redhat, She has been here, told her about it awhile ago.

She states there is now way she is going to reconcile with him.

It is too bad that most WS doesn't wake up on time and cry the gollum's song. Hang in there brother. I am heading to Lincoln,Nebraska and hope Alan Athur (MBer) could meet me there.

-rh-

rookie, how are you doing? i was just thinking about you. i hope all is well with you hang in there you are strong. best wishes for you, de

Thanks for the responses.

This is the week that should be very interesting and it will be the straw breaker for me.

The OP is back from vacation, she WILL see him at work, it is unavoidable. If she holds to her commitment not to speak with him fine. If she does start with the phone calls and such, it is over, I am going to file for divorce and I will sell the house. This is no longer a threat, it was not in the first place.

I have had the worst 5 years and this has to end.

Starting 5 years ago, on the PD I was on we were the constant issues on the nightly news, I was subjected to national news, Dateline, interviews and toasting. The people who were causing all the problems were my subordinates, every day for the last couple years I had to deal with those aholes on a daily basis, law suits, news interviews and constant court appearances.

Year and a half ago I was daignosed with cancer, have had surgery and treatments, now in remission, but there are lingering problems to deal with.

Last Dec. I had to start dealing with the A the W had.

At some point I have to eliminate the stress and start thinking of myself as I can no longer deal with all that is going on.

Should she return or make any effort to deal with the problems in our marriage I will make andy and all attempts to correct what was wrong, but SHE will also have to make attempts and commitments, and her actions, not words is what I will go by.

Friday, as stated earlier, we did spend a good part of the day with our son. Yesterday, she called and asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her for a baby shower gift for a friend, yes attempts, but the true attempt on her part will be the NC with sweet jeans.

If there is any contact, I am not going to place my life on hold for the 6 mos she is requesting. I have made up my mind, as painful as it is going to be, it is more painful to live this on a daily basis and at some point I have to say enough.

I do love her, but I am no where to being the person I was or can be. She has accused me of being very emotionally upset for the last 4-5 months, guess someone calling your wife to say I miss you, I love you, I want to marry you and have children with you, is to have no affect on the BS.

Alot of this is venting, but it is not BS either, her clock is ticking and it is up to her. I have told her I was very serious the other day about the divorce, I still am if there are not any attempts on her part followed by actions, it is over.

Well,this was a interesting weekend.

Friday, Sat and Sun. the wife has been by the house.

Fird. we took the son out as stated earlier, Sat., she came by asked me to go shopping with her for a babyshower gift, although I had plans, I did go with her and carried on with my plans, although later, after she left. Sunday I was sanding the bathroom getting it ready to paint, she came into the room, I did not hear her, tapped me on the shoulder, when I turned around, pretty startled, she put her arms around me and simply cried.

We talked, she states she is having a hard time dealing with everyone knowing what happended with the A and doesnt know how she is going to handle facing my mother, brothers and friends.

I explained that all, as they have stated, wanted our marriage to work out and that all love her and will not persecute her for what happended, and like all things it will take time. I also explained that I would not tolerate anyone criticizing her. This is something we would face TOGETHER.

She then stated she doesnt know how she will get the intimate feeling back, although I know that once she gets over the OP this will not be a problem, but I did explain that we have to become friends again. All conversations since the A have been tense and have led to arguements, I tried to avoid such, but at time she would come sporting for one, once he is out, again, we can get back to a normal frame of mind.

I did speak with her this morning on the phone at work, OP is back from vacation. Her demeanor was very open, talkative and the person she was before the A, she is trying, it is encouraging.

I keep praying that the fog is lifted or at least starting to, but, this has gone on for 8 months now, I can hope, pray and remain optomistic, but I also have to be realistic.

Send a prayer rookie's way folks... thanks

Lord, you know Rookie is trying to help out his wife and trying to save his marriage. Lord we know You could do miracle and You have Your way to let Your children have choices. However please hold off the evil away for their intentions are hurt and destroying life of Your children. Strengthen Rookie's emotion to work on salvaging his marriage and give him your wisdom to act/speak/convey with Your grace. Deliver his wife away from OM and earthly desire from him so that rookie would have his chance to show her Your Grace. In the name of Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit, we prayed and asked you. Amen.

