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I do have a question for other women/men who've been abused did it affect your overall health? I have always suffered from depression but it is getting worse and worse to the point I'm getting severe chest pain, eye tics etc. which my doctors say is due to very high levels of stress. I've started passing out randomly and recently collapsed in a parking lot and had a seizure requiring me to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. This has happened more then once with hospital stays and heart monitors. (And of course when I was on the stretcher with paramedics saying I could have one phonecall to a fmaily member I called my husband who said tell the doctors to release you and come home! No concern I had just been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance with heart problems. He refused to call my mom or sister to let them know I was in the hospital.) The increasing frequency of these problems concerns me and I'm wondering if physical symptoms can be caused from a troubling marriage. I mean there are other stressors in my life like coming to terms with my sons diagnosis and being told my second son might have the same condition and my own disorder so maybe its a coincidence. Just wondering if anyone elses marriage has caused them to become physically ill.

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Oh and in regards to the letter its too late not to send it I emailed it to him. He was in a good mood when he got home from work so I told him he had a really important message to read. So hes like okay sure. Opened his email saw the letter was 6 pages and said "freaking you expect me to waste my night reading this!?" and closed his email without reading it. So I guess you can all say I told you so. My sister says oh just give it time hes just tired from work hell maybe read it later but I feel if he had taken the time to write me a letter he said was important to him I would be curious what was in it and take the time to read it out of respect for him. Just so very hard I was anxious and felt sick all day wondering how hed react to it and now he just brushed it off without reading it. Im at an unbelievably extremely depressed state of mind right now, my heart is beating like crazy making me see black dots and feel like walking out into the night and walking and walking and walking until I collapse.

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Stress, whatever the reason can show up in many ways. Its your body's way of saying, " I can't cope with this, I will shut down until it gets sorted out". As you already have health issues, it only makes sense that they would be getting worse with the abuse and worry over the abuse.

It might help if you related what the health disorder you have is, but I can understand if you want to keep this private.

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Yes it made my already health problems worsen and made problems that I had never had before appear.
I also started having passing out spells, panic attacks, dizzyness and at one point my body just shut down digesting food. I almost died from the stress of being around him before the abuse ended it.

Fast forward to now. Extra Health problems are all gone. None of the things I was struggling with has come back and the health problem that I have is so mild now, it is super easy to deal with.

If you really feel like Im at an unbelievably extremely depressed state of mind right now, my heart is beating like crazy making me see black dots and feel like walking out into the night and walking and walking and walking until I collapse.

CALL the women's shelter. You don't have to go there! Just call them, talk to them... they understand sweet lady! At least you will have more info and talking to someone in real life can always help calm the nerves. Talk to someone who might have real answers. If your family can't come up with more than get counseling.
If you really feel bold, get your kids and Go there.

(PS on your disability... XH have been ordered to keep up insurance or extra money etc when they get divorced. It is already in the law books-don't use that as an excuse. This is why I think you should research some to quiet some of these fears you have)

One reason we say separate isn't to doom your marriage to Divorce but as one of the only ways you will ever possibly SAVE it and him.

Go back and read hurtingturkey post to you again as a past abusive man.


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I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid about 15 months ago - had obviously been ill for many many months before.

Hashimoto's is a autoimmune condition thought to be triggered by a virus or stress.

Dizziness
No appetite
blurred vision
palpatations
fatigue
head fuzz
aches and pains etc etc

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Originally Posted By: Speckledlady
For those of you who asked this is Mr. Harley's response:
The wives of abusive men are often in the situation you find yourself in. The man does so many things of value to her, that she seems to have no choice but to put up with his abuse. To leave him, and the lifestyle he offers, would be more painful than to suffer occasional physical and emotional abuse. Ive counseled scores of women in your situation. There are no winning alternatives for them.

