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I have emailed her my phone number and i am not very far away.

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That's great Stay, I was worried about that too.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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Originally Posted by staytogether
I have emailed her my phone number and i am not very far away.

Originally Posted by princessmeggy
That's great Stay, I was worried about that too.

OMG..............

well I guess I'll say thanks??????

wow this is being really conspiracy theory!!!!


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Originally Posted by staytogether
I have emailed her my phone number and i am not very far away.

Originally Posted by princessmeggy
That's great Stay, I was worried about that too.

OMG..............

well I guess I'll say thanks??????

wow this is being really conspiracy theory!!!!


You wanna focus on you for a bit now?


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No conspiracy. My H isn't here right now, but he may be willing to help you, give you a few pointers.

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I had the opportunity to read the posts since EmotionallyBackward (EB) started posting again and was able to plow through all of them together in one reading. There were a few things that struck me about both his and his BW's dynamic.
First off,
notice that EB "thanks" each poster, even when they post something blunt and challenging. This is a classic negotiation trick from Dale Carnegie (How to win friends and influence people). Say thanks, find things to praise, get your "opponent" on your side. Sorry pal, that won't wash here.
Secondly, EB likes to AGREE with us on things, promises to do things, then DOES NOTHING. Anyone remember the word for that? PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. (Ok, two words)
So, we have a Dale Carnegie-trained-passive-aggressive. Oh, and add to that an abusive drunk. Not saying you're drunk all the time, but most of the few times you do drink, you get into big trouble (affairs, domestic violence). Hey, I'd take someone who drank every night but went to bed with me and didn't beat me up a couple times a year.
I'm not even going to go into any of the things you need to do to help your marriage, because you already have that. You've had it since you started posting long ago. You've chosen NOT to take that advice but to try to use your skills to manipulate your wife into accepting the marriage on YOUR terms. (NO APOLOGIES)
And I don't mean you should say you're sorry, but for once in your life to SHOW you're sorry.
Now, to betrayed wife BH, you have also been given lots of advice, but you take none of it. You WANT this to get negotiated out on your H's terms because that's the path of least resistance. You complain on your thread about how no one posts to you, but some of us gave up because it's clear you don't want to do the heavy lifting (which involves making your husband accountable for his actions, and having DIRE consequences, like JAIL or being KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE, when he doesn't get there).Don't complain about your situation--you haven't taken ANY of the advice offered and that's why we've stopped offering. Time on this earth is finite, and we don't want to waste time on people who aren't going to work to better their situation. Stop rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Your marriage is circling the drain--and it's because of abuse, addiction and adultery--the deadly three. If the abuse and addiction don't stop, then the adultery is small potatoes.
Oh, one more thing EB--don't THANK me for my post. I'm not going to be manipulated by your little tricks. I know you just want people to side with you and accept your failings, like your wife does.


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Nice post ima!

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Wow! Go back to his first posts, starting in October. Each one is peppered with "thanks!" and smile smiley faces.
You're a WIFE BEATER and a CHEATER, EB.
smile
smile
smile
smile
smile
smile
Smiley faces and "Thanks!" don't cut it.


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
First of all I would like to say thanks to everyone whos taken time to reply to my thread, im reading everything carefully as this means a lot to me....

So.....

Writer 1 - Thanks for your views, I was expecting the reoccuring theme of NC as ive read other threads on here. I do understand and as stated I WILL make it my main objective to job hunt starting ASAP.

I will make a critism of a few users at this point - While I understand I MUST leave my job and the OW behind me 'QUITING instantly' is not an option for ANYONE living in the real world. Ive already devestated my family once so losing our family home and ability to feed the kids isnt an option. I dont know what job hunting is like in the US now the econamy is 'alledgyly on the up' after the stimulus plan, but here its still shocking. Companies falling into administration daily etc..... Anyway im getting distracted. I fully understand that I must leave ASAP but it will be when a full plan is in place smile

I need to hear the harsh reality of the situation from someone other than my wife. People who are in similar situations, have priceless advice to offer etc, and as I said im buying into MB fully. My wife and I have just ordered the 'Surviving the affair' book from amazon.


