The day after Xmas I was shocked to find evidence of my WW of 21yrs had hooked up with an old friend in September and had been carrying out the A since that time.

Five years ago nearly to the day, I discovered the first one. OP was has someone she just met on a trip out of state, but lingered for a long time and I had a hard time getting over it.

This time will be different because I am taking charge this time a d just searching for some encouragement. I exposed to WW sister who confronted her, and she got was that she just didn't love me anymore.

I told her she had to break off contact with OM, and she said she wouldn't or couldn't. He lives out of state,but in the same city where her parents spend the winter. Months ago she said she wanted to go see her parents, so she is leaving tomorrow and did not deny she would see him while she was there.

Through this site, and my WW sister, I have gained tje fortitude to implement exposure tomorrow as soon as she is on the plane. First call goes to her parents to let them know the real reason she's visiting. Then brother and sis in law. Brother in law actually knows the guy and will be disgusted he's tearing apart our family. Then this weekend while she's still away, i will be visiting our closest friends.

Please send any ideas because I want to make sure I get it right this time!

me..BS 47
WW 46
19, 15 boys

Please carefully read the thread in my signature and come back and ask questions. It will give you best practices for the most effective exposure. Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

Who is the OM? Is he married? Does he have a facebook page? If he has a facebook page, please go there right now and copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc.

First of all, kudos to you for having the guts to expose. MANY BHs around here hem and haw and just don't want to expose.

If you use FB to expose (as some people do) be sure to space messages out 1 minute apart to avoid being shut down for sending too many messages too fast.

One year has become five quickly, and one of her many excuses is that I'm not the happy go lucky guy she fell in love with. Funny how a devastating thing like the A sucks the fun out of ya.

For five years it seems I've been living in fear of a reaccurrance, and voila!

I did have a severe panic attack and sought medical attention and am settled down on mess now. She couldn't understand why I had uncontrollable shaking and the dry heaves.

As she wass packing tonight, she just said let be calm and we'll start fresh with my psych when she gets home. Oh yeah, I'll just do that while you're down seeing OM. Gotta make the call to her mom first thing in the morning and getting very anxious.

Melody.......many many thanks! I have been reading that for a week and has given me strength! He does not have a FB account anymore. Actually several months ago WW came to me accusing me of deleting it and that he was JUST an old friend. That made me go hmmmmm!

It would arouse my suspicion too!

Dollars to donuts she was using FB to stay in contact with him...

Thing is I hoped you made that call. BUT, and again BUT why did you post that here?

When the fisrt thing you should have done is picked up the phone then and told WW parents, then come here and tell us that you took care of business.

I took care of business today!! WW parents are outa state, time zone, and had to wait for WW to be gone. I needed support from WW sister and thank god for her. Today may have been the roughest day of my life. Experts, please tell me again I did what was best, even when I know in my heart that it was.

TLA,

Exposure is, 99% of the time, the best thing to do. What exactly did you tell them? Did you expose on FB too?

Hang in there, there's probably going to be a tidal wave of anger coming your way when she finds out.

What did WW's parents say?

CV

I read and reread exposure 101 a hundred times. I told them that I was worried for WW and our marriage. That I loved and cared for her more than anything and asked them to use their influence to reevaluate what she was doing. That my heart had been ripped out and that I'm wanting to repair our marriage. WW mother was heartbroken and they would do all possible.

Same for phone call to WW brother, sis-in-law, my brother and fam. They ask me what she's thinking, and can't give them answer....just have them ask WW

Couldn't reach OM but left him a message to call me.....still waiting and not holding my breath.

Called OM brother and informed him. Asked him to make his brother see the light......21yrs of marriage, kids, and lots of lives at stake.

No FB....spent all day with immediate family which is large and I'm ready to collapse physically and mentally. Glad WW won't be back for a few days.....more work ahead of me tomorrow!

Good job, tla!! Will these people call your WW and put pressure on her? Its real important that they know the affair has been exposed so hopefully all these people are calling her and wrekcing her romantic weekend!

Also, can you get ahold of the OM's parents and speak to them too? That will RUIN any future plans your wife has because she will be too embarrassed to go there.

Yes.....WW is actually staying with her parents in az.....so they will have lots of soul searching time and hopefully bring her out of her fantasy. Same for WW brother.....said he'd call her......he's a no nonsense guy and was floored.....said he'd do whatever it would take.

I've got good people in my corner, which is obviously the correct one for any sane person to be in!

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing"
Edmund Burke

Five years ago I did nothing....not this time!

Has she called you up screaming yet? That is curious that she has not called you yet.

No....and the silence is deafening. If and when she calls.....besides her being furious....what advice can you give me?

Just expect it and you won't be disappointed!

Don't argue, don't educate, don't explain, don't justify. Just say to WW: why are you mad all I did was tell the truth. Then change the subject, how's the weather.

As it's been said here many times, the madder she gets right now, the better. Fury = Direct hit on her little "lurve" fantasy. (I think that was Mel's creation, but can't be sure)

Hang in there brother. Her little "magic carpet ride" is getting ready to impact your resolve and love. No contest

She would do better running face first into the side of a mountain.

If she rages at you, say one of two things:

"I am fighting for our marriage."

or

"Would you like a potato chip?"

You are doing awesome!

CV

I suspect that if she arrived to parents who have just found out the truth and they are on your side and devastated, she may have her hands full right now.

CV

And the lull in the storm is a good time to pray, if you're a praying man...

I just received a text from WW evil sister, who rumor has it is having her own A, "I pray to god that you didn't bring my parents into this,"

I'm too exhausted to eve respond to her, and it's not about her anyway.

Like its not ok to tell them about WW, but it's ok for WW to lie to parents about her trip to see them, when she's really there to see OM?

Some people have lost their minds...am I right?

"you should praying for your sister instead."

Do you know if her parents will be trying to prevent her form seeing the OM?

