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Sandra2 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Sandra, do you know where the OW lives?

No I don't though I know she's in our town. I don't know her BH's name either. I really think it would be better if people deleted my replies to that question if they could! I've known about this for less than three days. I've got stuff I'm not saying here going on too because he knows of the site. So I shouldn't have posted what I did. I need to keep my thoughts on this private I think. It's a balance now between seeking advice and being confidential.

Last edited by Sandra2; 02/23/11 08:48 PM.

Wife/BS (37) to H (37)
2 children, both 7 years old
Married 15 years
Affair of 3ish months, Disc. 2/20
NC letter to OW 2/22
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Sandra2 Offline OP
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I think the only part of my replies left right now are your original response (page six on my computer) Melody. Thank you all for deleting.

Keylogger...possible but I don't really think so. I know he knows what I'm doing. He's a lot more technologically proficient than I for sure. I may, though, just be not aware of logs computers normally keep--I'm really not computer adept at all. Further, I have no access to our financial records or anything. I've been way too trusting and let him have a lot of freedom. I was foolish. I know that now.

Actually, I'll just ask him how he knew where I went/found this site. I think he'll tell me honestly right now. His intention at this point really is to make this marriage work.


Last edited by Sandra2; 02/23/11 08:53 PM.

Wife/BS (37) to H (37)
2 children, both 7 years old
Married 15 years
Affair of 3ish months, Disc. 2/20
NC letter to OW 2/22
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Sandra2 Offline OP
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I asked him. He said I erased the internet history but didn't delete the library. I have no idea what the library is but I don't think he has a keylogger, no. I think he just realized I knew because he saw his email had been accessed around midnight and then he went to the "library" and looked where I had visited.

He stayed home from work (he goes in early) and waited for me to get up to tell me he knew I knew. I had been sick that night (to my stomach) so he was also staying home because he knew I was so sick. When he got on he figured out why.

While waiting he looked where I looked. He also read a lot of the articles on infidelity and asked me if I had read them when I was on the site...that's how I knew he knew of the site. I don't know that he's reading here. I just know he could. For some reason I think he did read my initial posts but I can't (in my sleep deprived state) remember exactly why I got that impression.


Last edited by Sandra2; 02/23/11 09:02 PM.

Wife/BS (37) to H (37)
2 children, both 7 years old
Married 15 years
Affair of 3ish months, Disc. 2/20
NC letter to OW 2/22
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Sandra2 Offline OP
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He told me (when I asked) that he checked "the phone" today hoping he had a message from her saying she got his letter or something. He did voluntarily leave the phone here. He just checked before work for messages I guess. He didn't think she would respond but said he hoped she would (he's being honest I guess) not to start anything but to know she got it. Is that normal--that he's having trouble like that already?


Wife/BS (37) to H (37)
2 children, both 7 years old
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Affair of 3ish months, Disc. 2/20
NC letter to OW 2/22
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Please make sure you have 24/7 custody of the phone, forever.

Please to go to your doctor and get checked for STDs. I know it sounds awful I only went because people on this forum MADE ME DO IT! They were right. I sobbed through the entire exam. The doctor made me take an Rx for anti-depressants. I had never taken them before and I am 47, have a doctorate and am a regional director in a healthcare company. I was not immune. It saved me. Please go. The letter telling me I was clean was a godsend. I kept it in my nightstand drawer for almost a year.

Please stop worrying about his "normal" and worry about yours!

Hugs!!


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Sandra2 Offline OP
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I'm ok re: STD check.

I do have custody of the phone. I wonder if I should get rid of it or keep it so I know if she does try to call?

It bothers me he was hoping she might call. I guess I shouldn't be surprised--he loves her--he's feeling depressed--this is 3 days in. But I guess I expected him to do better at least at the start and I would have hoped he would have told me upfront without my asking.



Wife/BS (37) to H (37)
2 children, both 7 years old
Married 15 years
Affair of 3ish months, Disc. 2/20
NC letter to OW 2/22
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I have another question. I'm in withdrawal--I'm crushed, angry, hurt, etc. Those seem mild words compared to what I feel inside but I know you all know.