But my position has always been that physical abuse, and sometimes emotional abuse, should be reported and not tolerated, regardless of the value of the relationship. There are many reasons. Physical abuse often leads to permanent disabilities (broken backs, brain damage, etc.), serious mental and physical problems caused by a lifetime of fear and stress, and death. Furthermore, the more the perpetrator learns that he has control, the more violent he becomes. By reporting him, he is aware that he cant get away with it.

Your life may be difficult without him, but it is likely to become tragic with him. You have no idea what chances you are taking every day you put up with your husbands temper. For the sake of you and your children, you should not accept it.

Ive also found that when a violent man is confronted with the fact that he will lose his wife and children if he doesnt learn to control his temper (and infidelity), he will often change. Ive witnessed many wives who after deciding to risk a divorce by reporting her husband, found that the resulting separation turned his life around and he became a safe husband and father.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley


Wow, I didn't know Dr. Harley was going to send a personal response, but I'm glad he did.

I hope you heed Dr. Harley's excellent advice. I doubt any of us on this board could advise you better.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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sunshine5 it is not that simple. It is not an excuse. My husband has told me in the past if we were ever to seperate he would go back to his home country (where there are no such laws) and disapear. He is from a powerful family there and I know this is true. He said I'd never see a cent of any sort of spousal support etc. I'm afraid he'd take the kids and disapear too! And hes right, with all the crimes in the world no one is going to try to track down a spouse not paying support in a country where its not even a law. So any support, insurance, etc. would be gone.

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Speckled:

Take a trip to your local women's shelter and have a talk with them. They are experts in these situations. They will understand how you are feeling. They will know how to get financial and medical support. They know how your husband will, over time, escalate the violence. And how you will come to think this is normal. They will also know what steps to take. I am pretty sure that writing a letter and giving it to your husband is not the next step. Writing it all out as therapy is probably good. Your husband has some kind of personality disorder/mental illness. Would you write a letter to a sociopath and tell him to stop being a sociopath? It won't work.

Why not go to the experts and get advice?

It is great that you are realizing that you are in an unacceptable situation. If you don't feel that you can go to your family or church (although I would try that first) then go to the shelter so people who don't know either of you can give you advice.

If you truly cannot work and are disabled, then the US government has Medicare/Medicaid to help in this situation.


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Speckled,

It's not so easy to take a child out of a country anymore, especially if you are in the US. Do your children have passports? You can no longer get a US passport or renew an existing passport without both parents signing for it, one parent signing but with notarized power of attorney from the parent or a court order. If your childrne do not have passports, yet, you or an attorney acting on your behalf can put the Department of State on notice (in writing) that both parents must appear in person, with valid id before a passport is issued.

If your children already have passports, take somewhere outside the house for safekeeping. DO NOT give them to an attorney for safekeeping. They are an officer of the court and must turn it over to a judge if ordered to do so. When I was concerned that my XH would take my son back to his home country, I gave my son's passport to a trusted friend and told NO ONE where it was or who I gave it to. When my attorney told me to give it to him for safekeeping, I told him no because I knew he was an officer of the court and would be required to turn it over, whereas if he didn't know where it was or who had it, he couldn't turn it over. I also told him I would go to jail before I gave my XH or a judge my son's passport.



If yoou

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Speckled...I don't know if you are in the United States or not, but Clinton passed the Deadbeat Parents Punishment Act, which in worst case scenarios could be helpful to you. It is apparently an amendment to the Child Support Recovery Act of 1992 which I believe makes it a federal offense to cross state lines or flee the country to evade CS payments that have accumulated to over $5,000 or when the payments have ceased for more than 1 year.


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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Soolee (great to see you by the way!),

I don't think this law can be enforced if someone is not a citizen of the U.S. and flees to their home country. The U.S. can't even get American people to repay student loans if they leave the country. If he takes the kids that's another matter.

However, it may be that this guy is like most bullies and is all brag and little else. I had a previous abusive partner that claimed: he'd kill himself, kill me, kill my family, etc in order to stop me leaving. When I left he made a few loud noises, and then nothing. Or as CWMI says *crickets*.