Melody...I do pray for my WW as well as her older sis....they are slot alike. My WW younger sis spent the day with me lending her support and prayers for all involved.

I've not spoken with her parents since exposure this morning. I hope and pray that a parent can have that effect on WW, but that's the great unknown.

Parents are often one of the greatest exposure targets. I believe there is one FWW here on MB whose family was exposed to and her affair ended that day.

Well.......mount WW just blew! Here's what I can remember from the furry.

What were you thinking? Who all did you call? Its nobody's business but ours.
You ruined my vacation and parents 3 month vacation. I told you I was going away to clear my head. You just want to look like the good guy and make me look bad. I agreed to counseling and give it a try for 3 months and now you've hurt your chances.

I kept repeating all I want to do is save our marriage and that I love you. None of what you are saying is true. Our marriage needs help and I letting the family know what was happening and asked them to support rebuilding our marriage.

If madder is better.......then I just won a gold medal.

She said I screwed up! Please share with me your thoughts!

This is Spielberg. I mean it's perfectly scripted. This is really nothing new TLA, it's the same wayward story. They all claim nearly exactly the same thing.

Hang in there. This is a war of attrition. You just cut off her supply lines.

CV

Tla this is very normal and expected, infact it might get worse before it gets better do not rise to it. Stay calm and no need to repeat yourself tell her once and clearly why you did it. If she gets angrier and angrier I would suggest asking her to call you back when she has calmed down as you do not want to hear any cruelty from her.

Do not give her any reason to justify her bad behaviour. If you cut the call short because she is too angry to be reasoned with all that will do is infuriate her but if you respond in any way she will hold onto any errors you make to justify her actions.

When your WW goes into a rant is literally the equivalent of a kid having his sweets removed.

If she was so sure about how right her A is then why would she get mad? The fact is you hit a nerve. Hopefully a nerve that will make her come out of the A fantasy land with the added bonus that now you can call on a support network to help and be there for you and your marriage.

Virtually ALL Waywards say the same thing at the time of exposure, I have read the phrase " you ruined your chances now" many many times and its the most typical thing a WS says after exposure and it's never true.

Well.......mount WW just blew! Here's what I can remember from the furry.

What were you thinking? Who all did you call? Its nobody's business but ours.
You ruined my vacation and parents 3 month vacation. I told you I was going away to clear my head. You just want to look like the good guy and make me look bad. I agreed to counseling and give it a try for 3 months and now you've hurt your chances.

I kept repeating all I want to do is save our marriage and that I love you. None of what you are saying is true. Our marriage needs help and I letting the family know what was happening and asked them to support rebuilding our marriage.

If madder is better.......then I just won a gold medal.

She said I screwed up! Please share with me your thoughts!
---------------------------------------------------------------

tla, My wife was furious when I exposed it to all of her family. She said; "THIS IS OUR MESS. THEY DONT WANT TO BE INVOLVED. ITS OUR PROBLEM! YOUR NOT WELL! YOU NEED TO SEE A COUNSELOR!"
My wifes EA may not have turned sexual if I had followed MB program of exposure sooner rather than later.
I know that your head is swimming, just STICK WITH THE MB PROGRAM!
Your wife is not mentally stable; don't listen to the addict; stick to the program.

"Well.......mount WW just blew! Here's what I can remember from the furry."
because Storm WW just blew in on schedule.

"What were you thinking? Who all did you call? Its nobody's business but ours.
You ruined my vacation and parents 3 month vacation. I told you I was going away to clear my head. You just want to look like the good guy and make me look bad. I agreed to counseling and give it a try for 3 months and now you've hurt your chances."
Right out the WW handbook to try and scare the BH to stop exposure. Only the one's not trained in the MB way fall for this tactic.

"I kept repeating all I want to do is save our marriage and that I love you. None of what you are saying is true. Our marriage needs help and I letting the family know what was happening and asked them to support rebuilding our marriage."
I would of told this only once that why are you mad I only told the truth. If you are embarrased it's because what you are doing is now known. If what you are doing is correct then you wouldn't be bothered.

"If madder is better.......then I just won a gold medal." you couldn't do better

She said I screwed up!

"Please share with me your thoughts!"

With any war there are no guarantees of victory. But you have serverly dammaged the enemies supply lines.

Thats great!! If there are any other exposures you can do, I would get them done now while the getting is good. You want ot create a PILE ON. Good job!

Well done on the exposure!

Don't listen to that fogbabble business - it will just make you crazy, trying to figure out wayward logic.

My thought? I think you'd really have to worry if she didn't care at all that you exposed. Madder is better.

Great work with the exposure. You hit your target, for sure. All such typical responses from her. Make sure you expose to everyone you have left, and let the exposure do it's work.

When she says that it's over now, you can respond with, "That marriage is over, but we can have a new one, once your affair is over."

Also repeat, "I will do whatever necessary to save our marriage."

Boy, I bet that took down her hormones a step. Now that she realizes each time she is away from them, they will be wondering if she is having sex with the POSOM. Also I can imagine her brother camped outside the posom's house, Just incase she decides to make a visit.

You did wonderful. I think its hilarious how WS say "I need time to think" BS. She wanted to have sex with the OM and you threw a wrench in it. Hell I would have told her, 'Whats the big deal, you lied, cheated and betrayed me, shouldn't be to hard to lie to your parents about your actions".

Thanks to all for your support here.....it's priceless.

She sent me another text yesterday that she hoped I was happy ruining her parents vacation. bla bla bla

Today is her 46th bday. I decided to send a large bouquet of flowers to her at her parents place. I wrote "happy bday! The boys and I miss you and I love you with all my heart".

I just thought it would be a gesture that would go a long way and help her realize the great husband and family she's put in jeopardy. Not to mention her parents would see this gesture and continue with their support.