MelodyLane - I have sat down and introduced my W to this site and she has a thread of her own, her username is brutallyhonest28 and the thread is called 'one year on, when will it get better'.

Your right, I've been struggling identifying and understanding her pain. This is a big issue for us and as you say allows me to make ther situation worse by not making allowances towards her in everyday life.

I have already sourced the two questionaires in question and we will sit down and spend some quality time together.


Doingfine - as stated in my first post, i have disclosed ALL contact with OW. Always in the presence of management or customers and strictly professional (3 times in last year) - three times to many I ACCEPT!


Gloveoil - Ordered book today, couple of days delivery, will definately be making time with wife to read it smile

In terms of the affair im definately owning it, in fact my wife wants me to blame OW more :-s

In terms of your direct reference to the internet, im considering the truth in what you've said, I have felt more victim than perp, I offered support and they got attached but I guess helping someone at weak time for them and helping them, being their support could lead to problems but if everyone thought like this the world would be an even darker place. But still Ive learnt that lesson the hard way and they are someone elses problem now. Im all busy with the one that matters - my amazing wife

Back to the A, In fact I was the person who was low and wanted support and friendship.

Job wise, fair play and im going to sort this smile see above responses


Staytogether - Your spot on she has already begun shutting down, not because of the A but my actions or lack off, since.

Internet wise Im already ahead on that one, ive deleted facebook, dont use chat rooms AT ALL, never used MSN and so basically interent is for info and MB only and im glad for that smile


Sugarcane - I actually wanted Emotionally_Stunted but its too long frown I dont like emotionally dead either but that was the last issue on my mind this morning while posting for the first time, but of course id be happy to rethink smile

Ok my Store - management didnt give a ***edit*** about A as long as it didnt effect running of store. It did as explained and that pissed them off no end. I became unrealiable and as I was the only member of management in my department (nights) at the time, covering wasnt easy as everyone else worked days. Also sickness was obvisouly very short notice for them depending on day at home and sometimes I just didnt turn up. I got sat down repeatidly and slowly my record became offical. She carried on her work without issue as she wasnt bothered so of course came accross like little miss innocent. Difference was when I was at work I was professional while she was using her friends at work to make my life difficult. I would complain to management and they would just accuse me of making a mountain from a mole hill. I sourced a transfer, really looking forward to it, and then the store manager pulled plug on it as I was only manager. Now I have support my record is too poor and NO one will take me.

The main issue with your suggestion is that everything at the store is quiet now and has been for months so if I try to raise A either within store or higher - ***edit*** will hit fan to say least. Think I should job hunt ASAP and if no luck transfer first opportunity in January when record clears.

She has no warning but my wife write a letter to GSM (store manager), he refused to act on it but has put it into her file incase of future issues with her.

Right emotions - Your right about me not seeing the immediate need to get away from the work situation - I have always tried to be transparent with it, we speak and text alot while im working, my phone is always available for her to look through, I update her on OW movements/rotas etc.... I can appreciate upon reflection that this hasnt been enough, and as stated previsouly i'll take care of this.

When I talk about 'unlocking' im not talking about childhood but I do not feel normal, and am certainly told im not normal for my feelings/reactions etc.. Im refering to my lack of apparent understanding/identifying/empathising......

I want to be with my wife and that I know and why im here. Its taken a lot of sieving through ***edit*** to find this site but im glad im finally here.

I hate the fact that I would be able to carry on like nothing has happened if my wife allowed this to drift away. She has to remind me and drag me away from everyday life to pull me back into the situation. Im just being honest here and I hope it'll help.

