First, I've been around here for a while. Just on the affair form

Anyway I startded dating the lady who I adore. She as two teens and I have 3 (girls).

She broke up with me two days ago. I tried my best to talk her out of it but she says we have too many things pulling us apart.

I said that we should get back together in three months and see where things are then. Does that sound reasonable or does it spell disaster? We didnt talk about it but I'm sure we would date ofher people. I'm thinking a three month Plan B.

The other question I have is would be benefit from couple therapy? We have logistical issues that do need didcussing. I have young children and she had older ones. Five kids in a house does seem a little crazy.

Are you divorced?

I read on your other thread you got divorced 6/2013. So, you were dating her when still married?

I think this relationship has died a natural death. No contact to heal. You dated while married and no marriage plans after two years - it is time to let it go. It isn't going anywhere. You should never have to beg someone to stay when dating. If you do, its not the right one.

Neither one of us is married. My wife had an affair and her marriage just didn't work.

It is better to find out now rather than later that a relationship is not a good fit. When that happens, it is best to move on and find someone who would be a better fit. Why waste your time with someone you KNOW is not a good fit? Don't try to force a round peg into a square hole.

I did not meet this person until after my divorce.

Five kids under one roof is a lot. I Have my girls 50/50.

Phoenix, it seems that many divorced people tend to hastily embrace the first thing that comes along rather than taking their time and dating a lot of people. As such, they tend to try too hard to make an unworkable relationship work. And that is not the point of dating. The point of dating is to find the most suitable partner. You are already at a huge disadvantage because marriages with step children have an 85% divorce rate.

Please slow down and date more people. Dr. Harley recommends dating up to 30 people to find the best fit.

Thanks melody. That's certainly true.

Good point but I was divorced prior to dating her.

Wouldn't it be horrible for you and your daughters if you made a bad choice and you had to go through another divorce? That would be devastating. You have many good options, you just have to keep looking for them. Seems like guys your age are pretty hot properties.

If I were you, I would be selectively dating women with no kids because with kids, there is baggage.

If I were you, I would get very active on the dating forum here because these guys are PROS at selection. They can give you a very objective viewpoint of the folks you are dating.

That's fine - but remember, you are dating - "shopping" - for a fantastic fit. It doesnt mean either of you are bad prospects, just not the right fit.

When you put too much expectation into a dating relationship, it leads to trying too hard to fit the square into the whole.

If after two years, it isn't fantastic and marriage isn't on the table, its dragging out the wrong fit. You are too busy patching the rental to notice the buyer that's right for you.

You were living together?

Have you read this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

M, my fear of exposing my girls to another break up will probably kill all of my relationships. Six months ago she would have married me and I couldn't even say the word. I don't know if I could every get married again. The affair thing really screwed me up from that perspective.

Anyways, this lady was straight up with me and told me she didnt want the responsibility of my girls when her kids were almost grown. She wanted her freedom in five or six years when her kids were gone.

Not to get on the affair subject but damn.... I don't think I can ever heal from that.

By all means tell your daughters that you are dating but do not introduce them until you have been seeing someone for six months and it looks as if it could progress into marriage. At the six month mark it is time to have 'the conversation' about commitment so the introduction fits very well into that time frame.

Plenty of time for them all to bond once you marry. This will not be hard because she will be a friend to your daughters, you will take all of the responsibility.

What's your goal if not to get married? Don't date if you don't want to marry because no relationship will survive a renters policy for more than a few years.

If you aren't happy and arent healed - what are you offering her exactly?! She gets your heart and soul if you marry so it really should be cheerful and whole.



I really think these are quite dreadful concepts to apply to a dating relationship.

Dating should not be any work at all for her or you. Dating is not commitment. It should be an interview for marriage in which you present an easy, fun, romantic relationship. Added to which you are willing to commit to marriage and work through any 'future' problems which patience and care.

I say 'future' because if there are any current problems you wouldn't be getting married.

I know it may not feel this way now, but isn't it good then that she left? She doesn't want to be a stepmother to your kids. It's really bad on her that she didn't tell you sooner. In that sense she really did fail the interview.

I'm sorry, but if you think you need counseling while dating that should be a huge red flag.

Have you listened to these clips?
Beware of Bad Counselors

I love this advice. It needs to be on a sticky at the top of this forum.

x 2

Move on. There is nothing to salvage here. This is a MAJOR mismatch.

Phoenix, I recently got some advice from Dr Harley regarding a situation involving my DD18. The gist of what he was basically talking about was to focus on developing good relationships with my kids.