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I do not live in the states. If I were to seperate I'd have to go into it with the knowledge I most likely would never see a cent of support. Oh well I'm faced with an enormous decision and obviously I don't always have the best judgement or I'd have avoided this mess in the first place. Afraid I'll make another dumb decision, but my health is deteriorating fast so guess I got to make one fast. Thanks for all your advice everyone.

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Speckled, hon, that's something else the battered women's support will support you in - learning to trust your judgment. Unfortunately many, many women get into abusive relationships. It's like the frog in the boiling water, he doesn't realize he's cooking because it started so gradually. But you are practicing trusting your judgment, every day, like giving your H that letter, and it didn't blow up.


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lol the letter didn't blow up cause he never read it. Couldn't be bothered to take the time even though it was very important to me. Last night he said he wasnt going to waste his night reading it. Today I asked him a few more times to read it. He said he got to page two and that was enough it would take him a year to finish the whole thing. Cause yeah 6 pages would take a year to read. Right. Obviously didn't care about anything in the first 2 pages he did read. And I would have told him face to face to avoid a letter altogether but as said before he just falls asleep when I talk to him or turns on the tv. At this point I know in a seperation he wouldn't care at all about me, he says when he travels he misses me for a week and after that not so much. Only reason I think he'd put any effort in would be cause he loves the kids I'm beginning to think he views me more as a nanny then a wife. I'm finally starting to realise though I love him I don't think he really loves me. How can he possibly love me when day after day its more hurt and when he can get over me in one week.

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Just know you are not alone.
My ex said same types of things. It is all about control. He says hurtful things because he knows it is how he keeps you under his control.

My ex said same things, from I don't care if you leave, I will go to another country, no one will ever believe you... to I will kill myself to eventually, I will kill you.

Yep... never did one of those things once I walked out the door. When he actually KNEW that I was serious and meant it.

Love should not hurt. Love is kind, gentle , caring and thoughtful. Read I Cor 13.

You don't know how he will respond honestly to a separation. All of the things he says now is just to keep you under his thumb. What he says is what EVERY abusive husband on earth seems to tell their wives about what he would do if you DARE leave them. (sometimes I wonder if they read the same how to abuse your wife manual) crazy
You never know until you try. He might just turn around and amaze you at what great lengths he will take to win you and the kids back. Or he might not. One thing is for sure, I don't believe a word he says.

So instead of trying to make all these huge decisions all at once could you at least call an abuse center and talk to them?
That would at least be step number 1 done.


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Thanks Happy2CU. Same here. I get what you're saying. They say even in The States, it is not always easy to enforce - involves a lot of cooperation with police, etc.

Speckled...

I think it's common with people who are naturally very trusting, to leave a lot of the details up to the dominant personality in the relationship. However, it can set the weaker (for lack of a better word) personality up to be blindsided either in cases of divorce or death. Now is the time for you to buy a notebook and start writing things down.

Even if you never ever use the information, it is all stuff that you should know and have access to anyway. You are simply compiling information that you have a right to know anyway. Keep it locked up in a safe place, of course. A lot of it will be sensitive information that no one else should see.

Educate yourself and compile information, basically. This is not the time to hem and haw and hope that things will shift and change by osmosis. Certainly, you can research how to try to improve on the marriage, but your personal safety and that of your children is primary, and there is nothing wrong with simultaneously educating yourself.

Focus on what you have some control over, and one of those things is your knowledge base on the topic of where your life has the danger of going and what to do about it. You really have no choice. You've got kids, and being a parent changes everything. EVERYTHING.

No more 6-page letters. I don't know too many men who would want to read a 6-page letter, to be honest. Take it back. Get a highlighter out. Highlight either the stuff that isn't necessary or just the stuff that is. Make sure you aren't saying the same thing over and over but with different words. Rewrite it. Try to whittle it down to 1 or 2 pages or even paragraphs.

I love you. I want us to be happy, but I have a lot of concerns about our relationship, and I would like us to try and work hard on our marriage to make it better. I want to grow old with you. I want us to raise the boys together. How would you feel about sitting down to talk about this Friday night after supper?