I have no issue with contact wife my wife its the convosations and not due to content I'll talk to her about anything and everything but she is such a deep person and im such an emotional retard. We start talking and shes just gets to deep for me and I just sit there dumbstruck with no answer which leads to understandable rage on her behalf - THIS IS PERMANENT REOCCURING ISSUE, but one I cannot get closer to her on. I've sort therapy/counciling and even tried hypnotherapy so believe me I've TRIED - for once.

I know you have come over from my wifes thread and I thank you for your support/advice to her I really appreciate it smile


All - Now i've almost finished this huge reply im off to discuss phone coaching with my princess.

With such a large reply im sure I've missed bits or mis read things but bear with me and ask anything you need to.

Thanks all and goodnight x
Post #2--look at all the smileys and Thnanks!


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Originally Posted by gg615
Have you read Brightlion's thread in the Recovery Forum. He also is a WS trying to recover M. There's some good advice and links in that thread you may find helpful.

Gg

I'll take a look thanks for direction
Post #3-- "Thanks!" smile


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Originally Posted by writer1
That being said, you've been at this job for a YEAR after the end of your A. For the past year, you have been putting your job before your BW and your family. You have hindered the R of your M.

Absolutely right and I dont intend to waste a second longer, im going to see what jobs are around right now.

Just printed off questionaires so thats another thing to look forward too smile
Post #4, smile and thanks!


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Rough night, after all the hope we had from finding MB, ordering book, questionaires, advice from users, we had a harsh convosation.

Altough MB gives us a fighting chance theres also the darkside of this site - users that have seen couples fail telling new users when they see similar traits in their situations.

MY BIGGEST ISSUE IS MY LACK OF EMOTIONS!!
Its driving us BOTH mad.

I will post more but right now im falling asleep on the pc as I havent slept yet. Sorry i'll be back as soon as I can.

Thanks again
Post #5, thanks again!! smile smile
smile


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I could literally go back to every post he's ever made and find a "thanks" or a smile
At what point does he ever SHOW that he's grateful by taking advice or by doing thins to better his marriage? NEVER.


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Looking into anger management, any good advice??


Yeah, get anger management. That help?

ETA: I just researched a bit on anger management in your neck of the woods. Were I serious about getting help, I would already have it, as it took milliseconds to find a useful site.

But you're not interested in getting help are you - you are interested in LOOKING like you are getting help.

I'm not your mommy or your wife to show you where to go to get help. Your little fingers made it all the way to MB, they can navigate the internet to find local sources of help for Anger problems.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 08/26/10 03:42 PM.

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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Originally Posted by GloveOil
You are both trying.
Neither of you has quit.
Therefore, there is hope.
That being said, now there is work for you to do.

No my W is trying on her own, Ive made progress in terms of im on MB of my own accord but I havent been trying since A went public a whole year ago. Im thoughly ashamed and Thats changes NOW!

Originally Posted by doingfine
Quote
with this you are expecting your W to beleive you, after the ultimate of lies. You can honestly say that this person, when you see her, does NOT provoke some kind of emotional response from you? whether it be a sadness, excitement etc....no matter what there is something, whether you speak 10 words or none.

Quote
The economy is tough, theres no doubt, and if you listen to the news, world news, you know its bad in the U.S. also, just saying that my H would NOT stay married to me and see the women he got naked with at the same time, period.
How many applications have you put in? What other "careers" have you thought about, friends that have companies that you have begged for a job, working two jobs to make up for one?

Quote
This is a quote that tells me your still in the W thinking, not everyone thinks like this, not everyone slips onto the internet and offers support to OW without their S knowing, this is not making the world a brighter place. Your support should go to your W, your sympathy, empathy, intimacy should STAY with your W, leave support, sympathy, empathy, intimacy for OW up to someone else, you obviously are not intended for this job. You are still making excuses for yourself. Your not getting "it" and because your not getting it, your more likely to be in this situation again.

