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A reminder to posters that the purpose of this forum is to help others with MB concepts. If you can help this poster in that regard we encourage you to post. If not, then please refrain from posting. I see many personal philosophies being posted and it needs to stop. Any questions, shoot me an email.

Thank you.

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Willical,

What some posters are feeling, I think, is that they wished someone in your position of knowing had been kind enough to tell them the truth.

From your description of this guy he sounds like a slick serial cheater who would continue to cheat and lie to his W. My MIL is such a victim and it's really ugly that everyone except her knew the real truth, she only had bad feelings. It was also tragic that she only found out the complete truth when she was too old to do anything except suffer.

God Bless
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On the telling your children. I think you may find that they have already suspected. I know that in my WH's case, he was never told about his parents' affairs, but he sure does know they happened. He hated his parents for it. Now, not learning the lessons that his parents could have taught him, he has repeated their choice, and he has left his family. It's too bad that his parents didn't teach him to be a better man.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted By: weld
Willical, My wife and I are very happy. In fact we are coming up on our 36Th anniversary. I posted somewhere that I had found the OM on face book. I found his wife first. At the time of the affair I did not know that he was engaged to this woman he is now married to. I could easily call or email her saying "hey while you were dating your husband he was screwing my wife" In reality there is nothing his wife or I could do about it because the affair is long dead. If I were to do that the one that would get hurt the most is my wife whom I deeply love. I am not for any reason under the sun going to do that. I have hurt my wife enough I am not going to dig up something from the past to hurt anyone. I know I will catch hell for this but right or wrong I am not going to intently hurt someone I love.


I don't see how the truth being told to the OMW is going to hurt you or your WW.

It will cause problems for the OM. And the OM's actions should cause him problems.

It's time for the OM to face the consequences for having an affair with your WW.

The OM got off twice. He had an affair and never had to face the consequences. Most likely when a WS does not have to face the consequences they usually go and find more victims.

You are advocating that the OM continues to be able to ruin more lives.

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Originally Posted By: willical
I just dont see the advantage to embarrising her and telling friends and family about this very private thing. Perhaps confronting the OM & OMW is in order, but even that seems more like a revenge/ego thing for me, when I look at it logically. I certainly dont see the need to involve mt 15 and 13 kids, they have enough on their plates.


This is what exposure is about, not embarrassing her. Read this link:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2559836#Post2559836


Celtic Voyager
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weld, no worries. By all, I'm done with this forum!

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Originally Posted By: willical
weld, no worries. By all, I'm done with this forum!


Why is that?


Celtic Voyager
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I think he does not like being asked to be truthful with his children and the betrayed wife, CV.

Remember when women and children were protected first? Ah those were the days.

Well the truth has a way of revealing itself, at least. It just would have been nice to see Weld man up.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Sad to see a man afraid of telling the truth.

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Originally Posted By: willical


How do I get the images and hatred out of my head to move on?


There is an excellent discussion in the RECOVERY forum which addresses triggers.

*** LINK *** to Thread discussing trigger management.

Best to you willical .

I hope this helps.

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Originally Posted By: willical
My wife had a 4 year affair,in which sex occured 2-3 times per week the entire period, additionally, there were vacation getaways, under the guise of business trips, movies, dinners, picnics, etc. They also claimed they loved each other then. My wife told me recently, says she was young, foolish, though she loved him and of course, I didn't give her any attention, which I probably didn't. After it ended in 1993, she stayed with me, all the way through, of which I was an active alcoholic until 2005. We have 2 children born together well after the affair and have built a pretty wonderful life. All that being said, I cant get the images out of my head. I love her, want to die with her and be happy. We have a super sex life, but I am distraught over the affair. I knew the guy. Know where he is now. He is still married to the same woman with kids. He told my wife that his wife tricked him into pregnancy in 1991/2. I think he manipulated her in a time that he saw she was vulnerable and used her for 4 years. I am not relieving her of any resonsibility, but want to FIX him! How do I get the images and hatred out of my head to move on?


I'm just sorry this thread veered away from what you were clearly asking for.
Your question could have been addressed before a discussion about exposing the affair.
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Willi,

I came to this thread late. I hope you are still reading. I have not read each and every post, but it seems to me you came here for some marriage building right?

If so, let's talk about marriage building which means for the moment that revenge on OM is not part of the picture, nor is telling your children.

What is in the picture right now is the two of you developing a plan to make your marriage better. Better you say? It was going great until your W told you the truth, then it wasn't better.

So let's work on that truth. I would strongly urge you to read His Needs Her Needs. I would strongly urge you to understand that her affair was her affair...not yours. She could have divorced you if she wanted to and easily because there were no children at the time, but she did not.

I would recommend that you sit down with your W and discuss how to address her feelings about your use of alcohol and one night stands and how to address her affair. You MUST understand that for her it was 20 years ago, but for you it is like yesterday as you just found out. Discuss this with her. Ask her for help and be willing to help her.

HELP HER? Why would you need to help her? That one is easy. As you addressed your alcohol, as you became the man you could be, as your marriage got better, she felt and feels increasingly bad for her betrayal, hence she told you. She still feels it and it hurts her.

Willi here is the odd thing about humans, they often connect more strongly when they help other people than when they are getting help. Your W needs your help, she is hurting. You need her help, you are hurting.

Figure out how you can help her and how she can help you. Use the tools that on this site to help each other. A main one is radical honesty. Another is giving one undivided attention. Care for one another and help one another.

