I just thought we could start a thread and talk about Plan B. Maybe if there is anyone out there that has been doing plan B and can shed some light on the feelings that I am going to have, and suggestions on things to do while in Plan B (instead of dating or looking at other men..LOL). I just started Plan B this morning and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders already. I just know this feeling isn't going to last forever though. I am sure I will go through withdrawals also, or maybe not considering that WH really hasn't been here much. Input appreciated.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

bump---

NY, how do you feel in Plan B? I am seriously considering Plan B. I don't want to see him, i don't want to iron his clothes, i don't want to be his servant anymore. It hurts me a lot.

Well I feel sad actually. I kind of feel like LL. Like he is just going to forget about me forever. But that is okay if he does I guess. I just started it this morning so I am not sure what to feel at this point. I am scared I guess, like I said scared that he is going to forget about me. But I needed off the rollercoaster ride big time. I thought I was gonna hurl seeing him and knowing he was with her. Now they can go make house and I don't have to see him or know about it. Not only that but with the NC thing between my S and the OW from the judge today, it will probably make his relationship even more difficult at this point. We will see what happens, the odds are stacked against them. But is hard to tell.

Why do you need to see a judge for Plan B?

I love Plan B. I haven't been in a great one, but good enough. I'm happy all of the time, don't miss H being around, am off the rollercoaster, can finally enjoy myself.

I used to spend 90% of my energy trying to make H happy while he was spending 90% of his energy trying to make OW happy. Now I have the energy to work on my own life, spend time with kids, and friends, and doing what I want to do.

The longer I have been in Plan B, the better my life has become. I wasted a lot of time obsessing about them.

My house is clean, my finances are doing okay. My H is having financial problems big time. OW has no where to live, but with H, or some band they met. She is not working, is away from her daughter. Actually I would rather be the BS than be in their shoes.

I never thought I would get over this, but I did.

L&H

I didn't have to see a judge about that. I went to custody hearing today and I told the judge that my son has been acting out from his father being absent. The judge was very sincere to my request and has issued a custody order that the OW can't be around my 3 year old S for six months. This will in fact make their relationship very hard for them. His family is already disgusted with him and her, so now he will have no one but himself.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: HopefulinNY ]</small>

Where is the custody hearing? I want to do the same thing.

Lost and Hurt

I went to my local county building and filled out custody paperwork and went from there.

How's Plan B going? Be sure to stay busy at first.

Plan B is going really great! I emailed the pastor last night and asked for prayer, and my daughter had a friend over. We got a nintendo game cube, and I put all the work on hold and just played with them last night. I think I will be fine on Plan B. It is much better than the rollercoaster ride. In fact I might just like it forever.......

It is great to hear that. Enjoy your time with the kids.

L&H

I hope you form some kind of a plan soon. I hate to see you just floating out there somewhere. I figure it this way. I am in a lot less pain now, so it must have been the right decision for me. I don't really have any hopes for the future with WH. But I put it in GODS hands now, he must have a plan for me and my kids. If H ever gets his head out of his [censored], maybe we could have a nice life together. If not we will have a good life without him I am sure, it won't be the same but I will still make it good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good for you. I think you will like Plan B. The longer I have been in it, the more I appreciate it. The peace is so nice.

Now I can dedicate my energy to my boys and my life. My WH sucked up so much of my energy and resources that it is now a huge relief.

Thanks Believer...I know I made the right choice. I feel very good about all of my decisions in my life right now including Plan B. So far everything is going my way. I am not even having withdrawals from him because my love bank was very low at the end here. I was starting to be in the red if you know what I mean?

Yes I know exactly what you mean. The other great thing about Plan B is your expectations change, and when you no longer expect something, you don't get disappointed.

Believer,

Thanks you are absolutely correct. Wish I had done this weeks ago. Right after our false recovery.

Ny, you are feeling so well in Plan B. It is good for you. I am seriously thinking about it. But hard to put it in action. I have to weigh the balance between two plans.

L&H

I am feeling good. You should get a plan and stick to it. Now that Plan B is in tact, I am able to move forward with MY life and have more fun with my kids. I also see myself as less sad with the situation at hand. Like Believer says, you don't have the disappointment in your life, because there is no expectations. Only what you set for yourself. You can't control other people and their doings. But YOU can control YOU. That is what you have to learn to do. This is what I am learning now. I am in here somewhere, I just lost myself for a while. I am slowly coming out of my shell. I am going to start IC again this week and hopefully I will feel even better yet and my children will benefit from this also. I am also going to start them in counseling.

NY, I think I may do it. I will talk to in laws tonight.

L&H

Please post if you do. And post some more. I am here for you, we are here for you. We only have each other. No one else understands unless they have gone through this. None of my friends on the outside understand. They all think I am an idiot for wanting my H to come home. Of course they only see my WH right now. They don't know that they are two people like I do. My best friend is getting married in June. My wedding present to her and her husband will be his needs/her needs book. I hope they read it together and learn from it. So they never have to have this happen in their lives. They don't understand anything I say. They tell me to just get over it and him. Easy for them to say, not easy for me to do. So far this is working the best for me. Glad I didn't wait any longer. I am not going to say it is easy because it isn't always easy. Out of sight out of mind. I just hope it isn't the same for WH.

My experience is that I see alot more of my WH since I've been in Plan B and going on with my life. Even with the slips I've made it is easier to talk to him now, because I am off the rollercoaster.

I am doing things to fill my needs. I'm looking forward to things again. It is great. I don't have that horrible sadness in my heart anymore.

