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stay well rest and let him take care of you at least for the weekend!


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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NB28 Offline OP
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Yet another update

All was going well with ENs, POJA, reading and learning but not so good on the UA time due to kids being off school and family members invading our house from other countries.

Having more frequent loved up feelings than I did before so something must be working.

Then tonight happened.

We were invited to go cinema with friends and before the movie we decided to grab a quick dinner. I didnt mind where we went because I can't eat much anyway thanks to the gastric band so didn't think much of it until they chose the restaurant chain WH took OW to just before they had sex both times. I thought I would cope with going there and explained to my friends (who are aware of the A and the restaurant issue) that I wanted to replace the bad triggers of that place with happy memories of our night out also didn't want to spoil the night etc.

So it turns out I was in wishful thinking mode because the minute we walked into that restaurant I was super triggered. Wanted to know what ow had ordered wanted to know what he ordered, what they talked about at dinner etc. H was good but didn't trigger him at all which again left me feeling alone and withdrawn from him once again.

Should I still be avoiding A related places 3 years after the A? Or am I just over reacting?

Any insight would be appreciated


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Don't know much about marital recovery, except what I have read on here.

I wouldn't say that you are overreacting, you were triggered.

In all other ways, do you feel that WH has answered all of your questions? Is there any other place, or thing that you would feel the need to "reclaim?" I would suggest you get that done sooner rather than later. It is a big hit to your recovery efforts.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by NB28
So it turns out I was in wishful thinking mode because the minute we walked into that restaurant I was super triggered. Wanted to know what ow had ordered wanted to know what he ordered, what they talked about at dinner etc. H was good but didn't trigger him at all which again left me feeling alone and withdrawn from him once again.

Should I still be avoiding A related places 3 years after the A? Or am I just over reacting?

Any insight would be appreciated

NB28,

I could have written your post myself last week while on vacation. We went to our getaway spot which we discovered shortly after D-Day #1. Unfortunately, OW started to follow us there. So the place is now a big trigger. Wow ...thought I had it under better control.

I tried to avoid talking about the A but ended up drilling DH on how does someone look their wife and family in the eye and lie to them for a year. Had a complete meltdown with tears and weeping. He offered to never go back again if that's what I needed.

That gave me the courage to decide not to let that skank steal my beloved get away spot. I will not give it up.

I do still avoid all other triggers with a vengeance ...even 3 years out.

You are not alone.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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NB28 Offline OP
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Hey Scotland

You really can see beyond what's written, that's quite a skill you got there.

The fact is that although my H answered all the questions once he was cornered there was also several incidents of trickle truth, I discovered the A by simply following my instincts and I have this huge feeling there is something that my H has hidden regarding his A.

I don't know what it is but it's such a strong feeling it sometimes interferes with recovery. I have been honest with him about how I feel but he still does not divulge any additional info and plays the I don't remember card on many things. How can he one minute remember what food they ordered when they went out for a meal Just before having sex yet forget the details of the sexual act?

I really don't know how to feel about this. What I do know is that when he Answered the questions I had yesterday about the restaurant meal I was able to let the consuming a thoughts go.

It's a weird balance on one hand I want to let the A go and move on and reclaim things on the other I can't let it go without bringing it up first and asking about what is eating away at me.

Good news I guess that if I'm triggered it means I still care because on some days all I can think about is a divorce because I just can't seam to love him the way I should anymore. But if I'm getting Jelous about a meal they shared I must care more than I think.

Surviving an affair is definitely a minefield thank God we have a map to navigate with in the books and MB site.




BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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NB28 Offline OP
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Poker

I truly understand what u went through, I'm lucky that this particular restaurant chain isn't one of my favourites. Had he taken her to our favourite (and often wedding anniversary celebration place) restaurant I don't know how calm I would be going back there.

I just struggle when ordinary people don't understand why I can't go near certain places because they are triggers. They make me feel like I should be over it already and so I push myself to get over it but as much as I want to it does not work like that, I do trigger and it's not by choice.



BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Mar 2011
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Originally Posted by NB28
plays the I don't remember card on many things. How can he one minute remember what food they ordered when they went out for a meal Just before having sex yet forget the details of the sexual act?