Quote 1 - Ive spoken in depth with my W about this as understandly it doesnt make sense. The best way I can discribe it to you is that after the A went public we learned exactly what the OW was, and that shocked me as I had spent time with someone who seemed sweet etc.. and suddenly she is a serial homewrecker, manipulative b***h, shes tried to get me sacked, involved police whilst lying through her teeth and god knows how many more things I could list. After the rose tinted glasses were removed she quickly became an disgusting human not to mention I realised how ugly she is - both inside and out. I think what im trying to exlpain is that the reason I dont feel anything when I see her at work is becuase I dont see the person I had the A with. Its like two totally different people. The OW has gone and been replaced by a royal b***h who doesnt remind me of affair so I dont have any feelings towards her either.

Doesnt this make any sense?? Is it my brain protecting itself?? I dont find it an issue but my wife wants me to carry feelings with me as a constant reminder of what I did, and to act as a deterant to avoid future situations.

I understand my wife doesnt trust me after what ive done and that being transparent and reporting back can only help so much before I can get out of job. Can anyone offer any advice of things I could do for my wife in the mean time as I feel horrible now I realise the full extent of her pain everytime I go to work.

Please help me help her......

Quote 2 - Thoughly ashamed as I've not done any job hunting in last year. My wife even found a job through a friend at one stage a few months back, but I didnt even follow it up. I dont have any friends that can help at the moment but im job hunting ASAP - I understand urgency now.....

Quote 3 - Now I reflect on those times they were very wayward. My behaviour was selfish and my wife was again left to suffer alone. I have removed myself from all social networking sites and dont use chat rooms anymore. I did this as a childish act, instead of contolling myself it was easier to remove the temptation/situations from occuring in the first place. At this point im obviously going to leave it this way as my wife doesnt need any extra stressers but I've taken your comments onboard.

Originally Posted by doingfine
ok, not trying to be difficult here but, WHAT?? you have emotions, trust me, you just got done saying how sad the world would be without this, what is it exactly when your offering an ear, sympathy, empathy to these people that get attached to you? Your emotionless to your W because you want to be, because it hurts to bad to admitt what you've done to her, your poor W sees all this emotion that you give to everyone else but her.

This is difficult for me as I've felt emotionless/empty for years. Around 5 years ago our second child was born and we know pre-birth that he would need an operation on his heart. I was prepared and was strong for my wife and baby but he needed a second emergency procedure that was unexpected. My wife was the strong one then and I fell apart. Since that day I dont remember being emotional again?!?

6 months later he stopped breathing at home one night and I found him blue/eyes rolled back/not breathing and I had to use CPR plus his oxygen concentator to save him. My wife was stuck to the spot in shock but I was all business like and never showed emotion, not during/after etc......

This is the main reason I sought therapy, without being able to express my emotions to my wife how were we ever going to survive?? I could tell he im sorry, I hate myself etc.. but when its coming from someone straight faced its not believable?!

Any thoughts on this issue??

p.s. I can still get angry easily so I guess your right its all about locking up the painful emotions so protect myself hence why I can still lash out. Is this typical behavour?? I promise its not something im doing consciously...

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
That is not a darkside, yll. You need to know what to do to save your marriage and you need to know what will not work. What you are doing will not lead to recovery. Going to work with the OW every day is wrecking your marriage and posters would be remiss if they didn't tell you that.

Your marriage is not going to get better doing questionaires and ordering a book. It will only get better by you leaving your job. Until you leave the job, things will continue to desinigrate. Telling your wife about contact with the OW does not erase the damage that was caused by the contact.

I have covered the first job section before please dont think im being rude by leaving it out smile

However obvious it maybe to other users your second statement really hit a nerve with me. You said "telling my wife about contact doesnt erase damage caused by contact"
S**t your spot on, I thought that honesty would cure all when of course honesty is important especially to regain trust but the issue is the contact in the first place.

Thanks keep the pearls coming smile

Originally Posted by writer1
My feelings for my H were muted and difficult and inconsistent while I was still in contact with the OM. The A was over, but we remained in contact for another year and a half because of our OC. I thought I had no choice, that I had to stay in contact and try to keep OM involved in our OC's life. Our contact was all long-distance, since he lives 3000 miles away. We spoke on the phone twice and I would email him about doctor's appointments and such. Even this little bit of contact affected my feelings for my BH.