Rookie, you are back into 'coaster. This is promising development but if this 'coaster turn downward ... don't act harshly. Vent here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[QUOTE]
" she put her arms around me and simply cried.

We talked, she states she is having a hard time dealing with everyone knowing what happended with the A and doesnt know how she is going to handle facing my mother, brothers and friends."

Good. She approached you as you were involved in getting the house ship-shape [read: the place needs to look appealing to buyers.]

"I explained that all, as they have stated, wanted our marriage to work out and that all love her and will not persecute her for what happended, and like all things it will take time. I also explained that I would not tolerate anyone criticizing her. This is something we would face TOGETHER."

Excellent! Presenting a united front to the world as you rebuild.

"She ... doesnt know how she will get the intimate feeling back, although I know that once she gets over the OP this will not be a problem, but I did explain that we have to become friends again. All conversations since the A have been tense and have led to arguements, I tried to avoid such, but at time she would come sporting for one, once he is out, again, we can get back to a normal frame of mind."

Great! Reality is sinking in!

"I did speak with her this morning on the phone at work, OP is back from vacation. Her demeanor was very open, talkative and the person she was before the A, she is trying, it is encouraging."

Now is the time for her to hold firm to NC.

"I keep praying that the fog is lifted or at least starting to"

Appears the fog is burning off once the light hits it.

Enjoying vicarious happiness for rookie, Bellevue is smiling!

Guys, never really been the overly emotional type, but, this is hitting home.

Thanks for your concerns and prayers.

Gotta keep plugging,

Rookie

By the way, Bears Vs. Colts. Aug. 9th., pre-season.
Rooks prediction, Bears by 3.

The W has been over everyday since Friday.

Son is now in football, practive is 5:30-7:30, for him to go, she now has to come to the house to make dinner as we dont get home till 8, we had our 1st practice yesterday and after dinner, the W and S left at 9, doesnt make much sense, since he is back here at 7A.

Yesterday when she did come I noticed she did not have her wedding ring on, stated she forgot to put it on, was OP's first day back at work from vacation.

Her attitude was ok, but I could tell a differance, a little more obstinant, but I do expect this for the time being. There is no way at this point if I know they are talking at work or not.

I did call OP last night, he would not answer the phone but I left him a message, stated to him" I have a wife and son I care about and am worried about, my W asked you not to speak with her or have contact her, out of decency I am asking you to leave her alone and honor her request", honeslty, I did not get rude or uptight on the message, as hard as it was not to reach through the phone and strangle his [censored], I was polite.Do I expect him to honor the request, when pigs fly.

I'll see if she FORGOT her wedding ring and what her attitude is tonight, football is Mon-Thurs, so I will be seeing her everynight this week.

Friday the son and I leave for a weeks vacation, fishing, she was supposed to go, but changed her work schedule when the problems srose and is not going.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rookie:
<strong> ... stated she forgot to put it on, was OP's first day back at work from vacation.

Her attitude was ok, but I could tell a differance, a little more obstinant, but I do expect this for the time being. There is no way at this point if I know they are talking at work or not.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
WS would act diffrenetly if they have contact with OP. You could tel by their actions. Her actions was alarming and keep your guard up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Friday the son and I leave for a weeks vacation, fishing, she was supposed to go, but changed her work schedule when the problems srose and is not going.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you ask her again ?, at least for the weekend. If you go and she stays behind I urge you to find a way to snoop and verify her where about.

-rh-

Going to place a voice activated recorder in a strategic location, if she is on the phone with him I will know, but I am going to have a hard time getting it without my son knowing it, as I have him now ALL the time till bout 9 at night, stores are closed at that time so I'm going to have to be creative how I get it.

Also, sent her flowers this morning to her work place, two fold answer to that one, 1st is since this like a plan A as I have to have daily contact with her now, I want the best to be shown and give her something to think about.

I have not been arguing with her at all and have tried to make our contacts as non-confrontational as possible,though she does try to keep the intesity level up I remain calm. She continually states she cant move in because of the arguments we have had and she does not want to live with that intesnity, hence, the intensity is now gone.

2nd reason is the OP hoovers around her area, I want him to see that there is nothing I wont do to rectify our marriage and that I have not given up, that was also one of the reasons I called the ahole last night.