I was in Plan A for several weeks rather than months and it was getting hard to keep my love for my WH so I decided with help from mortarman to go into Plan B when I recieved the following email from my WH


I wanted to speak to you anyway about my looking after the children be it at a weekend or when you're on call. My being away from home or Ria not being able to stay in the house when the children are their, is really putting a strain on our relationship. Although she says that she is okay with it, i know it's stressing her out and so it makes life really difficult for us. I really need you to consider letting them stay over mine, otherwise i think that if i continue to stay over i wont have a relationship to salvage, so i will have to give it a miss looking after them when you're on call. If i dont have the children on the Thursday then i am sure that me and Ria will have to come to some sort of compromise with regards to the children coming to the flat. But i want to make it work with Ria and i know all this is slowly tearing us apart.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't make you flip. I'm not saying that i don't want to look after the children, you know i will look after them whenever you want me to, but i need to be able to bring them to mine, Ria present or not, otherwise my relationship with Ria is going to be over.

I did not have a chance to give him the PBL as I told WH to stay away for the whole of March to give him time to decide if he wants a relationship with his children. I have a copy of my PBL all over the place but the time and situation has not been right to give it to him. I am sure that by the end of March I shall be able to give it to him but in the meantime I know I am in Plan B and have had NC for 10 days now.

What a relief it is, no more hassle, no more worries, no more wandering what WH is thinking, feeling, doing, no more jumping when the phone rings, life is so much more relaxed. The childen seem more relaxed and accepted that they will not see their father for a month.

I have just spoken to WH brother and his tells me he saw him last night for the first time in six weeks, WH seems to have abandoned his family also. It was my MIL birthday on Sun and WH was no where to be seen until last night. WH brother says WH looks terrible, lost weight but he won't confide in brother. WH did not mention OW at all his only concern was losing the family home and not having his rights. He cannot afford a solicitor and he has no money. WH brother asked for my advice can you believe it! I told him that there was nothing I could do that WH has to sort himself out and work it out for himself I was happy with my life and getting on with it going out socialising not sitting around waiting. I don't know if I was preaching to myself I quite surprised myself at how well I am it was as if someone had just switched on the light to the end of the tunnel. Everyone says how PlanB is for yourself to heal and work on you but I didn't really believe it would work but it does and you don't know until you are on the way to healing etc. Anyway I have gone on a bit now but just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. If it is getting too much to bear and your feelings are changing and you feel you could LB all the time then it is time to get out, time for Plan B.

Just so people understand when I am on call I stay away from home the night !!! I don't stay at home with my WH.

feelingit

I agree with you. The last time I saw WH I was an emotional wreck. I haven't seen or talked to him since the 5th. I am doing very good for myself. I have gotten some of the books recommended on this site, my kids are doing better and overall Plan B is working for me. I am actually rethinking the whole do I want him back thing these days. I am kind of liking living with my kids and not having to answer to anyone. My WH was such a depressing person even before the A and he wouldn't get help. It seems weird to be able to laugh with the kids again, and not have that elephant sitting in the room staring at us. WH really needs help for depression, I guess I didn't realize how down he was pulling me until he was gone. I am sad without him, but I don't miss all the down time I had when with him. I am glad things are going good for you. I hope things get better for L&H soon.

NY

Ny, thank you for thinking about me. I sure want to feel better. But I can imagine live without him. First, sending kids to school will be a problem. There are many other thing I can't do around the house. Especially that kids aren't happy. I don't know what to do. Just hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.

L&H

I have the same problem around the house. I have learned to do it all. I take out the trash all the way to the end of the driveway. I burn all the trash. Take care of two kids, two dogs and a cat. Plow the driveway with the fourwheeler. Clean, cook, sew. I do it all now. And I have had two back surgeries and we have a two story house. I never thought I could do it all. You will find inner strength somehow. If you can't do it, ask a friend or hire someone. I got so sick of waiting for the railings to get put on, I am hiring someone finally. You will get through it. I know what you mean though. I never thought I could live without him either, and here I am, living proof that you can exsist without a man. Good Luck and you are in my prayers!

We are strong women. We can do this. The longer my WH is gone, the more I can do. After almost a year, I can do it all. There is nothing I depend on him for. And it feels good.

You know, before this I was a kick [censored] strong, independant woman. I always said I didn't need a man to take care of me and I could support myself.

Now, with my marriage going to hell in a handbasket, I have become this whimpering, tear stained mess. Gone is the woman who would've served my husband his balls on a silver platter for cheating on me. The woman who cries at the drop of a hat and who can hardly get out of bed somedays has taken over her body.

I hear about so many woman being so damn strong during separations and divorces. I am so proud of them because I had absolutely no idea how hard it would be.

ICAFM

You have to find your inner strength and pick yourself up off the floor. I was that way for the first 8 weeks, then all of a sudden this woman came out in me from no where. I said I have kids, I have to be strong for them. Esp. when D said I'm okay when you are okay. That showed me right there I had to be strong everyday so she can see me that in that way.

Icouldnotaskformore -

Are you doing things to take care of yourself? That is one of the keys. I was a mess when I first found out. But I promised myself I would take care of me.

First you have to make yourself do things. It will help your self-esteem which has taken a huge blow. You need to build it back up. Do things that you will feel good about.

Anyone that has come out of Plan B with a positive reaction can you please tell me how long it usually lasts and how you know when the fog is lifting? I have only been doing plan B for five days and I am doing fine. I just wanted some insite on how other peoples Plan B's went? How long did it take, how did you know? My WH is still deep in the fog and still in love with OW totally. Today was the first time he saw his own Son in 7 days and didn't even seem to care....I am just freaked out and amazed by all of this. I really think he needs help.

NY, ask Believer. If we count our days, it will be hard. Just keep doing it without any expectation.

Hi there,

Plan B is for YOU! Don't have expectations about him, nor a timeline, or it will drive you batty!

What are your long-term goals? What are you going to do with all this time you are saving by not obsessing about WH any more? What are your dreams?

believer gave you a list of stuff she did to keep busy...what's on your list???

