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*Bill* not Bull... Unless, of course, you resemble Richard Moll aka Bull Shannon from Night Court...


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Its like that scene in Airplane! where the woman starts having a breakdown, and some grabs a hold and starts smacking her "Snap out of it! Get a hold of yourself, and listen!"

And the camera pans back to a line of people willing to assist her in "snapping out of it."

Bingo!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Most of my 2x4s have been used on BS's who are too busy crying to get up and help themselves!! I sometimes have to whomp them up side of the head to WAKE THEM UP!!! Get off the train tracks!!!

OH HECK!!!.....the day after D-Day I stood nose to nose with the OM and let him know in great detail what would happen if he went ANYWHERE near my Wife again!!
I was FULLY awake!.....and that week I exposed him to his wife, and exposed him to his own children, exposed him to his office staff......I was awake!

Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Fear, Bull. Fear.

Many a BS arrives paralyzed with fear and grief. This leads to a strange arrogance; my situation is different! My situation is special!

Exposure won't work! Plan A won't work! Plan B won't work!

Its like that scene in Airplane! where the woman starts having a breakdown, and some grabs a hold and starts smacking her "Snap out of it! Get a hold of yourself, and listen!"

I understand.......I see my situation as exactly as you experienced people have told me it would be.
"WW is Foggy".......CHECK
"WW demonstrates Alien behavior"....CHECK
"WW blames everyone but themselves"....CHECK
"WW is MAD AS HE!! about exposure"....CHECK
Well.....you were right!!
doh2
I'm just Happy that I don't get the 2X4!!!!!

Last edited by BillCarolina; 09/05/11 06:15 PM.

BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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As a BS who received well-deserved 2x4's early on, I thank you. I have been known to hand out the occasional 2x4 to a new BS, but I tend to hand them out now to BSs in Plan B. I actually have a harder time posting to WSs so I don't seem to give them many 2x4's


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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to me a vet is a person that take time out of their day with full knowledge that they could be spending time with their families to impart a bit of wisdom on the rest of us that come here for the first time with no where to turn.

they guide and get frustrated, but they still keep plugging away and many of us come back to say the vet are right after not following what they say, but they dont expect that and thats not why they are here. thats what they call a vet, they are the ones, who no matter what still keep coming back for the greater good.

i thanks all those that have helped me though i may have a remorseful H - and they know who needs the special help so if you find yourself luck to hear from one of the vets , stop think and realize that they know what they are taking about, you are no different than the rest sorry, your situatition is not different. we are all in the the same boat just different winds....

be grateful for the advice no matter how hard it is to hear.


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Chick,

Re: you as you're the last post.

I defer many times because I am neither a BS or WS. I arrived here for different reasons, so I defer not so much to "vets", but to those that can directly relate where I can't, or shouldn't even pretend to, I think. There are so many here that I can only "imagine" pain versus reality.

I can't post things like "I know what you are saying", because I can't. I've pi--ed off some as I defer, but it's not that I can't talk MB, but rather because I think it's offensive to come off as first-hand empathetic when I am simply not.

I just love MBs an support the concepts.




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I dont think anyone wants to be a MB vet, per se.

I think someone grows into a MB vet AND then uses that power for good of fellow man. Not that taking the MB experience that saved (or help dissolve) a marriage and never coming back here is bad. A vet on this site is in the ineviable position of knowing the pain on both side of the adultery pedullum and seeks to help others by showing them a preferred path.

They slap WS/BS until the fog clears or the anger lifts enough to see the forest thru the trees. And, in most cases a vet will plow right thru the most incalcitrant poster and make them see that their way is not going to work and destined for failure. Then, they advise, suggest, implore, cajole, influence, and if that doesnt work a big piece of lumber comes your way.

You can perhaps say its a mission from God.

I say helping the helpless for no gain financially is the greatest gift someone can give.

There are a couple dozen posters I consider are must reads no matter whos thread they are on. Their words, maybe tough to the uninitiated, are always dead-on accurate, prescient, and thought provoking.

I wonder how many hours of misery someone like Melody Lane has saved a struggling couple.

Last edited by MikeStillSmiling; 09/06/11 07:36 AM.

Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Originally Posted by Surfer88
I can't post things like "I know what you are saying", because I can't. I've pi--ed off some as I defer, but it's not that I can't talk MB, but rather because I think it's offensive to come off as first-hand empathetic when I am simply not.

Keep in mind that most of us are not posting "I know what you are saying" either, because we don't. That is not what posters come here for. Posters come here to find out about Marriage Builders concepts and how to apply them. You don't have to have been through it to do that. You can always help, though, if you just teach others about Marriage Builders when they come here. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The thing about giving a new BS a 2x4 is that you feel bad for them, but if they don't wake up quickly, they lose what little bit of leverage they may have in their situations!

