Marriage Builders®
Posted By: garak77 Her Affair - 06/08/14 01:02 PM
Got married to a beautiful Brazillian on 12-17-2002

I got into pornography during our marriage, she found out and it crushed her. She harbors resentment and bitterness.

For the last 1.5 years she had 3 affairs. I work at night and sleep during the day,so that must be hard for her. It also made it easy for her to invite the other man over while I was t work.

She had sex with him when she went on a trip to Valdasta to visit a college girl friend. (They got a hotel together) we have a 4 year old, she took him, but I am told he slept in a different partition or room I the hotel room. (He was 3 at the time)
I found out about 3 or 4 weeks ago.
(I stole her iPod touch to snoop)
Since then she has been mostly helpful, but she still tries to pass at least some of the blame for my pornography. (I know I deserve some of the blame, but I stopped before her affairs.

I'll post later
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 02:10 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Got married to a beautiful Brazillian on 12-17-2002

I got into pornography during our marriage, she found out and it crushed her. She harbors resentment and bitterness.

For the last 1.5 years she had 3 affairs. I work at night and sleep during the day,so that must be hard for her. It also made it easy for her to invite the other man over while I was t work.

She had sex with him when she went on a trip to Valdasta to visit a college girl friend. (They got a hotel together) we have a 4 year old, she took him, but I am told he slept in a different partition or room I the hotel room. (He was 3 at the time)
I found out about 3 or 4 weeks ago.
(I stole her iPod touch to snoop)
Since then she has been mostly helpful, but she still tries to pass at least some of the blame for my pornography. (I know I deserve some of the blame, but I stopped before her affairs.

I'll post later

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Who are her OM(s)? How does she meet them?

Are any of them married?

Have you told anyone about her affair?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 02:11 PM
Also, have you read all of these?
SAA-Start Here First
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 08:04 PM
Thank you, and all great questions.
The main OM is out of the picture, because I took care of that.
I am told the other 2 men were a one time thing.
One was married, the other was not.
The main OM was with her for just over a year.
He would even come over at night when I am working.
(I am told they did not use either of the beds. (I know about trickle truth, but I believe her.)
My wife told her mother and her closest friends.
We also joined out local Baptist church today. (Switched churches because we moved 3 years ago)
She is a complete open book now. I see all emails, and phone calls, exc.
(I would have it no other way)
She met each of them on Craig's List, she said she only wanted a pin pal
Posted By: mrs_cen Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 08:22 PM
The first thing you need to realize is that WW's LIE, she told you the other two were a "one time thing", she told you "they didn't use the beds", she told you "she only wanted a pen pal" ~ she's lying to your face.
How do you know she doesn't have another secret email account?
How do you know she doesn't have another secret phone?
WW's are fantastic at lying, deceiving & hiding things - I could go on and on.
Viewing pornography is NO excuse for her to begin an affair ~ let alone THREE of them.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 08:46 PM
Mrs_cen,

I believe at first she only wanted a pen pal, but no guy goes on Craig's list only looking for a pen pal.

I Agee the pornography is no excuse. I don't believe she has a secrete email, or a secrete phone. (Though anything is possible, and she could be lying, but if believe she is now truthfull)
I have prayed for God to bring to light anything in the dark, and shortly after I got all this info.
A few hours after the first D moment, it was like a truth switch was hit, and I was told everything freely.
She saw me post here for the first time I will say though.
I will also say, if there is anything else in the dark, I want to know about it.
I believe God is moving, but I want the entire trut.
I know my viewing pornography hurt her, but I agree there is no excuse.
(Also, I have stopped viewing pornography)
Also, keep in mind she told her mother and closest friends. If she were going to continue the deceit, I believe she would not have told them
We have also told the main OM's wife, and blocked their phone numbers, so I believe he is out of the picture.
Posted By: mrs_cen Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 10:09 PM
When my BH found out about my affair, he told EVERYONE ~ have you told anyone on your side of the family? Parents, siblings, friends?
Im glad you feel you have complete honesty from her ~ I truly hope that you do, I will say though IF she is still in her dog, telling her folks and close friends doesn't necessarily mean anything ~ my parents and best friend were aware as well and in the beginning I didn't care, it didn't matter.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 10:27 PM
My mom knows, my dad died when I was a baby.
My brother has autism, I did not tell him.
For the most part, it seems a switch was hit, and I see a real attitude change in my wife. Sometimes I tell her that she hurt me greatly, and she usually is supportive, but sometimes she makes an off hand comment that my viewing pornography hurt her, and she eludes that she is somewhat justified, (without actually saying it)
My mom is very very imposing, and I did not do enough to shut my mom out of our marriage, and she has some resentment for that too.
Part of me thinks that her having sex with 3 other men is a bridge too far, and something drastic has to happen, because the mind movies make fe feel like I want to die.
I love my wife, and I want to R, but it is the hardest thing I ever went through.
It is so amazing that the person who I love the most, and is supposed to love me the most can do this to me.
She said she used the living room floor and couch for her activities, (never the bed, and always while my 3 (now 4) year old was asleep.
Also, the main OM beat her, and she was still dumb enough to let him back in our house.
(This often happened while I was busting my butt at my overnight job)
Should I refuse to sit on the couch with her?
I don't want to neglect her needs, but I have needs too.
I don't have any answers, I just know I love her, and I believe all truth was told, but I would like to know if there is anything in the dark.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 10:33 PM
You need to get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley ASAP
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 10:34 PM
I would post all of the OM on www.cheaterville.com ;
be honest and tell your story.
Posted By: armymama Re: Her Affair - 06/08/14 11:14 PM
A few months ago, there was a man who posted here who walked in on his wife and OM sitting on the couch with her shirt off. This poster took his couch, dragged it into the backyard and set fire to it.

Your wife is lying to you. She had the OM in your bed. SHE TOOK YOUR CHILD TO A HOTEL TO HAVE SEX WITH OM!!!

There is much more going on here with an affair that has been going on for this long.

AM
Posted By: mrs_cen Re: Her Affair - 06/09/14 10:55 AM
Have you thought about having her take a polygraph?
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Her Affair - 06/13/14 01:00 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
My mom knows, my dad died when I was a baby.
My brother has autism, I did not tell him.
For the most part, it seems a switch was hit, and I see a real attitude change in my wife. Sometimes I tell her that she hurt me greatly, and she usually is supportive, but sometimes she makes an off hand comment that my viewing pornography hurt her, and she eludes that she is somewhat justified, (without actually saying it)
My mom is very very imposing, and I did not do enough to shut my mom out of our marriage, and she has some resentment for that too.
Part of me thinks that her having sex with 3 other men is a bridge too far, and something drastic has to happen, because the mind movies make fe feel like I want to die.
I love my wife, and I want to R, but it is the hardest thing I ever went through.
It is so amazing that the person who I love the most, and is supposed to love me the most can do this to me.
She said she used the living room floor and couch for her activities, (never the bed, and always while my 3 (now 4) year old was asleep.
Also, the main OM beat her, and she was still dumb enough to let him back in our house.
(This often happened while I was busting my butt at my overnight job)
Should I refuse to sit on the couch with her?
I don't want to neglect her needs, but I have needs too.
I don't have any answers, I just know I love her, and I believe all truth was told, but I would like to know if there is anything in the dark.


