Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
Hello, and thank you for reading.

Ever since we had been dating, I knew my husband was on the geekier side of the spectrum. It wasn’t until we started living together that I realized just what that entailed. I have never been a skinny girl, and my husband spends a lot of time watching Asian tv shows and FEMALE(never male) kpop videos.

Early on in our dating relationship I brought up that almost everyone he follows on social media are young pretty(and skinny) Asian women. The discussions ended up with him deleting pretty much all of his social media accounts(not at my request whatsoever, but I do feel relieved that issue is gone).

He watches a lot of anime and if you’ve spent any time watching various anime shows/movies, you’ll see the female characters are almost always VERY sexualized/objectified, and there’s always tons of “fan service”. I’ve brought up my many issues with all of these things, but Asian entertainment has been such a huge part of his interests/life for so long I feel controlling asking him to stop partaking in it.

I’ve tried myself to try to see if I could grow to enjoy it with him, but can’t get past the horrific over-sexualization and fan-service involved. I’m aware or the mutual agreement policy, but that doesn’t make me feel less controlling. I fear he will resent me for taking away something he cares so much about.

Last edited by Here24Help; 08/06/20 03:14 AM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Here24Help


I’ve tried myself to try to see if I could grow to enjoy it with him, but can’t get past the horrific over-sexualization and fan-service involved. I’m aware or the mutual agreement policy, but that doesn’t make me feel less controlling. I fear he will resent me for taking away something he cares so much about.



Hello Here24help, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is not "controlling" to ask your spouse to stop doing something that bothers you. It is controlling to force you to put up with something that bothers you. The greatest risk of resentment would be on your side, not his. He might be disappointed initially at giving up some activities that bother you, but that disappointment fades once that activity is replaced with something else. On the other hand, you are being set up for years of resentment if he won't give up an activity that clearly bothers you. Everytime he views these cartoons, your resentment is triggered. Check this out:

Quote
from Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112-113

What about Resentment?
One of the most common objections to to the POJA is that it creates resentment when it is followed. I agree; it does usually create some resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed. An illustration will make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he's guilty of independent behavior. He is not following the POJA and Sue will be resentful. When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn't accept Sam's invitation, then George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something because of Sue's objections I call this resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest love bank withdrawals: type A or type B? The answer is type A, and thats why the POJA helps build love bank balances. I'll explain.

When G violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel the effect of the thoughtless decision [love bank withdrawals] for as long as memory persists - possibly for life whenever the event is recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is limited in time. It only lasts as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn't invited to watch football and doesn't want to invite herself to Sam's house so she suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football. George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts an end to George's type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully, unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating type A resentment.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
Thank you so much for that! He does have other hobbies, but this is just something he really loves to do. I don’t mind if he watches anime, but just not ones that objectify women or perpetuate extremely unrealistic body expectations for women. I will definitely have another talk with him.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Here24Help
Thank you so much for that! He does have other hobbies, but this is just something he really loves to do. I don’t mind if he watches anime, but just not ones that objectify women or perpetuate extremely unrealistic body expectations for women. I will definitely have another talk with him.


When my husband and I married we both had hobbies that the other was not interested in. We put our heads together and developed new hobbies. It took a little work initially but it now means that our leisure time is spent together. Also the new hobbies have turned out to be tons of fun!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
We do share some hobbies together and really enjoy spending quality time which is a blessing. Being newlyweds during a pandemic has gone a lot smoother than I would’ve thought:)

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Here24Help
We do share some hobbies together and really enjoy spending quality time which is a blessing. Being newlyweds during a pandemic has gone a lot smoother than I would’ve thought:)


It is far easier to develop good marriage habits now as newlyweds rather than later. You want to really work on the hobbies so that all your leisure time is spent doing things together that you both enjoy. Yes you can explain why his hobby makes you unhappy but replacing it with something else that you both love is going to work better. He needs to see you do the same thing. The reason why this is so important is that leisure time spent together is how you build a romantic relationship. You fell in love with him because of the things the two of you had in common and did together. That needs to be nurtured and protected.

