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Originally Posted by needinput
I saw messages from this woman and I know her picture and name

Have you searched for her since you know her name on all social media?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No, her English name is so common that it would be impossible to find anything on her.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I very much agree with the others that you should go into Plan B. I would not allow him into your home and would not sign anything or speak to him. If he wants to "take care of some documents" he can do that on his own.

Ok, I know several of you suggested that I do not allow him at home or that I change locks or that I do not stay at home and leave. This is very hard or I would say impossible to do. First, he has only certain days off and I know he WILL be coming here even if I request that he does not. He lives 8 hours away - it is not the same as him living close to the base and he can drive home and back in case he is not allowed in our apartment. We have no family nearby so there is nowhere for me to go. I have to go to school and work. The other option would be to ask his superiors to not allow him to take this leave as a punishment if possible that way he can stay there but who am I to give orders to them? Also, regarding an intermediary, my husband would not agree to this. He will keep emailing or calling me - what I can do is ignore and do not respond. May be then he would try to contact through the intermediary if I had given this option to him, after he sees that I do not respond.

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Well, my husband called this morning furious that I have called the IG. He found out. He said he will be screwing my life and my career now. He said that he was trying to be nice to me and help me out financially by the time I finish school but now he will be speeding up the divorce process and will be making my life a mess. He said he will be calling my family and tell them what I have done. And, now I screwed up any chance of him coming back.

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Originally Posted by needinput
Well, my husband called this morning furious that I have called the IG. He found out. He said he will be screwing my life and my career now. He said that he was trying to be nice to me and help me out financially by the time I finish school but now he will be speeding up the divorce process and will be making my life a mess. He said he will be calling my family and tell them what I have done. And, now I screwed up any chance of him coming back.

That is great! It sounds like you really hit the mark. The madder he is, the harder you hit the target. My suggestion would be to find a way to go into Plan B. You need to figure this out.

Have you read the Plan B thread? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

ALL waywards initially refuse to communicate through the intermediary, that is nothing new. But when they see they have no other choice, they usually get on board. I would start asking around for an intermediary and make plans to block any communication if he tries to contact you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would also tell your military contact that he has called and threatened you. You might want to go to Walmart and get a recorder so you can tape his threatening calls.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I would also tell your military contact that he has called and threatened you. You might want to go to Walmart and get a recorder so you can tape his threatening calls.

I am scared now that he could become violent and do something and I know he will be coming here. In fact, he might come without me knowing it.

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Listen to Melody. My WH didn't get on board with an IM at first either.

Block his email. Block his cell phone. Change your home phone number.

Change the locks on your home. If he breaks in...call the police. If he threatens you go get a restraining order.

If you haven't exposed to both your families...do it TODAY without fail and without hesitation.


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Originally Posted by needinput
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I would also tell your military contact that he has called and threatened you. You might want to go to Walmart and get a recorder so you can tape his threatening calls.

I am scared now that he could become violent and do something and I know he will be coming here. In fact, he might come without me knowing it.

You should tell his commander this. Has he been violent with you before?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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After he called furious, I had several conversations with him telling him I am not doing a revenge and that I am trying to save our marriage. He called me several times B***H. He calmed down a bit. He said not to expect that he will be back after what I did, that his feelings for her will not change, he does not want to be my husband anymore, and at the end even though she might be manipulating him and trying to be with him for the money he does not care because he has lost all his love for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I asked him to give us more time and told him we can rebuild everything and can be in love again and have a much better marriage and he said he does not want it. He has changed and does not even want to give it a chance. I am expecting that tomorrow he will be furious as well. I still do not know what to do from now on. I know some of you have mentioned IM and plan B but I cannot stop him from coming and I have nowhere to go. May be I should go into plan B after he leaves? But by then, he would have filed for divorce already. Please advise.

Last edited by needinput; 02/25/16 01:12 PM.
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Originally Posted by Alwayslookingup
Listen to Melody. My WH didn't get on board with an IM at first either.

Block his email. Block his cell phone. Change your home phone number.

Change the locks on your home. If he breaks in...call the police. If he threatens you go get a restraining order.

If you haven't exposed to both your families...do it TODAY without fail and without hesitation.


You have already received this advice. In addition, you were advised to let the IG and Commander know if your husband is threatening you.


