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Way to go on the weight loss! Do you have a goal?
Lets just break these down one by one.
Affection
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:
You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.
Learn to be more affectionate
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection.
How did you do with this one? Do you think he had any complaints? This is a great place for text messages. Thoughtful positive thinking-of-you types of messages. I think he did feel like I wasnt always affectionate like he would like to snuggle and spoon and I didnt so he would get mad because he said I would only do it when I wanted sex!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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Also the day he told me he wanted to leave he asked me to go riding with him and I said no.... so i think he feels like we have nothing in common
Yes I want to loose another 40 or 50 lbs .... I gained about 80lbs with my kids and never really lost it ... I am a person that caries my qweight evenly so I never looked really bad but it affected my health and i was self concious so even though he never said anything I know it bothered him he did tell me he always thought I would die before him because of all my health issues!
Last edited by lisa123prpe; 06/07/10 03:11 PM.
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Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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He told me that if we ride its just as friends! I will ignore the comment and ask for rides anyways! HAHAHA! I love that, do you know why? Because it is just another lie, I told my husband the same thing, how I only think of him as a best friend bla bla bla bla bla! FOG babble! He is actually just saying that for him, he knows that he still loves you, so when he does say things like that "just think of you as a friend." or "Your like a sister to me now." it is just so he can justify what he is doing, cause he knows deep down that he loves you still. LOL still funny that all wayward s are exactly the same! Do you think there is a website called "what to say to your spouse so you can get away with cheating?" Cause I think we have all been to that site to get our "Scripts"
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That is a good clue for you.
So you know you need to change that dynamic. Every time you see him, you need to touch him in some way that is not sexual.
Maybe its giving him at a hug. Squeezing his hand. Rubbing his back. Hip bump.
I had to laugh a little at your description -- usually its the woman who says that.
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That is a good clue for you.
So you know you need to change that dynamic. Every time you see him, you need to touch him in some way that is not sexual.
Maybe its giving him at a hug. Squeezing his hand. Rubbing his back. Hip bump.
I had to laugh a little at your description -- usually its the woman who says that. I know I have always had a higher sex drive than him... we used to joke that I was the man in the relantionship! I think because I always wanted that I made him feel like he couldnt satisfy me!
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Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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You are doing a great job. I would just say...don't lay it on too thick. I'm not sure about saying ILY if he is showing you it's making him uncomfortable. Keep it light and easy! This was also great Plan A advice given to me early on. I got a lot of mileage out of it. Here's another little tip I came across form three different sources: engage your husband in conversation as early each day as practical. The FIRST person somebody discusses things with is the person they bond the closest to. It doesn't even matter what the topic is: the weather, the news, the children, soem tv show, whatever. Typically males don't talk as much as females so they might talk about something only ONCE so it's very important to try to take advantage of being the first (and perhaps only) person they talk to. So calling him before he goes to work each day is a good idea. Just remember to keep it lighthearted and chatty. One of the reasons so many WS's get involved with coworkers is because of this concept. They start out simply chatting about mundane harmless stuff, then joking around and being 'friends', then oops - one thing has led to another.
OK, one more tip: I've read that only 1 in 5 conversations should be about the relationship, problems, or anything negative. Talk about it if he brings it up and isn't trying to bait you into an argument.
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Before we go through the whole list -- pick the 5 you think are his most important:
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration
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Sapphire, just a week ago you were recommending that she Plan B her husband. Now you're on the Plan A band wagon.
I'm just not sure you have enough experience to be making these emphatic recommendations.
I'm glad you are here -- and I am glad you are encouraging Lisa.
*I* am uncomfortable with the idea of you advising Lisa off-board. That is just my opinion, and I tried to put it out there without offending you. I was also recommending Plan B but jumped on the "Plan A Bandwagon" because that is the path lisa chose and I am gonna support her either way...I saw a lot of me in lisa and I had a very hard time emotionally handling Plan A...Lisa was showing signs that she was heading in the bad direction I ended up in... LBs and AOs do not make a good plan A, they actually have the opposite effect. Plan A is extremely emotionally draining and I saw time and time again that lisa could not handle it...So I recommended Plan B to protect her. Lisa chose to try her best to do a quick Plan A...I will help support her the best I can in that decision...It will be best for the R of her marriage if she can handle it..
