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6877 Offline OP
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Id love to post it on facebook!


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
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I would caution you to expose, but always take the high road. Don't do anything out of pride or to lash back that could come back to make YOU look bad. Exposure is good b/c it shines light on the truth. Do it respectfully. That way, he can't say that you did anything wrong.


BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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6877 Offline OP
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Should you still do plan B even if you know that's what your heading for, divorce?


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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6877 Offline OP
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Agreed littlebit3..... just my anger coming out. That would be embarrassing for me to.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 514
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I have read that you need to plan B for yourself anyway!!!! Plan B is for YOUR emotional recovery. Not his, not to punish him, etc... It is for you to clear your mind, start finding your way back to YOU!!! You need to get your mind off of him and what he is doing. You DON'T need to hear his fogbabble right now!!!!! NOPE, steer clear!!!! He has shown you be his actions and words that he doesn't need you. He is willing to have any skank meet his needs, he isn't picky!!!!!


BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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I hope you realize that he knew you were a good one. That may have been why he married you. You might have been the one good thing that helped him feel good about himself. Too bad he didn't define himself by having a personal committment to a healthy moral character and integrity!!!

Last edited by Littlebit3; 08/15/12 01:18 AM.

BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Originally Posted by 6877
Id love to post it on facebook!
Follow the exposure thread. There is a template for facebook exposure.

Have you saved all her facebook contact information before she blocks you?
Exposure 101

Yes I would Plan B even if you are going to D. Remember to be in your best Plan A before you go into Plan B. You don't want him to remember Plan FU before you go into Plan b.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by 6877
Should you still do plan B even if you know that's what your heading for, divorce?
Sorry this all came down like this, 77.
As I have said, I hope you'll use the resources here to continue to learn a new way to look at relationships. Part of healing will be to not take blame for your husband's affair, but to acknowledge what you will do differently in your next LTR; and try to map out a path to get there once you are whole again.

I dont' know what Dr. Harley would say about this specifically, but I think exposure is an important part of the healing process in these situations because it helps one to maintain the reality and truth of what happened. You have a right to stand on the facts - no matter what kind of a gf and wife you were, there is no justification for someone cheating on you; in fact it is known scientifically to be one of the most hurtful and cruel things one can do to someone they are supposedly committed to.

I think Plan B is essential to you starting....right now. There is no humanly reason at this time that I can think of that you would need to interact with this person, AT ALL. Every time you look at him the movie will play, this will stunt your recovery. Same with hearing his voice. I would get a intemediary and let them communicate for you. Get your stuff and make it as quick and painless as possible. You have probably built up few marital assetts, so there should be few complications.

(((sevenseven))). There are good folks all around here who will help you and guide you with MB principles, if you chose to avail yourself to them and the knowledge you will find all through these pages. It's going to take time, but you're going to be just fine.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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Originally Posted by 6877
Should you still do plan B even if you know that's what your heading for, divorce?

Yes. Because you need to learn healthy boundaries, for one. This is not a marriage that should have happened, you should never marry a man who treats you in the manner which he did while you were engaged/dating. You need to learn how to pick a better mate and when to walk away.

Good luck to you, it is the right decision to make. You deserve much more.

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You have all my sympathies, 77. I think walking in like that HAS to be one of the hardest ways to find about an A.

The OW smiling at you shows you what a piece of dung she really is. But this is not about her, she could have been one of many pieces of trash (think about used kleenex) that your WH picked up along his way.

His reaction was horrible, too. but, alas, not uncommon for a serial cheater. But again, this is not about him, either. This is about you.

And how you will chose to live your life from today on.



How are you doing today? I

Last edited by barbiecat; 08/15/12 01:24 PM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I am sorry you find yourself in these circumstances, I know it hurts. It will get better with each passing month. My XH was a serial cheater too...after I caught him the first time, we went into a FR and then the second time...I filed. Our M was only two years, he started cheating after a year (that I know of). That's too soon for cheating, but 2 1/2 months? Get an annulment! Oh and he didn't cheat because you didn't meet some of his needs, he cheated because he had poor boundaries. It's was up to HIM to convey to you what he needed, NOT up to him to cheat!

