Originally Posted by KaylaAndy
But then there's also the personal success stories where the marriage didn't recover - like SilentLucidity, LilSis, HappyinOkla and many others who don't come here anymore. It's too bad that some of those success stories could really help some who have been posting and enduring Plan B - Petals, Scotland, Hope, Holyheart, HopeEternal - and many many more. That would be even greater benefit to Dr. Harley and those who come here in a crisis. To know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and value in following the system that Dr. Harley has developed.

I agree. Sometimes the definition of success is divorce. We have had many posters over the years who are divorced now and this was the best thing for their situation.

I would add this to your list of destructive posters:

  • Those who post conflicting personal opinions to newcomers who are here to learn Marriage Builders

However, if we sanitize the feedback here so tightly that any personalized experiences of the application or misapplication of Dr. Harley's principles don't clearly get conveyed, or get edited, Dr. Harley may as well close up a public forum, or only allow himself to post experiences and advice here.

I am not sure what you mean by "sanitized," but if that is how you define recommending Marriage Builders concepts to newcomers, I will disagree that is a bad thing. Marriages don't recover by twisting the concepts or teaching people to misapply the concepts. Our best thinking screwed up our marriages so it sure isn't going to save them.

There is a very narrow path to recovery, and I am reminded of Dr Harley's words in Requirements for Recovery:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

He said "even small deviations are disasterous," and this has been my observation over the years. So when some newcomer BS doesn't want to believe that her WH has to leave his job with his OW it makes it very hard to persuade her otherwise when someone posts conflicting advice. That poster is destructive to that newcomer and makes it all the harder to help her when she is already under duress.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101