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Help, are you ready to get to work saving your marriage? We are here and ready to help you get to work!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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p.s. And I would not pay any mind to her fogbabble. All that you posted is nothing more than the crazy babble of a wayward wife who is high on an affair and is looking for justification.

It is no more meaningful than the ramblings of a falling down drunk.

So, instead of focusing on meaningless fogbabble, I would try and stay focused on your plan to save your marriage. Are you interested?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I can second the fogbabble, because seriously just insert issue du jour for yours and they all sound the same.

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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
She said it is too little too late. That it went on for so long, and she tried for so long, that now the hurt is too deep for her. And that it was selfish that it took me so long to take action seeking out help.



It could have been worse and she still had other choices than to cheat. Thus, it was her CHOICE to have an affair. Which makes her 100% responsible for her destructive behaviour.

It is hard, I know from personal experience, but do not listen anything she says right know. BSs are somehow very receptive to unfair justifications WSs gives and are very easily allured to believe that their affair is somehow our fault. It absolutelly isn't. I mean, it really is stupid to choose an affair for solving problems in marriage, isn't it?


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I'm just not sure it's worth the effort now. She's completely adamant about ending it. We don't even look at each other, talk, nothing. I'm just so angry right now, it's making me sick. I don't think I'd be able to get past this, even if she suddenly had a change of heart and wanted things back.

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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
We have 2 beautiful children, 7 year old boy and a 5 year old girl.


Well if nothing else then these two are counting on you to make WISE decisions. And I think it would be very wise to take advice from people who have been in your situation. Do not rely on your emotions, specially on this raw situation.

You can have your marriage back and your kids' collapsed world restored but you have to follow the plan presented here.

We have been right until now, haven't we? So, please trust us a little bit more.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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HMSI, you are not sure it's worth the effort now for one reason.

YOU DID NOT LISTEN to the vets here. You have to either decide YES and saving this marriage or..NO and ending it.

IF you choose YES...

Quote:
For those BS's living with, or are past victims of, WS's and especially with serial cheaters ...pay special attention to what I am about to write.

Listen to the vets here, do what they tell you to do, when they say to do it!

They know what they are talking about. If after giving it all you have, your marriage does not survive, stay here to recover yourself! There is much valuable information here for you!

Remember, you have the RIGHT TO SAY NO to staying with your WS. If it is a 'serial cheater' don't stop, just run, that's just my advice, not MB advice.

When they say EXPOSE Expose! Far and wide, leave no one standing without knowing what is going on! They frequent the local convenience store for coffee every morning?? Expose there too, believe me, I used to be one of those clerks years ago, I would have watched your back! Blow the tops off their affairs!

When they say go NC with your WS, DO IT!!!You will heal faster, stress less, and have a clear head for the next battle coming. Get an IM.

THE WS IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!

TRUTH for the children! I can not stress enough, tell your kids the TRUTH about what is going on with your marriage! Don't fall into the trap I put myself in!!!

Do NOT Isolate yourself! Find some good friends that have your back, find support groups, find whatever you can to keep from being isolated! After I had to stop working, my friends all dwindled away, most of them refused to come visit because he made them feel so very welcome. The depression of mine I'm sure did not help. The last friend I had locally, moved away from the area yesterday. I have tons of online friends however.

LISTEN TO THE VETS! They have seen it, been there, done it, they KNOW.

When your life gets calm, don't get complacent and comfortable! The other shoe WILL drop. Jump in first and drop it on them!!! I have had the shoe, the other shoe, the BOMB all dropped on me. (Yes, I'm a slow learner it seems). While standing on the tracks whistling Dixie after putting the pieces of me back together again, I got slammed between two speeding freight trains. I stood up yet again, but I can hear the bombers heading to Pearl Harbor making a detour my way. I could be mistaken and that sound might just be the Karma bus aiming for him. I can always hope right? (A friend told me I needed to work on my description of pain...how am I doing?)

I came back to MB in March, after my stbwxh told me he was filing papers for the divorce. I knew it was coming, but hearing it? I was filled with an intense anger at that moment, and needed to discover where I went wrong that lead me to that day in my life. I have learned a lot over these months, and for that I am grateful. I highly doubt I will ever have a chance to put what I'm learning to use in another marriage, but it's helpful in many other ways.

I first found MB in 2002 and HAD I stayed then to work on ME, I would not be typing this tonight, facing the choices I have at this time in my life, all of which suck royally. Yet, I'm happier today than I have been in most of my life and looking forward to tomorrow!


Here


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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HMSI, I've skimmed back over this thread. You really need to listen and do what the vets are saying. You have got to expose this affair, and to do that, you need to know some information.

Which you will have to SNOOP for. Asking your WW is not going to give you the truth!

Are you ready to save this? Your kids need you to give it your best shot.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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My wife and I had a HUGE blowout today. I was yelling my thoughts, feelings, and concerns. She broke down crying and actually telling me how she REALLY felt about our marriage and relationship. We definitely got a lot of things out in the open. It seemed like the first time since our problems started, that walls actually broke down and true emotion started pouring out from her. It felt like a first real step toward some sort of closure.

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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
My wife and I had a HUGE blowout today. I was yelling my thoughts, feelings, and concerns. She broke down crying and actually telling me how she REALLY felt about our marriage and relationship. We definitely got a lot of things out in the open. It seemed like the first time since our problems started, that walls actually broke down and true emotion started pouring out from her. It felt like a first real step toward some sort of closure.


This is only meaningful if she agrees to end her affair. "Closure" of what exactly? Her adultery?

