I think any judge, in their right mind, would see your attempt to follow a program of marital recovery as a good thing. If your lawyer is advising against it, I would need to understand why. The fact your WW had the affair, and is refusing to try and work on the marriage should be enough to undermine her credibility.

I'm a little concerned about disclosing to the grandmother (who's over 90 and may not take this very well). My parents are saying I shouldn't because if I'm somehow responsible for any sort of health issue, her family will hate me!

I did not have to take it down, but it seemed to have served its purpose (and it could have been perceived as wanting to gratuitously punish her). Most people saw it when they read the email and the few who haven't will likely reach out for evidence if they need it.

The exposure was not emotional in the sense that I'm not doing it out of spite or anger. I just refuse to hide this secret any longer and be a part of their constructed fantasy world where everything will go on the way it was except that I am replaced with him.

Thanks for the support everyone, it makes this a bit more bearable.

It sounds like the grandmother is pretty with it and sharp. And it sounds like grandma might be your voice of reason your WW needs to hear from. The grandma has likely heard and seen lots of bad news in her days on earth and likely less jarred at this point. You could be making up excuses for yourself.

This is the typical reaction of the unexperienced, but it doesn't really hold water does it? Firstly, if you, the person who it actually happened to, can know about the affair without health problems, why would it cause it in her? If you can handle it, the people who it didn't happen to certainly can.

Secondly it is breathtakingly patronising. I'm sure she has seen worse and heard of it before. She is ninetey, which means she probably knows more about adultery than the lot of you put together.

Thirdly, the truth isn't within your personal control. It is not something 'you' are able to 'do' to her. It was already done by your wife without a thought for her grandmother. Since that grief and thoughtlesness already lies in her family I am not sure why family secrets and lies for patronising reasons will be considered a help. The truth is not yours - it is it's own creature and it doesn't live under your thumb. It has as many ways of getting out into the world, and upsetting granny, as a starburst. She's going to find out and probably the best way is from you. You do have a plan after all.

Fourthly. It is a relief to find out. Wasn't it so for you? I was relieved that the typical wayward's hateful behaviour had a cause that wasn't attributable to madness and could be stopped. His family were glad to know so too. That there was something they could do instead of scratching their heads. To know the truth is better than being bewildered and unsure.

This is why we tell even very young children. To protect the vulnerable from that bewildered state of being.

I was afraid to tell my 91 year old mother! I felt I would be sending her into depression or worse. So, I started out telling her that my WH was going through some kind of midlife crisis and he wanted to separate. Guess what she said? "Maybe there is someone else in the picture". Wow...she nailed it. She didn't die or go into depression. She became stronger and felt I needed her more than ever. Imagine how happy and proud of herself she will be if she can help your family. Even if she can't get through to your WW, she'll be helping you and your children. She'll know she is needed.

She could be the most valuable asset in this whole scenario. At age 90, I seriously doubt she is a flimsy, wilting moron who needs to be protected from life. I find the very insinuation to be insulting and I am sure she would too. Most 90 year olds are pretty tough old birds.

You will be making a huge mistake passing up this great opportunity for help. She may be the only one who can get through to her granddaughter.

Where are you people FROM where 90 year olds are so fragile?? My grandmothers and great-grandmothers were tough as nails. I would feel more concerned about telling a 50 year old than a 90 yr old. A 90 year old has MORE life experience, wisdom and maturity.

Are old people worthless in your worlds? They are not in the south, I assure you.

Rusty, what you will find, us that your family have already guessed that there is trouble in your marruage, without you saying a thing. They pick up on your demeanor, the fact that you seem troubled. My family wasn't surprised at all when I revealed our problems . My mon and sister nodded, knowingly at each other.
The Grandma might already be suspecting something if she is close to your WW.
GF

I'd second this. My experience was the same.

Its like the story "The Emperor's New Clothes"

Usually the uninformed share a collective ignorance of obvious facts even though the individuals already see's something is wrong.

Likely there are many people (including Grandma) amongst your family, friends and co-workers whom have recognized something was not right and only now that you have pointed it out they all 'see' or will soon see what they have known to be true.

You need to work on this. Besides granny, this is a huge hole in your exposure plan. Aren't you already using a PI? He should be able to get info on the OM for you with no problem.

You need to run him off.

Rusty, you want to get to grandma before she does. That's very important.

You may not have any love for your wife right now. You may feel she's not worth the effort you are putting forth. You may be right, but you're not in a position to make that decision at this time so stay the course. Make big decisions when you are less vulnerable and have a clear head. good luck.

Did your wife hear from management today? And I don't mean the POSOM.

Well, I got to the grandma so we will see if she talks to her. But there's now a complicating factor that her parents came to stay with us because she didn't "feel safe" (she didn't like that I asserted that I was not leaving and was not going to sleep in the basement anymore). So they're here "keeping the peace".

More importantly, I think we're moving into Plan B (or Plan D, quite frankly). Her friends and family have rallied around her and she and OM have become even more entrenched. She is spinning this as me going psycho and putting up this website. And it sounds like she and the OM are planning on getting married after their divorces come through. I don't know the repercussions it will have at her work, but she and OM are concocting a cover story and likely to counter anything short of pictures of them having sex (even the kissing they would attribute to just being drunk).

I think her family knows or suspects, but doesn't care about it. And she's planning to tell them anyway.

I'm not moving out and I am not to let her have the house. But other than that, I need to leverage the affair for custody (which she wants to fight me on) and move on with my life.

What about the wife of the OM? Have you connected with her yet?

No, but she's got a different interest, she doesn't want him to get fired.

And listening to some of the recordings, I don't really want her back at all. He can have her. They will get what's coming to them, I bet in a few years the OM will have another affair and WW will wonder what happened.

Ironically she claims that I'm the one that's not thinking clearly.

But she can put you in touch with his parents, family and close friends which would be a great exposure. She can help you fight on your end.


That is a tactic designed to throw you off balance.

That's very typical sir.
If you visit the thread of poster "face," his cheating wife claims he is crazy...and the thread of "axeslinger" details how his wife unsuccessfully attempted to get a restraining order against him.

My own cheating wife told people I was psychotic!

Just disregard everything that comes out of her mouth.

I don't know how old you are...but during the Iraq War, my dad loved watching "Baghdad Bob" on television. He was the spokesman for the Iraqi government and often made wild claims such as 'The Americans are being slaughtered..." or "The Iraqi Army is winning victories."

Baghdad Bob actually made these statements while US Forces were in Baghdad! He was considered a laughing joke to any intelligent person watching his "press statements" and was not taken seriously at all.

It's the same way listening to an adulterer...you can find it either humorous or a waste of time.

I disagree.
The grandmother may be able to influence this person in the wrong.
At the age of 90, she has earned the right to decide what she will and won't do (unless she is a danger to herself or others).