For Plan B inspiration, I will direct you to posts by Just J...she's what I nicknamed the MB poster girl (although believer is doing an awesome job now too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )...what I mean by that is someone that jumped full-on into Plan B to make it work for them...and it has...if you read her thread, you'll see that gradually she found acceptance that her M was not going to work out...but she found inner peace herself...she's in a really rough situation in other ways, but she has lists...boy does she ever!

Things like how grateful she was at Christmas, counting her many blessings in life...firelight...tickling baby on rug...being tucked into bed by her cousin and nurtured when she was sick...she has found inner peace and happiness within herself...that's my point...

I am a bit of a crusader on this point...I believe that you NEED to find this too, we all do...it is the best thing we can do for ourselves AND for our M...

continuing to focus on the M, anxiety, sadness, anger...they are simply not helpful at all...not now, not in recovery...

take the time and focus on yourself for a change...you are MORE than worth it you know...awed

For whatever reason, I never come over to this board, so just found this thread today.

ICNAFM,

As for your post from a couple days ago:

You know, before this I was a kick [censored] strong, independant woman. I always said I didn't need a man to take care of me and I could support myself. Now, with my marriage going to hell in a handbasket, I have become this whimpering, tear stained mess.

This very thing happened to me. I took care of everything (except car oil changes, scooping snow, and mowing the lawn, basically, before all this happened. I can deal with all the family business dealings. I can deal with school. I can deal on a new house or a new car.

But when the A started and I realized I might very easily lose my 'other half', my entire life fell apart and I've been a basket case off and on for nearly 5 months now.

I'm much better than I was 2 or 3 months ago. Even though I don't exactly have an appetite most of the time, I can actually chew and swallow food again. I can go to work and do reasonably well. I am taking care of my bills. But he still pops to mind very frequently and I find myself wondering things like "will he come back, does he still love me, is he thinking about me and missing me like I miss him, what are he and OW woman doing?" And when I let these thoughts get out of control, they can really wreck a few days!

LL

The way I look at it, whether they come back or not, we still have to go on with life. And I intend to have a good life. I've already spent enough time being miserable. Now I am going to be happy.

If WH comes back, fine. If not, I will build a new life without him.

Believer you hit it right on target. I am in the meantime right now. Working on myself, making me a better person. If comes back I will be a whole lot different then when he left, if he doesn't then he won't get to know the new me, the better me and that will be his problem and his loss.

Life does go on and kids don't get younger they get older and someone has to be there for them.

NY,

Still doing well in Plan B? What's on tap for the house refurb this weekend??

I'm very upset about what I thought was fog lifting and then everything slamming back down last night and me getting my head bit off. Perhaps I should go to MY garage with a couple big garbage bags and just start tossing anything that doesn't look important (or that I don't understand it's purpose)???

LL

LL

I am still in Plan B and doing great here. Sorry to hear you are not doing so good. I wish you had stuck to the real Plan B and you would feel so much better I think. It is hard, I will tell you that, but with time it is getting easier and easier. It almost like he was never her to begin with anymore. I have no idea where he is or who he is with. I don't keep tabs, I don't follow him, I know nothing about him at all. The funny thing is, I don't care anymore. He isn't the man I married and until he is, I don't care to have anything to do with him. As long as he keeps paying the bills here at the house, I don't care about any of it. Keep your chin up. Things will either go one way or the other.

NY

Sounds like you are doing fine in Plan B. I do very well, except WH comes around every 10 days or so.

It is very peaceful getting off the rollercoaster. I'm like you, I have no idea what he is doing, and I don't care. It makes it easier to get on with life.

Very much so Believer.

My in laws are coming this morning and I am sure that will bring many tears. I miss them so much and so do the kids. They always treated my D as one of their own, and she has felt very left out. I am glad you are doing better today also.

NY

Hello, yes, I'm the Plan B poster child. Can't say that my marriage got much good out of it, but I have. I'm 'becoming unmarried' these days, slowly but surely. I wish I didn't have to, but I understand my own process of moving on and I understand that it's unlikely that I'll be able to stall myself forever.

I haven't yet been on a date, though I did finally join Match.com. I don't really want to date so much as I want the comfort of adult company, of conversation, of holding and being held.

But I have to go through the dating part to get back to that state of intimacy. I understand that even though I don't like it.

I would like to finish my business with WP before I begin that process, and I suspect I'm self-sabotaging my attempts to begin dating right now because of that. That's okay, too. I'm not in a rush, though occasionally my entire body feels like it's being magnetically pulled to kiss the guy standing next to me in the elevator. (I resist when that happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

At the end of December, I will be contractually able to enter into a marriage or civil union. My real goal right now is to be able to do that in other ways. Head clean, heart clean, finances clean, etc. Having a candidate on hand is not as important to me as having created an environment where that's something I can be open to.

So most of my effort is focused there. And on small things -- the indentation that my wedding band made is slowly leaving my ring finger. This is what the end of Plan B looks like. The slow fading of the last signs, on your body and in your mind, of the marriage you had and the agony of its end.

Yesterday I went through a momentary rage at something my WP wrote -- she mentioned having OM act in a parental capacity toward our DD sometime in the future, after the limit on that is over. It burned me for an hour or so, a seemingly endless time when I wanted to rage and scream and call her all kinds of names.

I didn't. I replied to the one thing in her note that had to be answered, and left the rest of it for some other lifetime, for some other battle to be fought by someone else.

Her life is hers, and while she may think it's okay for OM to act as a parent to our DD, I don't have to give up my time (which was what was being asked for) with DD so that WP and OM can go on a little trip with DD. It doesn't matter that the Parenting Coordinator thinks it's okay. I still get to say no, I won't give up my time with DD for that purpose.