Id appreciate thoughts again about doing this. Thought it'd be a good way to kick off plan A

Flowers were good.

Just got a text from her that she got the flowers....it read "that was nice"

Was honestly a little disappointed in the response. I guess at this point I need to lower my expectations a whole lot.

Thoughts plz!?

Yes--you should lower your expectations. Right now you're working and you're going to have to expect her to be spewing venom. That's Plan A (which I assume you are in).

I think the flowers were a great idea.
And the fact you got a nice response while she is very angry is a good sign.

In my opinion your doing all the right things.

What is your plan from this point on? Have you exposed to everyone you need to expose to yet?

Exposure is done. She returns home on Tuesday, and that'll be when the fun begins.

We started into counseling before she left and so we'll pick up there. Our PhD said she wanted to have a session alone with WW so that's what's next.

Me??? Im takin care of me and my boys and be the happiest, cheeriest man she's seen in a long time. I gotta keep tellin myself that.

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing"

Good for you.

Do you know whether or not she has been able to contact or see the OM? Has her parents been watching her like a hawk?

Well......I havnt heard anything from WW since she sent me a text telling me thanks for the bday flowers.

WW brother now says what she did was wrong and doesn't really want to get involved any further.

I asked him to have WW father call me, which he said he would call and talk to me today, but I'm thinking that's not going to happen.

I gotta think WW would not be seeing OM after exposure, but her parents seem to not hold her accountable, always just saying she's a free spirit.

Then silence is killing me and my mind is racing, wondering if she'll convince them that I'm the bad guy.

You called and told them the truth and all that you know, right?

WW is coming home tomorrow and the anxiety is a little overwhelming.

WW sister told her mother that people get divorced everyday!? Also echoing WW statements about she just doesn't love me anymore. Can you all just reaffirm to me this is fog babble.

Any and all words of wisdom would be more than appreciated!!

Do the 180! Read it again tonight before you go to bed, and in the morning if you have to pick her up from the airport. If she comes down on you. Simply say,

"you were more then happy to freely go and see this guy, to obviously have sex while visiting your parents. So what does it matter if the whole world knows? In other words, if there is nothing to be ashamed of, why be ashamed? You said this is our business, yet you lie and deceive me continually. How can it be my business with you doing that? So apparently, I have no right to try and stop you from skrewing other men, and I have no right to expose your adulterous affair because "Its our business". I get to sit and play the cuckold while you are bouncing around on the POSOM's crank.

Could you please direct me to the 180!

Maybe this answer is in there but do I sleep in the same bed during planA?

tla, I would not do the 180. That is NOT a MB plan. Stick to Plan A. Sleep in your bed. Re-read the carrot and the stick. Do you have that?

I don't believe I do.....if you could provide that I would be very grateful!

And a personal thank you to you Melody.....you have held my hand thru this and helped more than you could know!

You have done a great job, tla!

Here is the link: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

**edit**

Wow.......WW gonna be home in 3 hours. So any other perspectives? I'm inclined to lay low and see where this goes for a month or two before plan B is put into place.

I gotta few friends in az that want to fly me down to help me get my head straight......was good enuf for her eh? My boss has already suggested short term disability for a few weeks, then go to B. Goin to see my attorney to get some additional advice.

Hoping for the best, planning for the worst.

Sounds to me like you have one heckuva support system going for you, at least as far as friends and work are concerned. Not many get that...especially the short term disability part.

The only advice I'm going to offer is to NOT apologize for exposing her adultery. She's still gonna be mad at you for blowing up her fantasy and plans, but a few days have passed since, so I'm sure she's come down some.

Be strong and confident, not weak and needy. All that will do is undermine all you have accomplished with action and exposure, and that's take control of the situation. Don't give her that control back. Be the man strongly and proudly fighting for her, and if she does blow, say; "I'm doing everything I can to protect and save my marriage." Be a broken record.

Hang in there. Thinking of you and praying for better days for you.

You'll get better advice soon from the vets that actually know what they are doing.

Curious though, you mention jumping to plan B so quickly. Just how much of plan A have you implemented, if any at all (besides exposure of course)? Are you looking to save and rebuild your marriage or are you ready to get out? No problem if you're done, that's your right.

If you're looking to rebuild, then I think you may want to reconsider the timing of your plan B and heading to Arizona.

I do want to rebuild without question. I've read that if the BS is male.....6 months is the timeframe. I don't have any issues with giving it that long.

Would it be wrong or detrimental to take a trip to see friends. Giver her some time alone at home with the kids, do laundry and essentially be a mom. Perhaps helping her come to the realization that our home is a wonderful, warm place to be?

tla, now would be a terrible time to leave town!! You can't work on your marriage if you are not there. So stay there and continue to raise holy HELL in the affair!

If she contacts OM in your home, politely ask her, in front of the kids to take her affair conversation out of your home. Just keep the pressure up and do a great Plan A.

Also, did you expose the affair to the OM's parents?

My question for this would be:

How can you DEMONSTRATE to her that her home is a wonderful, warm place to be (her soft cushion to land when she crashes, and she will) if you're not there for HER???

Now is not the time to abandon her, but to create the environment that you are describing. My friend, you can't do that in Arizona.

You need to watch the movie Fireproof. That is Plan A exemplified.

Fireproof

The trip wouldnt be for another month or so......but I think you're right, my gut tells me to stay put and be here mostly for my boys, but also to show her the new man I'm becoming.

I did expose to OP brother. I told him I planned next to notify his parents, and he said his father was deceased. I kinda stopped there, not really knowing how to address the exposure to an elderly woman who just lost her husband.

I've heard of fireproof.....is that something WW and I could watch together or will she, in her fog, hate something like that?

If you have time right now before she gets home, watch it now. If you can learn something from this, then you can introduce it to her later. WAY later.

Okay, screw the above comment..get the house rightous, neat, and have something ready for her to eat.