Then you get someone lined up to watch your boys on Friday and you write out a short itinerary for your upcoming discussion. Areas of concern. Areas of repeated contention - be it parenting methods, finances, or whatever.

And you begin those discussions not with "You always or You should" but with "I feel...or I don't feel or I'm worried that...."

And Speckled...as a mother in this day and age, you really, really do need at least a trac phone. No bills. Just buy minutes as you go. Think about driving your kids around and breaking down. Think about being out shopping, and the teacher or baby sitter has no way of reaching you. It's a basic need in this day and age.

Last edited by Soolee; 09/15/11 09:35 AM.

Sooly

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"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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Last edited by Soolee; 09/15/11 08:58 AM.

Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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Great Advice Sooly

Taking these steps gave me such confidence and self belief. I urge you to do it SpeckledLady

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Big trouble here. I finally got my husband to finish the letter. He acted like he had just read a recipe for dip or something very unimportant and finally I'm like well what di you think. He wouldn't say anything about it at first but I asked again alter and hes like reread your letter you'll see you aren't innocent. I'm like what are you talking about? He's like you know what I'm talking about. I'm like do you mean because I hid your pillow as a joke and you kicked me or I woke you up and you hit me in the face etc.? He's like exactly, every case was provoked by you there fore it is YOUR fault. I said there is never an excuse for physical abuse ever even if I was annoying. He said was it bearable? I said what? He's like the pain was it bearable in those cases? I said well I lived through them and I'm sure torture would be worse so you could say its bearable but it was still very painful. He shrugged and said if it was bearble then its fine. So I'm like so as long as I don't die its okay? He just laughed. I said you know I'm thinking I may need to take the kids and seperate from you cause you aren't getting the picture. He said great go for it, I could use a holiday. I said I'm not talking a day 6 months or longer depending on you and if your willing to change. He just laughed again and said ahhh an even longer holiday! He said you have nowhere to go. I said I'll find somewhere and you wont be albe to find me. He thought that was hilarious too. I said or maybe I'll call the police and have you remoeved from the house why whould we leave when its your problem. He laughed even harder and said oh yeah you have no proof! And then I said if you ever touch me again like that and I'm calling the cops. Then he put his hand on my knee and hes like oh no are you gonna call the cops on me now, mockingly. And later I was bringing the groceries in and put my hand on him for support and he shouted ABUSE! and started laughing again. I said you know full well that wasn't abuse stop making a mockery of a very serious matter. But he didn't care about any of it acted like it was the most hilarious joke he ever heard. The coldness of it has put him in a new light for me cause before I could tell myself he didn't understand he was hurting me maybe he didn't know his own strength but saying it was all my fault and it was fine since it was berable pain, that is chilling. Or threatening me with the fact I have no proof. I've looked up the shelter in the area and I've contacted the government to see if its possible to make sure no passports are given to my children without both parents in person with valid ID. I'm wwaiting to see their response. I'm also wondering if I were to take the kids and go one night could he call the police on me and say kidnapping? Or file us as missing persons? I wouldn't want that. How do you legally leave without getting in trouble? He is very intelligent and has a very powerful family in his own country. I'm not exagerating in china if you have lots of status you can get things done. His families speeding tickets disapear and their passports are done over everyone elses cause their friends with the mayor etc. its all about who you know there. It doesn't work there like it does in western countries so I'm afraid of him taking the kids and running and disapearing behind his families protection. Or freezing me out of the account since we have a joint account. Theres just so many possibilities. I'm so stressed here trying to do whats right and not doing something stupid.

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Speckledlady, you have been so strong,now you've looked up the shelter call them.

Please do it today. Now.

they will advise you on the best course of action, for the best outcome for you and your children.

Now he has read the letter and heard of his reaction I am very concerned for your safety. Please get out safely.

Likely no use to you (I'm in the UK) but I have left my email addy with the mods.

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