Am I supposed to be trying to avoid talking about unpleasant stuff (ie my hurt/what he's doing to avoid falling back/etc.) and trying to make it all pleasant and meet his needs right now--3 days post discovery. I tried to be affectionate tonight. I found out about the phone check. I don't think it left with a positive balance. I don't know what (if anything) I'm supposed to do right now to help him personally.

Last edited by Sandra2; 02/24/11 12:28 AM.

Wife/BS (37) to H (37)
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NC letter to OW 2/22
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Hey Sandra2 (and I might as well say hello, too, to Sandra2's husband),

It may just be me, but something doesn't smell right here. To clear the history...

On Firefox/Mozilla, go to Tools--Clear Recent History--check all the boxes and click ok.

On Internet Explorer, go to Tools--Internet Options--hit delete on the Browsing History section--check all the boxes except the top one (preserve favorites website data) and then ok.

It sounds like he read (and is probably reading) what was said about exposing the affair and is trying to say all the right things so that you'll back off. I hope I'm wrong, but this just sounds way too easy.

I know it's been said before, but this OW's husband must be brought into the loop here. Without this, you're really risking your marriage.

You doing this is, of course, your WH and OW's worst nightmare and I suspect they're counting on you not doing that so that their "lurve" can continue to grow under the radar.

Oh, and you hinted that he worked for some government agency. They should know about his affair and how that really doesn't work very well under audit conditions. His professional behavior is completely unethical.



Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Here's the carrot/stick thread, you should read over it.

I'm sorry that you're here, Sandra2. Please heed the advice of all the others that have posted. Please tell OW's H about his wife. Wouldn't you want to know if you were him and be hurt if someone knew about your husband and didn't tell you?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1


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Originally Posted by Sandra2
I'm ok re: STD check.

I do have custody of the phone. I wonder if I should get rid of it or keep it so I know if she does try to call?

It bothers me he was hoping she might call. I guess I shouldn't be surprised--he loves her--he's feeling depressed--this is 3 days in. But I guess I expected him to do better at least at the start and I would have hoped he would have told me upfront without my asking.

Hang on to the phone, but I'd change the numbers.

If he's actually agreeing to NC, then his behavior sounds like normal withdrawal. Odds are high that one of them will try to break NC so you've got to be vigilant.

I'm sorry, Sandra2, for the following, but reading what you've said he's doing (calling you, emailing where he is, etc.) just sounds EXACTLY like the kind of stuff I'd do if I was cheating on my wife and trying to make it look like I wasn't.

Where's the best place to hide something? In plain sight.


I really hope I'm wrong and probably wouldn't have even said that had you not mentioned that he had read your posts here. But, you're the best judge as to his sincerity, so please feel free to tell me I'm wrong smile


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To find OWH's name, do a search for her here:

www.intelius.com

and it'll bring up a list of "possible" relatives.


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Sandra2 Offline OP
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Clearly I've been completely duped for over three months now so I know nothing.

I appreciate your honesty because I'm stuck in the middle of this. I'm not looking from outside experienced eyes. I really think he's committed to NC. Honestly, my husband is a pretty miserably bad outright liar but decent at remaining deceptive if that makes sense. It's just a matter of asking the right questions. I need him to be forthright of course for this to work. But the truth is I never suspected an affair so I didn't ask the right questions about suspicious stuff. I stupidly trusted him. I should say in the past he's been a bad outright liar. I'm having trouble figuring out if this situation (ie his disconnect from me or practice or what) has made him better at it. I think time will tell. But I don't think he's outright lying at this time about any of it--no. He's answered all questions and I believe he's doing it honestly.

I could be wrong of course. I've known him for 17 years, married 15 so I do feel I have a handle on him at least him prior to the last three months.

Last edited by Sandra2; 02/24/11 01:16 AM.