I envision many years of saying no to that kind of thing. Bummer for WP and OM. But healthy for DD.

Just J

I appreciate your honesty. I also am not looking forward to the dating scene. I started to go out to meet friends one night, got lost, freaked out and thought what was I doing going in the first place. I cried all the way home and the rest of the night.

My indentation is slowly going away also. 7 years is a long time to wear it and then just set it aside. It is hard, I do not see Plan B working for recovery for us either. I may be wrong, but my WH is very stubborn and falls very hard for women.

I hope he comes around before I don't want him to. I also am not looking forward to OW meeting my S and having a relationship with him. Neither are WH parents. Time will tell what happens though.

NY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NY, I am glad you are doing well and your brunch went well too. Keep you in prayer.

L&H

I pray for you also. Sounds like things might be looking up for you though. I hope so!

NY

NY, I just hang in there. I have to book the tickets before he changes his mind.

Lostnhurt -

Hope you are still doing well. I know what you feel about feeling calm, but expecting something else to happen.

You are doing very well so far. So just keep it up.

I have read this thread with great interest...I too was like all of you but Believer you have given me so much hope for the future with your posts...at first I could not sleep at nights wondering where WS was and what he was doing...then someone suggested to me that one way they got through this was this concept...if your WS had passed away you would still have to put the pieces of your life together and move on..when I go to bed each night I say to myself ..WS is gone and that helps me to sleep...I am now sleeping through the night and with a month of no contact I am on the raod to recovery focusing on my friends and the wonderful support I have...

NO

Thanks for replying. I too look at it like he is gone for good. It was hard the first few days, I cried like hell. But now with all of his stuff gone and not seeing him, Plan B really is for me. I am not going to say it is always easy because it isn't, but I am taking care of me now. I am a far better mother than I ever was with him here that is for sure. He really brought me down in so many ways.

So many things would have to change before he would ever be allowed back in my life again. I refuse to be with someone who acts like an elephant without a trunk. No humor, no laughter, no nothing. He is virtaully dead inside with depression, and that would be the first plan of attack. If he wasn't willing to do that, he wouldn't be coming back. Life is too short to live with a downer like he was. I am an extrovert, I love being around people and talking. He likes watching tv and sitting around or in the garage. By himself.......great fun. Anyway I am glad you are doing good. Keep on going. Plan B all the way!

NY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NY, good to hear you are doing well. Keep it up.

lostnhurt....WS is a control freak ..from finances to down to what channel we watched on TV...now that Plan B is in effect he hates the fact that he cannot control my every move and worse than that hates the fact that with no contact cannot find out what I am doing...it is nice to be in the driver's seat for a change...you have to take back control of your life...WS is still coming up with excuses to blame me for the breakdown of the marriage and they are getting pretty silly now...the bottom line here is until he faces his own demons nothing will change for us...he is a very private and bury your head in the sand type of guy when it comes to all the hurt and pain he has caused me, his family and friends and the lies that he still tells is pitiful...this is not the man I married and I stress to him that the man I want back is the moral, credible, family orientated man I married ...will he return to that state...only he has that answer...in the meantime I will work on myself day by day getting stronger and confident in the woman I am becoming...

NO

I am with you on all of that. Read my post in Questions II, about my WH calling me today. I am a better and stronger person than I thought I was now.

NY

NO and NY,

You two seem to really be strong and have it together. I really wish I was a stronger person, or could make myself have that outlook on life. I feel rather wimpy most of the time.

I'm glad your Plan B's are having the effect they're supposed to on you. Had I have done Plan B correctly when I tried on 2/25, I would have been a month into it now and would have probably been feeling better. Can't change the past, though.

I just keep praying that this A is ended or burns itself out before I burn out, and like NO said, that my decent, moral (or in his case, semi-moral) H reappears. The way he is right now is NOT the man I married.

LL

Hehe. I'm off work this coming work. I'm goint to enjoy myself and do what I want.

WH was a sports nut. So since he has been gone, there is no football in my house. Also I got through March madness without watching a single basketball game.

I cook when I want, and sometimes not at all. My money goes for things I want, not things he wants. Really it was just like someone here said -He was a giant flea, sucking the life out of me.

Lordslady and NY...I try to be strong but I have my days...it is tough to be on my own faced with an uncertain future but come from strong stock...my maternal side right down from my grandmother were strong woman...my father died fairly young leaving my Mom to figure out a way to raise three children at home...she did it and is my mentor ...we have several talks about how she coped but she states what I am going through is much worse than death for her...she had her children at home to take her mind off her situation...I have none but I take it day to day...my WS picked up the grandchildren today and took them out to breakfast...my DIL has not spoken to him since the last time he promised me he was committed to reconciliation and called me over the phone to tell me he was going back to OW...my son is so hurt by all of this and my heart aches for him to be in the middle of all of this...it is hard for me to be me but I suspect knowing number one that the woman he is seeing now has no respect from Jo Public because of the fact that she carried on an affair with a married man and willfully lied to her children that he was not married says volumes about her..son and his wife will not allow grandchildren to be in her presence or near her problem children..therefore hubby does not dare take grandchildren anywhere near her and has to take them out on his own...as Dr.Phil states..."How is this working for ya WS" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...I definitely would rather be me than WS just knowing he is facing all these issues...

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Hi, I am new to plan B.

How do you handle visitation with the kids?

I can't burden my family with being in the middle so that I have NC with H, but on the same hand I don't want to be around H.

I do not trust him to be with the kids without me. He has never really taken the kids without me anywhere.

Any suggestions would be great.

What if H comes home and refuses to leave and won't stick to my boundery?

I don't have anywhere to go and my boundery is to stop contact with other woman (there's more than 1)

How do you handle visitation with the kids?

