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OK. Two more questions:

MelodyLane (and anyone else):

I have not exposed the affair, largely. The vast majority of our mutual friends, my family, and all of her family have no knowledge. We have hosted guests at our home as if nothing was amiss.

I am very reluctant to do so. The affair is, so far as I am able to determine, over and there has been no communication for over a month. This question leads to ...

Those of you who have adopted the MB system and introduced it to a WS. How did you introduce it? We have talked about some of the basic principles but not bought the farm, so to speak, yet. I know she will object to some of the ideas as unrealistic. NC is a huge problem-they don't work in the same place but are in the same field; either one of us could run into TOM, his wife, or both unannounced.

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Exposure is key. You will go nowhere without it.

Look for a thread by Humbled. He was afraid to expose and didn't listen for a long time and then he finally got it.

You should, at a bare minimum, expose to OM's wife.

Exposure's goal is to kill the affair. Lack of contact for one month is not no contact.

The problem is that a WW in a marriage with no kids really has no incentive to stay. She can bail and leave you without having any incentive to return.

But you should expose no matter what. How would her family handle it? If your family is conservative, then I believe they will be supportive of you saving your marriage. They are also more likely to stick by you after exposure and won't be very forgiving of her.

You don't believe me, which is normal. Most BS's are afraid of exposure.

But it is a critical step if you wish to save your marriage.

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Help. Emergency.

On Sat WW, of her own free will, proposed a couple of date ideas for yesterday. She didn't call them that, but that is what it was.

I asked her which one she was most enthusiastic about. She said neither, but we agreed on something.

Without going into details, she sabotaged it an hour in advance. I had picked up "His Needs, Her Needs" the previous day. She read a chapter or two and went to the next room to cry. She said the book was BS and there was no hope. I did as well as I could on the date but she would barely talk to me. She says she doesn't want to try because she doesn't want me. I sold MB as much as I could but to no avail. She eventually got angry and threw some treasured possessions ( not at me) and started to walk out, before thinking again.

I had to go out of town this morning but will be back tomorrow. She has a long day at work. What to do?

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Hi there Celtic,
Okay so she isn't willing yet, she is still attached emotionally to the OM, I agree with the exposure of the affair as well......
I think there has to be some kind of accountability and if everyone else is watching it won't be any fun for her to continue the affair......
She will be mad but you will not survive with her head still with the OM.....
Exposure is just a shot of the reality of the situation and the fantasy part is pushed out the door......if the OM is married, his wife has the right to know........
You be the one that is there for her and tell her you love her and you are only trying to save your marriage.......
She will be going through a withdrawal stage and seem depressed with her life....it's only fog thinking......after a while she will see that the relationship with OM isn't real, it's just what it is........
Be a great guy, be calm and understanding even though you are hurt.....don't expect anything at all from her........
Do little things for her that she will notice, even small things......little jestures, little touches are the way to start having her notice that you are the better option......
good luck, you are getting lots of great advice, listen and learn


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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I am being great. It almost contributes because I cannot get addled and make her breakfast every morning and rub her feet at night. She says I am desperate but that is all about me that has changed. Not true, of course.

I wish I could contact OMW. I do not have anything but a name.

Honestly sure its over, but she wants someone just like the OM. She told me. Almost worse than the fantasy of the A, a fantasy that is not real at all. She also says she thinks marriage is a trap and doesn't believe in it.

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Quote:
She also says she thinks marriage is a trap and doesn't believe in it.


Ignore it, it's wayward fogbabble. They all say something to this effect.

Many posters can advise you on how to find information on the OMW's with just her name. They'll probably be on later in the day.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Celtic,

Have you addressed the issue of exposure? Everyone here is telling you to do so but you ignore the advice. Expose the affair. Find OMW and expose to her. Tell your family.

Exposure is key to killing the affair.

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I am making preparations to expose. There is no middle ground. I am worried about the emotional toll on my parents (who believe me to be totally happy for the first time in years) and my wife's octogenarian grandmothers, who live with her parents. Once one family finds out the other surely will.

I am at present completely financially dependent on my WW. I have to get my ducks in a row.

Randall

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A lot of people say I am groveling and that is making me less attractive.

I HAVE CONTACT INFO for the the OMW. email, phone, or office visit? Which is best?