Willi reach out to her and help her and you will begin to see some very interesting changes in her and when that happens you will also change and grow.

Willi this is an OPPORTUNITY to really get your marriage right and set for the rest of your lives.

Come talk about that OK? The other things people have suggested and your need for revenge on OM will be addressed after you and your W start to make plans and use those plans to improve your marriage and heal one another.

God Bless,

JL

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Originally Posted By: Just Learning

Come talk about that OK? The other things people have suggested and your need for revenge on OM will be addressed after you and your W start to make plans and use those plans to improve your marriage and heal one another.


Can you point me to the post that advocates getting "revenge" on the OM? crazy Rather I have seen people suggest EXACTLY what Harley suggests: exposing the affair. Exposing to the OM's wife has absolutely nothing to do with revenge, BUT WITH BASIC DECENCY. It has to do with telling her other victim the truth. Harley NEVER advocates revenge and certainly exposure is not a vengeful action, but a THERAPEUTIC ACTION. Exposure is GOOD for a marriage, not bad.

And no, Dr Harley does not suggest exposing the affair "after" there has been healing, but in order to faciliate healing. This is HOW his wife make amends for her affair.

In case you have any interest in Dr Harley's concepts, here are his comments on this issue:

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
"What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lovers spouse should be informed. Granted, its embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you already know, Im a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparencyletting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on youholding you accountable." When Should An Affair Be Exposed?


So, no, it has nothing to do with "revenge," but with healing. Exposure is therapeutic....


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What are you talking about JL? Are you seriously suggesting the poster lie to his childern and let the betrayed spouse figure stuff out for herself?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: willical


I am distraught over the affair.


I am sorry this vital fact that you provided was overlooked for awhile.
Discovery of adultery, no matter the time frame, is a crisis fraught with mental confusion and emotional anguish.
Getting through this is a process.
It's difficult to know just what to do, isn't it?

I do understand.
It's been over a decade, but I do remember feeling so distraught I was not functional.

If you do nothing else, please read the link to the RECOVERY forum that I posted and you can get some sort of an idea what the process of healing is all about.

Other issues can wait until you move from "distraught" to another, less vulnerable, less volatile emotional place.

I hope you return to the forum and begin again.
Know this. You and your marriage can both improve to the point of being better than before.

A marriage with RADICAL HONESTY is a good place to begin.
Read about RH in the BASIC CONCEPTS.

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Mel,

Ok, this is making me mad. I was not talking to you, nor did I even imply that getting revenge on OM was part of MB. In fact I explicitly stated that it was NOT part of MB. He is the one that discussed his focus on OM and how he wanted some sort of revenge. I don't know why you have taken my comments so defensively or assumed I was attacking MB. I have been here much longer than you, and if I felt that the MB approach was bad I would not still be here.

My comment to him was very clear. Address his relationship with his W first. Start to heal it NOW! 20 years out, telling the W who may or may not know, is NOT high on the list of things to do given that there is NO indication of contact for 20 years. I am not saying he should not, I am saying in this case the order of events needs to change.

His W has not been in an affair for 20 years. He just found out and is stunned, he like all BS's is struggling with this, but it is his marriage, and his feeling that he is struggling with, not the presence of an OM that is long gone.

I AM NOT ATTACKING MB, but I am extremely agitated by the implication in your post and the one following that I am. If you are confused by what I say, ask me first to clarify before you go off.

JL

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JL, there was NO misunderstanding at all about your point. The poster objected to exposure to the OMW, calling it "revenge," and you validated that notion. I am extremely agitated that posters who have been here less time than you have to correct that point, so I guess we are EVEN. I believe we have had a similar disagreements in the past when it came to Dr Harley's position on exposure. You can read Dr H's own quote for yourself above. Nowhere does Dr Harley tell posters to "put it off." Or call exposure "revenge." You told the man to put aside exposure, even to his kids, which you call "revenge." crazy

Here is what you said:
Originally Posted By: JustLearning

If so, let's talk about marriage building which means for the moment that revenge on OM is not part of the picture, nor is telling your children.


Exposure is PART OF RECOVERY, part of "healing," it is not "revenge," so why in the world would it be put off? No one said you were "attacking" Marriage Builders, but others did see your advice did not line up with Dr Harley's views. Maybe you want to rethink your position?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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JL,

His W has not been in an affair for 20 years. He just found out and is stunned.

JL, I will say that when you discover a long lost affair it does feel like the years in between the affair and discovery are at least tinted with the affair. And it is that tainting of those years that is the main component of revenge that grows rather than fades with time.

God Bless
Gamma

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When there is an ongoing affair, exposure ASAP is really important to kill the affair.

This affair has been dead for many years.
IMO exposure can wait until this demolished individual can find a way to breathe again.
What's the rush?
Convince me why it's so important he expose right away. Remember, OMW already knew about the affair.

Again, where's the fire? think

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband

This affair has been dead for many years.
IMO exposure can wait until this demolished individual can find a way to breathe again.
What's the rush?
Convince me why it's so important he expose right away. Remember, OMW already knew about the affair.


The pressing exposure is with his kids and his close family members so he can recieve the support he needs. I don't believe it is "urgent" for him to expose to the OMW, but why would he wait? For what purpose?? Exposing to the OMW can only have the upside of facilitating his wife's fog.

Since exposure is a therapeutic part of recovery, in every way, why in the world would anyone advocate waiting?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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