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Originally Posted by SFL
When you say meet with lawyer do you mean file?

Yes, you will need to file so you are legally protected. If he is already poised to file, you will want to beat him to the punch so you have an advantage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SFL
Needing guidance everyone. I'm breaking down. I shouldn't cry at all in front of him right?
Did you read MelodyLane's post about asking him to leave if you can't hold it together?

Will you do this?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hey everyone. I am lost. This isn't working. He is so pissed and keeps saying he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.
He also continues to want assurances I'm not going to screw up his career.
When I say that he should find his way out of a job sooner than later he gets pissed and says "are you threatening me?" He's just hating me and saying he's sorry for what he did but he follows it with "I should have ended it with us sooner."
He left to go to a hotel tonight. On his way out he was saying that he can't be alone in the house with me at night (kids in bed) and was upset I couldn't give him assurances that I wouldn't screw up his career.
He is now texting me saying "please take the threat away" and "you can screw up everything I've worked for" and "I will bend over backwards for you" (but we are getting a divorce). How should I respond???


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Do I have any power to chance at saying "don't file for divorce, leave your job and do the program with me?" Is there any way or is it to far gone?


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Respond back to him with this:

"I am sorry you screwed up your career by having an affair at work. I have thought about this for some time and think the best way out would be for you to leave within 30 days. If you will do that, I won't expose at work. That will give you a chance to get out of there gracefully before they find out what you have done and fire you. If you are still there in 30 days, I will expose."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SFL
and was upset I couldn't give him assurances that I wouldn't screw up his career.

You need to be a broken record and respond with:

"I don't have the power to screw up your career. If your career is ruined, it will be because of your affair."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Don't make any promises about not doing job exposure.

He's obviously terrified of that prospect. You don't need to threaten, he is getting himself tied in knots over the prospect all on his own.

There will be love busting in affair land! If you won't engage him on the topic, he'll be pacing and hand wringing all over OW. That will make him a barrel of laughs for OW NOT,

She'll be worried about her job also and all over him to control you.

Listen to Mel. File first. That also puts you in the drivers seat to drag your feet if you want to slow the process down. Let him know that you don't plan to let him set the terms whether he stays or goes.

He may "need to know what you are going to do." But you don't need to tell him.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Ok- so filing doesn't mean that it has to be completed and or final?
I actually texted him back saying "bending over backwards means ending your affair, leaving your job gracefully, and coming home and doing the program together." He then texted back and said "is that the ultimatum?" Then he called me and said let's talk about it tomorrow and that he'd think about it.


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Originally Posted by SFL
Ok- so filing doesn't mean that it has to be completed and or final?
I actually texted him back saying "bending over backwards means ending your affair, leaving your job gracefully, and coming home and doing the program together." He then texted back and said "is that the ultimatum?" Then he called me and said let's talk about it tomorrow and that he'd think about it.
Filing doesn't mean it's over. If he commits to a recovery program you can stop the D proceedings anytime.

Good response, but be prepared that he keeps waffling between you and OW until he goes NC with OW.


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by SFL
Ok- so filing doesn't mean that it has to be completed and or final?

Right.. The point is to protect yourself legally.

Quote
I actually texted him back saying "bending over backwards means ending your affair, leaving your job gracefully, and coming home and doing the program together." He then texted back and said "is that the ultimatum?" Then he called me and said let's talk about it tomorrow and that he'd think about it.

His goal is to beat you down so you will promise not to expose his affair. He is very good at that. And you are accustomed to caving. To avoid that, you need to text him the post I made above and show him that you have a plan and are not going to be beaten down. By doing so, you take away all threats and just give him your plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Send him this!!

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Respond back to him with this:

"I am sorry you screwed up your career by having an affair at work. I have thought about this for some time and think the best way out would be for you to leave within 30 days. If you will do that, I won't expose at work. That will give you a chance to get out of there gracefully before they find out what you have done and fire you. If you are still there in 30 days, I will expose."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Tell him this tonight so he won't waste all day tomorrow beating you to a pulp manipulating you into protecting his affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Send him this!!

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Respond back to him with this:

"I am sorry you screwed up your career by having an affair at work. I have thought about this for some time and think the best way out would be for you to leave within 30 days. If you will do that, I won't expose at work. That will give you a chance to get out of there gracefully before they find out what you have done and fire you. If you are still there in 30 days, I will expose."
And keep repeating yourself, become a broken record.

When or if he tries to gaslight you bring it to the board so we can help you.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Btw thank you everyone so much. I would be a mess without you.


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Have you posted OW on www.cheaterville.com ?

EDIT: if you have not yet posted, do so now...while the "iron is hot"...internet exposure wreaks havoc in affairland!

Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 05/24/14 11:01 PM.
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Originally Posted by SFL
When you say meet with lawyer do you mean file?

You need legal protection.
Tell your story to an attorney and he/she can ensure that you are protected.
In some cases, cheating spouses will try to cash inpension funds, move assets etc and leave families destitute.
The attorney can ensure this doesnt happen.

Also, at a minimum, if he is going to abandon his family to pursue his affair then the attorney can ensure that you receive part of his paycheck to pay bills

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He is baiting you to engage in a "discussion" where he hopes to wear you down.

Use Mel's script.

Above all, do not under any circumstances agree to refrain from exposing at his work (unless he leaves that job). You win this round as long as you do not say that!


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Just sent him the text!


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And what I'm going/saying isn't blackmail right? He said that earlier- "are you blackmailing me?"


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Originally Posted by SFL
And what I'm going/saying isn't blackmail right? He said that earlier- "are you blackmailing me?"
Sorry, but that's almost funny.

No it's not blackmail. It's gaslighting.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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