I know he reads her e-mail, he is in charge of the computer systems for her work,he is the one,that monitors the emails of employees to determine the use of the systems at work (that is a kick in the pants since he is the biggest abuser).

Funny, she accused me of late as being controling, keeping tabs on her and such, and here he is doing more so than I would ever think of.

rookie,

The flowers were a nice touch! Any way of getting into her car to leave her a little note on the dash? My W especially likes it when I do that. (It also affords me the opp to check her cell phone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> She usually doesn't clear the call logs until she gets home from work. (she hasn't cleared it in a week, hopefully the result of nothing to hide!)
I leave her little notes in places where she wouldn't expect to find them. This morning's note was by her contact case, and was the quote that TMCM uses in his signature line, "...if you could see yourself through my eyes..." (Thanks TMCM)

Hope things continue to improve for you with no surprises!

Have you read my thread on Just found out ?

r0uter

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: r0uter ]</small>

You sent a Plan B letter 2 weeks ago. What happened with that?
This shows your wife you can say something and not really mean it.

That way when you tell her you want to save the marraige and will do positive thngs for the relationship, she sees that you can't do what you say (see above).

Either you are in Plan B or ou are not in Plan B. Where are you?

Two things happened Chris

She did come to the house asking to go to marriage counseling, something she hasnt done, and she stated she wanted to try to make the marriage work, but as she added, I dont know if it will work, that was not encouraging.

She did send the OP a nc, this was verified.

2nd., my son is now in football, Mon-Thurs we are at practice and dont get home till almost 8Pm., she HAS to help out at the house with dinner otherwise it would be sandwiches or Micky D's for the next couple months till the season is over.

I'm not excited by her efforts, so far, just showing up for dinner and leaving to go to the parents house is not what I would call a effort on her part.. gotta keep chugging

Router, how's your sitch going? any better or still stuck in the mud?

By the way, did get that recorder, sent the son to play video games while I shopped.

She did come to the house asking to go to marriage counseling,
And the appt is when?

I'm not excited by her efforts, so far, just showing up for dinner and leaving to go to the parents house is not what I would call a effort on her part.. gotta keep chugging
And she probably won't make much of an effort. It is up to YOU to do a lot of the leg work.

Rookie, Chris is right about you doing a lot of the initial leg work. I know it's unfair but unfortunately life, in general, is anything but fair.

I'd like to suggest that you start planning 15 hours per week as a couple without family and friends. Like Sue from 'Surviving An Affair', the only way that your W is going to fall back in love with you is if the two of you make time for each other, as a couple WITHOUT the presence of family or friends. But YOU have to start the ball rolling and make this a requirement for your NEW marriage with her.

The 15 hours right now is very difficult, she is living at her mom's and she is here for about a hour each night for dinner.

Going on vacation Fri., she is not going, sooo,gonna have to wait till I get back.

I am sure she it talking to the OP at work, am not all that convinced it's work related. That is why I purchased the recorder, will see when I get back if she is calling/he is calling.

She did state tonight that she does have intentions of moving back in, some time, but....only words. If she was really interested in making it work, she'd be here. Breaks my heart to see her and the son leave everynight.

I have a appointment with my IC on Thurs and she on Fri. I told her to make the appt, as we have to wrok around her work schedule at this time, she said she would make the appt., again, I'll see, if not I am going to tentativley set one up when I see my IC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The 15 hours right now is very difficult, she is living at her mom's and she is here for about a hour each night for dinner.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is difficult but a very worthwhile goal if your intention is for her to fall in love with you again. After all, you did make time for her when you were courting her, isn't that right? Why not do so again?

rookie,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Router, how's your sitch going? any better or still stuck in the mud? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Flingin' mud like a mad man! Things are progressing very well. Faster than I expected, so I am trying to maintain a realistic expectation. Yesterday, I was able to talk with her about a sensitive situation without any tension at all. In fact, we finished with smiles and hugs. Last night she actually got intimate with me and fulfilled one of my top EN's!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope that your W's talk turns to action. I was very skeptical too, when my W started doing more things for me. Fortunately, all of my worries so far have been unfounded. She has been totally honest and open with me. (I have been verifying this!)

More later...

r0uter