Seriously though...plan A her [censored] off tonight, but don't be a wimp or a wuss about it. Maintain the control that YOU have snatched away from her. Be James Bond cool. Believe me, she's going to do everything in her power to make you back down, back off, and give in to her demands and fantasy.

DO NOT DO IT!!!!!

And don't expect anything in return right now. That comes in time. Right now she "hates" you...but not really. Right now you're making an emotional investment on the hope of returns on your investment in the future.

Be the duck...calm on the surface but paddling like hell underneath.

Do not leave! You'll give your WW the opportunity to firm up her affair. Yeah, she'll realize that your home is wonderful place to be - without you in it. You don't want that.

Could you and ww take AZ trip together in a few weeks for some intensive ua time?

Message received.......staying put and putting up a fight.

Speaking of......WW started in on me again tonight.......what where thinking? This is between you and me! who else dido you call? Why did you call op brother? On and on.

I calmly continued to tell her I believe in our marriage, I'm not gonna quit, I know it's in your heart somewhere.....that was rough!

Plus the I don't love anymore and alot of other things I can't remember.

Please send your prayers and your thoughts! Thanks you in advance!

Man, this is all typical fogbabble. Ignore it. Just do your best not to laugh at it. This is scripted beyond belief. She'll calm down soon. Just be a broken record right now, like everyone has said before.

I'm doing everything I can to protect my marriage

If you have any more exposures to do, then do them now. Any delay, and then it may come off as vindictive and not helpful in saving your marriage.

Capiche?

Just asked WW want was going on Friday night......said she didn't know.
I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie and she said yeah,we could do that.

I can't the last time we went out to a movie so I'm feeling a little victorious!

I'm gonna keep the course, keep it light, and let her know I'm fighting for us.

She also told me she made an appt with our PhD for Friday.

Baby steps......right my friends!?

You are doing great tla! Just don't pansy down to her. Believe me, she WILL test you on this. She will test you to the Nth degree on your manhood right now, and you have to stand up to it.

DON'T BACK DOWN

We talked about this before....DO NOT let her take control back!!

You are in a good position right now. Be strong and don't blow it by being passive and needy.

Ain't gonna happened......that happened the first time........not this time!

Thanks for the reinforcement!

Plan A pros, please help and let me know if i'm doing the right thing.

Yesterday morning, I set up the coffee pot for ww before I leave, and leave a mug out that I gave her for v-day a few years ago that simply says "i love you"

Also just left her a note in her care today before i left the house knowing she had errands to run saying "you are my soulshine, i love you"

Am I on the right path?? too much?? OK?? Still just maintaining calm and cool and light conversations. Before I leave for work, i tell her i love her, and give her a kiss on the top of her head.

Is it too much or do I need to back it down???
Thanks for all your help!!

I thought baby steps were being made, and then whack!!!!

I did install a keylogger on her computer, and last night she changed the password to OP's name. I'm about read to vomit....again.

Although he doesn't have a facebook page, which is odd, she works from home so i know she's talking to him probably daily on her iphone, which she has a lock on.

Do I continue plan A and let it go for the plan A timeframe, or is this an addressable issue.....with counselor.

Probably don't what to say anything then she would figure out spyware. I'm needed some help today folks!!!

What exactly was the "whack", besides changing her password to the OM's name? I know that hurts like hell, but not overly unexpected. WS's do things like that all the time. Remember, she is still fully engulfed in the fog. It doesn't lift overnight, so don't expect it to.

As far as the iphone is concerned, it has a sim card I believe. Can you get any alone time with it. You could get a sim card reader and download everything you want and need with that, deleted or not.

http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/cellphone-spy-simcardreader.html

Did you have any success reaching the OM's parents or other relatives? Leave no stone uncovered on that one.

Thanks Tiger for setting me straight. I checked the link and said it did not work with iphones, so if anyone knows of a device similiar for iphones, that'd be terrifiic.

I don't know if you read my previous posts about the first 2 days of my plan A

I really like to hear from some folks who have plan A'd and wonder if all of what I have done is in line.

Could've sworn that would work. Look at this one

http://www.proofpronto.com/iphone-recovery-stick.html

Look, everything you've done so far seems good. You HAVE to understand, this is not going to be a quick fix. You are at the beginning of a very long, and emotionally painful, marathon while you are thinking this is a 100 yard dash.

Your wife (at least in her wayward little mind) is in lurve (I love this one Mel) with her AP. Okay? But the truth of the matter is, she's in lurve with the fantasy, the euphoria, the newness, the excitement, the cloak and dagger, etc., etc.

You have put a pretty huge dent in those fantasies with your exposure, which is why everyone has been saying..ATTACK THE OM!! Find out his relatives, mom, dad, send a letter to his dog if you have to. Do whatever it takes!

You have to kill the affair completely first. If you have a need for some help locating people I would be happy to supply you with an email addy where you can contact me and I would be happy to help track down whomever. I'm pretty good at this stuff.

Not sure why I've taken a personal interest in your situation, but I have. So there you go!

Tiger....thx for take a personal interest.....but I've been shaken again.

I knew that she'd see the op while she was there.....but just discovered she was only at her parents one night, and lied to them about where she was going.....which was to meet friends at a conference in tuscon.....they are in phx.....as is op.

I've been plan A-ing since she's been home, even out to a movie last night.
But to know she was with him for a week, and can come back home like nothing happened is scrambling my noodles and raising my blood pressure.

Now I want her to go find someplace else to stay and take the comforts of home away from her.....What's a man to do?

Same thing happened the first time with no uncomfortable consequences!

First thing you need to do is get on the phone and inform her parents, her brother and anyone else you can think of with influence this revelation.

In other words, FULL re-exposure!

and second is change the locks on the doors.

Celtic......I want her here but its obvious she is playing me. I wanted to give all I could to plan A, I feel like she's gotta go somewhere else besides here before I can even start a plan A. I think she needs a big dose of consequences!

