As I said I don't agree that I am hanging on to a corpse by having minimum contact with my ds's father about drop off and pick up.

That's fine, you don't have to concoct far reaching rationalizations for me. It is your life, not mine.

I am sure you don't agree.

I really don't understand why you didn't just say this to her to begin with if that's how you really feel??

It was pointed out in my 1st post to the OP that her last thread had been regarding conflict and the stress she was experiencing with her xWH. She has been divorced for three years now and she is still going through this. You followed up with this:


This doesn't read anything like what you are now saying.

You don't mention anything about the fact that you feel your xWH is rude and bashes you, and you don't say anything about the fact that you have had to cut back to absolute minimum "business-like" contact in order to keep it civil. You have now changed your terminology of having a "civil relationship" to you need to keep it to "minimum contact".

I am sorry you feel attacked but I am surprised you can't acknowledge the inconsistencies that are going on here. I don't know if you are in denial or just really anti-Plan B after D or what?

I am not anti Plan B and I don't think I am in denial. I saw pages back that my 'civil' was being misunderstood, so I tried repeatedly to explain what I mean by civil. Thus adding other terms like minimum and business only. But as has been said to me MANY times, I am NOT in Plan B, so I said that up front in my post to avoid anyone thinking I was a Plan Ber...and yet even though I am not Plan B I do see the benefits of very minimal contact.

Methinks somebody is in serious denial here.

I don't see much of a difference in the two posts. Maybe that's because I, too, maintain minimum (civil) contact with my ex regarding our son.

Kendall, I hope you are still here reading these... And I'm sorry if it seems like everyone is being real mean; I think it's just because we all feel strongly about our lives and hate to see someone make mistakes that seem so obvious to us.

I was definitely scared to date again, because I didn't do so well the first time even though I did everything I was taught was "right" (wait for marriage, wait til you got out of school, date a couple years, etc). And I still ended up marrying a man who almost destroyed my physical and mental health.

Reading through this site and going through some after divorce courses (I'm hesitant to list even though I didn't see an MB have a post-divorce program on the website since we're not supposed to list outside resources) really helped me realign myself and get my head screwed on straight.

One thing I would add is to look at why you don't to let him take any of the blame. When I read your post I felt like you were taking all the blame. Am I reading you right? Even if you were a bad wife, the blame wouldn't ALL be yours. I can understand looking at your errors, cleaning up your side of the street, but have you also put blame on him where it is rightfully due?

Wish you the best!

DTC

Actually there is a huge difference because she was using her own situation as a model, which is to avoid Plan B at all cost. You might have "civil" communications with your XH but she does not. Divorced people are rarely "civil" and not SW - or anyone else - has any control over that.

When people come here with this problem, the MB answer is to recommend Plan B. That is so clearly the best path that it just can't be argued. Anyone who would argue against it clearly doesn't care about the poster and I think that is obvious here.

No one cares if a person does or doesn't go into Plan B after divorce, but when a new poster in need has this problem, we need to be giving her MB advice, and not tortured personal "solutions" that don't even work for ourselves. That is not fair to anyone coming here seeking help. After all, the sign on the door says "Marriage Builders."


It is mean to give people bad advice, especially when that advice does not even work for yourself. People feel very strongly about bad advice being given to unsuspecting posters. That is not fair to anyone.

Again, yes I do. I have not had civil communications every second of the 4 years since D day, but I have had most of the past 2 years. Yes, there have been a few times since then when I let my guard down and didn't keep it minimal or civil or whatever, but yes I do maintain a civil relationship with my XH. And I have NEVER been against Plan B at all cost. You are again misrepresenting me.

But your words don't match your actions. We can see your communications for ourselves, SW. They are not civil, nor do you have any control over that. Having "minimal" contact does not prevent your husband from being uncivil. And yes, you have always been against Plan B.

You see the times I have let my guard down and posted that I was upset by him when I tried to be something other than civil/minimal/business like. Naturally I don't post the boring civil business like interactions that comprise the majority of our interactions for the last 2 years. And of course I can't control my XH but he stays civil when I keep the interactions minimal and business like.

And No I have never been against Plan B. I am against the strong arming that I have witnessed on this board when someone chooses to not do Plan B. But I am not against Plan B. I see that it has worked for many people. And that is great.

Strangely, we don't see posts like that from those in Plan B. They are not "upset" by their X's because they don't have contact. What I do see is a woman who imagines she can control her XH's behavior and just can't let go.


Yet you encouraged the very distraught starter of this thread to maintain "minimal contact" by posting your own experience. Of course you didn't tell her how bad it has really been. Which is very typical of you.

Let's please keep this thead on track! We are here to promote Marriage Builders concepts. If you cannot support this poster with Marriage Builders concepts, please refrain from posting!

Thanks MBSeasons! Sorry for the threadjack, Kendall, I thought it was important for you to see the downside of not following MB concepts. It is not pretty!

EDIT

So sorry! We were posting at the same time.

Hinting to someone who is struggling with issues related to communicating the ex (three years post D I might add) that maintaining contact and being "civil" for the sake of the children is the exact opposite of encouraging Plan B.

It is actually an anti-PB/PP sentiment -- because children do "better" when the parents are emotionally healthy and the children are not being subjected to conflict/tension etc.

One of the frustrating parts of going into Plan B for me were these types of comments I received from people. I posted about this in the parallel parenting thread:


In fact, my uncle my uncle said this to me. This same uncle who divorced his WW several years before me and during the D process had an altercation with his WW wherein the police were called to the house -- all in front of the children. This same uncle who years after the D still will complain on and on and on about his xWW to anyone who will listen. Because he has to maintain contact for the sake of the children? Old school thinking. This is exactly what they taught in us about PP during our divorce class.

Kendall, if you are still with us, no one is trying to be "mean" as has been suggested. Sometimes topics can get heated, and the reason some of us in Plan B are pretty passionate about it is because we have been on BOTH sides and know how much peace and relief and healing it can bring.