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Ah Writer,

All the good arguments have been made about how you shouldn't do the "blackmail" thing as we can call it.

I doubt your H will or would approve either.

I will just add my name to the list because you don't need money that bad to get that desparate.

Is your other son who is staying with you able to contribute to supporting the home?

How is your MIL or is it your Mom that has been sick? Is there any help from those living with her? I forgot thier story.

You have survived this long without help from those other guys. Help that you deserve yes, but you guys are not beggars.

Don't sacrifice the permanent on the alter of the immediate writer. You have proven that you can survive and love these children without those losers help, and you can bet that those children will remember your example someday.

Don't sell out

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Writer 1- I understand your dilemma, however did OM not paying CS cause this situation before you ? Did OM not paying CS cause the current financial situation? I just think opening this door would potentially destroy two families. Who is to say he would not take you to court and drag this out more so than u ever imagined. In addition, there are a lot of unknowns. For me it seems that you have more to lose if your only reason for contacting him is because of your current financial situation. this could have been the situation if you were receiving CS....then what.

Can u take out a loan from the bank? Or See if ATTY will put you on a
payment plan?

I don't think CS will solve the underlying problem.

I know you will do what is BEST for your family!!;)


I know you will do what is best for you and your family;)

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CP: My mom broke her foot two months ago and has been living off $83 a month disability ever since. It isn't even enough to cover her insurance. She's trying to get on Medi-Cal, but the paperwork takes forever to go through. My MIL is working, but my FIL has been out of work for 2 years now. He's pretty much resigned himself to early retirement, even though they can't afford it.

Beth: Our financial woes began when the OC was born and I lost my job as a substitute teacher. We just haven't been able to make it on one income and I can't find a job in the area that pays enough to even cover the cost of daycare, let alone have anything left over afterwards. We were looking at having to file bankruptcy and facing the possibility of losing our home long before my son's current financial difficulties. So yes, most of our financial problems (other than the current need for $5000) are directly related to the birth of our OC.

We cannot get any sort of loan. Our credit is terrible at this point. We are on a payment plan of sorts with the attorney, but the plan involves us paying him $850 a month, which is about a third of my H's take home pay. We just don't have enough left over to cover everything else. We are not going to be able to pay our mortgage this month for sure. It's already late. Once you fall behind on a mortgage, it's very difficult to get back on track. I'm worried about what we will do if we lose the house. Our mortgage is much less than the average rent for our area. We won't be able to find anything we can afford that will be big enough for our family. It's very scary facing the possibility of being homeless. We don't have any family who could take all of us in. I certainly don't want to get to the point where I'm raising the baby in a homeless shelter, which seems like a possibility at this point.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I'm so tired of all this. I just cannot deal with it anymore.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer,

I still have vivid memories, from 5th grade, of giving my adoptive father some of the money I had saved, while on vacation ,when he ran out. Meanwhile my biological father was living well and my biological mother was suffering in poverty. Money isn't everything but it does help, especially if your life sucks one way or the other.

Expose to his ex-wife, the implied threat of exposure to his daughters and current woman, will bring him to the table. Get a monthly CS settlement, your child will thank you later.

This needs to done through the courts so he can't slip out.

God Bless
Gamma



Last edited by Gamma; 07/20/10 03:31 PM.
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Gamma,

In some ways, I'm actually starting to agree. My oldest son wants to go to film school. It's a full time program that won't allow you to work while you attend, and he can't get enough grant/loan money to cover both the tuition and living expenses and we can't help him. So, he's stuck with a dead-end job working at Starbucks and no ability to support himself. His bio dad never paid a cent in child support. I will forever wonder if his life could have been different if I had pursued that.

So, on the one hand, I don't want my OC to end up in a similar situation. Given our finances, my H and I almost certainly won't be able to afford to send her to college. Heck, I don't even know if we'll have a place to live by this time next year.

On the other hand, there is the issue of visitation/custody that may arise if I get a CS order from the OM. I don't really think he'd be interested in it, but who knows. He made it pretty clear he didn't want anything to do with the situation. And, he lives 3000 miles away, so I have no idea how such a thing would even work. You can't very well stick a 2-year old on a plane by herself.