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I recommend a telephone call. An email can be ignored. An office visit might be a bit too shocking and come off as an ambush. Give her a call and shoot her an email. Call her first, though.

Being dependent on your WW is a big deal but it isnt. If she throws you out then you can file for alimony. She cant simply walk away.

Celtic, Ive said this before and Ill say it again:

Youre young. Theres tons of wonderful women in the world. There is no need to settle for a cheater when you have no kids. Can you imagine having children with this woman and then having her pull this when you have little ones in diapers?

If shes flaky now, when things in a marriage are easy, what makes you think shell hold up when you throw in a child that requires care, attention, diaper changes, and sucks up your time?

I welcome the responsibility and joy children bring. You strike me as someone who would as well. How would she handle it?

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In support of exposure: I didn't know about the MB principles when I discovered my wife's A 9 years ago. I didn't expose, we went through worthless counseling, and I thought things were ok. In any event I thought I could at least make it until my kids were adults. Well, the OM found my wife on facebook earlier this year and they had an online/texting thing going during April before his wife discovered it. This time I made sure, after lots of effort, phone calls, etc that the exposure was done. I wish I had known/had done this 9 years ago as I probably wouldn't be hurting like I am now.

I do have to agree with helpthelostdads, if I didn't have 2 kids I would be out of here going through a personal recovery and getting myself ready to find someone better. The decision is yours to make but I can't imagine staying with my wife if we didn't have innocent children permanently joining us together.

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OMW contacted. No known communication between OM and WW.

OK, now going to the second step. I call it the Intervention because the WW is now fantasizing as much about a fictional human being as she is the A, or at least I think that is what is going on. WW parents are next on the list. (My family is more problematic. My sister is very supportive but advised me not to inform my parents, as they will want to get lawyers involved immediately.)

My goal is to get her into some kind of psych or pastoral (preferably both) therapy, as well as talking to some more grounded people. Since the A is by all accts broken, I guess cleaning up the last remnants of the A and getting rid of them should also be a goal.

With the familial pressure and A broken, I guess the fog will start to lift? Unfortunately, WW is committed to the idea she cannot "self-actualize" with me around. There's some therapy I wish we didn't have... Any ideas on that one?

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The Bible tells a man to love his wife...

Read the list at MB here that identifies your and your wife emotional needs!

This last part is to be used by you for the rest of your life, whether you get back with her or not.

Last edited by imagine; 11/02/10 12:29 PM.

But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Quote:
OMW contacted.


What was her response? What was the conversation?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Dont expect the fog to lift anytime soon.

I think its your call on exposing to your parents. Its a matter of support for you. I wish I had done so much sooner than I did. I could have used the support and level headed advice. Her parents and family is a given. OMW is huge.

How did that go? Did you talk to her personally?

Its been years and my WXW has yet to have it lift. She may never have it lift.

The idea that she has to self actualize without you is common. Nothing new or special there. The point is to not give in.

Expect her to explode once she finds out about exposure. Shell tell you that you ruined any chance you had to fix things.

Greet that response with indifference. Look at her as if she just told you the mail was delivered and ask her how her day was.

Dont engage the irrational rationalizations.

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celtic,
exposure to everyone that is involved in your life is who you tell.....I found it almost a relief to tell everyone else, I no longer had to pretend my life was peachy keen....
I was hurting and it seem to eliviate some of the pain.......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Maritalbliss:

"I know. We're in therapy. I am keeping track of his Blackberry and he hasn't talked to her."

I didn't expect it to be warm and effusive. ;-)

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Helpthelost:

The break point came Sunday night when she said she did not want to fix it because she didn't want me, but some hypothetical creation of her mind. The point of silence to now was that if we fixed it without pain to the families, that was better.

So I am not worried too much about whatever she says now.

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Originally Posted By: Celtic
Maritalbliss:

"I know. We're in therapy. I am keeping track of his Blackberry and he hasn't talked to her."

I didn't expect it to be warm and effusive. ;-)


Did you give her your contact info and let her know that you are on the side of keeping your M together as well? And that the two of you can be allies in assuring NC?

Keeping track of his Blackberry doesn't mean squat. It means he'll have to go buy a pay-as-you-go phone. I hope she knows that.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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WW parents know everything. One coming for surprise visit soon. WW does not know. What can I expect?

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