Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Yes he encourages daters to interview several people from their sweetie's past. He says the results are usually very enlightening!!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 267
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 267
Quote:
I am a 58 yr old male, well established, good job, own my home, retirement set, good physical shape,etc.

Do you know HER motivation for wanting to be with you? You rode to her rescue. Do you represent security for her? Would she be able to make it without you? Did she NEED you for a place to stay?

Will your retirement be set if you get involved in a marriage and things don't work out?


Quote:
I met a woman with 3 kids 10, 14 and 15, 1-1/2 years ago who had gone through a bad divorce,

Has she dealt with the issues resulting from her bad divorce or do you notice some events trigger things in her. Are you set up to fail because she still has baggage to deal with?

Quote:
SHE lived in her guest room to take care of the kids until her ex decided to get remarried and told her it was time to leave. I knew her from my gym and offered her a place to stay in one of my bedrooms.

So you are the white knight rescuing the damsel in distress. Is this love for her or is it convenience?



Quote:
Her ex has the kids most of the time but we take them out and they stay with us some but we are 20 miles from their school district.


Quote:
My problem:
To marry her would mean that I have to sell my home in which I love and move to a place that is actually closer to work, but a place that I don't like as much and also live with her boys 50% of the time and be involved with their lives. I do like, but not love them. One has bad behavior occasionally.

Danger Will Robinson DANGER. Lets look at the stats. Third time around marriage have around a 90% failure rate to start. Add in blended family issues and financial issues and voila you have a very precarious mixture of issues to juggle.
You are close to retirement age. If the youngest goes to college you will be looking at another 12 years of being daddy. That puts you to 70. Is that something you want to do?

You state one of the children already has behavioral issues. That sounds like you are going to add in even more frustration. Why is he going to listen to you? And the potential of your new wife resenting you for getting involved or not getting involved seems likely to me. Being a step daddy at this phase of life seems fraught with potential problems.

Quote:
Just asking for other thoughts here. Am I, as a 58 yr old, too old to get involved into a situation like this? I really hate to lose her and even more, hurt her feelings, but I just feel some reservations.
Any input would be appreciated and thanks.

If I were you as much as it is delightful to have the company of a younger gorgeous lady I would not go any further. In my opinion she is looking for the security you offer, and the ability to have her kids more often. Your relationship will change from what it is now as you will be raising the kids together.

Also you have to move. Something you do not want to do, to raise kids you do not seem all that thrilled with. The potential for resentment on all sides seems high to me.

So why is her clock ticking? What is the rush? Who benefits from rushing and locking things down? It doesn't sound to me like you are gaining anything special. She has lots to gain.

If your gut reaction is giving you reservations there may be reason for that. You may want to surge ahead in spite of the statistics. Dr. Harley says most affairs don't over 2 years. I think that makes sense as in that time-frame you get to experience most sides of the the other person. How well do you know her? Spending habits? How she views discipline? Will she favor her kids over you? What does she feel she needs to contribute to the relationship?

From what you describe from your introduction it seems you have good reason to proceed slowly.

Good luck
BCBoy


Me 58 BS


Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478

As a woman with a teenaged son, Dr. Harley advised me to not marry until he is grown and on his own, and I would think that he'd advise the flip side of don't marry a woman with children (especially older ones). Just wait until they're grown and keep up the dates until then. Exactly what clock is ticking anyway?


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: LifetimeLearner

As a woman with a teenaged son, Dr. Harley advised me to not marry until he is grown and on his own, and I would think that he'd advise the flip side of don't marry a woman with children (especially older ones). Just wait until they're grown and keep up the dates until then. Exactly what clock is ticking anyway?



Dr. Harley does not always advise this.

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478

Okay, though I think I remember hearing once on a show him advising a man in a similar situation to wait. I want to be clear, too, I meant older children.


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 22 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5