Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 8
P
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 8
Writer1: This is an interesting disclaimer from the home page of the site itself...

The content of all posts and comments on Shesahomewrecker.com represent the opinions of the original poster and are not endorsed, approved or representations of the opinions of Shesahomewrecker.com or its owners. This site may contain adult language and adult concepts. If you are offended by the content please do not visit Shesahomewrecker.com. Shesahomewrecker.com is all about gossip and satire. The content of the posts and comments published contain rumors, speculation, assumptions, factual information and opinions. Some posts or comments may contain inaccurate or erroneous information. Discerning the validity of information, whether found here or elsewhere, is the responsibility of the individual.

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
Originally Posted By: 20YearHistory
Nothing wrong with taking a break! I do believe it can trigger folks. It has me many times.
I'm glad you keep coming back. New posters need to see real life success stories and talk to people who have survived using MB. That's what keeps me here, knowing that I can help others see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Todays episode of The Test on Fox Channel, had an affairage where the man left his wife and son for a woman 10 years younger.
The son became a drug addict.
The show host is trying to intervene and get him into treatment.

I know that drug use is a matter of personal responsibility HOWEVER if this selfish man had not left his family then maybe this young mans path would have taken different turns.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
Originally Posted By: mrEureka
Originally Posted By: 20YearHistory
Nothing wrong with taking a break! I do believe it can trigger folks. It has me many times.
I'm glad you keep coming back. New posters need to see real life success stories and talk to people who have survived using MB. That's what keeps me here, knowing that I can help others see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.



That is the only reason I come back. There is hope. People CAN R their marriages after an A.
Couples CAN fall back in love and move toward a better tomorrow!

But I my case, I really don't think that would have been possible for us without MB.

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
JK,

HOWEVER if this selfish man had not left his family then maybe this young mans path would have taken different turns.

I was in a choir awhile back and one of the other members was friends with a prison guard, the prison guard told him that his staying with his wife would almost certainly keep his children out of jail. "because ain't nobody in jail has two parents"

God Bless
Gamma

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Originally Posted By: markos


writer the biggest problem I see is that Dr. Harley advises a wife to go into Plan B when her husband will not do what it takes to recover their marriage, and you've entered the opposite situation, languishing for years. That has to take a terrible toll on your emotional health.

What happened to the initiative you guys had to get into the online program and finally get some help? Your situation should NEVER have focused on adultery for five years. Your thread has never in my memory been about adultery or your past affair. It's all been about moving forward. Move, my friend. MOVE.

Instead of dwelling on infidelity, follow the plan for recovering a broken marriage. That is a choice you make and has nothing to do with this exposure site. People writing and talking about this exposure website are not preventing you from choosing to follow the plan for fixing your marriage. I really think the biggest problem is that your husband has not gotten on board and has only given lip service for short time intervals.


This might be part of the problem. The thing is, my marriage isn't really bad. My husband isn't abusive. He doesn't commit a whole lot of LB's. He isn't having an affair. There's nothing really to justify Plan B.

My marriage is just sort of so-so. In some ways, it's fine. We have UA time and when we go out, we have fun. Some needs are being met, some aren't. I think my H does a pretty good job with RC and DS, and sometimes the Conversation is fulfilling, sometimes, not so much. Some needs, mostly SF and FS, aren't being met adequately (with SF, it literally isn't being met at all, since we really haven't had any in years). There aren't enough needs being met for me to be passionately in love with my husband, but there isn't anything really terrible going on that would compel me to leave.

So, yes, I limp along in some land that exists between a happy marriage and Plan B/Divorce. And it does make me want to focus on other areas of my life, to look for something that will bring me a greater fulfillment. For me, that's always been my writing, which is the thing I've been neglecting for a long time. I would also like to get involved in some other causes - mostly involving nature and environmental activism - which I feel very strongly about. I'm feeling an urge to have more meaning in my life at this point, and I want to dedicate more time and energy to that.

I think this is a great site. I commend the people here who spend so much time helping others. I just don't know if I'm capable of being one of them at this point.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 656
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 656
Originally Posted By: writer1
Originally Posted By: markos


writer the biggest problem I see is that Dr. Harley advises a wife to go into Plan B when her husband will not do what it takes to recover their marriage, and you've entered the opposite situation, languishing for years. That has to take a terrible toll on your emotional health.

What happened to the initiative you guys had to get into the online program and finally get some help? Your situation should NEVER have focused on adultery for five years. Your thread has never in my memory been about adultery or your past affair. It's all been about moving forward. Move, my friend. MOVE.

Instead of dwelling on infidelity, follow the plan for recovering a broken marriage. That is a choice you make and has nothing to do with this exposure site. People writing and talking about this exposure website are not preventing you from choosing to follow the plan for fixing your marriage. I really think the biggest problem is that your husband has not gotten on board and has only given lip service for short time intervals.