If (for example) he spends his Saturday evenings watching anime, there will come a moment when you decide to take up a hobby of your own. This will eventually lead to the two of you leading separate lives which is the kiss of death for romantic love. You see married couples who have only their children as an interest in common. Then the marriage breaks down. You need more than that.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
Hello,

I posted on here months ago about my husbands addiction to kpop/Asian female entertainers. Since then it had stopped and it never was an issue. As far as I knew that was our last issue and we were doing amazing. Then I found out a couple weeks ago (via trickle truth) that my husband is a full blown porn addict and has been lying about it our entire relationship/marriage. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more about it. He would fantasize about real women he’d seen and look up porn that looked like them, he’d watch it at work in the bathrooms, etc. I have felt so much pressure since I found out to be the perfect wife so he doesn’t feel the need to relapse. I’ve been having regular sex with him, watching car shows, being extra pleasant and funny, have made podcast playlists for him about porn addictions, ordered books for him, found him his current therapist, locked up all the devices, spent hours working on his PC so he could still play video games but couldn’t browse incognito or delete history, etc. And a couple time he became frustrated with his “loss of freedoms”. I feel like it’s been so easy for him now that he has no guilt, but now I have this heavy cloud of all these things I’ve learned about my husband. Some things even feel just plain evil… I don’t know if I can get past it all or if I even want to. I haven’t complained once about having lost all MY freedoms and having to spend hours and hours hardening his PC so that he can still enjoy his hobbies. He never initiated reading the books I got him/us. He hasn’t touched the podcast playlist I made since that day I made it. And he seems to just be living a super happy life, while I’m burdened 24/7 with my new reality. Please help, I’m really struggling with learning to love my “new” husband…

-E

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,444
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,444
Likes: 8
Originally Posted by Here24Help
...found him his current therapist,
I'm sorry to hear that things are so much worse than you thought.

What is his current therapist's approach to dealing with the problem? What is the strategy to overcome it?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
He’s only had one appointment so far, his next one is tomorrow… but from what I see, he is delving into his past trauma to help him understand where these behaviors/thoughts came from and how to rewire himself. I have started going to my own therapist and was happy to notice she had some literature by Dr. Harley! My appt with her is Thursday

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 783
Likes: 4
Diving into past trauma is a great way not to fix the present...

Can someone link to what Dr Harley has to say about that? I am pressed for time atm.

1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
I felt that when he said they spent the first session focusing mainly on his trauma. I didn’t feel very satisfied because I felt like it didn’t make a difference toward our current situation… today’s session was focused on our relationship and how there will and should be a power imbalance bc when he was keeping this secret, he held power over me. But now that he no longer is keeping it, the power has shifted more towards my direction as the rules change. And he was telling him that’s normal and it might be a while until it balances out, but that he needs to continue to demonstrate that he is in it forever and wants to do whatever it takes to make things right. And the concepts he discussed were successfully put to use tonight as I told him I want him to try to focus on our relationship/marriage and current situation in therapy! I wasn’t going to say anything yet but your comment motivated me to speak up😁

Edit: not that I’m power tripping, I don’t take my devices into the bathroom, don’t shut the doors, etc either in solidarity

Last edited by Here24Help; 12/15/21 08:59 PM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Diving into past trauma is a great way not to fix the present...

Can someone link to what Dr Harley has to say about that? I am pressed for time atm.
Here is a good thread that speaks about this. I apologize beforehand that some of the links are broken and the radio clips won’t all play. But there are some of Dr. Harley’s explanations about dwelling on past trauma.

Beware of Bad Counselors


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Have you seen Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography

I posted this to your H’s thread, but I see he hasn’t been back and hasn’t answered any of the questions he has been asked.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
but that he needs to continue to demonstrate that he is in it forever and wants to do whatever it takes to make things right.
This is what you're going to need to watch for. IF he continues to do what needs to be done to make things right, your feelings for him will change given time. But he's got to be willing. You CANNOT drag him through this. If you're dragging him, you are going to work yourself into the ground and be in worse shape than you are now.

Are you dragging him?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
Hello! Thank you for the comment, I will take a look! I read some of the articles he had on porn usage but I don’t think I read this so I’ll read it now. Yes, I am not sure if he will be back, I’m trying to step back and let him do things on his own instead of telling him/pushing him to. I will say I have seen improvement thankfully.

Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
I had been, and it made me feel so horrible to be the one doing all the leg work. I have since stepped back and have noticed an improvement, but I’m hoping he comes back to MB on his own…

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
What have you stepped back from?
What improvements have you noticed?

You don't need to fall silent on your expectations. Tell him what you expect. You can't force him to come back to MB, but how he reacts when you tell him you want him to will be very telling.

Have you read Lovebusters?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
I stepped back from reminding him about things I wanted him to do to fix everything. I stopped asking him to read our books, reply on MB, listen to some podcasts or education on his sex addiction, etc. He has gotten better about making an effort since I told him I wanted him to want to do those things on his own, but now it feels forced even though he’s doing what I want him to:(

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
but now it feels forced even though he’s doing what I want him to:(

It's going to feel forced for a long time. That is a feeling that will disappear eventually, if he keeps doing what he needs to do. The important thing is that he is doing it.

Have you read Lovebusters?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

1 member likes this: Here24Help
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
We’ve gone over the Love Busters content a bit, and are pretty familiar with it. But admittedly we could probably know more!


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (35yrsLater), 10 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,686
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5