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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Constant, for some really weird reason, I believe that God has this woman in His arms. And I think she just might be one of His favored children right now.


I agree more than you know MB.

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I'm not meaning to fight. I hate adultery. I despise what I did to my DH in 2006. But I also know the undeserved joy of forgiveness and restoration...and I want people to be able to experience that. I have no idea how DH managed to forgive me and seem to love me today more than ever.....he is an amazing man. We are NOT perfect by any stretch, but God has done such a miracle for us, I guess I just wish I could spread it around.

Not everyone responds to adultery the same way. And there is no doubt in my mind that our story could have turned out very differently if there had not been real repentance and work and honesty. And I don't fault anyone who just cannot stay married to a person who would betray them in such an intimate way.

I have received unmerited favor. My prayer will always be that everyone on earth would receive it as well.

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Originally Posted By: Tawandabelle
NewCreation, it is a tough road. I have come to realize that there will always be people for whom bitterness holds more appeal than grace. And given the pain that adultery causes....I can as a human understand that...


"Bitterness is a poison that destroys its container"

I heard a preacher quote that one time, and I also understand that is why it is important to forgive, and why we are asked to, for us.

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Originally Posted By: stillhere8126
Oh no, I hate to see posters that I love on here, fighting....I am gonna stop reading....Dont let it make you guys not like each other...its like watching family members fight...which is okay as long as it doesnt make you all dislike each other...You are all such good people...


Its OK, as Christians, I look at it "As Iron sharpening Iron". We are reasoning together are we not? None of us know anything as we should, and in the end, we can still agree to disagree. I hope I am big enough to not get upset when misunderstood.

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NewCreation, I've been reading this thread with rapt attention.

I'm a BS who is now divorced from his WxW, who ran off to have an affair with a married man. As far as I know, the affair died before the ink was dry on the divorce papers.

Her behavior was part of a triple-whammy: I had health problems, and wound up losing my job because I couldn't focus on it after she demolished our marriage.

However, this led me to a greater understanding of, and relationship with God. One of the things that helped me tremendously was learning how to forgive her.

I have not seen or spoken with her in over a year. I have no intention of ever doing so (unless God plans otherwise). But I came to accept who and what she was, what she did, and know that she has to live with it every day, as do I.

I say this only because I am convinced of your contrition. I side with those who say Christ forgives your sins. One of my favorite scriptural verses is Ephesians 2:8,9:

Quote:
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faithand this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

I have not lived a life of saintly purity. But we are told in Romans 3:20

Quote:
Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God's sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.

And I believe Romans 10:9,10:

Quote:
9 If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.

Yes, the betrayal I and many others have suffered is severe and more painful than anything I've endured in my life. But if I live in hate then I too, am lost.

Thank you for sharing your story.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted By: ConstantProcess
I find it troubling that people want this woman to give up her marriage now because of how it started, when many marriages have started when people have unprotected sex out of wedlock, and then go to God as they realize they have to grow up when pregnancy results. But I can understand she put a target on her back coming here. I wonder how many Christians who are here stepped over the line and had sex before marriage, and then realized it was wrong, and went to God for forgivness, and are still encouraged to have a full life and marriage, while getting thier head out of their butt. I wonder if someone like that would be helped, or turned away...

--Snip--

...I think it took a lot of guts coming here, and I hope your post helps others to understand and avoid the foolishness of affairs, and the fallout that you now are experiencing. Seek what God leads you, and don't be dis-heartened. Stick around and read, learn how to help others, and know that is what God would want.


Newcreation, did my comments make you feel like I am against you in your present marriage? Because I am for restoration, just to be clear, even though others might not agree with that.

I thought the comments quoted above made that clear. But some have misread them, or I worded them wrong.

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NC where is that thread you posted?

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
So trash an 18 year old, Constant. Now that she is a grown woman who has put her sins out her for us, a bunch of flawed humans, to scrutinize and belittle. Is that what you want? She has ALREADY DONE THIS VOLUNTARILY. What else would you like for her to do?

You wish you'd had MB in your sitch. This woman does.

What would you like to do with her now. With all of your knowledge.

I really think you are just giving me a hard time MB, to be funny or something, IDK. But if not could you tell me you see that I am for her?

Ok long day, gnight guys

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ConstantProcess, no I am not offended by your post nor do I feel picked on by you. Your thoughts were well stated and I believe well meaning. Thank you.

NewCreation

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Quote:
Wow MB, I am supporting her, and my heart goes out to her, are you serious that you think I am bashing her?

Please re-read my posts and pull up quotes and show me how you came to the conclusion I was bashing her for being here.
Oh, ugh, Constant. I read too fast and misunderstood you. I am so sorry.

Forgive me, please? blush


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Quote:
MB, this sounds like you are suggesting she get help for saving her affairage here...that is not what you are suggesting is it?
Should she get help here? Yes, I think she would be wise to contact the Harleys for some direction. I don't know how the issue of her affairage will be addressed, but I think they would be a good resource. I am not suggesting she should expect support. NewCreations affairage is, of course, not supportable.

