Markos,
I've read your last several post twice. Thank you for taking time to write those words. My job as a husband/father is not complete... Nor will it ever be. It is a daily job I have taken for granted on more than one occasion. I have listened to the show, we both have the app on our phones, and I will make it part of my,( ours if she will) daily activities. I imagine an hour and a half long walk listening and talking together. No matter the venue, I will listen.

As to the answering of questions, I overlooked the post. We have both read the books, listened to the show and discussed our LB's and EN's. I haven't stopped traveling, but it has slowed. She and the girls have even accompanied me on several trips. We( the entire family, parents from both sides and my sister-in-law) just returned from a trip..... It was on that trip, I made the discovery. Hours of conversations insued. I know I had some LB's that day, and I'm sure it impacted her deeper than those 16 months ago. I've asked for her forgiveness for those, as has she for keeping and hiding the screen shot from me.

As for the CoC, it is her belief that she is guilt laden.... I believe in Grace... I don't deserve it, so I can not withhold it from her. I've spent many evenings letting her know that she is forgiven.... I now view this as a falling off the wagon event.

We are back to work on our marriage.

TTS, is she willing to do the necessary things to recover your marriage? And what is being done about your traveling job?

ML,
She says she is....and she said that a year ago.

The job is set for another 6 months. My income can not be replaced easily. I don't know if that means we will fail or if it means our chances of failure are raised.... I will start to look for alternative careers, and will limit my travels the best I can until then.

Do you have a plan lined out for recovery? For example, do you have the workbook, the books, etc? How is your UA time?

What is your plan exactly? Having no plan is a plan to fail.

And I would implore you to look for another job. You can't recover your marriage if you travel. Being apart is extremely hard on good marriages. Your marriage can't withstand that.

Tex,

She is going to have to throw herself into the marriage whole heartedly. She can't be a fish in some areas and work in others. She needs to go all in or be all out. I still get the feeling she is fence riding, brother.

We have the books. We have set up time this Saturday to be alone to discuss our plan. She is moving towards MB. I'm going to read SAA again....

I will reintroduce my EP's.

There is no need for another NC letter, but I will ask her for her commitment.

She admitted today they she started looking around the holidays, with no luck. Went months in between searches, all from her work computer. He is off line, I've looked the past 3 days as well and have come up empty. She doesn't know why she looks.... I think I've seen this from other WW's. he is an addiction, and my failures in her EN's has led her to have a wondering mind. She still and has always said, she never thought of leaving me or the family. My thought is he was a new admirer.... There was no good-bye, no closure for her... so her mind wonders off to him.

Any WW's out there who may have stumbled along the path???

The job hunt is on.

Do you have access to her work computer? Since this has been a recurring problem, I would arrange to get complete access to that computer. If you can't do that, she should strongly consider getting a job where she can't do this anymore.

Did you speak to the OMW to see if contact has resumed?


Some have, but it is very, very rare to see one stumbling this far out from D-Day with absolutely no plan in place.


I think the reasons would be your separations due to your traveling job and a complete lack of extraordinary precautions. Since there are no EPs in place, she is free to seek out the OM and other men on her computer.

TTS, I don't want to do a "I told ya so" but...

Back in Nov I strongly suspected one-sided or ongoing contacted and recommended you put a key logger on the computer and asked you about her phone. You emphatically stated that "OM is out of the picture".

I hope you realize that the rest of the program WON'T work if there is ANY contact AT ALL. She cannot be allowed unfettered computer/internet access, I hope you realize that now.

Was the picture deleted? If not, you can look at the "details" of the picture (usually when viewing the picture there is a more or details option) sometimes you have to hit the menu key when viewing the screenshot but there is always a time stamp.

My understanding is this affair was also conducted on FB and she is still on FB, which TTS was told was a HORRIBLE idea.

TTS, she has never come close to coming out of the fog. In her mind the door is wide open for contact to resume and even looking at the screenshot of the contact that they had shows you how strong the addiction is. Who keeps/looks at a screenshot of a conversation they had with someone? A wayward, that's who -- it's another hit off the crack pipe.

I think it would be a big mistake to bring her here until you have had verifiable NC for a number of weeks/months (key loggers on ANY internet access she has -- work, home, phone -- might be necessary to just take all of this away). Even then, her entitled mindset of all these months of being enabled might be hard to crack...

Luvs how are you? Please update

BrainHurts,
Thank you for the link. I have read it and will read it again...
I understand her urges.... I've had urges to look at or contact Ex-girl friends as well. I can only assume the strength of those urges increases once EA or PA has started.

Are you and you BH/WH working the program? If so, for how long??

My WH has had to learn about proper boundaries. He finally understands what a boundary is and that having OS relationships are dangerous. We have had to put extra, extra EPs in place. Dr. H told me that my WH will have to find a job with me on the same shift, so we have and also live a completely transparent life.

If your WW isn't willing to follow EPs and live transparent and is still "looking at OM's picture or emails" she's still having contact and will remain wayward.

We are also a blended family and so we have another set of challenges.

Have been on the show a few times. We own almost all of Dr. H's books, listen and re-listen to the radio show and practice POJA and POUA.

Looking up or remaining in contact with EXs are no boundaries.

Tex, what is your plan of action from here?

CV

We are reading SAA, working on alone time. I'm working on not being judgemental and holding my tonge when upset. She is still not fully in to my SF. I'm in for a long 6 months, but I'm willing.

How's it going?

We spent a couple of nights out last week. We are getting along well. She came down with a severe head cold on Friday, so the weekend was a lot of me serving her. I did all I could around the house; laundry, cooked, cleaned DD bedroom and played with DD's. I go from frustrated ( no SF ) to hopeful. I listen to the radio show each day.

I told my 14 year old son this and I have allways believed it also, and it has proven true...

"Now you are at the age were you will be pressured socially to have sex, yes even by those angels/sweet young things you are dating, that you call Girlfriends, You know son how I break down words..to the basic meanings, and girl-friends doesn't escape that dissection.. "Freinds" is the word we are talking about.

When your 30 son you will understand its that part of your relationship, that makes even sex, important."

So TTS, what is missing from your relationship is the spiritual bond of closeness that friendship is supposed to have, trust, honesty..need I go on? Wetting your winky should be last on your list of needs IMO, but that's just my opinion.

I know the difference, and know what your feeling, and missing, but she is not someone you have picked up for a night of loneliness right? Its just a dry time my friend, no pun intended


Get her into the plan here, and you will be surprised

The above is a real good point. SF for me, like you, was at the top of the list of things she would need to step up for our marriage to survive.

So 18 months later sf has been great and seemingly unforced by her and just plain great. However it has not completely erased images and at times angry moments.

Healing the trust, communication, and relationship on a spiritual level is equally if not more important.