Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945
I cringe when I hear about EA and Gyms. My FWH had EA with OW at gym. Read Harley's why we can't forgive and forget. It will help you think about following a plan to recover your M.

Why We Can't Forgive & Forget letters to Harley

And just becasue your M had stresses doesn't justify or excuse your WH's behavior. You didn't choose to go outside your M.

Right now you're angry and are fearful because the foundation that held your M has been shattered. Sorry you are here but you've come to the rght place.

Gg



D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 134
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 134
Lily, It saddens me that you are here, but I hope we all can help you. You've received mostly good advice so far and I hope you intend to follow it to the letter. You are very young in your marriage and the stresses of baby and pregnancy have just illuminated the poor boundaries your WH has. But this can be an opportunity to have the marriage you always dreamed of. Your WH has some heavy work to do to understand why this happened and how to prevent it. But this is your thread. So if I may summarize what you need to do:

1. Expose to OWH now. He deserves to know.
2. Establish no contact to YOUR satisfaction.
3. Schedule the Polygraph. It's for your peace of mind, and with the jumble of emotions and fears you are experiencing, you cannot rely on your gut right now. If your WH wants true recovery, he'll do anything you suggest.

Just so you know, my DH, GloveOil, jumped right on the recovery train as soon as he got found out by the OWH. He exposed to me, because he knew the OWH would tell me if he didn't. But even with his good intentions and desire to heal our marriage, he still tried to lie, trickle truth, and reinterpret the events of the A to suit him. Only by following the MB plan did we get to the truth and start recovering as a couple. A good MB counselor did that for us.

I would suggest you think about moving. If OW lives close by your DH's place of work, then maybe he should find a new place of work.

Don't feel badly about obsessively checking email, cell phone records, etc. I made GO show me credit card bills and email (he had deleted almost everything); I checked cellphone records diligently for months before I felt sure that nothing was going on. In that initial period it showed me when the A had begun and when it stopped. It also gave me ammunition for confrontations when I thought communication had stopped and it hadn't. Do what you have to do to feel safe.



ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by GloveOil
First off, I think there are people who make too much of a distinction between the two. PAs almost always start off as EAs.

Maybe I am taking this statement the wrong way...IDK...

EA vs PA doesn't matter in terms of following the MB plan for recovery, etc, yes, I agree with that.

But the reason that folks here push people to get a poly when only an EA is being admitted to (and there are red flags of a PA) is that if the WS isn't telling the truth they are going to remain stuck as a wayward, trickle truth hurts the chances for recoverying the M, additional ddays are very painful for the BS, STD testing has to be considered etc.

I have heard someone here recommend all BSs with a WS admitting to only an EA demand a poly ~ I tend to agree with that as I have seen SO MANY cases here where the BS later finds out it was really a PA...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 235
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 235
I know personal trainers who insist on meeting the spouses of the women he is training. I think that's a super idea. Or you could also make a rule that he is to never be allowed to train women; only men.

Last edited by Wisertoday; 01/06/11 04:21 PM.

Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by GloveOil
First off, I think there are people who make too much of a distinction between the two. PAs almost always start off as EAs.

Maybe I am taking this statement the wrong way...IDK...

EA vs PA doesn't matter in terms of following the MB plan for recovery, etc, yes, I agree with that.

But the reason that folks here push people to get a poly when only an EA is being admitted to (and there are red flags of a PA) is that if the WS isn't telling the truth they are going to remain stuck as a wayward, trickle truth hurts the chances for recoverying the M, additional days are very painful for the BS, STD testing has to be considered etc.

I have heard someone here recommend all BSs with a WS admitting to only an EA demand a poly ~ I tend to agree with that as I have seen SO MANY cases here where the BS later finds out it was really a PA...
Happy to clarify, SusieQ: Only meant to convey that lots of WSs will push, and some BSs will buy, the line or notion that EAs aren't as serious as PAs. I believe that except for the STD angle, an EA is every bit as dangerous to a spousal relationship as a PA.