This might be part of the problem. The thing is, my marriage isn't really bad. My husband isn't abusive. He doesn't commit a whole lot of LB's. He isn't having an affair. There's nothing really to justify Plan B.

My marriage is just sort of so-so. In some ways, it's fine. We have UA time and when we go out, we have fun. Some needs are being met, some aren't. I think my H does a pretty good job with RC and DS, and sometimes the Conversation is fulfilling, sometimes, not so much. Some needs, mostly SF and FS, aren't being met adequately (with SF, it literally isn't being met at all, since we really haven't had any in years). There aren't enough needs being met for me to be passionately in love with my husband, but there isn't anything really terrible going on that would compel me to leave.

So, yes, I limp along in some land that exists between a happy marriage and Plan B/Divorce. And it does make me want to focus on other areas of my life, to look for something that will bring me a greater fulfillment. For me, that's always been my writing, which is the thing I've been neglecting for a long time. I would also like to get involved in some other causes - mostly involving nature and environmental activism - which I feel very strongly about. I'm feeling an urge to have more meaning in my life at this point, and I want to dedicate more time and energy to that.

I think this is a great site. I commend the people here who spend so much time helping others. I just don't know if I'm capable of being one of them at this point.


Writer - I am so saddened by this post. Your marriage sounds just shy of unbearable and you're just accepting it even knowing from this board how wonderful and possible a rewarding marriage is. Why would you or anyone want to live like that? Why would you show your kids day in and day out that this is what marriage is? Don't you want more for them? I ask without malice; I just don't understand.


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

S - 13
S - 10
D - 8
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Originally Posted By: tccoastguard

Writer - I am so saddened by this post. Your marriage sounds just shy of unbearable and you're just accepting it even knowing from this board how wonderful and possible a rewarding marriage is. Why would you or anyone want to live like that? Why would you show your kids day in and day out that this is what marriage is? Don't you want more for them? I ask without malice; I just don't understand.


That's the thing though, it isn't unbearable. It may not be ideal, but it isn't intolerable either.

And really, I can't imagine not being married to my H at this point. We've been together for a very long time. I've lost most of my family in the past year - my mother, my grandmother. My adult children are off doing their own thing and most of them don't live nearby, so while I talk to them on the phone a lot, I don't see them much. Other than my H, the only family I still see on a daily basis is my 5-year-old. I don't think I would be happier if I were to get a divorce and be a single mother to a 5-year-old. I have very few friends. I'm a writer, so my work is almost always done in isolation. It seems that getting a divorce would only make my loneliness worse.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted By: writer1
Originally Posted By: tccoastguard

Writer - I am so saddened by this post. Your marriage sounds just shy of unbearable and you're just accepting it even knowing from this board how wonderful and possible a rewarding marriage is. Why would you or anyone want to live like that? Why would you show your kids day in and day out that this is what marriage is? Don't you want more for them? I ask without malice; I just don't understand.


That's the thing though, it isn't unbearable. It may not be ideal, but it isn't intolerable either.

And really, I can't imagine not being married to my H at this point. We've been together for a very long time. I've lost most of my family in the past year - my mother, my grandmother. My adult children are off doing their own thing and most of them don't live nearby, so while I talk to them on the phone a lot, I don't see them much. Other than my H, the only family I still see on a daily basis is my 5-year-old. I don't think I would be happier if I were to get a divorce and be a single mother to a 5-year-old. I have very few friends. I'm a writer, so my work is almost always done in isolation. It seems that getting a divorce would only make my loneliness worse.


Yeah I remember thinking like that. I'm actually really glad in some ways that my marriage went from so-so (the saddest description of marriage possible!) to intolerable because it forced me to do something.

Things don't limp along and stay the same forever. That isn't how anything in nature works. Things get better or they get worse. You either get the limp fixed or you will lose the leg.

It struck me that there is a lot of guilt in your posts about this homewrecker site, Writer. Instead of viewing it as a place where it might factually report the A, you turned it into a mental vision of public stocks for women in enforced clothes of scarlet. A vision of your own guilt. Instead of a palce where it might say 'Writer did x to my marriage on x date', you made it so much bigger and more insulting than that in your mind.

In your mind it 'forever distinguishes you', in your mind people see you with a scarlet letter. You see the A as something which clothes you, defines you in other people's eyes - it means you are not worthy of happiness.

You are. Of course you are. You are someone who is capable of admitting, owning and fully acknowledging the mistakes of the past and weaving the lessons into a brighter future. You do not have to stay trapped and stuck and you do not have to feel guilty and undeserving forever.

I wish you believed in your own worth.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,313
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,313
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: writer1
Originally Posted By: markos


writer the biggest problem I see is that Dr. Harley advises a wife to go into Plan B when her husband will not do what it takes to recover their marriage, and you've entered the opposite situation, languishing for years. That has to take a terrible toll on your emotional health.