That is not to say that you have no redeeming value, NewCreations. I don't mean to imply that at all. You have shown remarkable humility and contriteness which doesn't happen very often with OPs around here.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 02/18/11 07:05 AM.

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New Creation, I just read through this whole thread and tried to picture it in terms of how I would feel if either one of my DH's OW came to me and tried to apologize. I can't picture it because my DH and I restored our marriage and there was no affairage. I have forgiven OW, but I know me, and I could not have reached that point if there had been a marriage between them.

I believe your heart. It seems clear to me that you are truly repentant and want to do whatever is necessary to continue to grow the most important relationship in your life-- with God. You SHOULD divorce your husband, and in my opinion, you've been given a life raft out of this marriage because of his adultery.

Let me tell you about another couple I know who are in an affairage and have been for over 30 years.

Both the WH and WW are elders in a church I used to attend. This same couple was appointed to help counsel my DH and I when we first began recovery. Yikes! When I discovered how their marriage began, I lost any respect I had for them and felt strongly that they should not be in leadership. It really blew my mind when it was announced that they would be leading a course on marriages. You see, even though they were both repentant about the origin of their marriage, and God forgave them (?), their words are meaningless to me.

You have a great message to share. However, if you are still married to your WH, your message is flawed. I don't see how you could ever minister to a BS. You may be able to reach a WS, but because you are still married to your WH, you may give them unintentional affirmation that adultery works out in the end. You would then not only be responsible for the damage done to the lives of the people directly affected by your affairage, but also to other families out there who are directly affected by your indirect support to the people responsible for destroying their families. The cycle will continue.

Please... if you decide to stay married to your AP, don't do further damage by spreading your testimony. It would be so damaging. I can't imagine a pastor who would allow it. Well, I guess I can because the pastor in our old church did.

As far as your WH's 1st BS, your apology will be meaningless as long as you remain married to her WH. Sorry, it just will.

And think about this. Why?

Why do you want to apologize to her? How will it benefit her? Will it help her heal? What's in it for you?

Think long and hard about your motives.

I dunno, this is a tough one. I congratulate you on at least trying to do the right thing now.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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OK, I am a BS from a long time ago. I am still married. Ironically I came back to process the OW's death which I found out about recently, so she has been on my mind.

It sounds as though the BS still harbors feelings that are affecting her, her children and probably her own marriage, as a result of the affair over 10 years ago and the fallout that continues to this day

You are only one of the two who hurt her, so I am unsure how effective your apology might be, but i I think I would do it, probably in a letter.

For one thing, she may be thinking, humfff (maybe spelled differently) she apologizes to my children, were is MY apology?

I think it would be a package, maybe not a gift, but a package that then she could do with it what she wanted, in her own time.

If at any time down the road, she could lessen her bitterness toward you, that would be good for her, and be good for her kids and even their own children way down the road.

Then you did what you could, without expectation, and she would be fee to react, sort out and act how she chooses.

Christians don't like harboring bitterness.

That said, I would guess she blames BOTH of you. If she feels your husband is not sincerely remorseful, then it may make little difference. But you can't control your husband feelings or actions.

As for your current marriage, if you do decide to stay married, I would seek very good counsel. You are still broken, although you are a wonderful work in progress. Your husband does not sound like he is in the same place. Given the circumstances, plus his infidelity, you should stay married for the sake of staying married. It may be more than can be fully repaired and healed. I wish you the best.

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Creation 2011

Hi again, well what a post, I am a BS as well and have endured the very pain that you have inflicted on another family by having your affair with a married man I feel compassion for you.
I think you truly have remorse for the pain you have caused, it doesn't take away their pain in any way......and that is something you will have to live with the rest of your life.
I know you wished you had made better decisions for yourself and not just let yourself be consumed with selfishness.
I feel bad that the very man you degraded yourself for wasn't worth it in the end.
That must hurt, I know you must have thought you were special to him for him to leave his wife and family..........that man has a problem and I think you would be lucky to not have him in your life any longer.......
I'm glad that you posted here, told your story, it is going to help someone with their processing some day and that is a good thing........
It is so rare that someone like you comes to this board and just lays the good and bad about the whole adulltery thing, all the hurt from every angle the parts that the fantasy of the relationship just doesn't take into account.........the fall out is tremendous and long lasting..........no one is ever the same again after an affair............I think if you want to apologize to everyone you have hurt then go ahead and do it, the children, the Xwife............a letter to her I think would be okay.......none of us here know what that xwife really wants, I am in agreement it might not mean anything, but it might, we don't know this.............if it were me and the OW was trying to do the right thing after much self reflection I would at least read the apology and understand the transformation of a person with God's help..............I don't know about forgiving someone that has created that much havic in my life I'm still to early on in my recovery..........but I do believe that when one does something to harm someone else with intent then an apology is something that should be given..........it's the right thing to do.....
will it help, only she knows that..............even if you apologize to her I know it won't help you.........other than you will have done what you have been brought up to do when you hurt someone else..........
It takes a great deal of compassion for the BS's on here to understand your side of the story, me included........but that is why in an affair the BS's are the better choices, because they are just better people then the ones that are in an affair(sorry that includes who you used to be). BS's never ask for any of the pain they are forced to endure because of someone else's selfish decisions.........
But you my friend have decided yourself to make you a person that you can be proud of from now on...........today can be the first day of your new life and the new you......
Stick around and get the help you need for that, help others but telling your side and helping them understand what is happening and why............living through adultery is a very harmful thing to ones self esteem and self worth if you can help at all with that I say go and help someone else....
I think for you a complete start over free from anyone that can commit adultery is the first step..........no more..........move on..............to something better for yourself...........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
MB, this sounds like you are suggesting she get help for saving her affairage here...that is not what you are suggesting is it?
Should she get help here? Yes, I think she would be wise to contact the Harleys for some direction. I don't know how the issue of her affairage will be addressed, but I think they would be a good resource. I am not suggesting she should expect support. NewCreations affairage is, of course, not supportable.