Not only have our kids been through hell with having a wayward parent and divorce, but Dr H basically told me that most people he talks to that are later in life have regrets that they do not have better relationships with their children. It's given me a lot to think about and helped me to shift my priorities a bit.

Here's things that I worry about:
Having a serious GF takes your attention and focus away from your children and also puts stress on them and your relationship with them.

Your kids will also most likely put stress on whatever relationship you are in. I can tell you that for the past 3 years my kids have come home and complained almost non-stop about their father's GF (now wife) and the fighting that goes on inside their home - and many of their fights are about my children.

The numbers of people who post here on MB about troubled new marriages that are blended families is scary.

Anyway, I am not opposed to remarriage or dating for a divorced parent, I just don't see any need to rush or hang on to something that is showing signs of trouble.

And Phoenix, if you need couples counseling when you are dating someone...walk away.

x 2

I've been with my bf over two yrs and we are in no hurry to marry given that we both have children. The topic of marriage has come up but we aren't going to marry just because we've been together x amount of time either. We both understand the pitfalls of a blended household and want to avoid being part of the 85%.

Hi Everyone,

I'd like to first thank everyone for the great advice.

I wanted to clear a couple things up... We were not living together & We did not introduce our kids until after we had dated for a year. We were both conscious of this.

Maybe we broke up cause I was actually too willing to take my girls on nights that were not part of the custody agreement OR maybe we broke up cause the AoA drama - I dunno.

The thought of blending a family and putting the kids through another divorce really really scares me. 85% is a really high failure rate.

This lady went through a lot with me so I'm a little surprised she split after all the drama finally ended.

I'm also regretting the June 5th date now. I told her that if you are not sure about things now, lets see where we are in 3 months. Seems like an artificial date now that will just lead to disappointment.

I'm extremely heartbroken but its a different heartbreak than what my WW was able to give me...

I thought the couples counseling might help deal with the issues associated with blending a family cause I have no idea how to do it. After reflecting a little, I'm not sure she wanted this either.

I'm sorry you are hurt Phoenix. Rejection hurts no matter what.

But you are right, she did not want a blended family. She has told you this! Its up to you to listen and believe it. The idea of counseling between you two is really to try and convince her to accept a blended family. That is unfair, is it not?

It was more about looking at alternatives than actually blending families. More about trying to make her see that we actually had a good situation - from my view.

After I read back over the texts (she broke it off when I was in China so I didn't have chance to talk to her in person), One of her concerns that I missed is that her kids were becoming teenagers and she was getting in a situation where she could do more ie go out to dinner on those nights or go to a party and I was home with my girls.

At the end, I'm not really sure what the real problem was. Maybe she had better prospects or at least owed it to herself to find out - I dunno.

I'll chalk it up to bad timing.

Feel a little silly about even posting here since people are dealing with such bigger issues but its not first time I've been here out of desperation

Every time I see a guy try to do that, it doesn't work. It's inherently disrespectful, because what you are trying to do is get your wife to forget her viewpoint and adopt yours. And of course this program doesn't work if you are disrespectful. And of course no other program works.

The only strategy I've found that works is to learn how to avoid love bank withdrawals and make love bank deposits. Ultimately to do that you have to take your wife's viewpoint into account and address the issues that she is bringing up instead of trying to get her to change her mind and think things are good. When you follow this approach, her feelings change, and then she stops feeling like things aren't good.

It is very typical that the man doesn't see a problem and thinks things are great, and the woman does see a problem. It is very typical for the man to try to persuade her to see things differently. It never works. The only thing that works is for him to accept that if she sees a problem he is going to have to do something about it if he wants to be her partner in life.

Well she didn't think it was a good idea either

I really agree with this. Women and men have different perspectives which make them each better at different jobs.

It's like the woman has the binoculars so she can see the rainstorm coming when it's very far away to the man. Her perspective must be trusted on that one. The woman is usually the complainer/quitter because she is the lookout.

The man seems to have the wet weather gear and umbrella. Not only is he cheerfully oblivious to the storm but he doesn't care - it doesn't make him unhappy in the least. This is how come he can soldier on when the woman just wants to flee. To his perspective, the only thing wrong is her unhappiness.

Your girlfriend might or might not have better prospects. Even if she did't have a man in mind to date, she may have been feeling the pressure it will inevitably cause by becoming much closer to you. Even dating can become a challenge working around both sets of children. Hers are older and she is beginning to have more freedom. Yours are younger. That's the way I would most certainly be thinking were I ever in the dating scene again, if I were to follow my head and not my heart. You and your girlfriend had a pleasant relationship and now she is rethinking it. Perfectly normal. I suggest you move on. Actually, SusieQ's advice to you to focus on your children, rather than on dating, was very good guidance.