My H is very WILLING to support the OC and accept her as his own child, the problem is, right now at least, he simply isn't ABLE to do it. I know his intentions are good, but good intentions do not keep a roof over your head or food on the table. I'm trying to balance the ideal (keeping OM out of the picture and raising OC with my H in a stable, loving environment) with reality (my H and I can't actually afford a stable environment).


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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W1,

Ever since the scarlet letter days, the burden has fallen unequally on the women when they have an affair, while the men wander off and are forgiven.

And yes I agree OM will be happy to pay money if no other exertion is involved. My adoptive father was offered money by my biological father, but he magnanimously turned him down.....

God Bless
Gamma

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Writer, I don't think I've seen your answer to this question:
Have you checked into legal aid or pro bono work or the state being required to provide representation of a lawyer?


It's not comfortable, but could you get a job at night and let you H take care of the kids while you work?? You may not can find an ideal job, but it would be something.

Can your DD not work and help support his defense? What about your other COM? If they are grown and living at home, are they contributing to your household expenses?


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Migs: We did have a public defender before we hired the private attorney, but we were not happy with the job she was doing. Unfortunately (where we live at least) you can't request a different PD if you aren't happy with the one assigned to your case. The PD's are fine for less serious charges, but this is something that could potentially impact the rest of my son's life.

I have considered getting a night job. I used to work evenings at a bookstore, but they aren't hiring anymore. There really aren't many places here that are hiring. The CA economy (especially the Inland Empire, where I live) just isn't doing well.

My DD is in Alaska. She's putting herself through college completely on her own and she's working this summer to pay for that. There's no way I can ask her for $$$. We are going to start charging our 21 year old rent, since he's working and living with us, but he works at Starbucks, so he doesn't make a ton of $$$. It will help some, but it won't be nearly enough. My 18 year old is the one on home supervision, so he can't work. And my 16 year old has a slew of behavior/ADD related problems of his own.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer,

I am very sorry about your situation. But I have to agree with the majority that this is not a good idea. You would be starting a second legal battle in pursuit of a couple hundred dollars a month. They might make it retroactive and add the costs of the delivery which would just be added on to the CS in small monthly increments that he might pay off in 4-5 years. Your other option is to cozy up to him and ask him to help you because of what you "used to have". IT DOESN'T WORK!

I think you need to check with legal aid, research pro-bono work like Migs suggested. There should be other resources out there. Have a family discussion with all of your kids, how can they help the family out? Where else can you pinch, can your church help with a fund raiser? any other friends that can hold a car wash? brainstorm on all of these, bake sale at church on sunday morning, etc.


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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Fled: Well, my original inclination was more along the lines of blackmail, since OM's family doesn't know anything about the OC. I thought I might be able to get enough out of him to cover some of our immediate and dire financial needs by agreeing not to tell his ex-wife and current fiance/wife/whatever about the OC. That wouldn't involve a legal battle or playing nice-nice (quite the opposite, I would imagine).

I know, it wasn't a very nice thing to consider, but my H's family has already helped as much as they are able and with my mom being on disability, she actually needs our help right now, and I have nothing to offer.

I guess, as far as churches and fundraisers go, I'm kind of reluctant. To be honest, it's very difficult to be on the "accused" side of these issues. There is a natural inclination in people to believe the "victim" and, even though I believe in my son's innocence, and all the people who really know him do not believe he is guilty, I still feel as though we are living beneath the umbrella of a certain stigma. It's one thing to ask family to help out, but to go into the community and expect people to contribute to someone's defense when they have been accused of a very violent and terrible crime is something else. To the population at large, there is going to be this natural tendency to assume that someone who is accused of a crime is more than likely guilty. We don't attend church regularly (for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with the current situation) so I'm really not close to anyone there.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer1, what did you decide to do?


