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Hi Wes,

I am just estimating, but I believe it must be late Christmas morning there in Australia - you are about half way around the world from Chicago USA, so, Mery Christmas to you too, and I hope that you can enjoy it to the best of your ability and with your kids. Taking a break now before making Christmas eve dinner - shrimp scampi with roasted asparagus. Then some movies for later. My wife is confined to a nursing home, so I want to make this a very enjoyable visit time for her and our son.

Just take your time right now to recharge and relax. The battle for your W can be renewed in a few days.

Best wishes,

Tom

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WesH,

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

You said something that is completely wrong. You said
Quote:
The reason she left was she believed I was controlling (far from the truth)so for me to stipulate conditions to return to the marriage simply reinforce this to her and pushes her further away.
This is just plain wrong and a lie.

Your W did not have the affair because you were/are controlling. It is her excuse and used by many WW to keep the BS off of their back and to assuage their conscience. She is having the affair because she WANTS TO. It is that simple. You are entitled and expected to state and enforce conditions on her behavior while you are in plan A. If you don't, then you have nothing to work on.

What you are controlling by your conditions are things in your life, NOT IN HER's. If she wants access to you, she meets your conditions. If she wants help from you, she meets your conditions. You can enforce your boundaries without LB'ing her. That does not mean she won't be mad that she did not get her way. She will be. Being mad does not mean you actually love busted her. This is especially true when you are enforcing your boundaries.

Do you know what your boundaries are? Have you developed a strategy and plan for enforcing them? If not, start to do so.

Plan A is doing many things for an undeserving spouse but it is not allowing the to run over your boundaries. Make plnas WesH.

God Bless,

JL

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Merry Xmas to everybody.

Thank you so much to all the guys who have posted here over the past few weeks. I really can't thank you enough.

This morning I get a text from WW, it basically says "She will be coming over with OM in car to drop boys off and won't be coming in to open any Xmas presents with boys.

I am disappointed but have let this go today. Today is about my 2 boys. I have asked them what they want to do today and they said "fishing" So that's what we will do this Christmas. No pre-arranged dinners where adults just drink alcohol. Today is all about them and making them have the best day they can.

After hearing from the WW this morning I get a text from the OM.
It says "Too bad if your hurt mate". I don't respond but It is such a eye opener to see there is really some scum out there.

She has chosen him, but seeing the way he behaviors shows him for what he is.


H : 36
WW : 35
Kids 3.5 / 6.5
Together 16 years
Married 6 years

D Day 2nd August 2010
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Forward his text to her.

You're showing a lot more restraint than me.

If this begins to get too much for you - then Plan B might be better.

Merry Christmas to you and your boys!


Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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Being passive has not helped your case at all. Tell WW unaceptable for her to bring OM around you.

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Definitely agree with Road! Tell your WW that it's not ok to bring the OM around and definitely not ok for OM to text or communicate with you.

Last edited by Powerbane; 12/25/10 09:22 AM.

Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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Guys, I have been angry this whole Christmas and boundaries need to now be set. I show restraint.. yes .... but another part of me wishes to act a hell of a lot different.

I am sticking to Plan A, I have been pushed down and got up again, i am resilient but new hard boundaries will be set and she will be aware that this behavior is not acceptable. I need to remember his texts to me are a constant reminder of how volatile the affair is, he see me as a threat, and i aint giving in that easy.

Looking forward to talking to you on page 100 of this thread. smile


H : 36
WW : 35
Kids 3.5 / 6.5
Together 16 years
Married 6 years

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Originally Posted By: WesH
Guys, I have been angry this whole Christmas and boundaries need to now be set. I show restraint.. yes .... but another part of me wishes to act a hell of a lot different.

I am sticking to Plan A, I have been pushed down and got up again, i am resilient but new hard boundaries will be set and she will be aware that this behavior is not acceptable. I need to remember his texts to me are a constant reminder of how volatile the affair is, he see me as a threat, and i aint giving in that easy.

Looking forward to talking to you on page 100 of this thread. smile



If you wait for one hundred pages before you take decisive action were going to be reading how the WW is pregnant by the OM for the second time.

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Hi Guys, I see my life as a yo-yo at the moment and need to make a decisive decision. Here are real basic stats. With these as the facts are we at Plan A or Plan B. Should I be at confused??

History) Together 15 years, Married 6 years, 2 boys (3.5, 6.5), normal house, mortgage, friends, stresses, bills, good times and bad

1) Affair with OM from past it was emotional then psychical. No past cheating in 15 years. She supposedly always had a connection so I hear. (blahh)

2) Shows no signs of remorse.

3) I moved out for 3 months, she continued A

4) I moved back home, she moved out, takes furniture, clothes etc he stays a day a week at her new rental. Continues A

5) OM is complete scum, does not have any morals, has abused me (even on Xmas day). Wife doesn't defend me at all.

6) Few cracks have appeared, but always been "you misinterpreted what i said" etc etc to keep romance going.

7) She is stubborn, financially independent, but doesn't have close family but OM does and it is appealing to her.