My point for Lilly in this regard was & is that even IF this turns out to be "only" an EA (a determination which indeed she may not be able to make without WH getting a poly), he still has beaucoups work to do to fix his boundaries, and she shouldn't let him get away with minimizing the problem.

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
he admitted today they slept together. got a hotel on several occasions, etc.

i am devastated. where do i go from here? what do i do?

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
stay to one thread so we can follow your story.

Has he cutoff all contact? Have you exposed the affair?

Don't answer here. Go to your old thread and answer there. Stay in one place so new people can read your whole story.

Sorry you're going through this.

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
yes, it has been exposed. yes, as far as i know, contact has been cut off for the last month.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 574
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 574
I am so sorry, Lily!! I am 2.5 years out from d-day and it seems to rarely happen all at once -- you get a little and then you get a little more. I think its part of how WS's work, thinking they are 'taking care' of their spouses, by only sharing what they think we can handle.
Please keep posting; count on your support system and even if you have counted on your WH as your 'rock' up to this point -- he is not a stable influence for anyone right now. Lean on other people so you can be calm and clear-headed as you decide your plan.
And, please, post here as much as you need!! There are such wonderful people here, who know what you are going through.
Some vets will also coach you via email, if you feel you need extra help -- let us what you need.
(((((((Lily))))))


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
lily, I read on the other thread that WH admitted the PA to you today.

I'm so, so sorry.

This is extremely hurtful, and your entire world is shattered right now.

But your M can survive this infidelity. Many of us here are living proof.

Have you gotten STD testing recently? Most pregnant women do.



FBW in recovery
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
i haven't been tested since the beginning of my pregnancy. i guess i probably should though...

i havent gotten a lot of answers, it was a quick 20 minute convo and he had to go to work. he should be home soon and i should get a lot more answers. i just cannot even think straight. i never in a million years thought he would do this. i have no idea how we are going to recover from this or how i will ever trust again.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by lily2009
i never in a million years thought he would do this.

I know. I felt the same way. My H was better than that ... or so I thought. It's really incomprehensible.

Have you contacted OWH yet? You should call him tomorrow, tell him you're 8 months pregnant and tell him what you know.



FBW in recovery
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
You asked earlier in this thread about contacting OW.

Don't do it! She's not worth a second of your time.

You think you'll get something out of it, but you really won't in the end. You'll just be more infuriated afterward.

Don't do it!


FBW in recovery
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 64
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 64
I wish I had taken the advice here too. Contacting the OM was pointless, frustrating and of no value. I felt worse afterwards and more frustrated. I now live in the twilight zone.

I am going to get my life in order and move on....that is what I choose to focus on. Me.

RC


BH - age 50
WW - age 48

Married 1998
D-day 4/1/09 (I knew before but acknowledgment on that day)
D-day 12/29/10

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by lily2009
i haven't been tested since the beginning of my pregnancy. i guess i probably should though...

i havent gotten a lot of answers, it was a quick 20 minute convo and he had to go to work. he should be home soon and i should get a lot more answers. i just cannot even think straight. i never in a million years thought he would do this. i have no idea how we are going to recover from this or how i will ever trust again.
Oh, Lilly, I'm so sorry. No one is glad they were right about this, believe me.

Brace yourself, sweetie. He's probably not done spilling the whole story yet. I'm sure there is a lot more he hasn't told you.

For your own sanity, ask him in a calm voice to tell you everything from start to finish. Listen to as much as you want. Stop him when it's too much.

You CAN recover from this. I know you can't comprehend that right now, but you can recover.

hug Lily


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,462
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,462
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by lily2009
That is exactly what my husband says...it was headed in that direction. I asked him, if I hadn't of caught him, would he have slept with her. And he couldn't tell me no. He just looked at me and said "I don't know. I would hope not, but we were headed that way."