By nature I am a diplomatic person. I try to post things in a way that is empathetic but gets the message across. I believe in the ole "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care" philosophy. However, I also worry about being too soft in my diplomacy that it won't hit home.

Of course, I have not posted as much on here as other places...and I think a harder stance is appreciated here because the vets know tough love works!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Surfer88
I can't post things like "I know what you are saying", because I can't. I've pi--ed off some as I defer, but it's not that I can't talk MB, but rather because I think it's offensive to come off as first-hand empathetic when I am simply not.

Well said.

Keep in mind that most of us are not posting "I know what you are saying" either, because we don't. That is not what posters come here for. Posters come here to find out about Marriage Builders concepts and how to apply them. You don't have to have been through it to do that. You can always help, though, if you just teach others about Marriage Builders when they come here. smile


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
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Originally Posted by Scotland
As a BS who received well-deserved 2x4's early on, I thank you. I have been known to hand out the occasional 2x4 to a new BS, but I tend to hand them out now to BSs in Plan B. I actually have a harder time posting to WSs so I don't seem to give them many 2x4's


ME too! I was soo deep in BS fog and needed shaking! I feel for others who still feel gaslighted - but that wont stop me doing the necessary telling off!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Contrast that to the occasional threads we see over the years for self proclaimed "old timers" who show up for cameo appearances. They pronounce themselves as "seasoned" "wisened" "sages" based only on the fact that they signed up 10+ years ago. Rarely do they even know anything about Marriage Builders.

Mel,
It's nice that you remembered me. blush

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Vet or no vet... not sure which.

I first read the book, "Surviving an Affair" and saw this website listed in the book. Right after D-day, I read several books and Dr. Harley's writings and approach were the only ones that made sense to me. I did a poor (average?) job in applying many concepts I had read. Some of it didn't sink in right away (I was not thinking clearly and am not even certain I was feeding the DS for a few weeks). Other times I could not figure out how to apply MB during a military deployment/separation. I certainly should have gone into Plan B at some point when it was apparent that H was not being open and honest. I had never heard of "gaslighting" before, let alone be able to identify it when it was happening to me by the one person I had previously trusted with my heart.

If it weren't for the posting here on this forum, I would never had recognized the contact that occurred in Nov 2009. And I would not have had the courage to handle that situation as firmly as I did.

My H and I are MB believers and think we would have divorced had it not been for MB. It is a well-defined approach, addresses all major issues, and gives the best framework for a couple to treat each other lovingly with care and respect. Certainly, MB does not need any additions from me. I try to stick closely to Dr. Harley's writings.

AM





BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I am familiar with all of Dr H's writings and I feel pretty confident on most aspects of theory...

Experience is something else though.

I havent done recovery, Never got to try POJA etc...

I was walking my sis through POJA today (she is becoming an MBer, yay!) and I could do it, but knew someone with experience would do it better...

Now if you want to know about the benefits of exposure and Plan B, I'm your gal grin



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by still seeking
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Contrast that to the occasional threads we see over the years for self proclaimed "old timers" who show up for cameo appearances. They pronounce themselves as "seasoned" "wisened" "sages" based only on the fact that they signed up 10+ years ago. Rarely do they even know anything about Marriage Builders.

Mel,
It's nice that you remembered me. blush

SS

Nice to see you, my friend!! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You know I was teasing you ........ right?

Yeah, she knows.

I come by every once in a while. I wish I had more time to post. It looks like there is no shortage of those who need a helping hand and a kind word.

It is good to see all those who are helping. I believe there is a scripture about how it's a good thing to help others.

God Bless all of you.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Originally Posted by still seeking
You know I was teasing you ........ right?

Yeah, she knows.

yeah, yeah you were stopping in for your annual cameo appearance! grin just kidding. It is always great to see you, SS! smile God Bless you too, friend.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks ML and CV. I've learned much more than I've given back here, to be sure. And, that and that alone drives me to respond to posters here. Thanks.

I'll not to "defer" any longer, alright?

>>>she says now<<<< smile


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Originally Posted by Surfer88
Thanks ML and CV. I've learned much more than I've given back here, to be sure. And, that and that alone drives me to respond to posters here. Thanks.

I'll not to "defer" any longer, alright?

>>>she says now<<<< smile

you rock!! smile {{{{{{{{{{{{Surfer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

p.s. a couple of fast ways to get up to speed are to listen to the radio show [it is very entertaining - and free] and be sure and read SAA. We could sure use the help! thanks!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Right back atcha, lady. I have listened to some (the latest you or Pep posted the link to), but wouldn't you know my company's VPN blocks MBs? Jackwagons.

I bought 1 SAA and 2 HNHN and gave away as gifts this summer. I have to get my own copies and not rely on this website's cliff's notes (which are awesome). I've read the Q and As a gazillion times, and killed at least 3 Redwoods printing for my family and me. LOL.

(((back at you))), Melody. I heart you big time, my friend.


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