8) Left today for 6 day break without kids with OM. (I just couldn't let the boys go even though it might spoil the romance)

9) When I'm non confrontational things settle down, we talk, its nice but I read too much into it, I think she see's it as friends which i certainly don't want to be.

10) In anger has said even if it ends with him she wont come back.

11) I have given time frame of 2011, to see what can be done about this mess.

Please guys suggestions?

Last edited by WesH; 12/27/10 04:03 AM.

H : 36
WW : 35
Kids 3.5 / 6.5
Together 16 years
Married 6 years

D Day 2nd August 2010
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Time for Plan B. You have secured your rights as a father. Preserve what little feelings for your WW are there and cutoff all contact. Give her a Plan B letter and go dark.

Preserve your time with your kids and perhaps find a way to exchange them that doesn't involve interacting with your WW. Use a daycare as an exchange point.

It's not what you want to hear, but it's the next step for you to either prepare for a D or to hopefully expedite the end of the affair.

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Wes H, you can take my advise for all it is worth. Plan a romantic trip for your wife. Pamper her. Prove to her that you are her husband and only you are worthy of her affection. Prove to her why you are her husband and not the OM. Don't prepare for a D. Divorce is never ever good!

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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Wes H, you can take my advise for all it is worth. Plan a romantic trip for your wife. Pamper her. Prove to her that you are her husband and only you are worthy of her affection. Prove to her why you are her husband and not the OM. Don't prepare for a D. Divorce is never ever good!
sadbear, read his whole thread. Your advice might be applicable for a couple who are starting to drift apart, but Wes' WW has moved out to have more time with her OM, and won't even be in the same room with Wes long enough to watch her kids open Christmas gifts.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Wes H, you can take my advise for all it is worth. Plan a romantic trip for your wife. Pamper her. Prove to her that you are her husband and only you are worthy of her affection. Prove to her why you are her husband and not the OM. Don't prepare for a D. Divorce is never ever good!


Divorce is very much a good solution when there is ongoing adultery. Many people choose not to stay married to cheaters and that is their prerogative. In other words, sometimes divorce is the definition of success.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody Lane, I disagree with calling divorce a success. I now believe that divorce is only acceptable if the spouse is beating you or threatening your life. I believe people should stay married and ask for forgiveness. If my current husband cheated on me, I would go to counseling with him and stick around as long as it takes. Divorce is such a horrible thing to go through. It really destroys a person and his or her family.

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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Melody Lane, I disagree with calling divorce a success. I now believe that divorce is only acceptable if the spouse is beating you or threatening your life. I believe people should stay married and ask for forgiveness. If my current husband cheated on me, I would go to counseling with him and stick around as long as it takes. Divorce is such a horrible thing to go through. It really destroys a person and his or her family.


uum no, adultery destroys people and families. It is MORE abusive than physical assault or the death of a child and when a spouse will not quit this abuse, the best solution is often divorce. Yes, divorce is horrible, but adultery is much worse. So, yes, divorce is very often the definition of success.

Many people choose not to stay married to a cheater and that is their prerogative. Adulterers are not entitled to a second chance. They are only get a second chance if the betrayed spouse decides to stay in the marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Melody Lane, I disagree with calling divorce a success. I believe people should stay married and ask for forgiveness. If my current husband cheated on me, I would go to counseling with him and stick around as long as it takes. Divorce is such a horrible thing to go through. It really destroys a person and his or her family.


Actually, Dr. Harley has said infidelity is the one thing he wouldn't tolerate and would go straight to divorce. I have to agree with him on this. There's absolutely no way I'd take my wife back if she was out slinging leg. And from this my children would learn that cheating is not to be tolerated in a marriage. What others do is up to them if infidelity happens but to me, this is the one unforgivable action in a marriage.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Sadbear, how many mistresses would you forgive your husband for having? And how many times before the children start getting rewired for what a marriage means and what should be or not be tolerated in a marriage. Affairs are not some "Ooops, I spent too much money this week" or "Sorry, I didn't wash the dishes" kind of mistake.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Melody Lane, I disagree with calling divorce a success. I now believe that divorce is only acceptable if the spouse is beating you or threatening your life. I believe people should stay married and ask for forgiveness.


I am sure you believe it wouldn't be a "success" since you are the cheater who was divorced by her betrayed husband. But I betcha HE considers it a success to be rid of you, though. He has moved on and is happily married, after all.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, kilted thrower, I agree. Affairs are absolutely devastating and WRONG WRONG WRONG, but divorce is just so so terrible, especially the aftermath. I know all about the pain. Thank goodness, I did not have kids with my ex husband. I think divorce destroys children too. Most people I know who have divorced parents have a lot of resentment and anger towards both parents for making the decision to divorce. I would just keep trying to satisfy your spouse. Do what it takes. Change your look, lose weight, take on an interest they have, go on vacation. Keep trying and they just may fall in love with you again. Don't let the other person take what is yours!

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Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
[What others do is up to them if infidelity happens but to me, this is the one unforgivable action in a marriage.


And that is 100% your right and your prerogative. NO ONE else, especially the cheater has the right to determine what spells success for the victim. NO ONE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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