I can't imagine how working with the OM and having to see him everyday would have affected the way I felt. I can guarantee that your feelings will be much more stable when you establish complete NC. Things will be so much clearer then. It doesn't matter if you don't have any feelings for the OW. Seeing her day in and day out is still affecting the way you feel about your W and your ability to fully move on.

I think I've had a break through here, Ive stated above that I dont have any feelings towards OW upon seeing her at work. However I was thinking about any effect it had on my wife as I couldnt see the relevance if I wasnt feeling anything but then it hit me.

Everyday im at work, I have to report back to my wife whether OW was at work, any contact, her actions, attitude etc... This makes me feel like im reporting to a paroll officer and not my wife. While honesty is important and I would never take that away from my wife, the contact stops me from being able to go home, throw my arms around my wife and tell her I love her, as im to busy updating her and hoping she believes me, and then any further convosations obvious destroy postivie contact between us. The initial intimacy of me returning home to her is ruined by the OW still exisiting....

Right the blinkers are off and im finding another job if it kills me...

Ill just quicly mention again, if anyone has any advice on ways I could help my wife until such a time as I leave the store, it could be priceless....

Originally Posted by TogetherAlone
yllang, the first thing that rings out from your posts is not a lack of emotions, but a lack of willingness to make yourself in any way uncomfortable. You've been quite willing to make an effort when there's something pleasant in it for you, but when the path ahead involves discomfort, disruption and a bit of unpleasantness, you're ready with the well-honed excuses...emotionally-stunted, undemonstrative family of origin, etc., etc...

'Not understanding' the emotions of other people is an easy way to avoid having to consider them. If it really bothered you, you would have already tried to work on yourself, either alone or with professional help. Your wife's pain hasn't really bothered you, but now that her reaction is likely to disrupt YOUR life, you're able to feel some pain.

Which brings us to the second thing that rings out from your posts. Everything in your life is described in terms of the benefit it has to YOU, or the discomfort it has caused to YOU. Your family of origin, your wife, your 'naive' internet contacts, your OW, your employer - all are described only for what they did or are doing to affect YOUR life. You give the impression of believing that you are exempted from having to give anything to a relationship, and that you are entitled to have everyone around you strive to make you comfortable.

I would ask you to consider the possibility, not that you have some cosy psychological dysfunction to hide behind, but that you are simply immature, spoiled, and chronically selfish.

TA

Thanks for being brutal why cant therapists do this, its so much easier to understand than pussyfooting around the issue waiting for you to make revelations.

I think I've actually covered quite a lot of your post in my response here so please dont think im being rude by not answering you fully, it just so happened your last lol. Please read me comments above and repost as your post was actually the one that shook me awake.....

And yes your reference of my character was accurate. I had a chat with my wife last night, and she explained and gave examples of the tings ive done which puts me straight in the categories you've listed.

I want to help my wife into R as we are floating at the moment and I know it cant stay like this much longer before I lose her completely.

As I said please repost as this was VERY insightful

Originally Posted by McLovin
yllanoitomE,

I am one of the moderators here. On behalf of the Harleys, I must ask that you not use profanity in your posts. The use of profanity is against the TOS (Terms of Service) here. Thank you in advance for your cooperation. smile

McLovin,
MBDB Moderator

No problem sorry was getting carried away posting for first time. Ill get the * ready for any new posts wink

Originally Posted by SugarCane
yllang, I understand that you have in fact undertaken both marital and individual therapy. However, it does not seem to have had much effect on you.

Is it true that you undertook hypnotherapy, and at some point challenged the therapist to "break you"? (not necessarily to his face; in a conversation with your wife, perhaps). What did you mean by this?

Yes as posted just above I've attended various therapies but to no avail. I am serious about entering M R and so sort help.