Wife/BS (37) to H (37)
2 children, both 7 years old
Married 15 years
Affair of 3ish months, Disc. 2/20
NC letter to OW 2/22
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Is this board mostly for BS's or would he find some help here too to keep his NC agreement? He already knows of the site. He keeps printing out articles. This NC is going to be hard though because he thinks he loves the OW--he thinks he's giving up his soul mate.



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You say you have only known about the A for 3 days, how do you know you are "Ok re: STD check".

How did you get into the office that quick? How did they tell you? Mail? Phone?


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Sandra2 Offline OP
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I didn't mean I'm ok re: testing clean but that I understand the risks and recommendation she made. I don't know all the ramifications right now. All I have to go on for the physical component of their affair is what he told me. He does not think I'm at risk. I plan to get tested anyway--I just didn't want to go into detail about it all. I get it though.

I assume your question is because you think I was trying to brush off the suggestion? I'm not. It was one of my first thoughts/concerns in the whole mess and that's why I replied the way I did. I was trying to say I get and appreciate the advice and am handling that part of this.

Last edited by Sandra2; 02/24/11 06:30 AM.

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Originally Posted by Sandra2
Am I supposed to be trying to avoid talking about unpleasant stuff (ie my hurt/what he's doing to avoid falling back/etc.) and trying to make it all pleasant and meet his needs right now--3 days post discovery. I tried to be affectionate tonight. I found out about the phone check. I don't think it left with a positive balance. I don't know what (if anything) I'm supposed to do right now to help him personally.


No Sandra, you are supposed to working on a plan of recovery. And that doesn't mean pretending like he hasn't just done to you the worst thing a spouse can do to another. It means that you begin work on recovering your marriage. I would start by AFFAIR PROOFING your marriage, ie: getting rid of that phone so your H is not triggered by waiting to hear from that skank, exposing the affair, having your H create a transparent lifestyle that does not allow for another affair.

Here is the plan you should be in:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Sandra2
Is this board mostly for BS's or would he find some help here too to keep his NC agreement? He already knows of the site. He keeps printing out articles. This NC is going to be hard though because he thinks he loves the OW--he thinks he's giving up his soul mate.

He won't find it nearly so hard as soon as the OW's husband and family find out about him. The OW's H will help your H stay away. This is why you should tell the OW TODAY, Sandra. As you can see, affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting the word out will be helpful to him. smile



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So sorry you are here Sandra. Many of us have been where you are right now.

You need to expose to OWH yesterday! Why have you not done this yet? You CANNOT skip this step. Without it, your chances of recovery are extremely small. Without it, your chances of a FR (False Recovery) are extremely high. That doesn't even take into account the moral obligations to do the right thing. If you continue to ignore this advice I am pretty confident you are going to lose supporters on your thread and less people will post to you.

Dr. Harley explains that there is a "very narrow path" to recovering a marriage from infidelity. This means that you have to follow the plan to the letter. Skipping one step in the process dramatically increases your chances of failure and a lot more hurt and misery.

Do not wait any longer on this. Get it done immediately. It's the only way. It must be done.

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Originally Posted by Sandra2
Is this board mostly for BS's or would he find some help here too to keep his NC agreement? He already knows of the site. He keeps printing out articles. This NC is going to be hard though because he thinks he loves the OW--he thinks he's giving up his soul mate.

No, this board is not only for BS's. There are a lot of FWS's here as well. Your husband, if he is so inclined, can start a thread of his own and people will help him work through the plan of recovery as well. He will get 2x4's for sure so he better have a thick skin, but the advice he will get will be invaluable and more then worth the lumps he will take.

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Quote
It bothers me he was hoping she might call. I guess I shouldn't be surprised--he loves her--he's feeling depressed--this is 3 days in. But I guess I expected him to do better at least at the start and I would have hoped he would have told me upfront without my asking.
This is pretty normal stuff, Sandra. He's going to say and do some things that may hurt you emotionally while he's going through withdrawal. Try to acknowledge that upfront so it isn't so painful when it actually happens.

Don't get rid of that phone. And don't give your WH access to it. Even seeing it may be a trigger for him. Put it where he can't find it.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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