What happened to the initiative you guys had to get into the online program and finally get some help? Your situation should NEVER have focused on adultery for five years. Your thread has never in my memory been about adultery or your past affair. It's all been about moving forward. Move, my friend. MOVE.

Instead of dwelling on infidelity, follow the plan for recovering a broken marriage. That is a choice you make and has nothing to do with this exposure site. People writing and talking about this exposure website are not preventing you from choosing to follow the plan for fixing your marriage. I really think the biggest problem is that your husband has not gotten on board and has only given lip service for short time intervals.


This might be part of the problem. The thing is, my marriage isn't really bad. My husband isn't abusive. He doesn't commit a whole lot of LB's. He isn't having an affair. There's nothing really to justify Plan B.

My marriage is just sort of so-so. In some ways, it's fine. We have UA time and when we go out, we have fun. Some needs are being met, some aren't. I think my H does a pretty good job with RC and DS, and sometimes the Conversation is fulfilling, sometimes, not so much. Some needs, mostly SF and FS, aren't being met adequately (with SF, it literally isn't being met at all, since we really haven't had any in years). There aren't enough needs being met for me to be passionately in love with my husband, but there isn't anything really terrible going on that would compel me to leave.

So, yes, I limp along in some land that exists between a happy marriage and Plan B/Divorce. And it does make me want to focus on other areas of my life, to look for something that will bring me a greater fulfillment. For me, that's always been my writing, which is the thing I've been neglecting for a long time. I would also like to get involved in some other causes - mostly involving nature and environmental activism - which I feel very strongly about. I'm feeling an urge to have more meaning in my life at this point, and I want to dedicate more time and energy to that.

I think this is a great site. I commend the people here who spend so much time helping others. I just don't know if I'm capable of being one of them at this point.


writer,

I never saw an answer to markos's question.

Whatever happened to signing up for the online program?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What a thoughtful, insightful post, indiegirl. hug


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Originally Posted By: indiegirl


Yeah I remember thinking like that. I'm actually really glad in some ways that my marriage went from so-so (the saddest description of marriage possible!) to intolerable because it forced me to do something.

Things don't limp along and stay the same forever. That isn't how anything in nature works. Things get better or they get worse. You either get the limp fixed or you will lose the leg.

It struck me that there is a lot of guilt in your posts about this homewrecker site, Writer. Instead of viewing it as a place where it might factually report the A, you turned it into a mental vision of public stocks for women in enforced clothes of scarlet. A vision of your own guilt. Instead of a palce where it might say 'Writer did x to my marriage on x date', you made it so much bigger and more insulting than that in your mind.

In your mind it 'forever distinguishes you', in your mind people see you with a scarlet letter. You see the A as something which clothes you, defines you in other people's eyes - it means you are not worthy of happiness.

You are. Of course you are. You are someone who is capable of admitting, owning and fully acknowledging the mistakes of the past and weaving the lessons into a brighter future. You do not have to stay trapped and stuck and you do not have to feel guilty and undeserving forever.

I wish you believed in your own worth.


Thank you Indie. A lot to mull over. For me, I think this sense of worthlessness goes much further back than my own affair. I think I've always felt this way. It goes with the territory of being raised by an unrepentant OW who saw herself as the victim in her affair right up until the day she died. I know it does no good to blame our childhoods for our current problems, intellectually I do know this, but emotionally, well that's another matter.

The entire time I was growing up, I was the closet skeleton, the dirty little secret. Whenever my mom brought me to see my dad - in bars or clubs where he played in a band, at the park during his lunch hour for his day job, when he'd show up in the middle of the night after playing a gig to see her - I was never allowed to ask questions. When my friends asked me about my dad, I wasn't allowed to tell them the truth. I always knew my very existence was a bad thing. It takes a toll on a person's psyche being raised in that type of environment. I grew up shy, quiet, introverted, lonely, ashamed.

I realize now that none of that was my fault. I realize it intellectually, at least. But I just can't figure out how to internalize it emotionally. I still feel like I have to hide my true self from the world, because that's what I was always told to do from the day I was born.

And then I had an affair too, and my mother's biggest threat, that I would grow up to be just like her, came true. I've spent five years trying to figure out how to deal with that. Some days, I think I'm making progress. Other days, I'm not so sure.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
I'm sorry that you had such a terrible childhood.
The Bible promises that when we turn our life over to Christ, we are made new...that our sins which once were stained red scarlett are now white as snow.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted By: writer1
I still feel like I have to hide my true self from the world, because that's what I was always told to do from the day I was born..


The real reason you are lonely is that you have decided to be.