The 'crack me' comment was an incredibly insensitive comment I made after a therapy session. I was feeling low as I wasnt making progress and I was worried my options were running low. I said that "im afraid she wont be able to crack me", it wasnt a good thing or a challenge, I wanted her to crack me but my wife understandably took offense to this comment and didnt want to continue therapy as she thought I had given up.

By 'crack me' I mean reach the cold hearted, emotionally stunted moron inside and return me to a remotely human state If however this is as good as im getting my wife rightfully wont accept this and M will be over.

Im really trying to open up in this re-post and hopefully people will resond positively to this as im sure people were getting fed up with my attitude. I hope the great advice continues and I can move forward to help my wife....

Originally Posted by tst
Hi Emotionally,

emocleW to MB!

I would love to give you some help...... regretfully, it all begins with NC.

Until you can achieve NC there is not much to offer you.

You are emotionally raping your wife every time she watches you leave for work knowing it's the same place OW works. Your wife will eventually call it quits and you'll nievely be shaking your head wondering how all that happened.

I will keep an eye on you and pray you find another job quicker than you find divorce papers being handed to you.

Thank you - I wondered if anyone got my name - it was supposed to represent me being emotionally backwards...... anyway

I understand the NC issue and im on it. I hope you are around when im ready as I understand from my wifes thread that your very insightful and full of knowledge and advice. I will definately look you out and I hope to speak soon as that means progress smile


All posters - Thanks for your patience, I stand be my apology above and hope this repost has offered more of an insight into the issues. There will be more to come and ill work on my communication and openness.

Thanks again
This whole post is legendary. What a total scam.


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yllanoitomE,

What do you think you're teaching your boys about how to treat a woman? Have you apologized to THEM for abusing their mother?


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Originally Posted by imanotherone
Did I miss it somewhere in your posts where you owned up to not using protection during your affair and ended up giving your wife an STD? I read that on her thread.
Tell ya, when I read the two side-by-side, it definitely sounds like you're using your emotional detachment as an excuse for a lot of poor choices.
And this was my first post to you, right after that long one above. And it was back in November. We're approaching A YEAR since this all started and you've made ZERO progress. You've learned the terminology and how to manipulate the system, but you've actually gone from being just an adulterer to being a straight up ABUSER.


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ok i cant keep up with all these posts, if my wife was at work this evening I would have spent it here posting but she isnt and im jo-jo ing up and down stairs tyring to spend time with her and respond to MB.

Yes I said I would look into Anger management over the weekend as I said im trying to spend time with wife tonight, tomorrow morning my wife and I are off to a wedding and not back till saturday afternoon. So yes I felt the weekend was a fair statement??

imanotherone - I say thanks for one reason:

People dont have to spend their time replying to me as it THEIR OWN PERSONAL time. It would be rude to EXPECT it or ASSUME its going to keep coming??

jesus now I feel rude for being polite lol what the hell is the world coming too lol

im sorry if you feel that its a ploy to get friends but hey guess what im not going to stop as its POLITE and to make matters even worse for you, im still going to thank you too as you still took time to post and go to HUGE lengths to prove your point smile



WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
Joined: Mar 2010
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Quote
jesus now I feel rude for being polite lol what the hell is the world coming too lol

No, it's rude to say 'thank you I'll look into that' and then not look into it, not make any changes, not make any progress and continually abuse your wife.

Ima's not upset about the thank yous - it's the thank you's coupled with the lack of sincerity or introspection.

Quote
im still going to thank you too as you still took time to post and go to HUGE lengths to prove your point

YOU just proved her point. And again a thank you - but where is the sincerity?

Good try trying to get off topic here and spin it so you look the victim. Ima is right on point here.



Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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Y-E:

Its EASY to keep up with the posts.

I have been on the phone and printing info this whole time that I have ben posting to you and BH28.

Yes, you gotta run downstairs...

There has been ALOT of time invested in you two today.

What, pray tell, is going to be the result?

LG

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