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She still claims she wants nothing; she wants to make sure I can afford to keep the house and keep the boys living as normal as they were used to. All the bills are in her name. She said she is going to keep it that way to help me get used to paying all the bills and showing me how to do it online. She has always taken care of the finances our whole marriage. I know I should separate them all so she can't hurt me, but her helping to show me the bills and what gets paid how will be a big help. Plus, that means she has to see me and give her a chance to continue to see my progress on myself and the house.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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In my new honesty an openness I told her about my going through her texts and e-mails. She will be moving and I won't be able to get info anyways. She said she felt hurt and violated like she was raped. You all told me she would say this. I simply said I was trying to get as much information as I could to save our marriage and did not apologize. She said it reminded her of her mother going through her intimate diaries when she was a kid.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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The subject of the future came up. She said that she can not rule out a reconciliation, she doesn't know what the future will hold. She said that she can not think about it now, she needs to get away. I think she is so hurt she cannot think about us until she has time to heal and realize what she is missing.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
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She is lying, waywards LIE! Do not believe them!

How long will you be in plan A when she moves out?

I would definitely separate the finances, GET HER NAME OFF THE BILLS!

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Originally Posted By: awokenhubby
The subject of the future came up. She said that she can not rule out a reconciliation, she doesn't know what the future will hold. She said that she can not think about it now, she needs to get away. I think she is so hurt she cannot think about us until she has time to heal and realize what she is missing.


If that is the case are you willing to go into plan B when she leaves?

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I am planning on Plan A for a while first; how long I do not know. It depends on how long I can do it, and see if it is having any effect. I know at some point I need to go to plan B, and maybe go dark and really isolate her. But I do see signs she is regretting leaving. She has made a few comments about it; so Plan A may have an effect for a while.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
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OK, just get your plan B ready, they say while in plan A always make sure you are ready for plan B at any moment or second...being prepared is the best thing you need to do right now.

BTW did I tell you that your wife is lying to you about changing her FB to confused BEFORE she met the OM? Well...

SHE IS LYING!!

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A little more on the EA. She said she did it with Fla. POS because he was safe. It could never go anywhere because of the distance and the fact he has a live-in, but he gave her the attention I didn't and made her feel good when she was really down. What is the take on this?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted By: awokenhubby
The subject of the future came up. She said that she can not rule out a reconciliation, she doesn't know what the future will hold. She said that she can not think about it now, she needs to get away. I think she is so hurt she cannot think about us until she has time to heal and realize what she is missing.


None of the above.
1. She wants to rule out a reconciliation, but doesn't want to say that.
2. She is not thinking about her 'hurt' - she's not hurt in the least. She's having all of her needs met - that feels good.

I'm sorry, ah, but it sounds like your WW is working her own agenda. She's not 'healing' or anything like that.

And don't you, for ONE MINUTE, cast her as a victim who is HURT. ICK! Don't do it.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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She is not convinced that I acted the way I did (or didn't act towards her) because of my depression. She sees the way I am now and says that no one comes out of a depression "overnight" and without medicine. I explained that I don't know why, but once I realized the problem/had it pointed out to me, I saw the way out. She said if I can do everything perfect now, I could have done that all along.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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I think she is afraid to believe the changes in me for fear that if she comes back, I am going to revert and she will be right back where she was. Only time can prove to her that the changes are real and permanent, hence the continuation of Plan A.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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I talked to my mother tonight and told her about the separation and move out. she wasn't surprised. I also told her about my depression and she guesses it goes back at least 7 years. Everyone could see it (but me of course) but no one knew how to tell me or get me help. I wish someone had and I wouldn't be here, but maybe I couldn't have seen my way out until I hit rock bottom. I do like the way I have changed and who and where I am becoming. I have a lot more joy, except for the pain of losing my wife.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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I thought tomorrow was supposed to be the first night she was staying at her apartment, but she called me a few hours ago and told me she has too much to do to get her apartment ready and she doesn't have another day off after tomorrow for 13 days and is going to stay there tonight. I don't know if I can sleep, so I may be up most of the night and if so I will be typing a lot more. Expressing myself helps me calm down and cope. I did send her a text asking if she's okay and to call if she needs to talk. Trying to be there for her, but maybe that is going too far?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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I wouldn't bother man, she's probably too busy with the OM chatting online.

I know it hurts, but you gotta do what ever is necessary to keep going in plan A, just never give up!

My husband was in plan A for 2 months while I flaunted my A right in his face!

I know plan A at this point might be a little tough because she is no longer in the house, just do the best you can, and you will know when to start plan B. laugh

Just remember, it's not going to be like this FOREVER!

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MB,
I know that she cannot excuse herself for the EA, I am the victim on that. I take blame for ignoring her needs and having no emotional connection with her. I however do not completely blame myself for this. With the depression I couldn't treat her right, and she could have treated me better and helped me through it. We are both at fault, but she NEVER had the right to get her needs met through an EA. It depends on which body part is running my body, heart or head and how I react to this. As I work through my depression and turn back on my emotions, I love her more than ever and feel guilty for my lack of relationship to her, so sometimes I take more blame than I should. I am the husband and I am supposed to take care of her and make her happy, and I didn't do it. I am old fashioned that way.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Sapphire,
I know it won't be like this forever, at least I hope not, it bites! I will do Plan A as long as I can. Steel myself up for Plan B and really think about going dark. I want to save this marriage so bad, I won't ever give up! I just need to keep working on me and getting out of where I was, IC will help. I suggested it to her as well; she still said she will do some couple counseling, but if she doesn't want to work on us, I do know what that is for, I guess I will find out when we jointly meet with MC.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Oh, and thanks for the 2 x 4 for any time I start to wallow. I need to keep focused, sliding back and feeling sorry won't help, but will justify her leaving and her belief that the change is an act.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Help Please. What are some good things I can do to continue plan A now that she is moved out? What works. What might end up as a LB? Should I call and ask how she is? Do I invite her out for lunch when she is working? Sapphire what did your hubby do? This is too important to me to screw it up. BTW, I doubt she is chatting online with POSOM, she is not getting internet, she can't afford it. So the only way she can go online is to drive to a WiFi hot spot, which means coming back into the village and near me.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Will come back later with some ideas - read myfamilyilove - he did some great Plan A while separated actions.

Make sure you are at the top of your game - like when you were dating her.

Whenever you see her - look good, smell good, good hygeine, maintain the house [censored] and span. Think of anything to impress as if she was a new girlfriend.

What happens in marriage is that we all get a bit lazy with ourselves and especially men need to keep appearances up even if married for 3 decades. I realized that when my weight had increased to 230 lbs ( I am 6-3) and should be in the 185 to 195 range. My wife used to make some comments about it. Now I am down to 190 - even being married 30 yrs - it matters to her what I look and feel physically.

Thats a start.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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Yes always look and smell good!

You can text her every morning and say "Morning babe! Hope you have a wonderful day today!:D" something positive and nice!

No relationship talk.

No AO

When you find out, that she has been talking to the OM, don't freak out, just calm yourself, and ignore it.

Smile

This will be hard now that she is moved out, but sometimes for me I do a "healthy protest" when I am feeling overwhelmed, anxiety, sad, etc...when I have too much emotion, my healthy protest consists of a plastic stick banging my bed for 20 to 30 seconds, letting all my emotions out. laugh That way when you do see her, and you are soo angry you won't let your emotions take over....

GOOD LUCK!

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