Barn fire that couch tonight. Rug on the floor then add that to the fire.
Posted By: garak77 Question - 06/28/14 12:23 AM
Should my wife tell me sexual details of her affair? (I think I have posted info here before, but I will get back to it as I have to go to work now.
I found out today that she lied about details, because I read old messages that she thought she deleted.
(I know it does my no good to read those messages, and she got rid of most of them, but my mind goes in overdrive)
Thank you for your help.
Posted By: Gamma Re: Question - 06/28/14 12:41 AM
Gmsisko1,

Yes she should tell you whatever level of detail you wish and be completely transparent. She should not lie to you, her lies will keep your marriage unrecovered.

Married couples should not keep secrets from each other, nor should your WW continue to keep intimate details confidential between her and the OMs.

Just get a polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 06/28/14 01:59 PM
Another question,
2 of the OM are married. We already told the most recent OMs wife.
My W will not tell me the other OMs last name.
(Says she forgot, says they only had sex one time,) (lies)
Should I insist on the OMs last name?
Should I try to tell his wife?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 06/28/14 02:04 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Another question,
2 of the OM are married. We already told the most recent OMs wife.
My W will not tell me the other OMs last name.
(Says she forgot, says they only had sex one time,) (lies)
Should I insist on the OMs last name?
Should I try to tell his wife?

Absolutely! Not telling the man's wife makes it much more likely she can contact him again.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 07/01/14 09:41 PM
Well she told me the guys last name, I tried to find him online, but no luck.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 07/02/14 02:46 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Well she told me the guys last name, I tried to find him online, but no luck.
How did you search? Facebook, Spokeo?
Posted By: mrs_cen Re: Question - 07/02/14 10:42 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Well she told me the guys last name, I tried to find him online, but no luck.

She told you his last name, but can you be certain that she's telling you the truth? Is it possible she made it up? How did she suddenly "remember" his last name?
Have you considered asking her to take a polygraph? Perhaps that will help to eliminate or eliviate somebody your fears and concerns.
Posted By: garak77 Made A Mistake - 07/28/14 01:53 AM
Hello,
I have posted here a couple times before.
My wife had an affair, and I found out in early May 2014.
She seems to be doing all the right things on her end, though I think she could do a little better job if trying to feel my pain and understand the way I feel. I feel that she just wants me never to mention it again, and at times when I mention it, she goes into my mistakes in the past. (Though I never touched another woman while I was married)
(Though she often does not bring up my mistakes when I mention her affair, and she just says she is deeply sorry)
Anyway, my mistake was that I searched for a couple female friends in my past on Facebook, but I made no attempt to contact them, or friend them.
She found out and was very very upset.
I am sorry, I know this was a mistake, but I get these images of her with other men in my mind and I hurt over it.
I'll post more later. Thank you
Posted By: Ariel Re: Made A Mistake - 07/28/14 07:45 AM
Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Made A Mistake - 07/28/14 01:28 PM
Sorry. Thanks!
Posted By: Gamma Re: Made A Mistake - 07/28/14 02:31 PM
GM,

Years ago reading this poster MrsZonie really helped me.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=149631&Number=2035577#Post2035577

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Question - 07/28/14 02:36 PM
I strongly agree.... Poly.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 07/29/14 07:11 AM
"Tonight I came home early from work, partly because I still feel uneasy when I am at work. (I work overnights) I found the house just the way it is supposed to be. (My 4 year old asleep wife about to fall asleep. "

This is one of the biggest problems in your marriage. Working overnights has been a disaster in your marriage. Do you not see this?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 07/29/14 12:57 PM
I do see it. I have tried to get off overnights, and another job would likely mean a big pay cut. I'm trying to find a day job with equal pay though.
I will say, since d day, I have been spending a lot more time with my family though.
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Question - 07/29/14 01:04 PM
You are thinking that you can't afford the pay cut, but the reality is that keeping the night job will cost you more.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 07/29/14 01:56 PM
Thanks Melody and Eureka. I'm working on it.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 07/29/14 02:00 PM
How can I tell if she really owns what she did?
I mean at times she still brings up what I did, and it seems she is using it as an excuse.
Other times she is saying sorry over and over and not even mentioning what I did.
I also need to get to the point where I don't mention it or rarely mention it.
I will say, all text messages,me mails and phone calls seem a ok.
I mean she is not even talking to other men as far as I can tell.
I have access to all of that stuff.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 07/29/14 02:08 PM
You need to start working this program if you want to this work out. Get off the night shift, stop talking about her affairs and diligently follow the program in Survivng an Affair. Dont' ask her to "own it," but change your marriage so this can't happen again.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 07/29/14 02:59 PM
I realize that I contributed to and at times outright caused the conditions that led to her affair.
Are you saying that I don't need to ever mention her affair to her again?
I know I need to get off the night shift, and I am looking for another job.
I am also doing my best to spend as much time with my family as possible.
Still I need my wife to understand the anguish her actions has caused me.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:06 PM
I'd like to add another twist.
My mom is very imposing. She was always asking a lot of questions during my marriage. My mom does not approve of many of the aspects of my marriage.
For example, my son sleeps I the same bed as my wife and always has.
(He is now 4) my mom always disapproved of this, and frankly, so have I.
I have asked my wife to fix this for years, and she has not.
(She is used to this kind of thing being from Brazil.
My mom took care of my son for a few hours while my W and I went to MC.
My mom questioned my 4 year old and came to the conclusion that my W was abusing him. (I think it is the way my mom asked questions and my 4 year old gets things in his imagination)
My mom called the police and defax came out and found nothing wrong.
I am positive my son was not abused.
I have not spoken to my mom in weeks, and my wife hates her. My son is not allowed to see her.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:06 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Another question,
2 of the OM are married. We already told the most recent OMs wife.
My W will not tell me the other OMs last name.
(Says she forgot, says they only had sex one time,) (lies)
Should I insist on the OMs last name?
Should I try to tell his wife?

Sir, you dont seem to be moving along as needed.
Your first step is to expose her affairs far and wide.
You should post all 3 men on www.cheaterville.com and expose to their families and married friends.