Funny you should say that NB. I asked that similar question a few days ago. My FWH has very limited recollection of the hurtful things but can remember the mundane. The consensus seemed to be that they really do not remember ...the hurtful things.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I really don't like that, I want him to be remember and be creeped out by what he has done, I even got him to try hypnotherapy to remember but that didnt work it's like he has a permanent mental block that connects any emotions to the A.

Sigh

Another reason why I just want to give up.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
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Originally Posted by NB28
I really don't like that, I want him to be remember and be creeped out by what he has done, I even got him to try hypnotherapy to remember but that didnt work it's like he has a permanent mental block that connects any emotions to the A.

I think hypnotherapy only works on people who are open to it. Since it did not work on your WH, there is a good chance that he IS creeped out by it ! And even if he is blocking it ... it is still there deep inside him creeping him out.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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NB, a lot of BSs experience PTSD or many of the symptoms. It is not something you can just get over. It is something that needs to be dealt with. Avoiding triggers can work, but sometimes you don't know what will trigger you. hug


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Thanks poker thats comforting and makes sense to me so I will be optimistic.

Scotland thanks I did recognise the PTSD early on as I was having flashbacks of d day over and over again then was physically sick for months after d day reliving all the details of the A while ww was peacefully in slumberland next to me, I would take one look at him remember what he had done and find myself running to the bathroom to be sick. I doubt this is common in MB.

In the end given that H himself was my trigger I had to withdraw emotionally from him. And been struggling to reconnect since.

I did seek help from my dr soon after d day but was not taken seriously until 2 suicide attempts. But even then that help was temporary.

I don't feel suicidal nor as traumatised as I did in the early days so I thought I was strong enough to face the trigger places now I know my limits will stick to avoiding the triggers.

I even stopped stalking her fb page and don't give the OW much though which if you have ever read my thread will know it's a major step in itself.



BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
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NB28 Offline OP
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So the question for today is ........

Do I have the right to be angry or disappointed?

Here is whats going on


My 30 th birthday is coming up on September the 6th, every birthday I expect nothing and I get nothing due to the financial restraints that come with having a big family and currently being a stay at home mum and any birthday money my parents in law give me I will spend on the kids school equipment etc.

This year we are financially much better off, H has a good job, I received some money from my inheritance fund left to me by my grandmother and to be honest I have worked my backside off for the marriage and family so feeling like this time I do deserve something ( the taker in me is screaming the house down metaphorically speaking) and it's a special birthday as it's my 30 th.

So the original plan was for us to take a trip away together to celebration (we were hoping to go to venice Italy) my parents in law live locally yet never have the kids or babysit evenings so TWO years ago ( yes a whole two years in advance) we asked them if they would have the kids for 3 days so we could go away for my 30 th birthday and they agreed and we spoke about this agreement quite frequently over the past two years and they never changed their minds until....

Out of the blue they booked a holiday for themselves for the exact time we planned to go away, they have already had 3 weeks away this summer as their annual holiday so another 2 weeks away is unusual.

They didn't apologise or talk to us about it, we just got handed their holiday schedule details and I was too speechless to say anything.





BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
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NB28 Offline OP
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H did not say anything and that has upset me, I have always got on well with the in laws , even when mt MIL told H that he did not love me and the only reason he was with me was because he felt sorry for me ( this happened when he was in full blown affair but she didn't know he was having an a when she said this to him) I forgave her never spoke to her about it and just got on with life. He is her only child and she has never fully accepted his leaving home and settling with me.

I don't want to cause issues with the in laws but I'm just so hurt all over again and thinking of giving them back anything they give me for my birthday as I don't want anything from them. When I'm hurt I just go in cut off mode but the kids love their grandparents and I just don't want to hurt my kids.




BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
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NB28 Offline OP
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So that's the first issue,

Second is that I got a call from my best friend asking me what did I plan to do on my birthday as he wanted to arrange a party at his house (yes before u get the red flags out my best friend is a man but he is also very gay and has a lovely partner whom he will marry in April), I told him I didn't have any plans but better check with my H in case he had plans for us.

