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Originally Posted By: mgambard
Originally Posted By: CWMI
I offered you help! Tell her that you need her to quit this job and go no contact for life with this man.

Please?

Actually, she has already offered that, but I told her it wasnt necessary, as long as the contact remained work related, and it's a really high paying job that she wouldnt be able to replace easily. Especialy in this economy. And with two kids to support, not a smart option. But yet, she still offered.


You have had some of the forums more experienced participants respond to you. I know you are having a hard time with some of the messages you have read and that is understandable. You are looking for an easy solution to a difficult problem.

You are enabling an emotional affair. Pepperband gave you a brilliant suggestion. Tell her you changed your mind. She has a propensity for flirting with men. You are a prime example of that. If and I mean if there is any hope of you two establishing a long term relationship she cannot have any MALE friends at work or anywhere. You want to look like you can trust her so you don't look like the bad guy or paranoid. Well you are setting yourself up to fail if you continue with this. You need to familiarize yourself with the concept of EXTREME Precautions. Your fiance is addicted to flirting and getting herself into dangerous situations.

You are leaving yourself exposed big time. Some of the posters here have suggested you run away from this situation because the probability or her doing to you what she did with you is very high. She has a track record of cheating. You are overlooking something that you need to pay attention to. What is she doing to stop this addiction?

I feel badly for you. I have been in the situation you are in. My ex-wife loved to get attention from other men. Until I came here I had no clue on how dangerous it can be to a relationship. Well let me tell you that it is an issue of character. The person you are hoping to marry has some character issues and some behaviour issues she has to rectify. And you have to man up and hold her accountable.

Dr. Phil says the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. As I read your post you are in that classic situation. I know you are in LOVE and that is clouding your judgement. You are on a slippery slope and headed for a some serious problems down the road if you do not pay attention to the real dangers you face.

You both have to commit to being very disciplined regarding your relationship. And you need to establish some strict boundaries, otherwise you are signing up for a world of hurt in about 3 years if not sooner.

Good luck.

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(we have custody of them every other week, and then we have a week to ourselves, to spend alone with each other. Its actually worked out very nicely.)

Oh, good. How nice for you, to fit these children into your schedules.
Quote:
puke
Children are NOT moveable objects! How callous are you, to admire the schedule that works for you re: child care while these children are being disrupted and dragged back and forth between their two homes??

Bottom line: You and your girlfriend destroyed both of your marriages in order to indulge your childish desire for each other. Your relationship started out on a deceptive foundation. You are now puzzled and hurt because your girlfriend is behaving exactly as she did when the two of you met. What are you confused about? She's behaving normally for her.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: mgambard
And I AM committing myself to marry her, we are planning a wedding as we speak, and I have NO misunderstandings about my past. I am well aware of the fact that I was married when we got together. Again.....TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD HERE....
You know, by the logic you are sharing here, you're basically saying that every single one of you who has cheated or been cheated on, to just give it up because your spouse WILL cheat on you again, or YOU will cheat again, whatever...how friggin hopeless.
Um, no. You haven't read enough on this site to speak intelligently about the other posters' situations here. But I CAN confirm that adulterers who hook up and dump their spouses for each other statistically have a dismal success rate. ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved, and ex husbands who actually WEREN'T abusive/mean/stupid, etc.
Quote:
how friggin hopeless.
Very possibly. I'm sorry. She's already shown you what she can do.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/02/12 09:29 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
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Good luck to you all. I hope you wallow in your perfect little married ::surround that word with gold and sparkles for the rest of us have-nots to see::

I couldn't find a little guy throwing gold sparkles. Will green do?

You are naive and belligerent, sir. Those qualities prevent learning. Just so you know. Let us know when you are REALLY receptive to learning from people who :::gasp::: may actually know more than you think you know. I know... that flies in the face of your own over-inflated opionion of yourself. We'll do our best, though. lashes

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/02/12 09:48 PM.

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Originally Posted By: mgambard
We've been living together for the past year, along with her two kids, and my son. (we have custody of them every other week, and then we have a week to ourselves, to spend alone with each other. Its actually worked out very nicely.) We enjoy our family time, and our alone time to do many things together and build life experiences.

I almost couldn't keep reading past this... mad

Seriously? So adultery, abandoning your spouses and children, and then fitting those kids in around your adulterous affair to the benefit of the affair and your own selfishness has worked out "very nicely" for YOU?

Bet the kids would have preferred different.

I have read this thread with morbid fascination. It is like car crash TV... I just can't look away from the horror.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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The reason why affairages don't work it's simple

Two crack addicts living together never works and neither can get clean.

If crack addicts live apart they stand a better chance of getting themselves clean and being decent members of society again.