That is not to say that you have no redeeming value, NewCreations. I don't mean to imply that at all. You have shown remarkable humility and contriteness which doesn't happen very often with OPs around here.


Yes, I agree, if she wants support she should get it in private forom the Harleys ~ not on the public forum where so many are reeling from the pain of their spouse's affair.
That is like rubbing it in all the BS's faces who have just been hit with a gunshot wound to the head.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Quote:
Yes, I agree, if she wants support she should get it in private forom the Harleys ~ not on the public forum where so many are reeling from the pain of their spouse's affair.
That is like rubbing it in all the BS's faces who have just been hit with a gunshot wound to the head.
ITA. The betrayed spouses on this site are in many different stages of healing. I don't know that I would have been very accommodating to NC if I'd read her post two years ago. That was about the time when I was trying to figure out how to rip every strand of hair out of the OW's head and not go to jail for it. whistle


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I am a BS. WXH has been living with OW for 4 years. In Canada, common law offers the same privaledges and responsibilities as marriage, so consider their relationship to be an affairage. It's been a long time now and I've moved on with my life. I haven't seen or spoken to him in nearly a year and I haven't seen her in much longer than that. I have been rather successful in all aspects and I am very satisfied with my life right now. Consider me to be similar to your H's BW.

The very LAST thing I would want is for OW to appologize to me. As far as I'm concerned, OW is the lowest form of life around. She stole my H and tried to steal my house, my son, my friends - basically my life. She also cheated on her own husband and destroyed her little daughter's family. As far as I'm concerned, she has no redeaming features whatsoever. If she had the nerve to approach me by any means - in person, email, fax, text message, third party - whatever - I would assume her selfishness and sense of entitlement has led her to believe she somehow deserves my forgiveness, too. I would actually feel like she's trying to steal something else from me because, you know, that's what she does.

I don't believe I'll feel differently in 10 years or 20 years. Don't think I'm letting this eat me to the bone or anything. I actually don't think of her much at all if ever. I used to wonder if I'd swerve to miss her if she walked out in front of my car. Now I'm pretty sure I would, but that's because it would p*ss me off if she scratched the paint.

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Huh. Jesus told His fellow sufferers on the cross that they endured that He would see them in Heaven. He didn't seem to have a BIG PROBLEM WITH THEIR SINS. OR THE FACT THAT THEY HADN'T QUITE COMMITTED TO A FAITH.


From Luke;

Quote:
39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: Arent you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!

40 But the other criminal rebuked him. Dont you fear God, he said, since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.

42 Then he said, Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.[d]

43 Jesus answered him, Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.


The second thief showed repentance for his sins, and mercy for Jesus - "this man has done nothing wrong."

A thief, facing the end of his own life, felt pity for the Son of God because of his innocence.

That is repentance; acknowledgment of our sins, and pity, empathy for those suffer unjustly.

I'd say NC is doing exactly that...

Last edited by HoldHerHand; 02/18/11 11:42 AM. Reason: word choice

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Mine apologized, and her parents apologized to me. So did her sister.

I don't know that it helped me or hurt me. I think the OW is in huge denial about her own role in it ( professional victim), and she has slept with another married man as well.

I hope talking to me made her understand that I am real, and not some fictional person. And that I wasn't as described by my husband.

I have no idea how she views me, or views herself. I know that her family came down very hard on her, so I am hoping that her apology to me and her accountability to her family keeps her from hurting someone else like this.

But if she had succeeded in marrying my husband, and had to serve a role in my children's lives?

I would never want to speak to her. I would have gone out of my way to avoid her on every level. The pain would be too great.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
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NewCreation --

I have a totally unrelated, but very sincere question for you:

Why did you get married ??

I truly don't get it. Why would getting married be important to 2 people who didn't respect the boundries that marriage represents? You had no respect for the institution of marriage -- nor did your affair-partner-now-husband.

So why get married?

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