it, but is your daughter in IC? I have a reason for asking.

Larry

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Thank you Larry, I accept your apology.
No she is not in counseling and has no idea we are divorcing.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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AW

Well, your daughter is old enough to know something isn't right in her world. Yes, even at three. While you can still get the Army to pay for it, please consider a session or two at the most with a Registered Play Therapist, preferably one who is at the Supervisor level. They can help you map out a plan for dealing with the issues your two children, especially the daughter and maybe the son, are going to face in as they grow up.

Take notes, or with permission record the session(s). As your kids grow up, you will bless the day. Trust me (you have no reason to), you will never regret getting the guidance an RPT-S can provide in child rearing for someone who is divorced, step-parent issues and "Visiting Dads" who have problems.

The most chilling part of your narrative:

Quote:
I do stupid things when I drink. I am not going to change.


In addition to all the rest, that flat statement had to break your heart. Now you have two very small children, no husband and you have to wonder why me Lord. And his command won't touch the situation. Some will and some won't. At least you know that a certain amount of money will be removed from his paycheck each month and sent to you. So long as he is in the Army, he has no choice. I dunno how it works in the military, but you could also receive some benefits from divorce in the particular State you live in such as alimony.

He is going to have less money to drink with, so it sounds.

Larry

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Larry,

I think it would really be helpful if you took a look at all AW's posts. Her H has put her through a tremendous amount of grief. She and kids are in CA and is in TX.

AW,
After my D from first H, I NEVER said one bad word to my DD36, . When he died, three years ago at age 56, DD36 said, "I know he was a S@#$, but he was my dad and I loved him". She also launched at her paternal grandmother when grandmother made a comment about what a good dad and step-dad (he remarried a woman with a D) first H was. The kids know and learn and make their own assessments as they grow up.

AM

Last edited by armymama; 03/23/10 06:30 PM.

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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AM

I did read most of her posts. I am deeply sympathetic with her situation and what she has on her plate. Looking forward, she is going to be presented with more challenges in her life as a result of being married and producing children with that guy. I missed that she lives in CA. That is a good thing.

An RPT who also counsels with parent(s) can give her the tools she is going to need in the future to help her manage her situation with the kids.

I made a huge mistake with my post to her. And she is very young and very vulnerable right now. I am ashamed of myself and I assure you, if you will read my own posts, it was out of character except when deserved, and it clearly wasn't. I ... made ... a ... mistake. I would like to make amends, if possible and if I am permitted.

Thanks AM.

Larry

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Larry,

I agree AW has alot on her plate. I have also seen her approach everything with intelligence and thoughtfulness. Her H is losing many good, good things in his life. His stupid choices.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Thanks Larry, the play counseling sounds like a good idea and I will look into it. I accept your apology.

AM, that is a sad story about your daughter and her father. I havnt had any contact with my father since I was 8. I guess that's why it is such a sensitive thing for me to see my own kids missing out on a relationship with their dad. It's a painful thing. I know they are very young and dont quite understand, but DD has already asked why her friends have daddies and she doesnt. When she makes comments like that I just want to kill him! I wish he would wake up and see what he's doing to these kids. I have no desire to have a relationship with him anymore, but my kids deserve to have a relationship with him. It's so unfair!
He has become so different from the person I married in 2005. Since he found out he would be deployed the first time, he has become an alcoholic, drunkenly crashed our car AND his motorcycle, destroyed his marriage, abandoned his kids... I cant understand why the Army is allowing this to happen with no consequenses and wont get him some help. Instead, they're sending him BACK to Iraq this summer! He seems to be getting worse and worse as the next deployment approaches.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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AW,


My daughter has suffered and has caused suffering as an adult. At 36, she has never been married, engaged once and "rented" relationships with 4 guys. The most current one is her divorced previous boss (she was the ow. I found out when my H was in his A, but before D-day. That was wierd in retrospect).

The Army talks family and caring for Soldiers, but really the bottom line is whether a unit (or the country) can fight the war. It really saddens me to say that after having been on active duty for nearly 28 years. But..... it nearly cost our marriage and our family is the most important thing in my life.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Wow AM! That must be hard! Knowing your daughter was the OW while you were going through your own rough times...

Ugh... I need to vent for a sec... rant2
I'm soooo mad... I have been doing so good emotionally until right now. I went to church for communion tonight, and STBXH called twice while I was there, but I ignored the calls. It's been almost a month since he's called. As soon as I got out of church I called him back and he asked to talk to the kids. I told him I just got out of church and I'd put them on the phone as soon as I got to the babysitter's house. I asked him why he hasnt called the kids and he made all kinds of excuses about how busy he has been. I told him "You havnt been too busy to be on Facebook" He got all mad and started talking crap and calling me names. He complained about how much money child support is taking out. He told me I need to find a way for the kids to come visit him. I said "I wnated to bring them down for Christmas and you said no". He told me it's cause he doesn't want to see me. I told him he has to see me for the rest of his life because we have kids together so he might as well get over it and act like an adult. He yelled at me some more and hung up.
I got home and called him back and put the kids on. They each talked for like 30 seconds. Then I told him "Happy Birthday. You need to call the kids more often" and he hung up. Today's his birthday.

