|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Another thing you can do is go to the website of a major restaurant chain and get coupons. I get coupons for Red Lobster all the time. We even enjoy eating at Five Guys hamburgers sometimes and that is very inexpensive. I am a coupon fanatic. But just going out to eat is not fun for me. I need something else Such as? window shopping, decorating, home improvement I love doing that! Will he go with you to do that? What about a nice dinner, drive followed by shopping?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I feel like I'm doing it already by working the program Then you need to stop dwelling on how much you want to get a job. You have made your choice. To dwell on the choice you did not make is counter-productive. I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all If you are going to make such a choice, why don't you accept that choice and stop this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
How are those DJs? DJs are: "He never wants to do anything fun" or "He's so bossy" "So it's ok for him to have independent behavior but not me?" -- assumes that it is okay for him to have IB, also assumes that he WANTS to have IB when you can't. "I'm just pissed off bc I didn't want to post on here but he made me" -- but he made me" is a pretty big accusation and disrespectfully worded "so i'm suppose to live in this box and watch the world go by outside my window! not fair!" -- assumes he wants you to live in a box, bored out of your mind "so how much longer is the suffering going to last? it's been over 3 yrs already" -- negates his feelings, implies he should feel different
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all I'd love to have that, too! Who wouldn't? I have made the choice, though, that there are more important things for me and my family.
Last edited by Prisca; 08/12/14 12:10 PM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433 |
I feel like I'm doing it already by working the program Then you need to stop dwelling on how much you want to get a job. You have made your choice. To dwell on the choice you did not make is counter-productive. I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all You should have money for this purpose. All the money in your marriage should be spent with joint agreement. Your access to money should be identical to FTF's. You should not be in a compromised position when it comes to controlling the finances.
me-65 wife-61 married for 40 years DS - 38, autistic, lives at home DD - 37, married and on her own DS - 32, still living with us
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233 |
I love doing that! Will he go with you to do that? What about a nice dinner, drive followed by shopping? [/quote] That sounds lovely! He's very good about doing whatever I want to do
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233 |
I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all [/quote]You should have money for this purpose. All the money in your marriage should be spent with joint agreement. Your access to money should be identical to FTF's. You should not be in a compromised position when it comes to controlling the finances. [/quote]
I'm not in a compromised position. I just want to buy a nice shirt for myself every once in awhile
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233 |
I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all I'd love to have that, too! Who wouldn't? I have made the choice, though, that there are more important things for me and my family. Yeah, it really sucks bc I'm so selfish
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233 |
How are those DJs? DJs are: "He never wants to do anything fun" or "He's so bossy" "So it's ok for him to have independent behavior but not me?" -- assumes that it is okay for him to have IB, also assumes that he WANTS to have IB when you can't. "I'm just pissed off bc I didn't want to post on here but he made me" -- but he made me" is a pretty big accusation and disrespectfully worded "so i'm suppose to live in this box and watch the world go by outside my window! not fair!" -- assumes he wants you to live in a box, bored out of your mind "so how much longer is the suffering going to last? it's been over 3 yrs already" -- negates his feelings, implies he should feel different I didn't realize they were DJ's. I was just expressing how I feel. I DO feel like he expects me to live in a box and I DO feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I love doing that! Will he go with you to do that? What about a nice dinner, drive followed by shopping? That sounds lovely! He's very good about doing whatever I want to do [/quote] ok, here is your assignment, Madam! Print out this worksheet and start filling in the week with your H. Fill in things that you would most enjoy doing together. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdfThink about places you would like to shop, dinners together, sight seeing, etc and fill in a whole week with him. This afternoon you can make up a list of the things that would make you the HAPPIEST on your dates. Can you do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233 |
I feel like I'm doing it already by working the program Then you need to stop dwelling on how much you want to get a job. You have made your choice. To dwell on the choice you did not make is counter-productive. I just wish I could make money to do all the things I want to do is all If you are going to make such a choice, why don't you accept that choice and stop this? Stop what? Feeling the way I feel?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9 |
but it doesn't bother me that he did it. I just want to do it too Can you explain to me, a non social media person, what pleasure you get from a FB account? What do you get from it that you couldn't get from, say, emailing your friends and sending pictures that way? Also, how is FB different from "watching the world outside my window"? It's difficult for me not to make my questions sound scathing, but I'm trying to push you to see whether you can get those pleasures in any other way, and to see things from another perspective.
