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"Truth" is not always the best,

Really???




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I believe that you should never bad mouth the ex in front of the kids - it ruins the moment when they figure it out for themselves.

I don't think it is healthy to let children figure out for themselves why their family got torn apart.




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There is no problem with telling them there are problems and daddy has moved out, and that you would like him to come back. That doesn't lay any blame and puts you in a good light without ripping on him.

I don't think worrying about putting yourself in good light is a worthy goal. Establishing an honest relationship is critical to having a solid relationship later (pre-teen and teen years)




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However, I would strongly advise against telling the kids that daddy has a girlfriend. Hopefully not, but they will probably soon find that out for themselves.

They shouldn't be left to find this out for themselves. This information should be delivered to them by someone who loves them and has their best interests at heart (obviously not the selfish, self-centered WS). Not in some accidental, insensitive way.




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I understand the hurt one feels when they are told goodbye for another, but to take it out on the kids, which ripping on the ex is doing exactly that, just lowers you to their level.


Being truthful about why their daddy has left is NOT the same thing as "ripping on the ex".

Dr. Harley says you should tell young children about the affair. I will find the info and post it here for you, UC.


You don't need to take my advice or SYF. But if you want to follow MBers to do all you can to put your family back together, you might want to follow Dr. Harleys, advice. (He knows a lot more than either of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Sexymama and unconditional, it's probably good for you (unconditional) to hear multiple viewpoints then choose what is best for your situation.

Lately I just pray for wisdom and trust God to guide me in the way I should go.

Oh, I'm a he, last time I checked!


It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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Oh, I'm a he, last time I checked!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Oops! My apologies, SYF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


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Not a problem, that's why I injected some humor there. You will find I have VERY thick skin. I better, since I poke fun at (sometimes) those whose skin is far too thin.


It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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Mama Bear, please post the info from Dr. Harley.


D Day PA 11/22/07, PA started 11/10/07 WH Engaged to OW by 12/07/07 WH 41 BS 37 OW 25 DD 3 Married 10 Years + 3 years cohabitation DS5 WH moved to another country 01/27/08
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Question posed to Dr. Harley:


Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).


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It feels great. I would certainly spend my energy on myself rather than on my crackhead husband and his hotel ******. Opps sorry, rage emerging!


LMAO ROTF...

UC go ahead and vent... I probably need to vent too... only mines been building up for 5 years...

When it happens this is what ya'll <------ (Thats a TX word for all you Yankies) will see on the screen...


************************************************************

************************************************************

********************************************************!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Actually.... my counselor said that I should start a journal... and when I'm angry make sure I make an entry about how I feel in order to verbalize it....

I've heard lots of people on here say they write journals... I never have before....


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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She said in her emails to him she loved him to infinity and beyond.

Normally I would call that pre pubescent moronic junor high crap...

But I think it's worse...

How about pre pubescent moronic elementary school crap....

Toy Story... Oh how romantic...(give me a break)

In the infamous words of Red Forman.... Dumb A$$

Based on that email I bet you $10.00 she's a spoiled little daddy's girl who TAKES TAKES TAKES ...and when she dont get what she wants... look out... HIGH maintenance emotionally...

WH won't be able to GIVE GIVE GIVE enough... When reality sets in He'll be running back...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Sexymama and unconditional, it's probably good for you (unconditional) to hear multiple viewpoints then choose what is best for your situation.

Lately I just pray for wisdom and trust God to guide me in the way I should go.

SYF is right...

When I first told my brother about my situation I was real upset...I was ready to file for divorce and move on...he was very supportive and helped me out financially...

A few weeks later...After I calmed down... and was able to make a rational descision without being engulfed in emotion... I decided not to file for divorce...

My brother said... "Amazin... (said it just like that too) some of you're friends may tell you to kick her to the curb, file for divorce and move on... but you're the one living the situation...not them... and until they walk a mile in your shoes...I would be carful who you take advice from...Ultimately you are the one who has to make the descision about what is right for you... and what ever you do our family will support you..."

Pretty cool huh... I got a good family...

That's why this board is so good....Lots of people here have already walked miles and miles in my shoes... and I've gotten real good advice here so far...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Well I'm back. Celebrated my birthday with a day at the spa and it was wonderful. New look, new attitude. Decided to talk to the kids this weekend. Tell the the truth. Not disparaging but the truth about what Daddy has chosen to do. Can I run the script by anyone?

Got my husband's VISA bill and it's nice to see how fast waywards rack up debt. We just paid that debt off a week before he reveal his affair and he maxed it out in 8 weeks. Thank GOD it is his own debt. His GF will be sad when he has no more money to spend on her once he starts paying support, rent, bills etc.....she's only 25 I am sure she is not paying his way when she can't even pay her own $750 phone bill!

Ironically though, even though his GF still insists on their engagement he will not confirm it to me. Why? Does he realize that will mean the END of us? Does he think he could possibly look any worse than he does?

I'm trying to hang on but I'm not sure there's much to hang on to. I know a lot can happen in 3 or 6 months (look at what has happened in just over 2 months). I know he is making the biggest mistake of his life by leaving but it is his choice. Leave me fine, but the kids. Our kids are adorable.

Any advice on the script would be great.....


D Day PA 11/22/07, PA started 11/10/07 WH Engaged to OW by 12/07/07 WH 41 BS 37 OW 25 DD 3 Married 10 Years + 3 years cohabitation DS5 WH moved to another country 01/27/08
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Ironically though, even though his GF still insists on their engagement he will not confirm it to me. Why? Does he realize that will mean the END of us? Does he think he could possibly look any worse than he does?

