Well put!

One of the things that helped me understand cope realize wake up was this thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2242070#Post2242070

But her EA is with a guy in Fla., her mother's neighbor and we live in Buffalo.

From being on this board for two years I do think that WW are more self entitled and crueler (sp?) than WH. On DDay when I found out about my DH A, he called up the skank immediately dumped her and looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me that they were just two stupid ppl who were feeding off of each other's low self esteem. When I told him that I had talked to the XOW and she was mean he told me that we should go over there and hurt her because she has not right talking to me like that because she is so beneath me (what???). I could not believe this. At the time I had been M to him for over 15 years and I have NEVER thought my DH was capable of saying as many things about another woman that he told me about her. My DH changed his entire life around, has risked losing his job because for the last two yrs he refuses to travel unless I can go with him and has literally done everything in his power to save our M even when I had given up.

I do think that WW really think their OM is their soul mate and they get totally emotionally involved while WH can have an A and really not care about the OW. My DH swears that his XOW meant nothing to him, he said she just made herself available to him and worshipped the ground he walked on and he was at such a low place it felt good at first to have someone who worshipped him. He said after a while it became annoying because she became too clingy and started asking him questions about being together more than once every other month.

I can't believe some of the things I read on this board that WW tell their BH. I feel so sorry for some of them. If my DH would have EVER acted unremorseful or would have not acted like he chosed his M over some skank, I would have packed his bags and threw him out of my life.

Have you read SoL's thread?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2271825#Post2271825

Depends on whether you're a BW or a BH.


I've seen some pretty wicked WHs...one up close and personal. I've read on MB about some pretty wicked WWs.

Who cares which is worse when your whole world is shattered? Whether it's shattered into a billion pieces or a gazillion...shattered is shattered.

This is like comparing the damage of an EA to a PA to a wayward who ends A upon discovery to a wayward whose A goes on and on to false recoveries to abandonment to financial ruin to exposing children to AP and on and on the wickedness goes.

It's all still devasting. Do we really need to measure the amount of devastation?

All I know is that what I endured was incomprehensible and almost not survivable while I lived it. If I had merit badges for all that I endured battling the affair, I would be well decorated...more so than many BH's. I am sure, however, that there are those(BWs and BHs alike) who would be far more decorated than I.

Yet here I am in a passionate, intimate marriage with my husband of over 20 years.

While battling an affair, work Plan A & B to the best of your ability. While recovering your marriage, work the MB recovery plan to the best of your ability. Don't worry about whether your WS is worse than others. I can assure you, we're all dealing with the person who has the power to hurt us more than anyone on earth. That doesn't need measured.

I am sorry to say this, but maybe she wants it to be more.

Yes.

Gack stated this:


I believe that WW's are a "little" more ruthless than WH's. The reason is simple:

"It has always worked in the past, so its time to ratchet it up"

Reading many threads here over the years, the BH's thought they had a good marriage. When the A occurs, the WW goes crazy, and becomes ruthless. What the BH learns HERE, is that thier early marriage had alot of issues, and learned to conflict avoid, to "keep the peace". And once the A starts, then all those things to keep the BH in line in the past are increased in intensity by the WW.

And its a bell curve. WH's can and are ruthless. I beleive that the percentage of "ruthless" WW's is at the higher end of this Bell Curve than the men.

JMVHO.

LG

The reasons are always the same. They have affairs because they don't have boundaries in place to prevent situations that make an affair possible.





Well now, doesn't that make men out to be real thuds and romanticize a wayward wife. The WW only wanted to feel needed....wanted....loved. WTH?! If only their BH would have needed, wanted and loved them. How about romanticizing the WH, too, just to be fair. Maybe he just wanted to be admired, appreciated and respected.






I've seen plenty of WH's here who walked away from long-term marriages and children. I'd say they were pretty well invested emotionally. There's too many of them around to call them an "exception".

tiaga,

Why don't you start a thread detailing your situation so folks here can help you find healing from the pain you are experiencing?

ITA with all of the above, I do not think it is gender specific, I think WW are more emotionally involved because women in general are more emotionally involved.

I also think that we as women do not understand how other women can do those kinds of things. And we also think that most men only think about sex and it is not as "forbidden" so to speak with WHs.

And I think it has a lot to do with the WSs personality as well some people in general feel more entitled than others, heck most of the ENTIRE younger generation feels more entitled that we did.

Uhm....were you joking???

Or are you looking to win the most merit badges? Is there a prize? If so, I'm not sure I'd want to win it!

Gee, this sounds eerily familiar. Scirugby, I might have to spend a little time gettin' up to speed on your sitch....

I was told almost a year ago from some fine folks here that a woman does not leave her house and children for any reason other than to make herself more available to someone else....

It turned out to be bulls-eye accurate......

TBC

Exception, no.
How about minority?

But we are talking about ruthlessness.

I have seen very few wayward husbands attempt to take the house and kids from BW.

But a large majority of WW do try this with there BH.
And want child support.
And want alimony.
And the cars.
A the furniture.
And the boat.

Even the dog!

No, I compare one devastation to another in all facets of life. It gives me perspective on how bad my life could be, and how good I would like to make it. How other people think and deal with both good times and bad. And compare those to my own actions and situations to give me some perspective.

Both for inspiration and precaution.

Sure, the discussion seems very similar to something along the lines of "Firing Squad or Hanging"? Both conjur up feelings of nastiness and discomfort and, frankly, the end results are no different.

WH or WW? Same end result with THIS comparison -- pain, anguish, emotional trauma. That being said, it is an interesting topic and quite thought-provoking......

We all know examples from each end of the spectrum. NEITHER side monopolizes the venom nor the ferocity generated to protect the fix found in the OP.

So from my view from the not-so-cheap seats, I'd still say that a WW is more ruthless. I think a WH wants what he wants, and once he gets it, he's fat, dumb and happy -- generally speaking of course. I think a WW, on a fairly regular basis, taps into her supply of villification for the BH in order to continue propelling herself on her path.

I think women, generally speaking, are more complex emotionally than men and thus, have to work the situation on a number of different levels. And in order to do that, they not only need a greater degree of momentum (than what would be required of a WH), but also longer sustainability to justify the situation on an ongoing basis.

And yes, JMHO.....

TBC

IMO

If the wayward spouse has a big old piece of luggage FILLED and OVERFLOWING with resentments .... There is more propensity and potential toward ruthless behavior.

It can apply toward WH or WW, however, it seems to me that WW's "in general" hold more grudges and are keeping score more often than WHs.

Is this universally true?
No, of course not.
But, I think there is a trend.

This.

Seems to me the WH often has the mindset of "I still love you, but I also care deeply for OW". The WH will often try to reconcile, but may fail because he is still drawn to the OW too much.

Where the WW is more prone to rewrite history and come at you from "I haven't loved you for __ years, can't change my feelings now, too little too late, don't know if I want to try." mindset. The WW is more apt to never give a real try to recovery.

Or I may be looking at it through the lens of my own situation.

Nope, Dr. Harley has said the same thing.

Don't we all? At lease a little?