Go into plan B now.
AM

Last edited by armymama; 02/25/16 01:19 PM.

BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
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Originally Posted by needinput
After he called furious, I had several conversations with him telling him I am not doing a revenge and that I am trying to save our marriage. He called me several times B***H. He calmed down a bit. He said not to expect that he will be back after what I did, that his feelings for her will not change, he does not want to be my husband anymore, and at the end even though she might be manipulating him and trying to be with him for the money he does not care because he has lost all his love for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I asked him to give us more time and told him we can rebuild everything and can be in love again and have a much better marriage and he said he does not want it. He has changed and does not even want to give it a chance. I am expecting that tomorrow he will be furious as well. I still do not know what to do from now on. I know some of you have mentioned IM and plan B but I cannot stop him from coming and I have nowhere to go. May be I should go into plan B after he leaves? But by then, he would have filed for divorce already. Please advise.

As you were warned in the Exposure 101 thread, most waywards spew this kind of garbage after exposure. Heck, my fWH broke into the marital home and woke me up to spew it.

IGNORE, and proceed as MelodyLane has advised you.

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Originally Posted by needinput
After he called furious, I had several conversations with him telling him I am not doing a revenge and that I am trying to save our marriage. He called me several times B***H. He calmed down a bit. He said not to expect that he will be back after what I did, that his feelings for her will not change, he does not want to be my husband anymore, and at the end even though she might be manipulating him and trying to be with him for the money he does not care because he has lost all his love for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I asked him to give us more time and told him we can rebuild everything and can be in love again and have a much better marriage and he said he does not want it. He has changed and does not even want to give it a chance. I am expecting that tomorrow he will be furious as well. I still do not know what to do from now on. I know some of you have mentioned IM and plan B but I cannot stop him from coming and I have nowhere to go. May be I should go into plan B after he leaves? But by then, he would have filed for divorce already. Please advise.

Did you read my post? First off, you should give all this information to his commander. Did you do that? Tell him everything your husband said. In the meantime, you need to figure out how to go into Plan B. Can you go live with your parents? And what makes you think he is coming there?

Also, have you done a thorough job of exposing his affair to family and friends? What about his parents? Have they reached out to him and asked him to end his affair? IF there are any key exposures left, you need to get them done now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by needinput
After he called furious, I had several conversations with him telling him I am not doing a revenge and that I am trying to save our marriage. He called me several times B***H. He calmed down a bit. He said not to expect that he will be back after what I did, that his feelings for her will not change, he does not want to be my husband anymore, and at the end even though she might be manipulating him and trying to be with him for the money he does not care because he has lost all his love for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I asked him to give us more time and told him we can rebuild everything and can be in love again and have a much better marriage and he said he does not want it. He has changed and does not even want to give it a chance. I am expecting that tomorrow he will be furious as well. I still do not know what to do from now on. I know some of you have mentioned IM and plan B but I cannot stop him from coming and I have nowhere to go. May be I should go into plan B after he leaves? But by then, he would have filed for divorce already. Please advise.

Did you read my post? First off, you should give all this information to his commander. Did you do that? Tell him everything your husband said. In the meantime, you need to figure out how to go into Plan B. Can you go live with your parents? And what makes you think he is coming there?

Also, have you done a thorough job of exposing his affair to family and friends? What about his parents? Have they reached out to him and asked him to end his affair? IF there are any key exposures left, you need to get them done now.

No, did not tell his commander what he said yet. Tomorrow they will be talking to him so he will be calling me to tell me what happened. I exposed to everyone as soon as I found out about the affair - a month and a half ago. His mom knows about it but she does not talk to him about it - she said she does not want to alienate him from her. In fact, may be only two people have told him to stop the affair. I have done all exposure I could - family, friends, superiors. I cannot live with my parents. Also, we have no family nearby. I need to go to school and work. He is coming here because he said he wants to transfer all bills under my name, transfer car insurance and title, do taxes, and file for divorce if he has not already.

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Originally Posted by needinput
No, did not tell his commander what he said yet. Tomorrow they will be talking to him so he will be calling me to tell me what happened.

Please call the commander and tell him what happened. He needs to know how your H has been treating you and that he has threatened to cut off your financial support.