Decide when your H can see them. Write down a schedule. Give it to him with your Plan B letter. If he has problems with it, he can negotiate THROUGH YOUR INTERMEDIARY. Not directly with you.

I can't burden my family with being in the middle so that I have NC with H, but on the same hand I don't want to be around H.

Check out Penny Tupy's site -- she arranges for e-mail intermediaries for all information that needs to be passed back and forth.

I do not trust him to be with the kids without me. He has never really taken the kids without me anywhere.

Uhm, they're 3 and 6? It's probably time he learned how to do that.

Any suggestions would be great.

When he picks them up, don't allow him to come into the house. The kids go out to meet him, he doesn't come in to gree them.

What if H comes home and refuses to leave and won't stick to my boundery?

1. Leave.
2. Call the police if he becomes violent.

I don't have anywhere to go

Then stay in your home. You can do this.

and my boundery is to stop contact with other woman (there's more than 1)

Uhm, well, yeah! That's a pretty reasonable boundary.

Well I guess I need to feel sorry for myself (a little). I have 8 grandchildren who I was very close to. When WH got a girlfriend and I refused to take him back, I lost all contact with my grandchildren. WH's kids blame me for not taking him back. I think that this is what hurts me the most.

What's the objective of keeping WS from physical contact with the house?

One only option I really had was for H to visit with kids inside the house and I would go shopping for a couple of hours.

What do ya think?

"Well I guess I need to feel sorry for myself (a little). I have 8 grandchildren who I was very close to. When WH got a girlfriend and I refused to take him back, I lost all contact with my grandchildren. WH's kids blame me for not taking him back. I think that this is what hurts me the most."

Sorry I cannot find the click that says reply with quote <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Believer...I am so sorry to hear this...this is so unfair...I know that my two grandaughters give me the strength to carry on...when I go visit them they run to me clinging telling me they love that is all I need to hear to pick me up...I have their pictures of two little smiling faces on my nightstand and that is what I see each morning and night before I go to bed..they made a guardian angel for me for Christmas and I have that hanging in between their pics...I so wish there was something that could be done for you to change their minds...my hope is that with time when they see what a wonderful, strong woman you are those grandchildren will come to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Believer,

I feel sorry for you, too, about the grandchildren. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That doesn't seem fair, or right. (Of course none of this crud with the A seems fair or right, does it?) I hope they can see in time that it was not your fault but the decision(s) made by your WH that put you in this situation, and that you will be able to reconcile with them.

I agree that kids/grandkids would be helpful in this situation. I do have kids, but they're teens so they're either off doing their own thing, or DD is trying her level best to make my life a miserable Hades. When I separated 12 years ago, they were just little, and it does help to have a little child (of your own, or a grandchild) throw their arms around you and say "I love you". I don't get that anymore.

LL

Well I still have my two boys - 18 and 21. They are good sons. I see them everyday and they invite me to go fishing, or whatever they are doing. So I am very blessed there.

Also I have kids in the neighborhood that I do things with. And I have an "adopted" grandson. He is 2. His parents don't speak very much English, so I have made it my project to teach him, since he is just learning to talk.

Believer, is it very nice of you to teach a little boy. I don't see how all these WHs throw the tresures away. I need to learn from you. I am weak again.

NY, how are you doing today?

Not good! I posted over in GQII. Plan B is so lonely. I am completely in the dark. Totally, no words, no sight no nothing. Just feeling sad. I had a very lonely and terrible weekend by myself. I had hard time. IC says is will get better. I am waiting for it to get better, tired of spending my Sat. nites crying at the computer alone. Dating is starting to sound good.

NY

Hi everyone...I have been in Plan B for about a month with contact only by email in regards to finances...I have sent WS a few posts here and he has read them but his response was some articles are ok but do not reflect my position...what the hell does that mean?...is he so different from other WS here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ..he states that he knows he cannot go on living like this and hopes that things will become clear for him..meanwhile he is drowning himself in his work...I told him that is good but at some point in his life he has to decide where he wants to be in 20 years...(we have been married for 30 years)...in a stable family environment...with family and good moral friends that love him or alone...I also stated that he must know that I will find someone soon and move on..is that what he wanted?...just gave him some thoughts to digest...personally I am getting tired of waiting for him to find himself...he may want to stay in limbo forever but I am not willing to do so for long...are there any statistics here for success in regards to:

1) long term marriages 30 years or so that have recovered.
2) letting the affair die off on it's own...how successful is this?
3) coming back and going through withdrawl...we tried four times at reconciliation and each time he resumed contact with OW..very painful for me to go through false hope each time

His affair with OW started in June /02...I had no idea until I found receipt in our car July/04...he was very discreet...did not take her anywhere in public like restaurants, movies etc because we are well known in the city...just out of town and in little hole in the walls where no one would see them...OW frequents the bar scene and he met her one afternoon crying in her beer when he was booking his band in...he felt sorry for her and asked if he could help (set up if I ever saw one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )...these OW know all the tricks of the trade <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> she was distaught because she had to place one of her children in a group home ( my point is what kind of a mother with three kids at home sits in a bar in the middle of the afternoon drinking beer?)...she stroked his ego (amongst other things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) and made him feel important...why wouldn't she...she saw $$ signs as we are well known in the city and WS is a successful businessman...A started with both parties telling her children he was not married...WS stated he wanted to be a male role model for children..great role model the both of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ..lying...teaching it was ok to hurt, lie, cheat and deceive the family hurting at home...OW cannot understand why she cannot control problem children...well dah..honey take a look at your lifestyle...allowing married men to sleep in your home with the children watching...( WS was not the first)...spending time in bars etc...well you get the picture...how difficult is it for Ws to chose A) OW and her environment or B)...a loving family, with two adoring grandchildren...moral and respectful wife, moral friends, years of history with many common interests, wonderful trips together, wonderful family gatherings of shared love...throw away 30 years of hard work where we are now at the place in our lives where we could have had the world by the tail...travelling, spending time at our Florida home..this is the first year in 5 that we have not spent the winter there...sorry folks I just don't get it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

I hear you NO. I am at a place where I am thinking divorce is the way to go also. I am ready to throw in the towel most days. Just waiting on some financial stuff. Infidelity is automatic grounds for D in NY, so I don't even have to wait on that. I just don't want to be one of those statistics that is sorry two years down the road over a D. For the other questions you have, post them over in general Questions, the experts know all the statistics over there. I know none of them. This roller coaster ride sucks for sure. We had a false recovery also and it hurt worse than Dday.