Your wife will not understand your pain because at this point she DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! 3 other men? If she cared about you she would not be having multiple affairs.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:08 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I'd like to add another twist.
My mom is very imposing. She was always asking a lot of questions during my marriage. My mom does not approve of many of the aspects of my marriage.
For example, my son sleeps I the same bed as my wife and always has.
(He is now 4) my mom always disapproved of this, and frankly, so have I.
I have asked my wife to fix this for years, and she has not.
(She is used to this kind of thing being from Brazil.
My mom took care of my son for a few hours while my W and I went to MC.
My mom questioned my 4 year old and came to the conclusion that my W was abusing him. (I think it is the way my mom asked questions and my 4 year old gets things in his imagination)
My mom called the police and defax came out and found nothing wrong.

I am positive my son was not abused.
I have not spoken to my mom in weeks, and my wife hates her. My son is not allowed to see her.

Sir, your wife took your son to a motel so she could have sex with another man.
I suggest you carefully consider your mothers intuition.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:09 PM
Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:09 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Are you saying that I don't need to ever mention her affair to her again?

Exactly! Stop bringing it up. Once you have all the facts about her affairs it should never be brought up again. Did you read Surviving an Affair?

Quote
I know I need to get off the night shift, and I am looking for another job.

Great!

Quote
I am also doing my best to spend as much time with my family as possible.

It is critically important that you spend time with your WIFE. Out on dates for at least 15 hours per week. This is the policy of undivided attention. This is necessary to create romantic love in your marriage.

Quote
Still I need my wife to understand the anguish her actions has caused me.

No you don't. You need to leave your anguish in the past and focus on creating happiness in the present. Understanding your anguish will not save your marriage. Affair proofing your marriage and transforming your marriage into a romantic relationship will save your marriage.
Posted By: txstunnedman Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:12 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I'd like to add another twist.
My mom is very imposing. She was always asking a lot of questions during my marriage. My mom does not approve of many of the aspects of my marriage.
For example, my son sleeps I the same bed as my wife and always has.
(He is now 4) my mom always disapproved of this, and frankly, so have I.
I have asked my wife to fix this for years, and she has not.
(She is used to this kind of thing being from Brazil.
My mom took care of my son for a few hours while my W and I went to MC.
My mom questioned my 4 year old and came to the conclusion that my W was abusing him. (I think it is the way my mom asked questions and my 4 year old gets things in his imagination)
My mom called the police and defax came out and found nothing wrong.

I am positive my son was not abused.
I have not spoken to my mom in weeks, and my wife hates her. My son is not allowed to see her.

Sir, your wife took your son to a motel so she could have sex with another man.
I suggest you carefully consider your mothers intuition.

I don't know about this but what you need to do is get a polygraph test and get all the truth about the A and any potential abuse of your child. If she passes then you need to set your mother straight and advise her she is not to interfere in your marriage or the raising of your child. This is a HUGE LB for your your WW.

Your marriage should be between you and your wife and once you have all the facts from the poly then you should never bring up the A again.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:12 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I realize that I contributed to and at times outright caused the conditions that led to her affair.
Are you saying that I don't need to ever mention her affair to her again?
I know I need to get off the night shift, and I am looking for another job.
I am also doing my best to spend as much time with my family as possible.
Still I need my wife to understand the anguish her actions has caused me.


If by 'owning it' you mean 'fixing it' that means living an integrated life, spending your nights together and not talking about the A. Owning it means making a romantic, affair proof marriage.

Of course she should take measures to make that happen, but from your description, you're not owning it. Recovery from an affair can only take place in very strict conditions. With your marriage in its most vulnerable state possible - you are not there. Disaster. You working overnight WILL lead to divorce. I do not mean it might do, I do not mean it is 'a bit risky' - I'm talking GUARANTEED divorce.

So financially, a pay cut will probably be less than the cost of a divorce lawyer and supporting two homes. Then there's the emotional cost of a divorce.

If you were guaranteed to get divorced with this job (and you are) - what would you do?


Your wife understanding your anguish - is unlikely. We do, having been through it, - it doesn't make us good marriage material for you! As to understanding - no one else will who hasn't been through it and it isn't necessary for recovery anyway.

Focus on being in love, and on protection of that love - not sharing pain.



Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:15 PM
Creating happiness in the present will alleviate your anguish. Talking about the tragedies of the past will cause more anguish and sadness.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:25 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I'd like to add another twist.
My mom is very imposing. She was always asking a lot of questions during my marriage. My mom does not approve of many of the aspects of my marriage.
For example, my son sleeps I the same bed as my wife and always has.
(He is now 4) my mom always disapproved of this, and frankly, so have I.
I have asked my wife to fix this for years, and she has not.
(She is used to this kind of thing being from Brazil.
My mom took care of my son for a few hours while my W and I went to MC.
My mom questioned my 4 year old and came to the conclusion that my W was abusing him. (I think it is the way my mom asked questions and my 4 year old gets things in his imagination)
My mom called the police and defax came out and found nothing wrong.
I am positive my son was not abused.
I have not spoken to my mom in weeks, and my wife hates her. My son is not allowed to see her.

Oh boy, I would hate to be your mom. She shouldn't have done that but I can imagine she thinks very poorly of your wife. Did your mother have valid reasons to think your son was being abused? Did she speak to you about it before she called authorities?

But the most glaring problem I see here is that you work the night shift. YOU should be sleeping with your wife and spending the nights and evenings together. Your lifestyle has enabled your wife to carry on her affairs.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 07/29/14 03:34 PM
Under PoJA, your son wouldn't sleep with you unless you BOTH enthusiastically agree. Since you don't you would need to change that. If you follow this program, and PoJA, it will resolve all problems and niggles like that. Additionally to PoJA Dr H places great emphasis on couples spending the night together alone.

You mother shouldn't be interfering in your marriage or child rearing and while she understandably thinks little of your wife - it's not her business. If you yourself have any concerns you should insist on a poly or question your son but it sounds like you don't.

Unless your mother has any kind of valid reason for her suspicions or line of questioning (I mean children in the bed is pretty common and not related to abuse at all) then I'd ignore it.





Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 07/29/14 04:00 PM
indiegirl, gmsisko1 works overnight so I don't think he is sleeping with the child.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 07/29/14 05:09 PM
Ah I see. Even though he doesn't PoJA the son sleeping with his mother alone either, it's unlikely she's happy sleeping alone. The PoJA solution is the same as the common sense solution and is simple, this couple should be sleeping together alone.

This reminds me of stories of when my grandfather worked shifts my gran would have the children - plural! - in bed with her. Curiously this habit also predates an affair on her part in their marriage, though they recovered. In some communities it's seen as being motherly but I think really it's a lonely or withdrawn woman who feels she is more mother than wife.

Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 07/29/14 06:37 PM
My wife has slept in the same bed with my son since his birth. This was long before the first affair, and it is also long before I started working overnights.
I am at home 2 nights a week, so my wife starts out in the bed with my con then comes to be with me in our bed.
This can last between 1 and 3 hours on those nights until. Until wakes up and cries, at which point she goes back to him.

My W tells me she feels better in the same bed as my son when I am working.
I suppose I need to get off nights before we can make some real changes, however I have expressed multiple times to her that I wish she would not sleep in the same bed as my son.
She takes no real effort to fix this. (It would be very hard for the first few nights.)
How do I get her to change this?
Should I insist she change this before I get to working days?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 07/29/14 06:46 PM
I would get a day job and then use respectful persuasion to persuade her to sleep with you again. Make it a pleasant experience when she does come.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 07/30/14 10:52 AM
I agree. Make it happen but make it a respectful appealing request.

Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/01/14 12:13 AM
This is a tough question. We are about 6 weeks after d day. I still get triggers, I still get very very angry. (Mind movies of my wife being intimate with others seem to all but kill me)
I ask a question like, "why didn't you stop after being with the first man! why didn't you stop after the first time" she tells me that she did stop! which made me very angry! because she was with 2 other men, and one of them she was with for 1.5 years. Yes,she broke up with the latest one several times, but she kept going back. So no she never stopped until she got caught.

Granted, she had a lot of bitterness. (That's part of the problem, she can't let go of her bitterness) ..... I was into pornography for years, but is never touched another woman after being married.i stopped after my W caught me. (Honest to God I stopped) I know I hurt my wife greatly with that, but when it comes to hurting each other, I strongly believe she took the cake.

So anyway, she told me that she stopped, and I had a very angry outburst. I forget what else was said during the fight, maybe more will come to me, but she said she is going to divorce me. (She says that fairly often when she gets angry)

At times I feel she is remorseful, but there are times when I do not feel she is remorseful.

Part of me wants to give up on this, but I love my wife and I love my son.
I need to know without a double that my W is remorseful.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/01/14 12:41 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
This is a tough question. We are about 6 weeks after d day. I still get triggers, I still get very very angry. (Mind movies of my wife being intimate with others seem to all but kill me)
I ask a question like, "why didn't you stop after being with the first man! why didn't you stop after the first time" she tells me that she did stop! which made me very angry! because she was with 2 other men, and one of them she was with for 1.5 years. Yes,she broke up with the latest one several times, but she kept going back. So no she never stopped until she got caught.

Granted, she had a lot of bitterness. (That's part of the problem, she can't let go of her bitterness) ..... I was into pornography for years, but is never touched another woman after being married.i stopped after my W caught me. (Honest to God I stopped) I know I hurt my wife greatly with that, but when it comes to hurting each other, I strongly believe she took the cake.

So anyway, she told me that she stopped, and I had a very angry outburst. I forget what else was said during the fight, maybe more will come to me, but she said she is going to divorce me. (She says that fairly often when she gets angry)

At times I feel she is remorseful, but there are times when I do not feel she is remorseful.

Part of me wants to give up on this, but I love my wife and I love my son.
I need to know without a double that my W is remorseful.


Sir,
Every time you discuss her affairs you cause massive love bank withdrawls.
Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Were the affairs exposed?
Has she written No Contact Letters to the affair partners?
Posted By: Prisca Re: Question - 08/01/14 01:09 AM
Quote
So anyway, she told me that she stopped, and I had a very angry outburst.
None of your problems can be solved as long as you have Angry Outbursts. This is now your number one problem.

I can't blame your wife for contemplating divorce after you doing that to her. I came close to divorcing my own husband over similar behavior. Her affair does not justify your abuse.

Can you commit to never having another one again?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/01/14 01:44 AM
I can try my hardest to never have an angry outburst.

I asked her why she didn't stop on her own after her first sex session.
(Before meeting the long term OM)

She has stopped, she has not contacted any of the OM.

How should I handle my anger? How should I handle my hurt.

Today, we were cooking and I was helping her mix the batter. I did a bad job if it. (Not on purpose)
She belittled me for it. (I have had behavior from her like that for years)
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Question - 08/01/14 02:18 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
At times I feel she is remorseful, but there are times when I do not feel she is remorseful.

Part of me wants to give up on this, but I love my wife and I love my son.
I need to know without a double that my W is remorseful.
Remorse is not a prerequisite for recovery. Restoring romantic love is. Demanding remorse is a love buster. Don't you see how this is counterproductive?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/01/14 02:29 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
How should I handle my anger?
Here you go.
Anger Management 101
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/01/14 02:54 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I can try my hardest to never have an angry outburst.

I asked her why she didn't stop on her own after her first sex session.
(Before meeting the long term OM)

She has stopped, she has not contacted any of the OM.

How should I handle my anger? How should I handle my hurt.

Today, we were cooking and I was helping her mix the batter. I did a bad job if it. (Not on purpose)
She belittled me for it. (I have had behavior from her like that for years)


Were the affairs exposed?
Isn't the last affair just a few weeks ago?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/01/14 05:31 AM
The last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. The last affair was exposed to the Other mans wife.

The other affairs are long over.
Thanks everyone for all your help.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/01/14 11:40 AM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
How should I handle my anger?
Here you go.
Anger Management 101
Did you listen to the clips in here?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/01/14 02:36 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
The last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. The last affair was exposed to the Other mans wife.

The other affairs are long over.
Thanks everyone for all your help.

You should expose this affair to all family and friends, clergy and same on the OM side.
How did you expose to the OM wife? Did you personally speak with her?

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book is a manual for surviving an affair and you need to be very familiar with the plan in there as the steps must be followed without deviation.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/01/14 10:26 PM
I myself spoke to the most recent OM's W.

Is it a good idea to expose to the first mans wife even though no contact has been made for almost 2 years?

Should I avoid mentioning the affair to my W even though I am hurting a great deal?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/01/14 10:34 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I myself spoke to the most recent OM's W.

Is it a good idea to expose to the first mans wife even though no contact has been made for almost 2 years?

Should I avoid mentioning the affair to my W even though I am hurting a great deal?

Yes, you should expose the affair to the first mans wife. She has a right to know that her husband is unfaithful and you have a moral obligation to inform her (otherwise she is at risk of AIDS etc from a cheating husband)

Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/01/14 10:35 PM
You have not answered the question I keep asking: Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/02/14 02:21 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
You have not answered the question I keep asking: Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley?


Oh I am sorry. I have started to read it.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/02/14 02:22 AM
That book needs to be your guidebook through this.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/02/14 02:23 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
The last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. The last affair was exposed to the Other mans wife.

The other affairs are long over.
Thanks everyone for all your help.

You should expose this affair to all family and friends, clergy and same on the OM side.
How did you expose to the OM wife? Did you personally speak with her?