My gut feeling is that I caught it in the knick of time...although I could also be being a complete idiot, too. I just don't know.

He said he surely thought about it and was curious about it, but he said he was never ready to act on it yet. He said he felt like he wasn't doing something "as bad" if it wasn't physical.

He said me catching him was the wake up call he needed and he is grateful I caught it when I did. He said he was in such a "fantasy world" and he now sees the light. He said he is willing to do anything and everything to recover from this.
He said all that and none of it was true, as you now know.

How do they manage to lie so convincingly? Yes, we on this board knew that he was lying, but you, who have lived intimately with him for years, could not tell.

I had this experience with my H. Sometimes I already had the secret evidence when I asked him questions, and I would watch him carefully while he lied to me. There was nothing - no blushing, stammering, avoiding my eyes or anything that I could detect, to give him away. He told me things like this with heartfelt sincerity, usually holding me and looking deeply into my eyes.

How did you get him to confess? Did you schedule a polygraph?

I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now, lily.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Lily, glad you got the truth, but sorry for the pain. PLEASE get ahold of the OWH and let him know. He has a right to know the truth.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448

I am so sorry, lily. ((lily))

This is the next thing. And I am so sorry to deliver any more blows but with newly BSs, we worry soooo much about is whether there is any more contact. Unfortunately, waywards always think they CAN have a little contact and that it is OK...when that couldn't be further from the truth...

How can you safeguard against further contact? First, let the OWH know yourself (please don't fall for the "oh OWH told him herself already" line!). This is a loophole that CANNOT be skipped over. Please let us know whether this has been done yet.

Secondly, is your H willing to write a NC letter in accordance with SAA? We can provide you with a copy of this. No NC text or phone call. A letter that is mailed by you.

Third, if it were me, I would quietly place a GPS in your H's car. My sister did this with her H and it was not too expensive and she was able to track him via computer. Think of this, it is win-win. Even if you don't find evidence of any more contact, it will make you feel better to be able to confirm where he is. This helps a lot when trust has been destroyed.

Hang in there, lily...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Lily,

I'm so sorry to hear you have learned the truth, but it's okay you will survive, you don't think so right now but with a little time things will get better......
Don't fall apart there is time for that later, right now, you have to get a plan together.
You need to take care of yourself first and then everything else.
First of all if you want to save the marriage,
NO CONTACT has to happen or you can't work on anything.
You make sure the affair is exposed to everyone including the OW's husband and family.............
Then your husband should give you complete transparency with all his communication and whereabouts..........
You can save your marriage if both of you are willing to work things out, it takes time to rebuild trust and it will take time to believe in your marriage and your husband again............
Right now just breathe and put one foot in front of the other .......take it hour by hour if you have to.........
Lean on your family and friends right now...............you need them and it will make things easier for you..............
Don't worry about your husband, he has to deal with himself right now.......
You have to be the most important thing right now and your children, draw strength from them...........
None of us understand how the people we love can do this kind of act......
But know you will survive, I was in your place a year ago and I am much better now..................God is with you every step of your journey. Pray .........









BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Lily, glad you got the truth, but sorry for the pain. PLEASE get ahold of the OWH and let him know. He has a right to know the truth.
Please do this, Lily. This will be your first step in taking the power back in your M.

Don't get overly emotional if you can help it. (I know, easy for me to say. frown )

Give him the facts: "Hello, is this OWH? This is WHW. I wanted to call you because you need to know that my WH has confessed to me that he had a physical affair with your WW (insert time period here.)

My WH is very upset over his actions and realizes now how wrong he was for his behavior with your wife. We are working to rebuild our M.

I think it's important for us to stay in touch so that we can make sure there is no further contact between the two of them. May I give you my number? I'd also like the two of us to be able to compare their stories to make sure we both have all the facts."

I would make this call with your WH sitting there. I also think your WH needs to apologize to BH.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 27 guests, and 40 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5