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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Lisa you are getting A1 advice on here....and I am glad you are doing better...Keep it up, okay?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Lisa,
Dr Harley refers to 4 of the top ten emotional needs as being unique. He calls these the Intimate Emotional Needs since they are the things that create intimacy within a marriage. These four are:
Conversation (typically a top need for most women)
Recreational Companionship (typically a top need for most men)
Affection (again usually one of the top needs of the wife)
Sexual Fulfillment (another typically top need for most men)
On a recent radio program Dr and Mrs Harley were discussing the things they did when they were dating. Mrs Harley talked about learning to play tennis so that she could play tennis with him. His take on that was what I found interesting. He said that likely that activity worked for their relationship at the time because it met his EN of Recreational Companionship and while engaging in tennis he was willing to meet her EN for Conversation.
In his work Dr Harley suggests that the 4 Intimate Emotional Needs (IENs) be met together as a group whenever we spend our Undivided Attention time together. What this does is to cause both of us to get our top (or some of our most important) ENs met that really can't be met in other ways at other times.
Based on the picnic episode, I would venture that RC is in fact one of his top ENs anyway and so this idea of a vacation might be just the ticket to get things on track. This coupled with your making improvements in your physical appearance (don't just dwell on losing weight but extend that to the way you dress etc) you can make massive Love Bank deposits pretty quickly, making it much more likely that he will decide that he wants to remain with you since it will give him what he needs in order to have a romantic relationship with you and not have to begin again with someone else.
This is really the goal of Plan A, to remove the reasons to end the relationship by getting rid of negative experiences when together (getting rid of Love Busters) while making the marriage relationship much more attractive overall by providing for the meeting of his ENs thus increasing the positive experiences while in your company.
You're doing well, Lisa. Be thinking about an intermediary and what you will need to do if you need to be in Plan B because after an intense vacation of serious Plan A, a sudden Plan B might jog things loose. Not saying suddenly drop Plan B on him after vacation though because a week of serious Plan A might bring him closer to returning. (It might not, but can't hurt)
Spending as much time with him as possible, trying to meet his ENs, will also prevent him from being able to slip away to anyone else to get his ENs met. It will also make him less likely to want to do that in the long run because his ENs will actually be getting met. By eliminating Love Busters at the same time, his time with you will become even more enjoyable ensuring that he will continue to want to spend time with you.
But again...No Expectations, OK?
Mark
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He is resisting the time thing he does come by everyday but makes it a quick visit an hr or so and then on weekends he tries to do something for 3 or 4 hrs each day with the kids.... since he isn't here to see me he said...
Also I wanted to continue plan A until the end of June if at all possible!
I wanted to ask him to go work out with me in the AM to see if he wanted to do that but have been afraid to ask....
He keeps saying he wants us to be friends but doesn't want to give me mixed signals.... I also think he is texting less and not really calling because his therapist told him to separate from me more....
Im not sure if he would welcome my calls in the morning... I usually used to call him as soon as i was in my car....
I am trying to keep my expectations in check so im not disappointed if he doesn't want to do things with me....
Also the vacation is going to be a series of day trips... I don't think i can handle overnight right now.... All will be day long trips centered around the kids
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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I know you want to try to Plan A until the end of June. That is a GREAT goal, but it may not be realistic. When are you guys getting back from that vaca? We will see how you feel from there. Since your WH doesn't currently live at home, you MAY be able to pull it off. Just a few days ago you were trying to get through one day at a time. Just get all of the things ready for Plan B in case you have to pull it out sooner than you planned.
Did you ask your sister to read some of the stuff on here? At least get her to look over the surviving infidelity part. She has been such a HUGE support for you.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Recreational Physical Attractiveness Honesty and Openness admiration affection communication
Last edited by lisa123prpe; 06/08/10 08:34 AM.