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book is a manual for surviving an affair and you need to be very familiar with the plan in there as the steps must be followed without deviation.

As for your exposure, have you exposed to family and friends or only the OM wife?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/02/14 02:24 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I myself spoke to the most recent OM's W.

Is it a good idea to expose to the first mans wife even though no contact has been made for almost 2 years?

Should I avoid mentioning the affair to my W even though I am hurting a great deal?

Yes, you should expose the affair to the first mans wife. She has a right to know that her husband is unfaithful and you have a moral obligation to inform her (otherwise she is at risk of AIDS etc from a cheating husband)


I see what you are saying. My wife is afraid he might become violent, or seek some type of revenge.

And sorry about not answering your other question. I have started to read surviving an affair.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/02/14 02:28 AM
Sir, exposure is to be done without your wifes knowledge or consent
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/02/14 03:14 AM
I know, but I don't see this the same, because this affair was long over.
Also, The first OM's wife suffers from depression, and she has a drinking problem.
I don't just want to expose this without giving the consequences some thought.
I know the OM is a POS, and if it were legal and moral, I'd like to teach him some manners.
I mean how can anyone sleep with another mans wife?
I have lost so much faith in humanity.

My wife is trying to get my 4 year old to sleep, then she will come spend time with me, and we will soon go to sleep together. In a couple hours my son will wake up and start crying, at which point my W will go sleep with him.
I feel cheated and hurt in this manner, and I have raised this concern with her, and she doesn't seem to give this issue enough effort.

I'm trying to get in the correct frame of mind to spend time with my wife, I think I'm half way there now
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/02/14 03:46 AM
Sir,
2 years ago is not "long over."
And YOU are not this womans god, in a place to determine if it is good for her to know the truth of her husbands affairs.

Quit making excuses and tell the poor lady.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/02/14 11:54 AM
You need to tell the poor BW of OM. She has a right to know the truth about her life and what your WW did to her. She probably knows something is wrong, but doesn't know what.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 08/02/14 12:22 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Also, The first OM's wife suffers from depression, .


Well of course she does!! You remember what it was like before DDay - knowing something was up, but not sure what. Believing every crazy thing the wayward says because you don't know they are wayward. Thinking you are crazy and it is all your fault?

You can give her a magic bullet with the truth. Why are you complying with a conspiracy to keep her ignorant and downtrodden?

Just imagine if she was the one who knew and you did not.


Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 08/02/14 12:23 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I know, but I don't see this the same, because this affair was long over.

Dr H says to expose affairs even if they have been over for 20 years. An affair that has been dead some time is WORSE because it is the affair + 2years or 20years of lies and distrust.

You and I both know that you just don't want to rock your own boat but you couldn't be more wrong. If your wife still has victims who remain in suffering she will never move into recovery with you.

Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/02/14 06:56 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
The last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. The last affair was exposed to the Other mans wife.

The other affairs are long over.
Thanks everyone for all your help.

You should expose this affair to all family and friends, clergy and same on the OM side.
How did you expose to the OM wife? Did you personally speak with her?

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book is a manual for surviving an affair and you need to be very familiar with the plan in there as the steps must be followed without deviation.

As for your exposure, have you exposed to family and friends or only the OM wife?

I only exposed to the OM's W not the family.
I'm not sure I could expose more of the OM, because I don't know the info, and my wife no longer has him on FB.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/02/14 06:59 PM
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Also, The first OM's wife suffers from depression, .


Well of course she does!! You remember what it was like before DDay - knowing something was up, but not sure what. Believing every crazy thing the wayward says because you don't know they are wayward. Thinking you are crazy and it is all your fault?

You can give her a magic bullet with the truth. Why are you complying with a conspiracy to keep her ignorant and downtrodden?

You are correct. I will expose on my next day off. Thank you

Just imagine if she was the one who knew and you did not.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/02/14 08:23 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
The last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. The last affair was exposed to the Other mans wife.

The other affairs are long over.
Thanks everyone for all your help.

You should expose this affair to all family and friends, clergy and same on the OM side.
How did you expose to the OM wife? Did you personally speak with her?

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book is a manual for surviving an affair and you need to be very familiar with the plan in there as the steps must be followed without deviation.

As for your exposure, have you exposed to family and friends or only the OM wife?

I only exposed to the OM's W not the family.
I'm not sure I could expose more of the OM, because I don't know the info, and my wife no longer has him on FB.
You know his name, correct?

Why can't you look up his name on Facebook yourself or a spokeo check?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/05/14 04:44 PM
Well I can be sure OM's W exposed to the bitter end. I know her sister knows.
My wife told her own mother and sister and brother on her own.
(My W told her own family herself)
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/05/14 04:45 PM
Question,
How do you subscribe to a thread here?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 08/05/14 07:08 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Well I can be sure OM's W exposed to the bitter end. I know her sister knows.
My wife told her own mother and sister and brother on her own.
(My W told her own family herself)


That's not exposure. Exposure comes from the BS and involves asking for help and support.

Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Question,
How do you subscribe to a thread here?


What do you mean?

Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/05/14 07:15 PM

Thank you for your answers. I don't want or need support from OM's family, I never want to hear their name again.
Getting support from my family just can't happen now because of my mom calling defax.
I do have some friends that I rely on though.
I think my W is doing the right things aside from her anger issues.

As for your other question, you should be able to subscribe to a thread on MB,
(That allows you to find it easily) I am not able to figure out how to subscribe though.)
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/05/14 07:29 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Question,
How do you subscribe to a thread here?

Okay, the system does not call them threads; it calls them Topics.
Click on the thread you want to subscribe to.
On the upper left corner, click "Topic Options"
Click add Topic to Watch list.

To find the thread after logging in, click "My Stuff" on top of forum screen.
Click "Watch List"
Select Watched Topics and you will see the thread you subscribed to.

Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/05/14 08:13 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Thank you for your answers. I don't want or need support from OM's family, I never want to hear their name again.
Getting support from my family just can't happen now because of my mom calling defax.
I do have some friends that I rely on though.
I think my W is doing the right things aside from her anger issues.

As for your other question, you should be able to subscribe to a thread on MB,
(That allows you to find it easily) I am not able to figure out how to subscribe though.)
Exposure to OM's side isn't about support for you. It's about his family putting pressure on him to end the affair and possibly help keep him keep NC with your WW and hold OM accountable.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/05/14 09:13 PM
Thank you,
I tried the watch topic thing, then it doesn't appear under subscribed topics.
(Wierd, maybe it's because I'm using an iPad.)

I am 99% sure there is no contact between wife and OM.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 08/05/14 10:44 PM
See you're trying to second guess exposure and you can't do that because you can't predict the future. There are many varied results of exposure and you can't afford to skip any of those varied benefits.

