I am wondering how common it is for men to look at porn while there married or involved in a relationship? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Also, how does the women approach the subject to him if he hides this?
Looking at porn is common enough among men as well as women to be considered normal in the sense of "not indicating unusual problems", whether or not one approves of porn ethically.
"Hiding" porn use implies deception, and deception is always a problem within intimate relationships.
A partner engaging in behavior about which you are morally ambivalent, and using deception to hide it from you, is a problem.
However, the MB principles, which I thoroughly support, emphasise that disrespectful demands, judgemental comments, angry outbursts etc. will be counterproductive. This is true whether or not posters on message boards share in your condemnation of your spouse's behavior.
It is important to recognise that there are many men and women who do not consider looking at porn to be intrinsically wrong or adulturous. It is important that you show respect for your spouse's perspective on this issue even as you negotiate your way towards a mutually acceptable plan- even if you consider his perspective to be flat-out wrong. Respecting only opinions with which you agree is worthless.
At the same time, the issue should be raised if it is one that bothers you.
I feel strongly that the diagnosis of sexual addiction should not be made without full assessment by a professional. Sexual addiction is currently a loose concept that can be associated with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, deep-seated personality problems- or it can be a free-standing problem. Some more information:
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Criteria for Addictive Disorder (from
hereA. Recurrent failure to resist impulses to engage in a specified behavior.
B. Increasing sense of tension immediately prior to initiating the behavior.
C. Pleasure or relief at the time of engaging in the behavior.
D. At least five of the following:1. Frequent preoccupation with the behavior or with activity that is preparatory to the behavior.
2.Frequent engaging in the behavior to a greater extent or over a longer period than
intended.
3. Repeated efforts to reduce, control, or stop the behavior.
4. A great deal to time spent in activities necessary for the behavior, engaging in the behavior, or recovering from its effects.
5. Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations.
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities given up or reduced because of the behavior.
7. Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior.
8. Tolerance: need to increase the intensity or frequency of the behavior in order to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behavior of the same intensity.
9. Restlessness or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.
E. Some symptoms of the disturbance have persisted for at least one month, or have occurred repeatedly over a longer period of time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As you see, it is possible for someone to have problematic patterns of use, or even to be deceptive about their use, without meeting standard criteria for sexual addiction. It's probably not appropriate at this point to assume that a full sexual addiction is in place. That doesn't matter, though, in the sense that if it bothers you, it should still be addressed. Don't feel that you need a "diagnosis" to justify your discomfort.
There's been a lot of back-and-forth here as to whether or not porn use is harmful. I will say that many people have definitely been harmed by inappropriate, unhealthy porn use. At the same time, though, there are many users of porn, both men and women, who don't seem to evidence any guilt, emotional damage, or relationship problems at all as a result of its use. That should not matter to those who reject porn for religious reasons, any more than articles on the risk-to-benefit ratio of a pork-filled diet should matter to Muslims who don't eat it.
Porn is like any entertainment modality from television or videogames in the sense that whether or not one feels it to be intrinsically wrong, there can be no doubt that compulsive behavior and deception are problematic. Judging reality on the basis of entertainment media is always problematic too- these things are not specific to porn. Entertainment media simply often does not constitute a good way for youngsters or adults to learn about real people.
I guess in conclusion I'd just want to emphasise the points that I started with
- that you really should resist the temptation to approach this in a judgemental way
- that you don't need any diagnosis or anyone else agreeing with you in order for your discomfort to be important
- that you should raise the issue with your husband in a non-lovebusting way.
cheers, and good luck! Let us know how it's going...
adrian.