NY

NY,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't want to be one of those statistics that is sorry two years down the road over a D. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I admit I love my WH very much, I've had many moments (most of them in the last couple weeks) where the logical side of me has said "Why don't I just file for D and get it over with, and start living again." But then I come back to your quote above. What if I did move on, and what if I actually found someone, and even married them, and then my WH woke up? It'd be too late then. Would I regret what I did?

So I'm still hanging in there. His A has been out in the open for 5 months now. It's getting awfully close to that 6-month mark that SAA refers to, and I'm not very hopeful that it will end at that time. It'll probably be one of the few that survive in daylight for 2 years, or even worse, one that survives indefinitely. But for right now, I'm still hanging in there, because I know at this point I'd still rather try a little longer, than bail out and live to regret it.

LL

HopefulinNY,

I’ve been reading your post and it sounds like you were doing so well in Plan B. What happened that made you so sad?? Was it something in particular that triggered it?? I have been in Plan B since 12/1/2003 and it has been good. I won’t say there haven’t been difficult times, but you can get through them.

When I first started my Plan B, I was very good about being busy to keep my mind off my relationship woes. But with the holidays, it became a little difficult to stay busy as my friends were busy too with their families, etc. Without being busy or having plans I started to obsess about what he was doing, how his life seemed to be so perfect. I remember having a conversation with my intermediary and found myself saying phrases like “he gets to. . . .” Her response to me was and why can’t you??? I found myself not thinking positively and focusing on the negatives. She got me to start refocusing on me and what I could do.

One of the hardest things I had to learn to do is to spend time by myself and really enjoy that. For me it was difficult because I always had someone around (either him or the kids), but now I’m actually to a point where I can spend time alone. I happen to live near the ocean so this is a great place to go to think and it’s very relaxing.

You know all too well to keep busy in Plan B. I think at first it’s hard, because for so long you’ve probably been wrapped up in your relationship and the whole situation and it’s hard to think about going out with friends, etc. For me I have a distance barrier, but I did find ways around that. When I knew I would be “alone” (when my youngest son would be visiting his dad) I made sure that I made plans with people in advance so that my weekend was busy. This was really helpful. As I started to feel like I was wearing out my welcome with my friends I decided to volunteer at a local animal shelter. This gave me just another outlet that I could do when my friends were busy, and spending time with animals can make you feel very happy and good about yourself. The busier I kept myself, the less time I had to think about my WH.

I also am using my Plan B time to work on me. I started to dissect my life and see why things happened they way they did. Why do I anger so easily??? Why do I let people do certain things??? How to create healthy boundaries for myself. . . .then I bought book after book after book and I read and I read and I read. I never thought I was a controlling person, but found out that you can be without even really knowing it. Now I know a lot more about myself and I can recognize now when I am on a destructive path and I know more about how to change the behavior so that I don’t have the same outcomes.

I agree that you must do what is right for you. I used to think that once the divorce was final he'd finally be out of my life. But would he? Since we have children together the answer really is no. So then I had to make sure that whatever I was doing, I was doing because it was the right decision for me and my children. I never wanted to look back on anything decision that was made and wonder what if. I feel I have done everything in my power to save my marriage but alas, the WH is still in fogland with his OW. I have no regrets and if our divorce because final (which I believe it will based on his current actions) then I know I have done my best and can walk away and not wonder.

Time is an amazing thing and while it may not feel like it now, you will get to a point where you are happy/content and it won’t matter if your WH comes back or not. Not to say that you wouldn’t want that (I know I wanted him back for a very long time), but it’s definitely a process and as you move through the process and work on yourself you will become stronger, more self-confident, your self-esteem will go up and you will actually find yourself smiling and being happy! There will be tears, oh boy did I have tears, but I worked through them with the help of a lot of great people and now I can actually say I am a whole person again.

Listen to Awed and Just J, they know what they’re talking about. Both are full of inspiration and may challenge you from time to time, but it is those challenges that will make you grow and be a stronger person.

Schmink

Schmink, Your post is very inspirint. I always learn a lot from all these psots. Thank you.

NY, how are you doing today? Be happy.

Schmink,

Thanks for your post. It is only the weekends that I am alone that trigger my sadness. Also on the days when he comes to see S. I have made a conscious decision to file for divorce as soon as the financial situation is settled. It is what is best for me. I am not a forgiving person when it comes to something like this stuff.

I genuinely loved my WH more than anyone. But I put up with so much from him in the 10 years that we were together, when I look back now I was really stupid. He treated my D like crap the whole time she was growing up and I just sat there and let him. We fought constantly about it, but it never did any good. He didn't become a decent person to her until our S was born, then he realized how much you can love a child. During those years it was hard to be affectionate with him because of the way he treated my D. All those years of hatred and anger have built up inside of me and I almost left him a million times. I never did, and then this, the A.

This really is the straw that broke the camels back. I really don't want him back. I think for so long that I was just used to him being here, but he really wasn't here in reality at all. He is self centered and not for me. I wrote him a letter today (breaking Plan B) and told him that I hope they are happy, and that I am filing for D. So I will probably be posting on that site instead before long. Of course that wasn't all that I said in the letter. I am sure there were LBs and everything else. I got my point across.