Anyway to cut to the case the hubby has zero plans and hasn't even given it a single thought. That really really hurts. I have literally given up on any romantic gestures from him over the year but I would still like him to make some kind of effort for the important dates ( it's one of my major ENs) . Last year was our 10th wedding anniversary and we didn't even exchange a card this year things are much better but I'm still left with the same feeling of worthlessness.

What do I do now????


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
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NB28 Offline OP
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Please anyone out there to help, I really need it, just had argument over this situation and major lbs flying around ( told him his actions are making me feel inferior to the OW, told him I didn't want to even see him on my b day) he's going to bed and I'm just crying hard feeling so low


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
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NB28 Offline OP
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For the sake of my sanity ill have to say this..

I love mb, I love the principals and I love the Harleys.

**edit** I read and read and read in order to try and learn more, I help out when I can, I didnt do a plan b so I don't tend to comment on them, I did plan A before MB so again I don't say much there but I did do an effective exposure and this helped so try to pass on suggestion and help on this. So I have to ask this why do I keep getting the could shoulders from the mb forum members?

I was in desperate need of help 2 days ago and all I got on my forum was crickets **edit**

You lot make me feel like the reject kid In school. Where all the grown ups gone?

**edit**

Last edited by MBLBanker; 08/29/11 07:25 PM. Reason: TOS: attacking other posters

BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
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NB - I read your post the other day. It is hard for me to give you encouragement when you have yourself in Plan C.

You are still bringing up the affair and it is almost three years old.

You have no plan for recovery as stated in your sig line. You know how this works.

Your WH either gets on board or you will continuously go down this horrific path. Your life will remain this awful and will slowly get worse.

My only thought is to really look at yourself and why you are still in this awful state. Why do you keep yourself in this marriage?

Why are you still bringin up OW?

Reevaluate how you handle your AO's and DJ's.

The answer lies in you text above. You threw us a bunch of DJs, can I assume you are still speaking to your WH this way as well?

**edit**

It is one long DJ at us. This suggests to me your "No plan for recovery" really needs to begin with the one wanting to change her WH.

Tough~

Last edited by MBLBanker; 08/29/11 07:11 PM. Reason: removing quote
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NB28 Offline OP
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It's tough

I am in recovery that's the plan, reading the books, meeting ENs,no dj, ua time etc is that a plan! Or am i missing something here?

There will be grey areas I will need help with and that's whybi came on here seeking advice. For example the MIL, does not appear to support my M do I cut her out, forgive?

As far as bringing up the A goes I was expressing how his actions made me feel I was being open and honest, am I supposed to be open and honest about everything but hide any feelings I have about the A?

My marriage has improved but is not yet where It should be hence why I still come here fro advice. **edit** How I feel is not a DJ against the forum it's how I feel.

Me communicating how feel can be taken as a DJ or just as a frustrated forum member who deserved better. I come on here take the good the bad and the ugly comments and work my backside off to improve myself and my marriage not my WH as I realise I can only control myself that's it what he does it's up to him but I do reserve the right to get upset about bad a actions.




Last edited by MBLBanker; 08/29/11 07:27 PM. Reason: TOS: attacking other posters

BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Aug 2011
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Hi - I mostly lurk and don't feel like I am qualified to give marriage advice but I can tell you how I handled my birthday and anniversary. I had been very disappointed with valentines day so my therapist told me to explain to my husband exactly what my expectations where and what I needed.

I told him for my birthday that all I wanted was a birthday card. I wanted it on my birthday and not two days late. It was not a special bday like yours.

For my anniversary (20th), I told him that I wanted a night out just the two of us. I wanted to dress up and not have any interruptions. The restaurant did not matter. It could be McDonalds. I just wanted some time alone.

He did both. He even bought me a bday gift and gave it a few days early so he wouldn't miss the deadline smile He just needed some guidance.

So think about what would make you happy on your birthday and tell your husband what you want. I have 4 children too. When they were little, I would have loved help with the housework or helping with the kids. He needs to understand that gifts do not always have to cost money.

Sorry that your in-laws bailed on you.

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NB28 Offline OP
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Ps my comments are NOT aimed at every single other forum member. Those who act I the way described are fully aware of their behaviour and will understand exactly what I'm venting about.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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