There's this song, Jaron and the Long Road to Love- I Pray for you... That's how I feel about him sometimes. It's a funny song.

-End Rant... I feel a lil better. crazy


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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It would be very, very hard for me to deal with your STBXH.

grrrrrrr.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted By: barbiecat
It would be very, very hard for me to deal with your STBXH.

grrrrrrr.


yes... he is very irritating.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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AW

I think that Whoopie Goldberg got it right when she observed (paraphrasing)that the generation before us raised a bunch of selfish brats.

Sad.

Larry

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Originally Posted By: _Larry_

AW

I think that Whoopie Goldberg got it right when she observed (paraphrasing)that the generation before us raised a bunch of selfish brats.

Sad.

Larry





Yep, I agree! And I love Whoopi.
grin


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Apr 2010
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I agree. Your husband is addicted to alcohol and the only who can help him with that is himself. He is definitely choosing alcohol over you and his child. I have a family member who is an alcoholic, so I know what your going through. The best thing you can do is move on and focus on you and your child. Maybe, once he realized what he lost due to alchol, he might find in it himself to get help.

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del88... yeah the whole alcohol thing is very hard and very sad. I'm doing my best to move on and working the steps of al-anon. So far I've done the first three. 1. I am powerless over STBXH and alcohol. 2. God can bring back my sanity (and STBXH's). 3. Let go and let God.

Gosh I hope Elin and Sandra file for divorce!

Taking my kids to Six Flags today for some fun!


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 128
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I finally went to the court house and got the papers that I need to finalize my divorce. I am trying to avoid a trial so I am going to write up the agreement the way I want it and mail it to STBXH and hope that he signs it. What I want is for him to keep all that he has in Texas, and for me to keep all that I have in California. I dont want us to fight over anything. I am also putting down that he will have to pay debts that are in his name, and I will have to pay debts that are in mine. We dont have any debts in both of our names. I am going to write a short note to him saying that I dont want to fight over anything and I just want to get the divorce done and over with so please just sign the papers so we can move foreward.
Hopefully we can do it this way. I'm tired of dealing with court and papers. I think it's pretty fair.

Last edited by armywifie; 04/24/10 02:00 PM.

Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 128
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Yesterday I sent off the papers to STBXH... now I have to hope he fills them out, signs them, and sends them back to me...
Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary... I'm doing better than I thought I would be. My friends have been sending me supportive texts saying how great of a friend and mom I am,and tonight we're getting together to make dinner...
smile


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
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Have you run this by an atty? You may want a "no fighter" for peace, but MAKE SURE a 3rd party checks it over for fairness.

(Prolly going to get may @ss kicked for this one,) but make sure your "taker and giver" will both be happy with the offer in the long run. think

You sound good.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 128
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Thanks Barbiecat... I am meeting with the people at Legal Access at the courthouse. They are the ones who have been helping me fill out and file all my paperwork so far and they give free legal advice. And yes, if STBXH agrees to what I want I will be happy. I just dont want to drag it out any longer. I want it over and I wont be losing anything except my marriage and my medical coverage.

I was watching TV a little while ago and saw a report on two soldiers who suffered from PTSD after their tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. One man was 39 and the other was 40. They were both married. Their wives were talking about how their husbands couldnt adjust to life at home and became depressed. They talked about their husbands drinking and engaging in wreckless behavior, including infidelity. One wife said she almost filed for divorce. Both wives tried desperately to get their husbands to agree to get professional help. Their husbands were afraid that if they asked for help they would not be promoted. They were also in denial. The wives were talking about how they wished there was an easy way to be able to let the Army know their husbands needed help. I had the same problems that they did when they tried to get command involved and nothing was done to solve the problem. One of the soldiers finally got help and is now recovering. The other one shot himself and died leaving behind his wife and three small children. They said last year was the highest suicide count so far for the military. This all brought me to tears. It is so sad and so scary. It made me feel kind of guilty because they said the soldiers in these situations need their family to stand by them, and I'm divorcing mine. It made me wonder if I'm doing the right thing, and what if something bad happend to STBXH, like suicide? Would I blame myself? Would I feel guilty for the rest of my life? I know it wouldnt be my fault. I know that I am powerless over STBXH and his problems. I still cant help feeling bad though. This is not how I wanted our marriage to end up...


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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