If he likes trashy women, he can have her. I am moving forward now. IC has helped a lot, to find me. I am not just H's wife anymore, I am a person too!

NY

NY, I can see how hurt you are. HUG to you. I feel terrible now too. But I am still hanging in here. I think that i will die.

Howdy all.
I'm just starting plan B myself. Whole story is over at the Just Found Out forum.
Even with support of WW's family, all our friends, and church family, It's still very lonely. And I will suffer that and all the hurt for a long, long time. I still have the cat to talk to and play with, but he misses his momma.
I'm working with a marriage coach, and that is helping tremendously. Otherwise, I'd have no direction and probably be a wimpering, quivering, mess right now. Hard to get over how so much of plan B feels wrong, but I think I've conquered my doormat-itis. It helps that I'm not the only one that's going through this.
My friends (I never knew I had so many!) have been making the effort to get me out of the house so I don't stew in my own thoughts. Going back to work, and maintaining the house has helped me to cope. But the best so far is this web site and board.

New Outlook,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by New Outlook:
<strong> Hi everyone...I have been in Plan B for about a month with contact only by email in regards to finances</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you send a Plan B letter?

I have sent WS a few posts here and he has read them but his response was some articles are ok but do not reflect my position
How does sending him articles have anything to do with finances to Plan B?

I told him that is good
How is this Plan B?

I also stated that he must know that I will find someone soon and move on
So you are going to date while in Plan B?

just gave him some thoughts to digest
You wrote that you only contacted him for finances.
Trying to educate him has nothing to do with Marriage Builders and is directly out of line with Plan B.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Hi all,

I am planning on starting Plan B. Does anyone have a sample letter I can read for ideas?

thanks

I used the sample letter that is in SAA book. Then you can personalize it any way you want.

NY

Hello--

Reading this thread has given me good insight into Plan B. Helps me understand what BS goes through while in Plan B, so I know I am not alone. I went into Plan B a week ago.

Although my WH says the A is over, he is still working with OW. He wants the marriage back, but his actions are otherwise. He is too busy at work for M. He has moved out and NC. Plan B has been a relief for me. I was struggling with reconciliation because he is not interested in reading or doing anything positive to rebuild the marriage. Then Wham! Wham! Wham! I discovered that he has continued to lie to me the last 12 months. The lies revealed themselves one at a time, slowly and painfully. Couldn't take it anymore, therefore slammed into Plan B. With lots of prayer. Am trying to concentrate on other areas in my life. I have no idea what WH is doing. He says he'll write me a letter (when he has the time).

All I know is, there is no point for him to come back to the marriage if he doesn't work on himself. All I need for me is not to backslide in Plan B and look towards a better, future. WH's birthday is next week, and our 8th wedding anniversary is in two weeks. Do I care? Nope. Enough is enough. There's only so much cr*p I can take. It's much better to cry in my sleep than to be lied to over and over again. At least I know one day, I'll stop crying. I'll never know when he stops lying.

I am looking forward to being UnRuffled one day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ruffled,

Plan B is hard. Let's be here for each other. My WH birthday is next tues. and our 7th anni is on Mon. I have IC on Mon that will help me a little. I know all too well about lies. If you post over on GQII to ARK, she will tell you all about why WS lie, and why they have to for it to be a safe haven for the affair. You are doing right in Plan B if you were feeling not soo good. I have broken Plan B a couple of times and it is not good. WH is coming again today for a fix it job in the basement and then I am leaving when he is done. So hang in there, you go numb after a while.

NY

Hi NY,

I tried looking for ARK's post on WH's lies but couldn't find it. It must be more than 10days old? I couldn't find it when I click on ARK's number of recent posts button either. Is it possible for you to create a link?

Actually, I am beginning to feel quite smug and comfortable in Plan B. It's been a week. Felt enormous pain the first few days, cried myself to sleep, prayed a lot, but for the last three days, I am okay. Not on meds and have been catching up on my sleep too. Went to the gym yesterday and on top of that did two kilometers in the park with my girlfriend.

WH called yesterday (uggh! I have been avoiding his phone calls) and asked to meet this Sunday, so he can 'explain things about the $$ and why he lied about it...' Well to tell you honestly, I have no desire to know. I wouldn't be able to tell if it's more lies anyway. And why should I subject myself to more pain? I have just begun to get better and happier. I don't feel I owe him an audience, even though I know I should listen try to listen to his explanation.

All I really want to say to him is, 'Look. If you have no concrete plans to come back and make this marriage work, don't bother.' And I mean it. I want to hear a full and complete detailed plan in all areas of his life, with timelines. Not some wishy washy I will not do this I will not do that I will make it up to you kinda talk. I want to see the hows, the whens and I want him to be able to rationalize the actions he is taking. Is that asking too much?? I have put up with so much cr@p over the years, NY. If he shows no remorse and is not making true efforts, then can it!!

Don't meet WH this Sunday to listen to another "explanation". They get very wearing after awhile. My WH is like yours, says he wants to reconcile, but doesn't do anything about it.

Then when he is back again with OW, I used to listen to his reasons - "She just showed up at my door. What was I supposed to do?"

You will do much better in Plan B. Also he will know that his old ways no longer work.

By the way, if you are looking for old posts, go to search, and type in the person's member number. You will go back to all of their posts.

Hang in there and don't give up. We are here for you. And sorry for the threadjack NY.

Eh, believer, you know I woke up today, thought about the meeting and boy, FEAR dawned on me. Fear of what he's gonna tell me, more lies uncovered etc. Eh, I didn't want to see him. I need my sanity right now.