Thoughts???

I agree. She made a bold play. The question is how you respond. Will there big bold consequences to her actions? If she comes home and finds a suitcase on the steps and the door locks changed with a note saying "when you are ready to work on our M, call me", she might get a good solid dose of reality.

I'll tell you something else... Mel's said it here in regards to women getting PTSD over waywards and failed prolonged plan a's... It can happen to men too. Affairs are far more traumatic than we realize. Guard your heart and mind in this.

CV

I'm not going to do anything immediately. I'm planning on talking to our PhD, a couple of attorneys, family and friends.

Her brother told me that her mom sed she was there one night, then to tuscon for a conference to see friends. I know her friends that were there, and I need to confirm with them that she was not there.

Once I have all that in place, and have her tell me and the counselor that she's still in contact with other man, that's when I tell her she needs to find somewhere to go until she's ready to be honest, stop the lies, and work on our marriage.

Please everyone, leave me you thoughts

I think it will be difficult to Plan A her if you've made her leave the house.

I also think she's going to look you and your counselor squarely in the eye and lie about her involvement with OM. What is your plan for that possibility?

If you cannot handle having her in the house for some solid Plan A time, you should go to Plan B. Have you read about these plans? Do not go into Plan B without a solid plan. There can be no contact in Plan B. Make sure you're ready for this step before jumping into it.

Look here: Plan A and Plan B

She's already looked me and the counselor in the eyes and admitted it. She says she's pondering whether the marriage is what she wants.

I'm just feeling like I gotta let her go and see what it's like without home and family.

As I said, I wanna seek counsel with as many people as I possibly can, including the fine folks here. I'm also not going to make any rash decisions and have not yet determined a time frame.

She said shed give counseling 3months, so maybe that's my endpoint.

As I said, I'd appreciate all view points and thoughts......thank you all!

If she were serious then it wouldn't matter how long counseling took. The 3 month garbage is just so she can go around telling everyone that she tried to work things out.

You said it yourself...you're being severely played, and you know why?

Because she knows you'll let her

I got the "go to counseling for three months while I figure this out" routine. It was three months longer in her affair. I didn't go to counseling by the way. I plan A'd her to death.

CV

So tiger.......do I start making a plan for her to get out while she "decides"?

Sounds like she's already "decided", so what do you think? I mean, tla, this woman went and hooked up with her OM right smack dab in the middle of exposure.

Oops...didn't mean to submit so quickly. Have you verified this contact with her friends yet?

I have not spoken with them personally yet. However, I overheard her talking on the phone to one of best friends about it who did go It was a leadership award trip and told her that she was sorry that she missed it, and asked her who all made trip.

Had she actually been there, she would not have been asking that question or making that statement. Just putting 2 and 2 together.

I'm planning on making a call to see if anyone saw her. It's not a large group, so if the WW was in fact there for any period of time, they would have known

So what's the delay on calling?

(patiently tapping fingers next to keyboard)

Look, you are wasting seriously valuable time when there is none to waste.

GET TO WORK NOW, CONFIRM IT'S TRUE, THEN RE-EXPOSE!!
(or do you enjoy being cuckolded? Yeah, I just attacked your manhood so do something about it)

Oh, and while you're at it, buy new locks and be prepared to use them. I know I could be wrong, but I'm quite sure Celtic's not.

t/j Wes, you're doing great with our posters. Keep it up. end t/j.

MBliss, thank you! That really means a lot!

I was actually beginning to wonder if I was spewing bad info and advice after spending so much time devouring the MB concepts (which I truly do embrace, btw).

Very much appreciated!

The only thing I'm waiting for is tomorrow, then a visit with my attorney on Tuesday. I just want to get all my ducks in a row and have all the facts in black and white. Then have her pack her bags. Am I all good?

So what do you plan to do tomorrow?

Try to get ahold of the women who were there, and check to see if WW was there or not.

Then call WW parents to make sure what I heard from WW brother.....that they said that she had to attend a confirm. In tuscon.

Talk with attorney on Tuesday and know my legal options. Then at that point, tell her she's going to have to find a place to stay because there have been too many lies and that screwing another guy has consequences!

Well, I think you know the answer to the first question, even though it's unverified at the moment, so let's go from there.

How is she financing all this? Have you separated your accounts and closed all joint credit card accounts. Who's the bread winner and where is all the cash coming from? If from you, cut off ALL streams of income for her. Shut it down tomorrow first thing.

I'm deadly serious about this. WW's can do some wicked things (no offense ladies) when it comes to financing their magic carpet ride.

Protect your finances right now. Period...the end!

Your wife has temporarily lost her mind in this fantasy. Do NOT let her make you lose your mind(and financial security) because you failed to protect yourself.

Do it tomorry....first thing.

We have a joint account and she has her business account. Will the bank allow me remove her from the joint account, which is solely my income?

Also, I'd like some input on how to tell her I don't want her in the house anymore.

I know plan a is long term, not short term.....but after hearing from friends, she says she wants to move on with OM. Of course she doesn't tell them that, that we've had problems for years and she just can't take it anymore....YADA YADA YADA

Clean out your joint account. Open a new account AT A DIFFERENT BANK and put your funds there. Leave just enough in the joint account so that you can't be accused of taking all the money.

As far as telling her? TELL HER. Tell her that her continued abuse of you is too much for you to deal with. Tell her that, as long as she continues to carry on her affair, she will have to leave your marital home.

I don't know how it works where you live, but here, you can't even remove YOUR name without HER permission. My WH was trying to get off of the joint account, and he needed me to sign paperwork to say that it was okay.

Do as MB suggested and open yourself a new account. Ensure that whatever bills, etc come out of the joint account, and are your responsibility, are changed to the new account. Get your paycheck into the new account.