It tells your wife you won't cover up her affairs. Any affairs she has will be public property. <----------very important message!!!!

It gives people the chance to protect themselves from the wrong doers. One OM was found out to be abusing a 15 yo girl.

It allows supportive people to help keep the affair partners apart. You need that. Your eyes cannot be everywhere.

It allows you to see who is unsupportive - so you can exclude them. No you can't guess ahead of time who that's going to be - you're going to be shocked.

Your wife needs to face her shame over this. You covering it up doesn't achieve that.

Let's remember who the psychologist is here - Dr H and he has never seen a successful recovery without exposure.

Posted By: Tom2010 Re: Question - 08/06/14 02:28 AM
gm,

"Well I can be sure OM's W exposed to the bitter end. I know her sister knows.
My wife told her own mother and sister and brother on her own.
(My W told her own family herself)"

How can you be sure what she did?? And, allowing your ww to do your job of exposure is pitiful. You're dancing around direct questions regarding no complete exposure on your part like a mouse of a husband! Maybe you should rethink if you want your marriage AND read Surviving an Affair instead of just glancing at it!

Tom
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/06/14 11:29 PM
Well,
My wife is from Brazil, her family is in Brazil and they do not speak English, so I could not expose to them.
On D day, I had a MC / therapist that perhaps did not hive me the best advice.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/07/14 12:20 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Well,
My wife is from Brazil, her family is in Brazil and they do not speak English, so I could not expose to them.
On D day, I had a MC / therapist that perhaps did not hive me the best advice.

Sir, you make a lot of excuses for why you cant expose to OM family or even your own.
If I needed to send a message to someone that spoke Portugese, I could do it within 24 hours. In this modern age, there is no valid reason why the language barrier would prevent your exposure.
Posted By: Darkguy Re: Question - 08/07/14 12:29 AM
Google translate and use copy paste in an email. My MIL speaks spanish and I exposed. Jedi is right you skipping steps and a text message doesn't mean the affair is over.
Posted By: nmwb77 Re: Question - 08/07/14 12:45 AM
Google translate isn't going to cut it. Spend a few bucks and get a human to translate it.

***EDIT***
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/09/14 11:14 PM
I am open to exposure to wife's family.
However please allow me to be clear.
Before I knew about MB my wife already told them.
Before I was sure about the A, my wife's sister talked to me on Skype and was crying. She eluded to her affair but would not come out and tell me.
(This was hard for me because her English is very broker, it's hard to understand each other. .... And it was obviously a tough subject for me)

So my question is, should I expose even though they already know?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/10/14 02:51 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I am open to exposure to wife's family.
However please allow me to be clear.
Before I knew about MB my wife already told them.
Before I was sure about the A, my wife's sister talked to me on Skype and was crying. She eluded to her affair but would not come out and tell me.
(This was hard for me because her English is very broker, it's hard to understand each other. .... And it was obviously a tough subject for me)

So my question is, should I expose even though they already know?

You cannot assume that they know the FACTS.
They may know something; it doesnt mean they know the FACTS!
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Question - 08/10/14 12:10 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I am open to exposure to wife's family.
However please allow me to be clear.
Before I knew about MB my wife already told them.
Before I was sure about the A, my wife's sister talked to me on Skype and was crying. She eluded to her affair but would not come out and tell me.
(This was hard for me because her English is very broker, it's hard to understand each other. .... And it was obviously a tough subject for me)

So my question is, should I expose even though they already know?


Exposure is a request for help in saving the marriage and showing everyone how loving you are. How can they know that if you haven't told them?

Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/19/14 08:01 AM
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/19/14 12:28 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!


Sir, you have been advised to get a polygraph like most posters are advised to do.
But you have chosen not to.

Do not confront the OM with a gun. You will only get yourself in trouble with the law.
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Question - 08/19/14 12:30 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!
I hope you are just kidding about being armed, because fighting an affair requires control and discipline. Running around armed in a compromised mental state is just the opposite. Use your brain and put the weapon away.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/19/14 12:30 PM
I doubt your wife's story is true.
He's probably parked around the corner so the neighbor's wont be suspicious.

Did you post OM on www.cheaterville.com?
Was this fully exposed to all family and friends?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/19/14 01:19 PM
Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!
I hope you are just kidding about being armed, because fighting an affair requires control and discipline. Running around armed in a compromised mental state is just the opposite. Use your brain and put the weapon away.

Don't worry,
The weapon is in the safe where it will stay. Thank you. You are correct.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/19/14 01:28 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I doubt your wife's story is true.
He's probably parked around the corner so the neighbor's wont be suspicious.

Did you post OM on www.cheaterville.com?
Was this fully exposed to all family and friends?

I'm not sure if he was fully exposed or not. I know nothing but his name and cell phone number.
He is not on cheaterville. I do not have his picture.
I don't know if I am mentally equipped to deal with this.
What do I do if my wife refuses to take the Polly?
She says she wants me to take a Polly to be sure I'm not talking to my mother.
(The fact that my mother called defax comes into play)
..... I her saying that is just a form of minupliatuin.

Is it possible that OM came over and wanted to talk but she didn't let him in?
Should I continue to try to plan a my wife?
Should implant a var?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/19/14 01:36 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I doubt your wife's story is true.
He's probably parked around the corner so the neighbor's wont be suspicious.

Did you post OM on www.cheaterville.com?
Was this fully exposed to all family and friends?

I'm not sure if he was fully exposed or not. I know nothing but his name and cell phone number.

He is not on cheaterville. I do not have his picture.
I don't know if I am mentally equipped to deal with this.
What do I do if my wife refuses to take the Polly?
She says she wants me to take a Polly to be sure I'm not talking to my mother.
(The fact that my mother called defax comes into play)
..... I her saying that is just a form of minupliatuin.

Is it possible that OM came over and wanted to talk but she didn't let him in?
Should I continue to try to plan a my wife?
Should implant a var?


Sir, that is why posters have been telling you to expose the OM to his family and friends. Place his picture on www.cheaterville.com and spread the word wide and far.

Is it possible he just stopped by to have coffee with your wife and discuss the flowers and weather? Yes, it's possible.

It's much more likely that he came by to do some other things with your wife though.

As for you taking a polygraph because your wife demands it....that is a joke. If you don't believe me, just go to a local donut shop where retirees are and tell 10 men in there that your wife is having an affair, you saw his car parked around the corner of your house...and she said she didnt let him through the "back door" (I assume he avoided the front door so the neighbors wouldnt see them and tell you).

Then ask these 10 strangers if : (1) she should take a polygraph or (2) you should take one because she thinks you are talking to your mom.

I guarantee you that anyone looking at this situation would tell you that she is gaslighting you.