What do you think about the 3 month date we set?

We decided to get together on June 5th and discuss. I say we but what I mean is she reluctantly agreed saying she didn't want me to be disappointed in three months if she still felt the same.

She dumped me by text when I was in China so the date sounded like a good idea at the time but now I'm having doubts. I'm not planning on putting my life on hold consciously but I'm sure I'm doing it subconsciously.

Phoenix, she doesn't want to be involved with a house of young kids. You're trying to push her into capitulation when you are trying to talk her out of that belief. Such an approach will likely lead to an unhappy second marriage.

She doesn't want to be your boyfriend and this "three month" date is her appeasing you. Please, do not be desperate here. This is not a good approach in dating.

You enjoy being with your exgirlfriend and she probably enjoyed being with you and now she finds that the relationship isn't working for her. Perfectly normal behavior in the world of being single and dating. Just move on. Keep improving yourself and get yourself out there again. If she's interested in you, then next time you call her, she'll see you. If not, the relationship is over. Just move on. Focus on being a great dad to your children.

I'd spend that time trying to date 10-30 other people, and I might not reunite for the 3 month date.

Does not smell right.

GF was chomping at the bit to marry you then chomping at the bit that she needs her freedom.

You have been replaced with a new BF.

So much for being honest.

If you had logistics issues around kids - like she was free to go out for a date and you had to stay home with the kids, that not gonna change in 3 months unfortunately.

And I understand that it made dating from her prospective not very convenient.

So, as many already advised, probably, it's better to move on.

I suspect this as well - the whole text while in China suggests it. However, this may have been a long time coming too, as OP seems reluctant to realize it really is over.

She's been thinking about it for several months or longer. She probably has a BF candidate in mind but I don't think she's gone there yet - but I've been wrong before on that

She's texted me twice this week. "How is your week?" type stuff. I just replied with a short "Things are going well..." which is not at all what I wanted to say.

Should I tell her to stop texting me so we can both figure this out or start ignoring them?? I got the second one last night couldn't respond til this morning. I wish I wouldn't have responded at all.

And yeah, if she figures out she decides she wants to be a part of my life, I'd welcome her. To my knowledge, she has been upfront.

Also, whats the rule on how long should wait before starting to date someone else? A few months?

Thanks

There is no real rule if you are single. I think some casual dates with various women might help you see that there is choice, rather than pushing to maintain a fixer-upper.

I would no contact. You are prolonging your pained feelings. A woman will not break up with a man she loves. She might keep one in the wings while looking, though. You don't need to be a back-up choice.

According to Dr. Harley, you might as well start dating now. It's perfectly fine to date whoever until someone better comes along. Just date, have fun, don't get too involved until you've dated several women and found someone you like.

It's a good idea not to try to become a Buyer too soon.

I've recently determined the difference between the notion of 'good fit' and 'don't belong'.

I learned this recently in relation to hiring and then going through a 90 day orientation and training period with a new hire.

After 80 days I let a new hire go. I sited she did not fit in.

In reality I realized it was more then not 'fitting' in. It sounds harsh but this employee did not belong.

I say this because we put in a huge effort on our side of the fence to help her 'fit in' when we trained her. You have to assume the person is a good fit in the first place in order to later decide they are a poor fit. In this persons case she was a poor fit in the first place. Therefore, you can then say the person did not belong.

It seems this woman you dated did not belong. Going forward it would help you to early on determine your own criteria for a good fit so you can eliminate those whom do not belong in the first place especially around your daughters. With this notion to guide you it will likely help you feel a bit more confident and safe to simply enjoy 'the bloom' of potential relationships.

I'm really proud of my own single daughter. She'd dated a guy way too long and broke up a year ago. She is finally simply dating lots of guys and quickly eliminating the poor fits. For example she was turned off by a guy who had a background of cutting off and giving the silent treatment to family members with a different opinion. Only cost her one coffee date.

I am so grateful and happy to share my testimony. My ex-boyfriend left me for over one year because he believed I was cheating, even though I was innocent. I was heartbroken and had completely lost hope.
After contacting Dr. Dan, he listened to me with kindness and understanding and performed a powerful love spell. Not long after, my ex reached out, realized the truth, apologized, and asked for forgiveness. Today, we are fully reconciled and in love again ❤️.
Thank you so much, Dr. Dan, for restoring my relationship and happiness. I will forever be grateful 🙏✨
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