You and your girlfriend have a warped mind set where dating married people and chearting on your spouses is acceptable therefore you can't ever have a decent relationship. Separate make amends with the people you have both hurt and look for decent moral partners in the future.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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It's also funny how we went from being "fine people" in the first post to big meanie heads in the span of about an hour.

For some of us, it's not too unusual! wink

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
It's also funny how we went from being "fine people" in the first post to big meanie heads in the span of about an hour.

For some of us, it's not too unusual! wink


ditto...... laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: BCboy
Originally Posted By: mgambard
Originally Posted By: CWMI
I offered you help! Tell her that you need her to quit this job and go no contact for life with this man.

Please?

Actually, she has already offered that, but I told her it wasnt necessary, as long as the contact remained work related, and it's a really high paying job that she wouldnt be able to replace easily. Especialy in this economy. And with two kids to support, not a smart option. But yet, she still offered.


You have had some of the forums more experienced participants respond to you. I know you are having a hard time with some of the messages you have read and that is understandable. You are looking for an easy solution to a difficult problem.

You are enabling an emotional affair. Pepperband gave you a brilliant suggestion. Tell her you changed your mind. She has a propensity for flirting with men. You are a prime example of that. If and I mean if there is any hope of you two establishing a long term relationship she cannot have any MALE friends at work or anywhere. You want to look like you can trust her so you don't look like the bad guy or paranoid. Well you are setting yourself up to fail if you continue with this. You need to familiarize yourself with the concept of EXTREME Precautions. Your fiance is addicted to flirting and getting herself into dangerous situations.

You are leaving yourself exposed big time. Some of the posters here have suggested you run away from this situation because the probability or her doing to you what she did with you is very high. She has a track record of cheating. You are overlooking something that you need to pay attention to. What is she doing to stop this addiction?

I feel badly for you. I have been in the situation you are in. My ex-wife loved to get attention from other men. Until I came here I had no clue on how dangerous it can be to a relationship. Well let me tell you that it is an issue of character. The person you are hoping to marry has some character issues and some behaviour issues she has to rectify. And you have to man up and hold her accountable.

Dr. Phil says the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. As I read your post you are in that classic situation. I know you are in LOVE and that is clouding your judgement. You are on a slippery slope and headed for a some serious problems down the road if you do not pay attention to the real dangers you face.

You both have to commit to being very disciplined regarding your relationship. And you need to establish some strict boundaries, otherwise you are signing up for a world of hurt in about 3 years if not sooner.

Good luck.


@BCBoy, First, I want to take the opportunity to thank you for your civilized response. This is exactly what I was hoping to get from here, was someone who isn't sugarcoating the situation I'm in, OR coddling me, as someone else put it, but spelling out a civilized approach to what my next steps should/could be. So for that, thank you.
For the majority of the rest of you, I have little to say other than, way to put someone on the defensive right off the bat. What did you expect? I don't pretend to know the hurt your own situations have caused, nor the amount of pain you have endured, not would I try to put my own judgements out there as such.
But I will say this. We are still two people with feelings and emotions too, not cold heartless beasts who've "wrecked families" and ruined children. My son happens to love my fiance, as I do her kids as well. And during our weeks we have them. our time is devoted entirely TO them. My Ex wife and I are on friendly terms, and her new BF and his kids are important to my son as well.

As far as my fiance goes, well, think what you want, but she endured YEARS of alcoholism, verbal abuse and being restrained from even seeing her own family members. So yes, there are emotional problems there that led her to stray from her marriage. I've already admitted that to you. (I didnt HAVE to come on here and do so, remember) Perhaps I havent explained the right way what was going on in the first place now. She does NOT actively flirt at work with other men. is there some playful banter that once or twice got a out of bounds? Yes. I confronted her about it, and it stopped. My original plea on here was to get help to know if I was overreacting BECAUSE of our history, or in not, what can I do to make it right. thats all. She is not an evil person, and she's not looking to 'hook up' with anyone else. I DO think that her knee jery reaction to lie to me about lunch that day was because she didnt want me to be worried. She could have continued to deny it, but all it took was for me to ask a second time, and she came clean. My point is, is I think she is trying. Belive it or not, although the odd may not be in our favor, we COULD be that 1 in 100. Thats all.

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Dude. Your "feelings and emotions " led you to wreck two families. Until you acknowledge that, and own it- then yes, cold and heartless and selfish are apt descriptors.

And by your logic- anyone with a bad past is entitled to cheat.n

Sweet!! I have had really awful things happen in my life - and somehow, I have avoided cheating. What's wrong with me? *sad face*

You haven't paid attention to anything you're been told. Your fianc is cheating on you. Just like she cheated with you. And you don't seem to be arsed enough to take some action.

good luck with that.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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Originally Posted By: This site's welcome
Welcome to the Marriage Builders Discussion Forum!
Before participating in the forum, please follow these guidelines:

If you are having difficulty resolving a marital conflict, first read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.
If you have a question after reading the Basic Concepts, look over the Summary of Q&A Columns to see if your question has already been asked.
If your question has not been asked in any of the Q&A Columns, or if it was not answered to your satisfaction, then you may wish to post your question on this Marriage Builders Forum.