In fact, that should be your task today: watch the movie Gaslight
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/19/14 01:40 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
"Tonight I came home early from work, partly because I still feel uneasy when I am at work. (I work overnights) I found the house just the way it is supposed to be. (My 4 year old asleep wife about to fall asleep. "

This is one of the biggest problems in your marriage. Working overnights has been a disaster in your marriage. Do you not see this?

Sir, you've been told you cant work nights. That's why he's coming to your house...because you are gone
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/19/14 01:42 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I would post all of the OM on www.cheaterville.com ;
be honest and tell your story.

2 months ago, you were advised to post OM on Cheaterville.
The same week you were advised to have your wife take a poly.

It seems that the same advice is given over and over.
I suggest you start reading your thread from the beginning and follow the steps in there.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/19/14 07:17 PM
Should I continue plan a? Should I plant a var?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/19/14 10:34 PM
I am trying to find a day job that pays the bills. I only have HS education, so it would be hard to replace my income quickly with a new job.

Any suggestions on a good model number for a VAR?
I checked best buy, but none of the ones I saw said they were voice activated.

Question about cheaterville.........
If I put him up can he have it taken down?
I am a little afraid that he might try to have me locked up like what happened to one guy on MB.
Please don't get mad at me, I'm trying my best o make the right decisions.
The house was dark when I busted in, (came in real fast)
Wife was fully and I mean fully dressed.
I was only gone 40 minutes.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: Her Affair - 08/19/14 10:56 PM
That one guy you referred to, WifeDivorcing, had a spine of steel and completely due to doing ALL if the exposures recommended, he buste his wife out of her fog and they are in reconciliation mode.

He just posted an update last Thursday, 8-14-2014 if you want to read how he and his wife are currently doing..... Because he did what needed to be done and dang the potential consequences!!!

LTL
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Her Affair - 08/19/14 11:12 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I am trying to find a day job that pays the bills. I only have HS education, so it would be hard to replace my income quickly with a new job.

Any suggestions on a good model number for a VAR?
I checked best buy, but none of the ones I saw said they were voice activated.

Question about cheaterville.........
If I put him up can he have it taken down?
I am a little afraid that he might try to have me locked up like what happened to one guy on MB.
Please don't get mad at me, I'm trying my best o make the right decisions.
The house was dark when I busted in, (came in real fast)
Wife was fully and I mean fully dressed.
I was only gone 40 minutes.

That guy recovered his marriage because he followed all our advice and fought for his marriage. People who don't take the advice don't make it. You should be more afraid of losing your marriage because that is the real threat.

Half measures will avail you nothing. If you want to be afraid, that is cute and nice, but just accept that you have lost to the OM if you allow fear to drive the ship.

The OM is not afraid. Heck, he will come right into your house and do your wife!!

Quote
I'm trying my best o make the right decisions.

How would you know what the right decision is since you don't know how to save a marriage?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/19/14 11:21 PM
So should I put my W on cheaterville?
If I put up OM I should put her up too right?
I found out where OM works, he works about an hour away.
I found out from his wife that he is staying in a hotel about an hour away from my house. (Though I do not know the name of the hotel at this time)

I feel I can't talk to my mom because she would only make things worse.

I did enlist a couple friends to start driving by while I'm at work. (To look for his car)

I did look for his facebook account, and I can't find it.

So any suggestions on a var model number exc?
Posted By: NebDane Re: Her Affair - 08/19/14 11:58 PM
Many VAR fit the bill, BestBuy, Radio Shack, heck even WalMart has them. Mine cost $56 (5 years ago) i think. I got the smallest one with the most storage.

I wouldn't put your wife on Cheaterville, that might be a LB. I did that to my exWW and looking back it was an act of vengence by me.
But the OMW putting her on Cheaterville seems like something she would want to do. wink

Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 12:26 AM
Yeah, I thought about possible retaliation in that aspect. (Other Mans W posting my W on cheaterville)

Lord, I love my wife to no end. I hope she is not reading this (don't want to give her heads up as to my bag of tricks)

I will tell you I sent a text to OM from my W cell. It said to stay away from my W. I threatened to give his work place heads up on his crappy ethics.

As for the VAR, I looked at best buy and Wal mart and none of the packaging claimed to be voice activated.

I need one that promises to be voice activated right?
Does Dr. Harley recommend a VAR?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 01:07 AM
Put the OM on cheaterville like you were advised. Expose to his wife, family and friends. AND GET ANOTHER JOB!!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 01:07 AM
And get a VAR!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 01:25 AM
Have you read this? VAR
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 04:14 PM
Var done.
Does anyone know how easy it would be to get a restraining order on OM?
The house is only in my name.
You would think as the owner and bill payer I have the right to say who comes over and who doesn't.

Any Insight into this would be great.
Well I have my plan in motion.
Thanks.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 05:49 PM
Another question.
My W refuses to take the Polly. In fact she gets angry.
She tells me that she is telling the truth, and she is afraid if she takes the poly she would tell the truth and still possibly fail.

I do know a Polly can't be used in court.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 05:53 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Another question.
My W refuses to take the Polly. In fact she gets angry.
She tells me that she is telling the truth, and she is afraid if she takes the poly she would tell the truth and still possibly fail.

I do know a Polly can't be used in court.

Sir, this doesn't surprise me one bit.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/20/14 05:55 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Var done.
Does anyone know how easy it would be to get a restraining order on OM?
The house is only in my name.
You would think as the owner and bill payer I have the right to say who comes over and who doesn't.

Any Insight into this would be great.
Well I have my plan in motion.
Thanks.

No court will issue an order that OM cant come over and receive oral sex from your wife during the day. The judge will say she is a grown woman.

You can call the police about a restraining order but if he hasnt threatened you there is little that can be done.
Besides, your wife will just let him sneak through the back door anyways
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 01:03 AM
Well he did beat my wife months ago. (Yes, beat with bruises and all)
He Threw her up against the tv stand.
She actually broke up with him over this. (Then she got back with him)

I know the court won't order against him, her point is, (if courts won't allow Polly results as evidence, she won't deem them as reliable, so she doesn't trust it.
(In her mind) ..... I know it is hog wash.

My wife is wierd. Another example....... Before my son was born my mom bought him a crib, but it had the old style lift gate.
Well a small number of babies died as a result of it.
(I think 2 babies died out of millions who used them.
Well she would never put him in that crib because she insisted it wasn't safe.
Another example...... I got some ballons that said "it's a boy" I put them on the mail box. She insisted that I take them down because people will know we have a baby and he might be kidnapped.
My son is 4 and she still sleeps with him in the bed. Even when I am home at night. I hate this, I asked her to stop, but she continues.
(They do things differently in Brazil)

Anyway as I said she is wierd. She is beautiful and I lover her.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 02:38 AM
Sir, we arent talking about balloons or cribs.
We are here because a couple days ago, your wifes affair partner was at your home...and your wife now refuses to take a polygraph exam.