But we did speak. And yes, he gave me some lame reason for lying about his finances. I LBed a little and said, so you needed to take one and a half day off work to think about what you told me? Couldn't you have told me when I asked you about it? Anyways. It don't matter to me as I don't know whether he's lying again or not.

I haven't had much problems in Plan B. For a minute on Thursday, I miss him and needed some affection from him. I know what triggered it. Brushed it off. He claims he's no longer with OW, but he hasn't made genuine and heartfelt efforts to rebuild this relationship. When I try to guide him, he acts like a baby. It makes drives me nuts. I hate being his mother.

So yes, I am in Plan B and will make sure I work on myself when I'm here. I am reading more for my personal understanding and growth in this broken relationship, prettying myself up and trying to do my projects a little better at the office. Mom is very supportive, I go home for dinner quite frequently. My friends are kinda busy these days, so I'm gonna spend sometime at the library, the movies or the beauty parlour. O I have never been this vain in my life, but it feels darn good to look at myself in the mirror!! YES!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ps. Thanks for the tip on getting old posts. R

Take good care of yourself and get some interests and activities going. I have been very busy, exercising, painting, organizing, doing the yard, etc. I have also leaned heavily on neighbors, friends, and people at work, letting them know I need to get out and do things.

And buy a full length pillow to sleep with. You can snuggle up to it at night, and it doesn't snore, or hog all of the covers.

Yes, I think I'll do that!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Thanks. R

Well I'm still in my half-baked Plan B. Ho-hum. How's everyone else doing?

Believer,

What did you decide on D and retirement thing? I am doing good here. Thanks for asking.

HINY

I'm still thinking about it. I am not going to discuss it anymore with WH. We already discussed it out, and he proved that he is still lying and untrustworthy, so I see no point in seeing him or talking to him.

Other than that, it is a good day, finally Friday.

Good for you. You stick to your guns and take care of you.

NY

Hi everyone. I went to a party at a neighbors house last night and had a great time. How's everyone else doing?

Someone here was looking for a sample of Plan B letter:...here is mine...

WS you must understand that this past year has been very difficult for
me...at this stage of my life I had hopes of growing old with you and
enjoying our beautiful grandchildren..taking them to Florida with
us...watching them develop into beautiful young women....I had them out
yesterday and my heart aches when they walk in this house and ask where grandfather
is....when I said my marriage vows I made a commitment to love you for
better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all
others till death do us part...I took those vows seriously..a commitment is
a commitment...I recognise that our marriage was not perfect and accept any
responsibilty in my part that caused you to have an affair...you must
realize this has pained me deeply...going through this has been worse than
loosing my father...yes much worse than a death as with a death you know
there is finality and can hold dear the wonderful memories of the departed
loved one...this pain I have now will be ongoing for me for quite some
time..I had hopes that you were sincere in trying to reconcile but realize
you are still in a fog and need to sincerely face all the issues that
brought us to this point..my hope for you is that someday you do ...please
look in the mirror and ask yourself ...am I happy with this outcome.....I
personally am working on my issues...while you are continuing an
extramarital affair you are disrepecting me as your wife and your
family...would I have forgiven you all that I know...yes...but see you were
not willing to do what was necessary to rebuild our marriage...I have come
to the conclusion that this saying is true..."If you love someone set them
free and if they were truly yours they will return"...that is what I am
doing now WS...I will try to hold on to the memories of our thirty years
together...the fun trips with Neil and Janice...our family dinners with
Larry, Linda and our family ...we did have a wonderful family unit...you
must know that because of the pain I am suffering now I have to request no
contact from you...we cannot be friends ever as long as you are continuing
to hurt me by having an affair while we are still married...no contact will
enable me to get back on my feet and move on...I do wish you well...I know
someday you will get to the point where you realize the mistake you made by
throwing our lives together away and hope at that time you can live with
yourself...I will move forward and try to put the pieces of my life back
together...All the Best WS....BS...

I have several girlfriends that are in my situation...seems like affairs are an epidemic in the city where I live <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ..one of my friend's son had the lead Billy Flinn in the play "Chicago" last night so it was a proud moment for her to watch her son onstage at our local Playhouse...her son is very talented and has recieved a schalorship (sp)...to attend theater school in Manhattan...we had a lovely night last night and were able for a short time to get away from our problems...BUT the theme of most of Chicago was adultry and women getting even by doing away with them...I can cetainly understand the case in Texas where the wife ran over her WS sometimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Well sounds like you had a nice night. I went to a neighbors party and danced and got drunk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> We ate mexican food and I talked in Spanish (I think) to everyone. Then came the beer and finally tequila, which did me in. Last I knew I was trying to marry off my two sons.

But it was nice to get out and get crazy for a change.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sounds like fun Believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> too bad we all are so far away...sounds like we could have quite an adventure together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have finally got my sense of humor back and can laugh...never thought I would get to that place again..I wonder how long I will wait for WS to come around...anyone else have a time limit?...

I think I can wait a long time. I'm just enjoying my life and not thinking about WH too much. Everyday I try to do something productive, or fun.

It seems like it has been months and months of no changes, but I know that I have changed completely. We need to realize that WS is NOT the whole world.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think I can wait a long time. I'm just enjoying my life and not thinking about WH too much. Everyday I try to do something productive, or fun.

It seems like it has been months and months of no changes, but I know that I have changed completely. We need to realize that WS is NOT the whole world. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got that right sista <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ..my scenario is that I need money and we have not even filed a legal separation...the bank accounts have been drained by him so we are living off investments...made an aggreement to removed 18,000 for 6 months to pay household expenses..@ depositing 3k per month...everything else we have we own so there is only the monthly bills but am still just existing here...I am reluctant to file for legal separation as WS is retired and claims he has no money so alimony is a big issue here for me as I was a SAHM for 30 years...I have to come to a decison soon to file and get some money to live...

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>