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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Joined: Jun 2006
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Recreational Physical Attractiveness Honesty and Openness admiration affection communication I'd bet money on SF being in the top three, maybe 1 or 2, Domestic Support being in the top 5 and affection being ahead of H&O... Mark
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So yesterday was a disaster I think!
He came home to see the kids I asked him about his day and if he wanted to eat... He was on the computer looking for rims for his car and I stood there asking questions acting interested...
Then I saw he had his motorcycle keys and I asked him to go for a ride but he said he wasnt going for a ride....
I was like oh ok well can you start teaching me the basics... I told him i signed up for the class....
So we went downstairs and he took his jacket out and helmet ... I thought we were going for a ride so I said let me get my jacket..
He said I told you im not going for a ride but if you want me to tech you come out because Im ready to leave....
I swallowed my hurt and put on my sneakers to go outside!
All went well untill I dropped the bike on myself.....
He was upset I broke the brake leaver and part of the side panel, I said omg im sorry!
He was livid.. he said just another thing to worry about and went to put it back in the garage.....
I was hurting I had landed on my arm and leg. So I just started crying I was overwhelmed by how mad I was at myself.....
I sat on my stoop with my kids hugging me....
He came up to me and asked me if I was ok and to not cry because he knew the risk of letting me ride his bike!
I said I am sorry I know how much you love that bike! He said its al right I can fix it..... I could tell he was very upset so I got up and hugged him....
I think that was a big mistake because he wouldnt even hug me back he just put his arms back ... I asked him to hug me and I sensed his reluctance and that he was uncomfortable... so I took a step back
I said its ok and walked off a little bit.....
He gave me the angriest look.... I said why are you angry and he said nothing forget it.... I went over to him and said dont be mad I felt you were uncomfortable so I stepped back ... He goes well then why did you ask me to hugg you.....
I said because I wanted you to... I told him this is difficult... He goes I know its difficult... He said Ill talk to you later.... I said yes we can talk later.....
He took off and i had a good cry......
He then sent me a text message saying dont worry he knew that could happen just take medicine for the arm... I told him i would take care of it and he said dont worry about it he will just add it to his list of problems.....
I have a friend who is a motorcycle mechanic.... He came and took the bike he said there isnt anything really wrong with it just the brake leavers are designed to break off like that....
He said most of it is just cosmetic..... So I hope he is happy when I bring his bike back today fixed ....
I texted him this morning saying good morning and to have a good day.
So I have to regroup!
Last edited by lisa123prpe; 06/08/10 08:49 AM.
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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Aww..Lisa I am so sorry! I know that must have been really hard for you! You actually did great though just remember that you have the upper hand in this plan, you are doing great, I know it will be hard for the rest of them month doing your plan A, and know that this wont be for ever. The reason why he wouldn't hug back is because he is afraid to love you more, hugging is HUGE in a relationship, it means that I care for you and he can't handle that right now, because of all these emotions he is going through. Don't let it bother you, I remember I didn't want any affection from Wheels because I knew it would make me fall in love with him, and telling myself "I only love him as a brother" felt easier then falling in love, because what I was doing WAS wrong, and for avoiding anything that will remind me that I actually DO LOVE my husband, hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc would make me feel those feelings again and I was SCARED! Your doing great lisa! Keep it up, soon this will all be over, just know that you have a plan A and a plan B
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 06/08/10 08:59 AM.
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{{{{Lisa}}}}}...You did fine...Im sorry, sometimes we try so hard we trip over our own feet....But you did perfectly fine, hopefully someday down the road you two can have a little chuckle about it....You handled it good and just what sapphire said....Plan A is not forever, so just remember that...One day at a time.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Recreational Physical Attractiveness Honesty and Openness admiration affection communication I'd bet money on SF being in the top three, maybe 1 or 2, Domestic Support being in the top 5 and affection being ahead of H&O... Mark You think he is SF? Domestic support? Affection you are probably right about
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Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
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SF and domestic support is ALWAYS in the men's top 5
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