You do have friends - us. But we can't put our arms in your arms, our legs in your legs and MAKE you live.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: writer1
Originally Posted By: markos


writer the biggest problem I see is that Dr. Harley advises a wife to go into Plan B when her husband will not do what it takes to recover their marriage, and you've entered the opposite situation, languishing for years. That has to take a terrible toll on your emotional health.

What happened to the initiative you guys had to get into the online program and finally get some help? Your situation should NEVER have focused on adultery for five years. Your thread has never in my memory been about adultery or your past affair. It's all been about moving forward. Move, my friend. MOVE.

Instead of dwelling on infidelity, follow the plan for recovering a broken marriage. That is a choice you make and has nothing to do with this exposure site. People writing and talking about this exposure website are not preventing you from choosing to follow the plan for fixing your marriage. I really think the biggest problem is that your husband has not gotten on board and has only given lip service for short time intervals.


This might be part of the problem. The thing is, my marriage isn't really bad. My husband isn't abusive. He doesn't commit a whole lot of LB's. He isn't having an affair. There's nothing really to justify Plan B.

My marriage is just sort of so-so. In some ways, it's fine. We have UA time and when we go out, we have fun. Some needs are being met, some aren't. I think my H does a pretty good job with RC and DS, and sometimes the Conversation is fulfilling, sometimes, not so much. Some needs, mostly SF and FS, aren't being met adequately (with SF, it literally isn't being met at all, since we really haven't had any in years). There aren't enough needs being met for me to be passionately in love with my husband, but there isn't anything really terrible going on that would compel me to leave.

So, yes, I limp along in some land that exists between a happy marriage and Plan B/Divorce. And it does make me want to focus on other areas of my life, to look for something that will bring me a greater fulfillment. For me, that's always been my writing, which is the thing I've been neglecting for a long time. I would also like to get involved in some other causes - mostly involving nature and environmental activism - which I feel very strongly about. I'm feeling an urge to have more meaning in my life at this point, and I want to dedicate more time and energy to that.

I think this is a great site. I commend the people here who spend so much time helping others. I just don't know if I'm capable of being one of them at this point.


writer,

I never saw an answer to markos's question.

Whatever happened to signing up for the online program?


Would you please answer this?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
While it seems like this thread got a little off track, I wanted to post why I put kiss' AP on this website.

I had confronted and warned her a few times to stay away from my husband and causing problems for my family. Verbally and in person. She did not listen. She was exposed to her job, and continued. She had many chances to stop destroying lives and did not. To me, she is a dangerous person. I exposed her on this site so that other women know that. The next time she is messing with a married man (and she will, I'm sure) the BW will have that info.

Had she shown any remorse, regret, or anything beyond pure selfishness, had she EVER offered an apology for eternally damaging me, I MIGHT have thought twice about it. But she didn't. She is learning a life lesson.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen
While it seems like this thread got a little off track, I wanted to post why I put kiss' AP on this website.

I had confronted and warned her a few times to stay away from my husband and causing problems for my family. Verbally and in person. She did not listen. She was exposed to her job, and continued. She had many chances to stop destroying lives and did not. To me, she is a dangerous person. I exposed her on this site so that other women know that. The next time she is messing with a married man (and she will, I'm sure) the BW will have that info.

Had she shown any remorse, regret, or anything beyond pure selfishness, had she EVER offered an apology for eternally damaging me, I MIGHT have thought twice about it. But she didn't. She is learning a life lesson.



Understandable, I don't think you need to explain yourself, at all, RQ. Good job!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts

writer,

I never saw an answer to markos's question.

Whatever happened to signing up for the online program?


We talked about it that one time and my husband didn't seem opposed to the idea. But he hasn't brought it up since and no action has been taken. I guess I'm just tired of always having to be the one who does everything. I think I'm getting to the point where I don't really care anymore.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: writer1
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts

writer,

I never saw an answer to markos's question.

Whatever happened to signing up for the online program?


We talked about it that one time and my husband didn't seem opposed to the idea. But he hasn't brought it up since and no action has been taken. I guess I'm just tired of always having to be the one who does everything. I think I'm getting to the point where I don't really care anymore.


This is why many of us have pushed you to separate. Neglect is traumatic, especially for women, and IS a reason for separation.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Originally Posted By: Prisca

This is why many of us have pushed you to separate. Neglect is traumatic, especially for women, and IS a reason for separation.


I guess what I'm trying to figure out is what constitutes neglect. I know according to MB standards, my H would be considered neglectful. But by other standards, we actually spend far more time together alone doing things than almost any other couple I know in real life. MB isn't the standard for most of the marriages I see, and yet, they don't end in divorce. My friends who only go out a date with their husbands once a month, or maybe even once a year, would consider me insane if I told them my husband was being neglectful because he only takes me out once or twice a week.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (WierdSituation, 1 invisible), 19 guests, and 94 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Brad344, Bobbyboy341, Steve123, kenmw, lawenda
71,695 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,668
Members71,696
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5