There may be other opinions on this...

He's fence sitting... He still hasn't made his mind up yet weather he really wants to leave you or not... That's why he hasn't confirmed it...

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I'm trying to hang on but I'm not sure there's much to hang on to.

I've heard a lot of people on here say..."don't listen to what your WS is saying, it's all fog talk... instead observe and watch their actions... Actions speak louder than words..."

I think you're keying in on his words... watch what he does instead...This may give you a little hope...

Don't loose hope... Get some counseling/coaching from Steve or Jennifer... then work your plan... and watch his actions...You may not notice anything for a long time... but it has an effect...

Here’s an analogy about plan A… I got it from Mark…

You stand on the bank of a river. It is too wide to swim safely because of the strong current and much too deep to wade across. You pick up a rock and throw it into the water and it vanishes beneath the waves. You throw another rock and it too simply disappears under the water.

You keep throwing rocks into the river and nothing shows for all your efforts. You know by reason that the rocks are not vanishing but must be piling up beneath the surface, but you haven't seen any sign of it happening. But you throw some more rocks.

You throw 499 rocks into the river and see nothing in the way of progress. And then you throw rock number 500 and the very tip is barely visible above the water. And that is the basis for building a bridge to get to the other side.


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Did you want to run a potential script by us or have us suggest one?


It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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D-day was Nov. 22 and 10 weeks later my husband is planning his second wedding to his 25 year old girlfriend. It has been confirmed that they ARE engaged. Is there anything to salvage when it has gone this far?

Wow... I just read through your whole thread and I am STILL in disbelief. I wish Vegas had odds on this A because I would bet my life savings. Keep taking care of yourself and the kids. You are being very strong and brave. Keep showing him that you are the better person because you are. Your husband is going to be whacked upside the head when the reality 2x4 hits. Given what you have posted it won't be long in coming.


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My husbandd always complained about the money I spent, but I rarely spent it on myself. Scrimped on my hair etc...

That's really funny in light of the credit card bill. Think she'll even want to remain engaged when he's broke?


Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
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I've got a better grip on a script for my kids and we'll see where it goes from there. Dear Daddy left the country today. No phone call to the kids since Monday. He texted me yesterday and said nothing about flying out. He's moving on. Hopefully the fog will lift soon. Still cannot understand why he just will not admit they are engaged.....when she is broadcasting it.


D Day PA 11/22/07, PA started 11/10/07 WH Engaged to OW by 12/07/07 WH 41 BS 37 OW 25 DD 3 Married 10 Years + 3 years cohabitation DS5 WH moved to another country 01/27/08
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My first guess is that he's not confirming his engagement because he knows how that's going to look in divorce court.

Also, are you sure that he knows he's engaged? We're not dealing with normal people here.


Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
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My first guess is that he's not confirming his engagement because he knows how that's going to look in divorce court.

Also, are you sure that he knows he's engaged? We're not dealing with normal people here.

That was my exact thought! She (OW) may be delusional and telling everyone they are engaged and he has not a clue.


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He has a clue. He just won't admit it to me. When he emails her he says they'll be married by the end of the year. When he talks to me he says, no I'm not engaged. He's just a liar.

I'm sure he's just trying to save what little character he has left. And beleive me there's not much left. He's left the country, settling into his new life away from us, with her. I do hope it sucks. I hope the reality sets in.


D Day PA 11/22/07, PA started 11/10/07 WH Engaged to OW by 12/07/07 WH 41 BS 37 OW 25 DD 3 Married 10 Years + 3 years cohabitation DS5 WH moved to another country 01/27/08
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Actually I think he is playing both of us. What do you call it "cake-walking"? Some foundation they have.


D Day PA 11/22/07, PA started 11/10/07 WH Engaged to OW by 12/07/07 WH 41 BS 37 OW 25 DD 3 Married 10 Years + 3 years cohabitation DS5 WH moved to another country 01/27/08
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He has a clue. He just won't admit it to me. When he emails her he says they'll be married by the end of the year. When he talks to me he says, no I'm not engaged. He's just a liar.

I'm sure he's just trying to save what little character he has left. And believe me there's not much left. He's left the country, settling into his new life away from us, with her. I do hope it sucks. I hope the reality sets in.

I think you are right; he is stringing her along and has no intent on marrying her.

Oh, it will suck and it will set in. The question is when/if he will admit it to you. Judging from his character, do you think he would admit he made a mistake? It is a fantasy and all fantasies come to an end. YOU know this, WE know this and it is just a matter of time before he will too. Why did he move out of the country? Is he in a place unfamiliar to him? That alone is stressful enough let alone everything else going on. My DH lost his job back in 2004 and after a year of looking he found a job 1400 miles away. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to a place where I had never been and knew no one. Now in my situation I had my H and our 4 kids there with me. Thankfully DH found a job back here a year later and we are back “home”. Your WH moved far away and only has a virtual stranger he really doesn’t know. I suspect after time they will both start to show their true personalities and the relationship will die.

True love isn’t flowers and love letters, which is romance and just a small part of Love. True love is rubbing your loved ones back while they throw up because they have the flu. True love is knowing the whole person warts and all and still loving them. All they know of each other is the fake front they are showing each other now. They can’t hide their warts forever.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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