Ditto. Did you confirm today, and if so, re-expose?

Actually have not been able to get ahold of the woman yet to reconfirm.

Spent most the day in the hospital with blood clots in my leg. It started hurting shortly after dday. Called my doc and sent me to the hospital. After scan.....off to infusion therapy.

WW really showed little concern which was really my wake up call. Being in the medical field, I knew that it could have potentially been very serious.

The body is an amazing organism and I'm sure the mental and physiological trauma played a part.......how can people be so cold?

Oh man, so sorry to hear about that. Yeah, that can be very bad if not treated properly and quickly. Sheez, as if you didn't have enough to deal with.


Not sure what to say to this. Does she even realize just how dangerous something like this can be? Okay, I hate to be blunt, but I'm going to be.

Ask yourself this question: Do you think this woman could ever seriously have your back?? Do you think she has it in her to ever have YOUR best interests at heart and not just hers?

Do take the advice of the ladies above though. Clear out that joint account and open another account with a different bank tomorrow. If you can't physically get there then call them, explain the situation and see what you can do from bed. (I don't know what your mobility is like so...)

Tig.....the answer is unquestionably no. Her sister appalled at her lack of concern and couldn't appologize enough. WW does not have my back, but her sister and brother do, which is truly a blessing!

Thanks for your concerns. I'm lucky to have good friends that are physicians that have my back too!

My plea to men going through this is pay attention to what your body is telling you and if something doesn't seem right, get it checked immediately!

PEACE

This is getting into Pariah territory, though just barely.

Your life is in danger (however small the risk of actual death) and she couldn't care less? That's just...so...

And yes--her sister and brother were a blessing to you.

Well, if her own brother and sister can see this as it is, then I don't know what to say. Maybe some vets can chime in here with better wisdom than I have to offer.

Take care of that money issue pronto, and take care of yourself. If you still want to expose more and see where it leads, then let's do it when you are ready.

But do take care of your health first my friend.

Well...WW just stormed out.

I posted on a trade web site using his initials that he was an adulterous, home wrecking scum bag. He must have seen it, notified WW, and she demanded that I remove it. I told her I would try but could. Ot.

She started throwing around slander, and I said I didn't write anything down that wasn't true. She said it was over and packed a bag and left.

May e I shouldn't have done it, by my furry and rage of knowing she just spent days with him has made me furious while feeling helpless.

Was I right or wrong?

I would ask if you have a VAR on you at the moment. She may do just about anything at this point.

Supposing she comes back, I'd have it handy...

I wouldn't delete a thing..unless you're not telling the truth of course.

You need to expose this to your other targets, and now. I think you have your confirmation.

GO

I'm not sure what a VAR is?? I 'm gonna snuggle in with my 15yr old son, take a Xanax and relax.

She kept blaming me that she has faking it all these years, and her last two affairs were my fault, when I know it's not true...I'd do anything for the woman that I love, but her mind ain't right. She lost it when I told her she found a soul mate 5 hrs ago, and now she found another soulmate,and that she would probably have at least a couple more at the rate she's going. OUCH MAN!

Truth be known, I'm feeling like I'm at peace!

VAR= voice activated recorder

The rest? I would say fogbabble ordinarily, but I think you know the real truth behind this one.

At this point, I know what I would do, but it would go against the MB concepts that I truly have subscribed to. (actually, maybe not)

What do YOU to happen here, tla09??

Seriously, I would make a trip to walmart and change the locks tonight. Let her know you are serious.

CV

Of course. You did not wish her all happiness in finding 3089352 soulmates by the time the year's over...

How dare you.

You know you're on the right side when they get mad at you for being mad at their wayward behavior...

Well tiger my friend......it's too soon for me to figure a plan right now.

Lawyer appt is tomorrow, go to the bank tomorrow.

I suppose just let her go to swim in the manusha she created.

I told her there were three people in this marriage, and that's one too many for me. Don't know if just movin on is MB, but that's what I'm thinking.

And you?

As to your WW's lack of concern for your physical wellbeing--this callousness seems to be very typical. The entire focus is on "me, me, me" and on the adulterous "soulmate" relationship.

Adultery changes a person. Proverbs 6:32 says "A man who commits adultery destroys his own soul." Being the BS allows a full and horrible view into this destruction. And the WS doesn't even see it. They see history as very different from the truth, too. The things WSs say while in the fog are truly outlandish.

Everything your WW does while in her fog is something she will deeply regret IF she ever comes out of it.

All she is doing has been seen before on these forums.

I'd keep up exposure for now (after securing finances of course). Make every attempt to kill this affair. If, after all is said and done, you still have to walk away, then you walk away head held high, knowing you did everything in your power to save your marriage. You'll know it, your family will know it, all your friends will know it. One day...she will too.

Celtic's said it twice, I've said it twice; change the locks and let her choke on HER decisions.

Actions have consequences. Illustrate them.

Well my friends, it's been a turbulent weekend wanted to share and ask for your thoughts and prayers.

I continue with exposure of op. There is an industry website which is dived into company message boards. On his companies message board, I posted "op initials in city is an adulterer and a family wrecker, and HR should be notified"

I was enraged at the time and maybe took that too far? Within 15 mins, WW was in my face demanding that I remove it. Told her I couldnt and there was only room for 2 in our marriage so he had to go, or she had to go. So she went and packed a bag for the night and left.

She stayed with family friend and was back home at 5am to get ready for a meeting and left. When I returned home from work, she informed me that she has a place to go, rent free, but not till April. Sooo, she suggested that I go live with my parents until then.....which I responded with a laugh and a your crazy if u think I'm going anywhere.

Last night she had a breakdown......with all the lies, leaving her family and home, juggling op and who knows what else, I'm not surprised and rather enjoyed it. I refrained and just continue to support her, which I thinks makes her crazier.