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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We took a plea bargain, at the advice of our attorney. DS 18 is now serving 4 months in juvenile hall for a crime I'm even more convinced he did not commit after witnessing the antics of the "victim" and her family in court on the day of his sentencing. After the hearing, even our attorney was starting to question his own advice, but we were already committed, so not much we could do. Going to trial is always a gamble, and we didn't want to take the chance of our son ending up in prison for possibly 8 years and having to register as a sex offender. He will be home in November. Everyday is a struggle, but we are muddling through.

I haven't contacted OM yet and I hope I won't have to. We haven't paid our house payment since April and still owe the attorney $1300. We're barely living paycheck to paycheck and don't really have much of a plan for what we're going to do once we get kicked out of the house. I'm still trying to get my H to sit down and come up with a plan. He is applying to lots of jobs around the country in areas that are less expensive to live in than So-Cal. I know he's banking on one of those coming through before we lose the house, since there's really nothing around here we can afford to rent. I'm still looking for a job as well, but there's really nothing around this area. The job market here hasn't improved at all. I think we have the second worse job market in the nation right now. I'm considering going back to school to become a licensed medical sonographer. It's something I've been interested in for awhile, but the only program near me is still waiting on its accreditation to go through, and I won't do a non-accredited program. It's a good, solid field and the program is only two years. The pay is decent and I think I would enjoy it. I would still love to teach, but it seems the teaching field isn't doing so well right now. It may be different in other areas, but in CA, there aren't many teaching jobs anymore and lots of teachers have been laid off.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Originally Posted By: writer1
When my H and I got married, I was 3 months pregnant with his baby. We were in engaged before I got pregnant and had already set the wedding date, so that isn't why we got married. We actually only have one bio child together - our 15 y/o DS. The reason I didn't walk when I found out about my H's attachment to his ex-girlfriend 1 week after our wedding was because I was pregnant and couldn't even imagine raising 4 very young children by myself. I'm pretty sure that, had there been no COM's involved and I had found out about the ex-girlfriend as soon as I did after the wedding, that I would have left. The fact that our M never really had a solid foundation and got off to such a rocky start in the first place has definitely complicated matters. We don't really have that happier time to go back to. It has been one of the most difficult aspects of trying to navigate this road to R.


Writer, you wrote this post back in 2009. I really don't see much forward movement since then. Mostly, we've heard about your trials and tribulations in your marriage that "never really had a solid foundation and got off to such a rocky start in the first place."

It doesn't sound like your marriage has EVER recovered, first from your WH's infidelity right out of the gate and then your's, with an OC as a result.

Why stay? And more importantly, why keep coming back to MB to ask for advice that you don't take (if that's your intent, rather than just to blog)?

What would you do if you weren't afraid?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted By: princessmeggy


Why stay? And more importantly, why keep coming back to MB to ask for advice that you don't take (if that's your intent, rather than just to blog)?

What would you do if you weren't afraid?


Actually, MB has helped me a lot and I have taken a lot of the advice I have received here.

When I first came here it was literally a couple of days after going NC with my OM and I wasn't at all committed to maintaining that NC. I was still very foggy and still very much believed that OM should be a part of OC's life. MB helped me realize how huge of a mistake that would be.

I have read most of the material on the site and many of Dr. Harley's books and I think I've benefited a lot from them personally. I fully agree with the concepts promoted on the site and the forum, especially POJA, the PORH, and the importance of meeting EN's and spending UA time together. But my H has never really fully embraced the program, and though we talk about it all the time, there's not much I can do to force it. UA time has been one of our biggest struggles because of issues with childcare. I think my H would be fine with just one date night a week. He says that is enough for him to feel in love with me and it seems like he doesn't quite understand why it isn't enough for me. Also, he is much more of the opinion that love should be unconditional and not necessarily based on the meeting of EN's, though he did fill out the ENQ once a long time ago.

I think the main reason I'm still in my marriage is things have never gotten quite bad enough for me to leave. They certainly aren't ideal. They could be better. I know I don't have a fully recovered MB marriage. But things aren't all bad all of the time. We do have good times. There are things about my marriage that are good. And my H is a wonderful father to OC. While most people here think the only kind of marriage that should exist is an MB marriage, most of the marriages I've witnessed in real life do not follow MB and most of them have not resulted in a divorce.