*** LINK ***

and this .... if you are serious ..... skeptical

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CALL IN WITH YOUR QUESTIONS!

At 12:00-12:45pm Central Time, Marriage Builders Radio is broadcast live with Dr. Bill and Joyce Harley every weekday. This means that they will be available to take your email or call and answer your questions.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

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Never said we were entitled to cheat. Never DIDN'T own up to the fact that we did. Have you not read my post? I could've come on here, and told my whole story, and left off the beginning part about how we met, and you'd be 100% trying to support and offer up solutions. Thats exactly what I WOULD have done, had I been looking for justification. I think I just came to a place where cuts have run too deep for anyone to see things on the other side of the fence thats all.
If I'm the evil one, why am I not posting ROTFL smilies, and snide comments?

I want to thank you for giving me the drive I need to prove you wrong. Send me your address, and I'll include you on my 50 year wedding anniversary party.

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Originally Posted By: mholt
I could've come on here, and told my whole story, and left off the beginning part about how we met, and you'd be 100% trying to support and offer up solutions. Thats exactly what I WOULD have done, had I been looking for justification.


Actually we would have given you the same advice. She is cheating. Why enter into a marriage that is doomed to fail?

See same advice.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted By: mholt
I think I just came to a place where cuts have run too deep for anyone to see things on the other side of the fence thats all.


No, you came to a place where people call a spade a spade and you don't like hearing it because you are in denial. One does not have to have been "cut" to recognize an affair when they see it. You came to a marriage forum to try and save an affair. This is not "Affair Builders," it is Marriage Builders. You are not married, you are in an affair.

You are on the wrong forum, my friend. Marriage Builders is intended to save marriages, not affairs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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mholt,

I am 100% serious and not sarcastic here.

WHY do you feel that she is not repeating history? When you've clearly stated that she is doing the same thing with this guy, that she did with her husband, and is doing these things against your wishes?

I don't understand how you have come to any other conclusion, other than perhaps you think that a woman would not do this if her husband was not "controlling" or "abusive". They do.

Read your first post.

Now read your last few posts.

You are re-writing things to make her appear how you want to her to appear - not for what the original problem was and how her behaviour demonstrates a pattern.

I'm sorry, but all relationships cannot be fixed - and certainly not ones where a person is demonstrating the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOUR as to what led to their previous affair.

She is being the same woman you chose to have an affair with, only you want her to change who she is.

She is who she is. You can't bait-and-switch a person.

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BTW you will find that "fixable" marriages after adultery occur when two parties once had a good relationship, adultery occurs later on, and both parties recognize an extreme need/dedication to change the marriage and their lives.

You will not find much success stories here when one person marries someone who was an adulterer from day 1. Whether you left out your original part or not, people here would tell you to run.

She did it with you, she is doing it to you - hiding your head in the sand will not change how obvious that is.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: mholt
I think I just came to a place where cuts have run too deep for anyone to see things on the other side of the fence thats all.


No, you came to a place where people call a spade a spade and you don't like hearing it because you are in denial. One does not have to have been "cut" to recognize an affair when they see it. You came to a marriage forum to try and save an affair. This is not "Affair Builders," it is Marriage Builders. You are not married, you are in an affair.

You are on the wrong forum, my friend. Marriage Builders is intended to save marriages, not affairs.


rotflmao

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Marriage Builders
Building Marriages To Last A Lifetime


vs

Quote:
Affair Builders
Building Affairs To Last A Few Miserable Years

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mholt --

You like to make the picture pretty, don't you.

Now its just some simple flirting and she's put a stop to it.
Instead of the sneaky behavior you described at first.

And you say you're "friendly" with your XWife -- but I wonder what her view of that would be?? Those of us who have years of experience in dealing with affairs know that it is the most painful experience in life. So, since you show no remorse regarding the destruction of your family -- how has your Xwife gained this sense of "friendliness" towards you?

Does she even know the depth of your betrayal? Does she know that it was the affair with OW that was the primary cause?
Or did you paint OW as your "new" girlfriend that just came along after your divorce?

you said:
Quote:
What I am asking is, why is it not possible for two people to make things right?


Have you truly made things right? Have you sought forgiveness from XWife for the betrayal of her? Start from there.

What have you DONE to start making things right?
And if you haven't done that.....then perhaps this is KARMA.

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It is truly wrong how much this thread makes me laugh, isn't it?

I am angry that they are unrepentant cheaters, but am enjoying the fact that it is exploding.

I won't hold my breath for a 50th wedding anniversary party for these two schmoopie soulmates. LOL


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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