Keep in mind that your wife is about as fogged out as a falling down drunk right now because she is high on an affair. Her "true feelings" are fogbabble, justifications and excuses. I am sure it was all about how horrible you are and how you are to blame for her adultery, and blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Just like a crack head or a falling down drunk who blames all their bad behavior on others, an adulterer blames her bad behavior on others.

But............there is no excuse for adultery.

And this is all meaningless unless she agreed to end her affair. Did she?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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She said it was a one time event, and it hasn't happened since. She didn't blame anything on me. I've had some sexual issues for years, that I never realized were affecting her in such a deep way.

When we had finally really talked about the sexual issues a few months ago, it really snapped a switch in my brain. I decided then and there, after seeing the tears in her eyes, that I was finally take the necessary steps to fixing my problem.

I also freaked out and got scared, so I became overly affection and lovey dovey at the time. She had told me many times to relax, that I wasn't being me and it was freaking her out. But, I kept doing it because I was freaked out.

We had another, calmer conversation over dinner and afterwards. We talked about a lot of issues that we both have had with our marriage over the past few years. We talked about some things we could do, things we never noticed before, when things seem to be going stale and boring. We've both felt it at times.

She said she talked to her mom today about us, and her mom mentioned marriage and/or sex counseling.

The conversation ended well, with a little chuckle from both of us. I left it at that. I didn't feel the need to keep pushing the conversation at that point. It ended naturally, and it felt refreshing.

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You are being gaslighted. It was not a one time event. That is a lie. She has been involved in an affair. What she is doing now is putting you off her path so she can go further underground.

Who is the OM and is he married?

Does this mean she is ending her affair and calling off the divorce?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Have to agree on the "one time event". Gaslighting for sure. The odds are extremely high it wasn't just a one time thing.

You absolutely must expose the affair to the OM's wife. No negotiating on that.

As far as your special problem goes (Don't read if it's TMI for any other posters):

There are techniques for you to do that help that issue. Focusing on her pleasure and not yours helps. Really make it about her.

That, and whenever you feel you're getting close, pause. Stop moving and doing anything. Pull out if necessary and pause until the feeling goes away. You'll see that if you stop yourself once or twice that you'll be able to continue and enjoy the moment without worrying anymore and you'll have full control over when you decide it's time.

But this "excuse" of hers is nothing more than that: It's an excuse to find something wrong about you.

Trust me again. The most minute things from years ago that were long since forgotten are used by WW'es to torment their BH's.

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I'm not trying to make excuses, but this problem of mine has been going on for years. And, since I was always worrying about it, the passion really was missing from our love making. I just wasn't "into" it as much as I should have been, because all I did was worry if I'd be able to satisfy her.

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Helpmesaveit, I believe you about this problem. But you have a much more pressing problem. It is her affair. And you are going to lose your marriage if you don't address this affair. Focusing on your past marital problems is like focusing on the peeling paint in the girls bathroom on the sinking TITANIC.

Your ship is sinking and you are wringing your hands about the price of tea in China. That is cute and all, but you need to wake up and STOP the ship from sinking or you won't have a ship.

Now, is the OM married and has your wife agreed to end her affair. Is she willing to work on the marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
I'm not trying to make excuses, but this problem of mine has been going on for years.


To be very blunt...

...Your "sexual problem" doesn't sound like a problem that can be solved with masturbation to ejaculation about two hours before the event, and perhaps 1/2 pill of 25mg Viagra an hour before the event. Yes, BT,DT. Guys usually take a bit longer the second time around, and the Viagra will help take your mind off the worry that you might not be able to "get it up" when ready.

I agree with the other poster though. WW's tend to hold a "file of transgressions" against their poor BH that goes back years, and they will tend to use it as a means of deflection. "Oh, I wouldn't have had to go to OM if my BH didn't have sexual issues. It's his fault I had to look elsewhere!".


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Well, I hate to say it, but it's over. She said she is done and is moving out. She said there's no love left in her for me, but she'll always love me as a friend. She is completely cold and emotion-less. She also said there's nothing left for counseling. She's happy and is having fun now, which she said she hasn't been for the past 5 years. She's also been neglecting the kids for the past month or so.

I'm going to start calling lawyers today.

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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
Well, I hate to say it, but it's over. She said she is done and is moving out. She said there's no love left in her for me, but she'll always love me as a friend. She is completely cold and emotion-less. She also said there's nothing left for counseling. She's happy and is having fun now, which she said she hasn't been for the past 5 years. She's also been neglecting the kids for the past month or so.

I'm going to start calling lawyers today.


Did you want to try and save your marriage? Help, you continually get sidetracked by her agenda. You can make it if you will focus on the plan I gave you. There are no guarantees but there is a strong chance you can save this if you will follow a PLAN and stop getting sidetracked by your wifes fogbabble.

Are you ready to get to work?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Too many people give up way too soon. Help, listen to Mel; it is still possible to save this marriage if you follow a plan. In the process, even if the marriage doesn't recover....you can recover personally and knowing that you tried your best.


Married 1976
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Him:FWS
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2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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It just doesn't seem worth it. People now know that she has been seeing another guy and no one seems to care. I told her last night when she got home from work that I was going out, and she just replied "ok". Later in the night, she started posting things on her Facebook profile that seemed very passive aggressive and angry. Then, this morning, she just seemed very angry and slammed the door pretty hard on the way out. She says she's fallen out of love with me, she's told her friends the same and that she's made up her mind that it's over.

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