Quote
I exposed to everyone as soon as I found out about the affair - a month and a half ago. His mom knows about it but she does not talk to him about it - she said she does not want to alienate him from her.

So, she said she would not use her influence to persuade him to end his affair? That is surprising. Is she really such an uncaring parent?

Quote
I cannot live with my parents. Also, we have no family nearby. I need to go to school and work. He is coming here because he said he wants to transfer all bills under my name, transfer car insurance and title, do taxes, and file for divorce if he has not already.

First off, I would let him know you will not agree to transfer all the bills to your name. HE can't do that without your permission. Don't sign for anything.

In the meantime, you need to start making plans for the future. Do you have family you can move close to?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by needinput
No, did not tell his commander what he said yet. Tomorrow they will be talking to him so he will be calling me to tell me what happened.

Please call the commander and tell him what happened. He needs to know how your H has been treating you and that he has threatened to cut off your financial support.

Quote
I exposed to everyone as soon as I found out about the affair - a month and a half ago. His mom knows about it but she does not talk to him about it - she said she does not want to alienate him from her.

So, she said she would not use her influence to persuade him to end his affair? That is surprising. Is she really such an uncaring parent?

Quote
I cannot live with my parents. Also, we have no family nearby. I need to go to school and work. He is coming here because he said he wants to transfer all bills under my name, transfer car insurance and title, do taxes, and file for divorce if he has not already.

First off, I would let him know you will not agree to transfer all the bills to your name. HE can't do that without your permission. Don't sign for anything.

In the meantime, you need to start making plans for the future. Do you have family you can move close to?

You are correct, my husband told me that they will be discussing with him not supporting me financially. I feel really bad now, I think they will kick him out of the military for no support. No support from his mom - not surprising - his mom has been married multiple times. She told me this is a phase and he is not thinking straight and I need to just wait for the phase to end. No family nearby. On my own.

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No, they won't kick him out for non-support. What they will do is make certain that he provides the support he is supposed to be providing. The command may do this by making your husband set up an allotment to you. Call the Commander before he or she talks to your H tomorrow.

Is your husband currently living in the state of his permanent residence? If not, he make have a difficult time meeting the residency requirements to file for divorce. Also, depending on his length of service and how long you have been married, you may be entitled to a portion of his military retirement if he retires. If you are located near a military installation, you can make an appointment with JAG services to find out more information.

Get into Plan B as soon as possible. Using an IM will enable you to filter out much of these unnecessary abusive conversations.


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Originally Posted by armymama
No, they won't kick him out for non-support. What they will do is make certain that he provides the support he is supposed to be providing. The command may do this by making your husband set up an allotment to you. Call the Commander before he or she talks to your H tomorrow.

Is your husband currently living in the state of his permanent residence? If not, he make have a difficult time meeting the residency requirements to file for divorce. Also, depending on his length of service and how long you have been married, you may be entitled to a portion of his military retirement if he retires. If you are located near a military installation, you can make an appointment with JAG services to find out more information.

Get into Plan B as soon as possible. Using an IM will enable you to filter out much of these unnecessary abusive conversations.

Why do you say I have to call the Commander? He is not back. The Sgt. I talked with has told my husband he will be seeing him tomorrow for non-support (did not even mention an affair). I was told by the IG that the money he was not paying me during the deployment will NOT be reimbursed to me and he has to support me until we get divorced, which according to my husband's plan is soon.

No, he is not living in the state of permanent residency. The attorney told me that since he is in the military he does not have to meet the state residency requirements for divorce.

My husband also said that he most likely will not be seeing the AP until 1.5 years from now which is good for buying some time unless he is lying about it. He has been lying about everything. I asked him to not rush with divorce after telling me this.

I am planning to ask a friend to serve as the IM. Not sure if she will agree though. This is a lot of drama. Who wants to deal with drama and other people's problems?

Even my own parents are mad at me that I called his superiors telling me I complicated everything and now they have to worry about me.

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Did you call the commander and tell him what your husband said today?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by needinput
[
You are correct, my husband told me that they will be discussing with him not supporting me financially. I feel really bad now, I think they will kick him out of the military for no support.

I am confused. How would they know he has threatened to stop supporting you if you haven't told them?

Has he ever hit you before?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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