Op has told her that he's worried about her safety because I may be homicidal!
I know you all don't know me from Adam, but that's the craziest thing ever said about me from a total stranger.

I'm just takin it one day at time and doing plan a until April, when we find out if she goes or comes out of the fog. I'm not terribly optimistic, but keeping the faith and a sliver of hope.

Thoughts and ideas are welcomed!

tla,

Please take the suggestion of the VAR seriously. If the OM is talking about your being homicidal it's because she is filling his head with all sorts of lies about you and obviously, he's not as objective as we would like to think he is. He is taking her word for it, hook, line and sinker - protect yourself.

If you aren't able to record from your phone, Radio Shack has a nice unit that isn't too pricey and allows you to download your recordings for future use.

Have you gone to the bank yet?

She beat me to it and separated her business acct from our joint acct, so I don't have access to her money, but she has access to our (my) income. First thing Monday im going in to open a new account and change my direct deposit with my company.

Funny, or sadly, she said I've done so many crazy things lately, ie..exposure to everyone, she was worried I would do something with her money, which is significantly less. She does direct sales, so income is not stable. And she's always been pretty irresponsible financially.........example.....went out and bought a new car last year without even discussing it with me. What kind of spouse does that?

tla, listen to what sc just told you. Get a VAR and keep it on you at ALL times. Some women (no offense ladies) have done some pretty wicked things to gain an "advantage" when their backs are against the wall. Seriously, protect yourself here. This has potentially bad news written all over it.

A very selfish and entitled spouse

I thing confused may be more accurate. Ramp up Plan A and work it to the hilt. Watch your AOs and DJs. Believe me, I KNOW it's tempting to just go off on her, but all you'll end up doing is undermining all you have done so far.

Be in control of yourself, and keep up the good fight.

Go NOW and get the VAR if you haven't already.

VAR first thing tomorrow! Honestly, I've been cool as a back side of the pillow with now discussions regarding A.

So do I keep the VAR with me, or hide it in her office where she does all of her communicating via laptop, which I've installed spyware, and her iPhone?

I had a tech friend asked me if she used our wifi for her text mags,which she does while she's home. He thinks he think he knows a true tech guy that can track all that.

Oh yeah, she also unfriended me on Facebook. I will be king of plan A, but honestly am ready for plan B!

Help tiger or anyone.......AO n DJ??

Still plan A so much her head will spin off her shoulders!

Should I put VAR in her office where whe conducts most of her phone conversations?

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter"
Martin Luther King

If you can afford 2 VARs you could put one in her office (or car) as well. Just be sure to keep one ON YOUR PERSON at all times.

AO= Angry Outburts
DJ= Disrespectful Judgements

Acronyms and Abbreviations

Well.....my WW had a counseling session on Thursday las week, and the we both met with her on Friday.....and the news was discouraging to say the least.

It was mostly centered around she didn't love me anymore and how we need to not share our problems with family and friends. Also how we need to come together and tell the boys, 19 & 15.

We live in the Midwest, and this is a week after she took her trip to az to see OM, and lied to her parents, whom she was visiting, of her whereabouts. Told them she was at a conference she didn't attend, and they know she lied.

She informed me yesterday she was moving out next week, and is severely fogged in.

Plan b is now forced upon me. My questions are many. After being on her own away from kids, home....what are the chances she will come back? OM is out of state so won't have physical contact. What bills do I ask for her to pay.

I'm just lost right now and would like some thoughts and advice!

So I've read confusing threads and need some help.

So WW has informed me she's moving out next week. Does that not automatically put me into plan B mode with no contact, or do I still implement plan A while she's living in another dwelling??

She's says we're done, but was just with OP for a fling in AZ a couple weeks ago. What to do please????

Of course she doesn't want her sleazy adulterous behavior exposed any more. Would you?

Why do you need to come together and tell them this. Why...to let her put her little romantic and mind warped spin on it? Tell them NOW. There's a reason why exposure works, and you are failing miserably here. I must have missed that you had kids that age. This should've been done immediately. Do it now! At their age this is a powerful weapon in your arsenal. Are you listening??????

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A

Another example of bad counseling. All about telling WW what she wants to here so she keeps on coming back to pay for more sessions.

Expose far and wide.

No coming together. You tell your sons today that WW is having an affair with the OM. Tell them OM's name. They have a week to tell WW they are displeased with the OM. Most likely they tell WW they will not accept OM in their lives.

1.
Expose to the boys yourself and do not let her beat you to it. Do NOT tell her you are going to do it. Tel them the facts and that you are willing to repair your marriage if she stops seeing OM. Tell them you are trying to win her back and ask them to influence her to stop the affair.

2.
Do NOT go with her to marriage counseling. If you can, hold her to her promise to try for 4 months and find a MB counselor who applies the ideas of Dr. Harley.
Most marriage counselors only aim to improve communication between the spouses (read: they should be friendly and civil to eachother) and to let each spouse live up to its 'true self' (read: they should do what they feel like, which at the moment for your wife is a divorce).
This will only lead to an amicable divorce.

You and I know that once the fog lifts, your wife may want something entirely different. She has her pink glasses on and things life with OM will be bliss and rosebuds. At you, she looks with the bad glasses and she sees only the things that ever went wrong.

Plan A is already causing her to be somewhat confused. Because the OM only looks the better if you behave worse! When you brought her flowers, there was one thing less for her to say: Oh look what OM does, BS would never do that for me.

Anyway, this counselor obviously buys into her 'quest to happiness' and tries to keep you calm and accept the 'new reality' that the 'love is simply gone', while WW pursues her affair.

Your sons may be your best exposure targets. Life with OM will look a lot less appealing, if her fantasy of 'the ideal blended family' in which the boys accept and like OM like a second father will never materialize. She may not see it rightaway, but it WILL eat at her. This is something OM will never be able to do: love and take interest in her children as much as you, who knew and loved them from day one.