We aren't saying he doesn't have a good side, there's always something about them that they attracted us with, even my scum-bag XH had a couple of good qualities, but they don't count compared to their cheating ways! This isn't a M you can live with, find acceptable.

Learn all of the MB principles and work on yourself so you can eventually have what you wanted all along.

Sometimes the more we invest, the harder it is for us to wake up and smell the coffee, we don't want to throw in the towel, don't want to be deemed a failure, but there comes a time to realize that we have to respect ourselves by raising the bar...higher, higher, higher! You're still young, when you've had time to learn MB and heal, you'll be more ready for what you wanted all along.

I want to share with you something a friend of mine told me when I was going through it...and I think she hit the nail on the head right on...
XH John cheated on me not because there was anything wrong with me, but he was seeking his own level...and found it. His skanky ho (God rest her soul) died of liver failure after he left me for her. And him? Right now he's battling throat cancer, can't even talk. Me, I'm okay! You will be too. Point being, sometimes other people have some serious problems and it's up to THEM to work them out, it's not your place to fix them or try to adjust yourself to them. Your WH shows serious character deficiencies...it wouldn't matter to me how great a times we had together...not worth it. And the OW? She's clearly his level.

You WILL be okay, I promise you that! It hurts, but there's no way through the pain of grief/loss but straight through it, and when you've done the work/recovery, you'll be okay.

Oh, and if anyone ever cheats on you again, take that as a SERIOUS red flag and get gone! DON'T marry them!

Plan B, spend time on YOU, your personal recovery, learn, learn, learn, and be particular what kind of friends you pick.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Wow, kaycstamper, that was a really beautiful post!!!


BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
Joined: Jun 2011
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How are you doing today 6877? I know it has had to be an emotional 24 hours for you. Sending you positive energy and strength right now!!! I hope you are holding your head high, remembering that YOU deserve so much more love and respect that what he could ever give you. The best thing you can do for yourself is walk away. Please don't forget to love yourself in all of this!!!!!


BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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6877 Offline OP
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Posts: 122
kaycstamper: Great post, thank you.
Littlebit3: This was a very hard 24 hours...up, down, up, down. I had to go to my hearing today and the OW never showed so it was dismissed. I have not talked to my WH for 2 days, I blocked his phone number from my phone so I could get a break. I did receive a message from my WH today on facebook saying he has made an appointment at some sort of addiction place so he can be evaluated for sexual addiction. I did not respond to any of his messages, nor do I have hope this will save the marriage. He needs to go so I hope he does but I will not be helping him, not this time.
I'm definitely tired of the up and down hours of everyday.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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6877 Offline OP
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Thank you for everyone posting, I need to see these messages about 50 times a day just to stay sane!


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
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Originally Posted by 6877
Thank you for everyone posting, I need to see these messages about 50 times a day just to stay sane!
So did you expose?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by 6877
I did receive a message from my WH today on facebook saying he has made an appointment at some sort of addiction place so he can be evaluated for sexual addiction. I did not respond to any of his messages, nor do I have hope this will save the marriage. He needs to go so I hope he does but I will not be helping him, not this time.

Yep, I think we'd agree with your approach and decision on that! Good job.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Originally Posted by 6877
Thank you for everyone posting, I need to see these messages about 50 times a day just to stay sane!

Having a plan will help you with that. I think many of us BS's say we are done and want a divorce and then we decide to work on recovering our marriage. Regardless of the outcome, you should still expose the affair and prepare for Plan B. The exposure to give you the moral support from family and friends and Plan B to remove yourself from your WH's drama and bullcrap and focus on your personal recovery and healing.

~RQ

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This is who I've exposed to: His family, all my close friends, his lifelong close friends, my daughter, the OW father, the OW's best friends' fiance. I have not told my family yet, I don't know why, well I do, dissapointment in me, even though I know that's not true but my mom will be so hurt. I need to reread plan B and do it all. It's like I'm doing half and half. I did tell his sister in law I could not talk to her right now, even though we are so close b/c I have to get myself out of this drama.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
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Your family will be your biggest supporters. Do not be ashamed, you did nothing wrong. You don't have to give all of the dirty details but your family should be made aware of what you are going through. Sounds like you are doing good so far. Have you read up on Plan B?

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