BW Married 1989 His PA 2003-2006 2 kids.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
How are those DJs? DJs are: "He never wants to do anything fun" or "He's so bossy" "So it's ok for him to have independent behavior but not me?" -- assumes that it is okay for him to have IB, also assumes that he WANTS to have IB when you can't. "I'm just pissed off bc I didn't want to post on here but he made me" -- but he made me" is a pretty big accusation and disrespectfully worded "so i'm suppose to live in this box and watch the world go by outside my window! not fair!" -- assumes he wants you to live in a box, bored out of your mind "so how much longer is the suffering going to last? it's been over 3 yrs already" -- negates his feelings, implies he should feel different Another thing to add to this: sarcasm and exaggerations are VERY often lovebusters. You should try to avoid them.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I didn't realize they were DJ's. I was just expressing how I feel. I DO feel like he expects me to live in a box and I DO feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not Whenever you say what the other person is thinking or feeling, you are making a DJ. There is no difference between saying "I feel like he expects me to live in a box" and "I just wants me to live in a box." Or "I feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not" and "He just doesn't care if I'm bored or not." Adding the words "I feel" does not make these statements any better -- they are still disrespectful judgements and are still lovebusters. Disrespectful judgements are VERY TRICKY to see in ourselves. This is going to take some practice before you consistently see them in yourself. Start trying to talk about your feelings without getting into DJs. It's difficult, I know, but you can learn it and with practice it will become easy.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233 |
but it doesn't bother me that he did it. I just want to do it too Can you explain to me, a non social media person, what pleasure you get from a FB account? What do you get from it that you couldn't get from, say, emailing your friends and sending pictures that way? Also, how is FB different from "watching the world outside my window"? It's difficult for me not to make my questions sound scathing, but I'm trying to push you to see whether you can get those pleasures in any other way, and to see things from another perspective. All good questions that I have asked myself already. I never really got on FB when I had an account anyway so I never really missed it. I did miss hearing all about my friend's lives and looking at pictures of their kids and hearing about all the things they were doing. It just makes me feel more connected somehow. Especially when somebody says "Just get on the facebook page" for such and such. I have to explain to them that I don't have a FB account and they look at me like I have 2 heads
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I have to explain to them that I don't have a FB account and they look at me like I have 2 heads Just look at them like they have 2 heads in return It's what I do!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 233 |
I didn't realize they were DJ's. I was just expressing how I feel. I DO feel like he expects me to live in a box and I DO feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not Whenever you say what the other person is thinking or feeling, you are making a DJ. There is no difference between saying "I feel like he expects me to live in a box" and "I just wants me to live in a box." Or "I feel like he doesn't care if I'm bored or not" and "He just doesn't care if I'm bored or not." Adding the words "I feel" does not make these statements any better -- they are still disrespectful judgements and are still lovebusters. Disrespectful judgements are VERY TRICKY to see in ourselves. This is going to take some practice before you consistently see them in yourself. Start trying to talk about your feelings without getting into DJs. It's difficult, I know, but you can learn it and with practice it will become easy. So how would I word this without being disrespectful? "I feel like he expects me to live in a box"?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
So how would I word this without being disrespectful? "I feel like he expects me to live in a box"? First, tell me what he's doing or saying that makes you feel that way.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9 |
I did miss hearing all about my friend's lives and looking at pictures of their kids and hearing about all the things they were doing. It just makes me feel more connected somehow. Especially when somebody says "Just get on the facebook page" for such and such. I have to explain to them that I don't have a FB account and they look at me like I have 2 heads I can appreciate that - except caring about their reactions to my not having any accounts. My friends are very good at sending emails saying "this is for you. I posted it on FB today". I have no idea if they do it with everything, but they do it enough for me to know the juicy stuff. Can you get your friends to do that?
BW Married 1989 His PA 2003-2006 2 kids.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9 |
FC, before you disappeared last time, I posted this,and I understand that it it upset you, so I apologise. I'm going to try and explain what I meant, and to press you for an answer. fc, what could your husband do for you to make you happy in your marriage? I don't get the feeling that you are happy in your marriage and I wonder what is missing for you. MB is all about identifying such issues and working on them.
I don't mean things like letting you work outside the home, which would in fact take you away from the marriage, and which is nothing to do with the way he behaves towards you. I mean in his daily interactions with you. What needs is he not meeting as well as you'd like, or what love busters is he committing? I was trying to say that I know you want to go out to work, but I'm trying to find out whether that is the only thing that makes your marriage not romantic for you. If you went out to work, do you think you would be romantically drawn to your H? I know you would be happy in yourself, because you'd have money to do do things you like doing. (I like that aspect of working, too.) However, I'm asking about being in love with your H. Is he doing something that stops that from happening? Does he have mannerisms or a style of conversation or annoying habits or anything else that makes romance difficult for you? I'm asking because, since going out to work is not advised right now, and since doing so might not increase your romantic feelings at all, you still need to focus on your direct relationship with your H.
BW Married 1989 His PA 2003-2006 2 kids.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
612
guests, and
61
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|