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The thing is that you can't make your spouse regret things and change their decisions you can only control your actions and behaviour in the hope that it will effect the fantasy land they are in when they are having an affair.

It's like waywards become figurines in a snow globe, they are in a fantasy bubble, they can see the world outside but it's distorted. Exposure is the bullet that shatters the snow globe and brakes up this fantasy land helping them see more clearly. Your job is to be on the other side helping them back to reality but ultimately the decision to come back to reality is theirs and theirs alone.

What is stopping you from exposing? If you believe he is set on divorce you have nothing to loose.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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lacole Offline OP
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I am exposing...can't get to everyone in one day....I have done quite abit already...

And to a previous poster, our romantic life was great, sex life great , or so I thought...he won't talk to me about the affair so I have no idea why it happened.. Emotional I guess. His self esteem is low at times, this young girl came in and made him feel smart, funny and attractive. He only showed her the parts he wanted, where I had seen everything, good and bad, over 30 years.

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There is only one reason affairs happen and that's low boundaries.

If you don't put boundaries in place anyone is supceptible to an affair.

There are people with perfect spouses who have affairs because they didn't protect themselves against them. For example opposite sex friendships can Easley escalate into affairs, if you spend nights apart there are opportunities for an affair, if you are discuss your marital issues with a person of the opposite sex that's an invitation for an affair.



BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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lacole Offline OP
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Why after two weeks had he not apologized? Or say down and talked about it wth me?

We have been married for 21 years, total of 30.
3 kids....don't at the least I deserve that?

We have only communicated through text. He avoids my questions, spins them or brushes them off.

The affair was hurtful enough, now this..

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Lacole,
either you are in plan A, or in plan B.
In plan A you are the ideal wife and be easy to get along with to remind him how good life could be with you.
In plan B you have no contact with him at all. If the only contact yyou have with him is via text, plan A might not be a viable option and you should move to plan B.

How to plan B.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787

how to write a plan B letter.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558482


me, DH
all the children
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lacole Offline OP
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I'm so angry and hurt...it's been almost 3 weeks since I discovered my husbands affair and he refuses to discuss it and won't apologize.

I don't want to hear right now that I should be in plan A or B. I have been married for 21 years, 3 kids, buried a son and both our moms an he can't even look me in the eye and apologize!!

I had an affair 15 years ago and he punished me for 15 years. Reminded me all the time and never let me forget what I did. Now that te show is on the other foot, he doesn't want to talk about and tells me instead to focus on the state I our marriage and not his affair.

He is still seeing the OW and continues to justify it to himself. I hate him for hurting me, hate him for punishing me for years only to do exactly the same thing he punished me for!!

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Sadly the mindset of such things is "I have the green light to do it since YOU did it. And mine was caused by yours so I am not guilty AT ALL!"


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by lacole
I don't want to hear right now that I should be in plan A or B

So do you want to hear about Dr. Harley's MB plan to recovering from infidelity?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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lacole Offline OP
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I get his mindset, he needs to justify it. But doesn't mean it hurts any less or it's ok that he is with the OW.

He did some pretty awful things to me over the years and used my affair as his get out of jail free card. Always looking down in me and reminding me who the honest and faithful one was...

He doesn't care that I'm hurting now, doesn't think he needs to answer questions or apologize.

I know I need to focus on me, but I hope he is miserable regrets it one day. He is loosing his marriage, family, nothing will be the same for him....I hope the OW is worth it....

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Did you expose? Are you having him leave?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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lacole Offline OP
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Yes and yes.

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Originally Posted by lacole
Yes and yes.
When will he be leaving?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Lacole, it sounds like you need to get into plan b soon. Remove yourself from the equation and you will start to feel better. A wayward will not apologize when they are still foggy and making justifications. Write a plan b letter telling him that you would be willing to work on having a romantic and safe marriage but only if he will go no contact with the ow for life and agrees to follow the MB program.

Also, stop blaming yourself for his affair. Whether you had had one or not, his loose boundaries would have still gotten him involved with someone else and he would be blaming you for it anyway. That's what they do.

Stop floundering. What are you doing to go into plan b?

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***EDIT***
Sin is sin, so his behavior is NOT accpetable.

***EDIT***
Your only hope is MB

***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 11/21/13 09:29 AM. Reason: TOS: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts
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lacole Offline OP
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Firstly, I have owed my affair 100% for the past 15 years. Never blamed soneobe else, answered his questions, talked about it whenever H wanted to..anything to make him feel better. I offered marriage counciling many times over the years and he refused...he chose no sex for 5 years, not me. I did not sweep this u see the rug, I wanted more then anything to do whatever we could to make it better and he chose not to...

What he did discover over the past 15 years is that he got use for himself out of my affair. He used it against me over and over, excusing his own bad choices and hurts. He never had to own his own stuff cause he always said his hurts were never worse then what I did...if he truly forgave me, he would not have been able to remind me of my affair over the years, he wouldn't have a "get out of free jail card" for life....I allowed him to hurt me for years because I thought I deserved it for what I did...

I don't expect to be coddled and come across as a victim,
We both made our choices, but how we each handled them is very different.

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Lacole, I would just ignore locard. He/she has only posted 5 times and only to make waves by the looks of how many times he's been edited!

How are you doing?


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***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 11/21/13 09:31 AM. Reason: TOS: disruptive
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A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. Please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting to others in need. Thank you


ToujoursMB@gmail.com
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lacole Offline OP
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How am I doing?
Good days an bad...

Still even today, as my H continues with his affair and considering all if his baggage from that past 21 years, he continues to put me down and insult me. Judging my character?? What is wrong with this person??

Is he deflecting? Why is he putting me down??? Insult me??

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Originally Posted by lacole
How am I doing?
Good days an bad...

Still even today, as my H continues with his affair and considering all if his baggage from that past 21 years, he continues to put me down and insult me. Judging my character?? What is wrong with this person??

Is he deflecting? Why is he putting me down??? Insult me??

Actually, what he's doing is called projection. He knows deep down what he's doing is wrong and goes against everything he used to subscribe to. But now that he's neck deep in the crap that he used to abhor, in order to justify his actions, he has to find an 'reason' for them. And that reason is you. He needs justification.

But it's really not you. Right now, you're nothing more than his mirror image. In order for his mind to accept what he is doing, he has to find a target for his aggression and actions, because he can't accept that what he is doing wrong is by his own hand and his only. He knows he's wrong, but it has to be someone else's fault.....not his. That's you.

The way I see it, the more you argue with him about it when he does it, the more justification you are giving him (in his mind anyway) that what he is doing must be okay because of the way you're acting....not him.

Have you noticed that every single thing he's 'accused' you of is the exact same thing he's already completely guilty of?

Like I said....you're his mirror.

Hope this makes a little bit of sense. I'm not as good at putting my thoughts in writing as most here.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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