Could they be better if they did follow the MB program? Probably. But divorce isn't something I take lightly. I have been married for over 20 years. In many ways, it's difficult for me to imagine life without my H. He's been a part of my life forever. And I have no desire to date or remarry, which would necessitate getting a divorce first. If my marriage did end, I would just end up raising DD5 as a single parent, and she would end up being shuffled back and forth between two homes, which isn't ideal either.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Originally Posted By: writer1
While most people here think the only kind of marriage that should exist is an MB marriage, most of the marriages I've witnessed in real life do not follow MB and most of them have not resulted in a divorce.


I'd just say that doesn't make them successful. But you know that already. It sounds like you have decided to settle. Is that right?


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

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Originally Posted By: writer1
While most people here think the only kind of marriage that should exist is an MB marriage, most of the marriages I've witnessed in real life do not follow MB and most of them have not resulted in a divorce.


I agree most marriages do not follow MB. Because they don't know about MB. They don't understand how to fall in love again. But YOU DO. Just staying in a bad marriage is not what I would consider a "success." I would call that a failure.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: writer1


I haven't contacted OM yet and I hope I won't have to. .


Seriously Writer you don't have any right to. He didn't raise the boy and where there are no rights there are no responsibilities. This is yours and your H's responsibility no matter how tough it is.

Just think also what you'd be teaching your son if you called up an old paramour just because you needed money. A need for money does not mean a relaxing of standards. Passing the rights of your cherished child up just because you've started to find the responsibility pinches a bit also teaches your son he can't rely rely on you, or himself come to that. It must come down to find a stooge to find the money? I think pretty much any option you land on would be better.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Originally Posted By: writer1


I haven't contacted OM yet and I hope I won't have to. .


Seriously Writer you don't have any right to. He didn't raise the boy and where there are no rights there are no responsibilities. This is yours and your H's responsibility no matter how tough it is.

Just think also what you'd be teaching your son if you called up an old paramour just because you needed money. A need for money does not mean a relaxing of standards. Passing the rights of your cherished child up just because you've started to find the responsibility pinches a bit also teaches your son he can't rely rely on you, or himself come to that. It must come down to find a stooge to find the money? I think pretty much any option you land on would be better.



Whoa, that's an old quote. I think I wrote that almost four years ago. Sure was a dumb idea though. So glad I didn't do it. We lost our house and had to file for bankruptcy, but we made it. Money isn't really an issue anymore, thankfully. And I haven't had even the remotest desire to contact the OM in a very long time.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: writer1
While most people here think the only kind of marriage that should exist is an MB marriage, most of the marriages I've witnessed in real life do not follow MB and most of them have not resulted in a divorce.


I agree most marriages do not follow MB. Because they don't know about MB. They don't understand how to fall in love again. But YOU DO. Just staying in a bad marriage is not what I would consider a "success." I would call that a failure.



What are the statistics?
Dr. Harley mentions them on his radio Show often...around 55% divorce, and 20 percent stay permanently separated.
Harley wants people to be in the 25% of success

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Originally Posted By: writer1
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Originally Posted By: writer1


I haven't contacted OM yet and I hope I won't have to. .


Seriously Writer you don't have any right to. He didn't raise the boy and where there are no rights there are no responsibilities. This is yours and your H's responsibility no matter how tough it is.

Just think also what you'd be teaching your son if you called up an old paramour just because you needed money. A need for money does not mean a relaxing of standards. Passing the rights of your cherished child up just because you've started to find the responsibility pinches a bit also teaches your son he can't rely rely on you, or himself come to that. It must come down to find a stooge to find the money? I think pretty much any option you land on would be better.



Whoa, that's an old quote. I think I wrote that almost four years ago. Sure was a dumb idea though. So glad I didn't do it. We lost our house and had to file for bankruptcy, but we made it. Money isn't really an issue anymore, thankfully. And I haven't had even the remotest desire to contact the OM in a very long time.


Relief!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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