Plan A does not only include being nice, but also if possible spend time that brings in some love bank 'money'. If she is so absorbed in OM that she does not want to go anywhere with you, maybe you can try to remind her of good times here and there. (e.g. ice skating is on tv and you say: oh, do you remember that we always went iceskating with the boys? something like that.) Or give her a foot massage if she will let you.

Remember, the plan A that you do now, will lay the foundation for plan B if it will be nessecary. Marriages that make it, are often saved in plan A, because in plan A, you have the power. In plan B, you are not powerless, but you will have to take the chance that the WS not only sees in hindsight that you are the better catch, but also admits the mistake and comes back. Read the carrot and stick of plan A here

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725

again and do the best you can in the time remaining. Also, keeping the house clean is a good thing, but really listening to a woman (if she will let you) and taking interest in her and loving gestures will make more love bank deposits. You can surely remember what made her fall in love with you back then. Work that routine again. Think about what you did when you were in love, compliment her. You will think of something.

If you make a unbelievably better husband out of yourself and practise this under these difficult circumstances, it might or might not bring your wife back, but it WILL make you a better person. Everyting you do or say makes you the man you want to become.

Stay calm and be solid like a rock. You will lead your family out of this storm. One way... or another.

May God bless you,

Happyheart

TLA,

Have to agree with The Road, what have you done to take OM out of commission? Your marriage cannot be save if your WW is still in contact with OM. You might forgive OM for what he did to your WW, but what OM did to your children is not forgivable.

God Bless
Gamma

I hear you all loud and clear, however I may be to the point that my life and children's lives would be better without her.

I'm sad she's leaving, yet relieved. If someone is not greeting you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering.

Her rose colored glasses are on. I've asked what I could have done different and she says nothing. I'm feeling better that there's someone out there that would appreciate me a lot more tan she does!

The spyware is an amazing tool. It has helped me realize that I deserve better and am sorry, but ceased plan a.

When you see that she searching for places to elope, how to please your man in bed, looking at wedding dresses and a whole lot of other things that are unmentionable......it's difficult to utter a word to her. I'm pleasant, calm and collected, but this one may be in the books for now.

She's moving out next week, and leaving me and 15yr old son. So, plan b will begin and would appreciate any and all suggestions. Maybe she will come out of the fog after shes out on her own, but it may not be in my best interest to take her back.

She's looking tired and worn down, so who knows, maybe she's gonna have a breakthrough soon, bot then again, may e not

Well, tla, I was wondering where you ran off to. Not sure what to tell you at this point since my time here on this board is kind of short and I'm probably (read:certainly) not the best poster to be giving you advice at this point.

Have you confronted the OM at all? And if not, why not? I may have already read about this but you have to understand there are a LOT of threads here And it's hard to keep all the stories straight.

However, I DO recall offering to help you with being a Plan B IM. That offer still stands. I've read up on it, and with the help of the board I can manage it for you.

So sorry for all this crap you're seeing. That keylogger is a blessing in disguise but also a gateway to emotional Hell.

Thanks Tiger and to you all. I was just informed by WW that she has hired an attorney and filed for divorce. I did all I could do, but evidently the pull of a new life without kids and family is appealling and the OM has a very strong pull on her.

She wanted to talk after she told me, but I said I had nothing left to say, that I gave it everything I had, and evidently was not enough, walked out and went for a long drive.

Trying to remain positive about my future, but if anyone has any words of wisdom......now would be a pretty good time to hear them.

Thanks to you all and God Bless you all

Trueheart's Letter

Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that your BS has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that you can feel safe as you come out the fog that has enveloped you so tightly over the past weeks, months, or years.

I do not know m any of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a WS. I am hoping that I can help you come back to the light, so that you can come back to the light that has, for so long, shielded you with that dense fog you may still be in.

The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and unconditionally stand by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have put up with our lies, our anger, our accusations, and maybe in some cases verbal and/or physical abusiveness. They have watched us trash us the things they believed in more than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong. They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well.

They know they have made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in these things. Can you?

We, most of us, alsoe have children that look at us, and see only the love of a Mom or a Dad. They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers in life, no matter how big or small the answers are. Our life changed, no matter much we didn't want it to when we helped create that life. We owe our children the best chance to learn from us. We owe them our unconditional, total, and complete love, so that they can start on the journey with as few bumps and bruises as possible. They look to you for truth in their lives. To deny them that chance, is a travesty.

You took an oath, in your heart and mind, to protect and defend and teach YOUR child, as soon as they were created. So, you see, you have people in your life that believe in you, love you, accept you, want you, need you, cherish you, and the list goes on and on.

I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water.

We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok.

What we should be doing is finding every reason for our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!

The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an A.

I know what is like to have that OP fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard em all and said em all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us.

You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right, true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at all.

The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your marriage, and your family.

It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you.

The truth is most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life".

I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was.

I now spend everyday, more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven. You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them. Their piece of mind, their feelings are all that matter.

They know, from being here, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!!

Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them??

By being here, at xxxxxxxxxxxxx, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life.

You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process.

What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage.

They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand.

They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog. See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before.

I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who understands what we WS go through, then feel free to write *edit* There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep the faith!

*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*

Trueheart

And, yes, tla..this is from a past MBer. Print it off and let her read it. May not help, but sure won't hurt

On second thought, don't give this to her yet. It'll go in one ear and right out the other. That was stupid suggestion.

Tiger I like it, but if and when should I let her read this?

I wouldn't even bother. This is a letter that is more suited for lurking waywards that are truly trying to change their ways; for trying to find some motivation to get out of their affairs and actually work on their marriages. I'm afraid your sitch doesn't fall under that category, and I'm truly sorry about that.

Like I said, it was a very stupid suggestion, and I would just disregard it completely. This is one example why it's not good for me to stay up past midnight. Dumb advice.