She has a history of cheating and will continue to do so unless she agrees to end her affair and never see or communicate with the affair partner again.

This will require you to move out of state and follow the recovery program in Surviving an Affair.

You never have answered if OM was posted on Cheaterville. That alone often damages the affair.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 01:47 PM
OM is not on cheaterville as of now. My uncle is a federal judge. I will ask him about any possible legal reprocussions of doing so.

I will tell you, my wife tried to have a restraining order filed against OM, but the sherifs dept said he would have needed to assault her twice.
(He assaulted her once)

I will say a few weeks ago my wife heard a noise at night and thought OM was here, so she grabbed the gun and pulled the slide. We don't think anyone was here though.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 01:49 PM
Question,

What do I do if she refuses to take the Polly?
She uses the excuse I spoke about, and also the uses the cost factor.
(She has a valid point on the cost) ..... But to me is she takes it and passes, it's worth every dime.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 01:54 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
OM is not on cheaterville as of now. My uncle is a federal judge. I will ask him about any possible legal reprocussions of doing so.

I view this is an excuse and yet another delaying tactic. You well know you have free speech rights in the United States. This is not secret knowledge. Our newspapers publish this type of information every day across the nation.

Quote
I will tell you, my wife tried to have a restraining order filed against OM, but the sherifs dept said he would have needed to assault her twice.
(He assaulted her once)

I don't believe this. I would go to the police station with her and file the RO.

And more importantly, find a new job!!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 01:56 PM
AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

You don't need to consult a JUDGE to know your rights in the US. You need to consult the US Constitution.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 01:56 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
OM is not on cheaterville as of now. My uncle is a federal judge. I will ask him about any possible legal reprocussions of doing so.

I will tell you, my wife tried to have a restraining order filed against OM, but the sherifs dept said he would have needed to assault her twice.
(He assaulted her once)

I will say a few weeks ago my wife heard a noise at night and thought OM was here, so she grabbed the gun and pulled the slide. We don't think anyone was here though.


Sir, I see little hope for you.
You refuse to expose because you are afraid to.

Your wife has had multiple affairs and you are naive enough to believe that she is being faithful, even though you return hom early from work and his car is parked around the corner and she tells you "I just spoke to him through the back door."

You refuse to acknowledge reality and refuse to face it.

Your wife refuses a polygraph and you start to excuse her behavior by talking about a crib she didnt like.

I can tell you what Dr. Harley says about exposure: Expose it far and wide. Post that low life on Cheaterville for the whole world to see him for what he is.

If your fear outweighs your motivation, there is no hope for your marriage. The adultery will continue.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 05:42 PM
Jedi,
I was at the sherifs office with her when she tried to get the restraining order.
She did try.

Any suggestions on how to get her to take a Polly?
Do I start plan B?
Do I say "no Polly no marriage"?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 06:12 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Jedi,
I was at the sherifs office with her when she tried to get the restraining order.
She did try.

Are you stating that your wife was physically abused by the affair partner and you accompanied her to the Sheriff and he refused to do anything unless she is beaten again?

Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 07:03 PM
That is correct, also it happened months before that.
(It happened in dec. 2013 and we went to the sheriffs dept in May of 2014.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 07:50 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Any suggestions on how to get her to take a Polly?
Do I start plan B?
Do I say "no Polly no marriage"?

We keep repeating the same questions and answers over and over.
If you re-read your thread, you will see the answers to your questions.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/21/14 11:32 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Creating happiness in the present will alleviate your anguish. Talking about the tragedies of the past will cause more anguish and sadness.

Very very true. Thank you
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question - 08/21/14 11:37 PM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Creating happiness in the present will alleviate your anguish. Talking about the tragedies of the past will cause more anguish and sadness.

Very very true. Thank you

BUT.... your problems have not been resolved. You have to first resolve the problems before they can become the "past."
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/21/14 11:38 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Any suggestions on how to get her to take a Polly?
Do I start plan B?
Do I say "no Polly no marriage"?

We keep repeating the same questions and answers over and over.
If you re-read your thread, you will see the answers to your questions.

Jedi,
I a. Sorry, I do not see the answer to my Polly question.
Should I tell my W. No Polly no marriage?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 08/22/14 03:02 AM
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Any suggestions on how to get her to take a Polly?
Do I start plan B?
Do I say "no Polly no marriage"?

We keep repeating the same questions and answers over and over.
If you re-read your thread, you will see the answers to your questions.

Jedi,
I a. Sorry, I do not see the answer to my Polly question.
Should I tell my W. No Polly no marriage?

You should be careful that you aren't demanding or threatening.
You may want to phrase it to your wife like "I would feel safer remaining in this marriage if you agreed to take a polygraph and answer these questions."--then hand her a list of 20 or so questions you have.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Her Affair - 08/22/14 03:28 AM
Here are some good questions that other posters have used. Polygraph Testing
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 08/22/14 11:33 AM
Jedi,
I have already tried the nice "i would feel safer in this marriage if you would take the Polly" route. She gives me the same excuses as before.
........ She says she will be truthfull. But she is afraid she will still fail because a polygraph is not perfect.

As I illustrated before, she is wierd.
I already illustrated, she wouldn't use the crib because 2 babies out of millions died with that crib design.
She wouldn't keep it's a boy balloons up because someone might see it and kidnap our baby.
(Not trying to change the subject, just trying to illustrate that I am not dealing with a typical American wife)
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/22/14 11:38 AM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Creating happiness in the present will alleviate your anguish. Talking about the tragedies of the past will cause more anguish and sadness.

Very very true. Thank you

BUT.... your problems have not been resolved. You have to first resolve the problems before they can become the "past."

It is true that my problems have of been resolved IF my wife let OM in the house.
I did not see him in the house, I only saw his car outside.
The house was dark when I came in. (I cam in on a complete surprise)
W states that she did not let him in. If that is true then I would be proud of her.
What we talked about is in motion. Don't want to say too much here incase W reads it.
I am working on finding a day job.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/22/14 11:42 AM
These OM can play this cat and mouse game with you because you protect them from wide exposure.

He is probably going there every night when you are at work.
Have you placed hidden recorders in the house when you are gone?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/22/14 04:44 PM
I have just started placing the vars.
I have also enlisted friends to drive buy ant night and have a looksie.
The great thing about my job is that they give us a lot of time off. (18 sick days in a year)

Also they let us take a partial shift off if they have too much coverage.
(That saves them payroll)

My point is, I have come home unexpectedly multiple times in the last 3 months, and Monday was the only time I saw OMs car.

My W acts like she hates him, and again she said she told him to leave.
(I know she could be gas lighting, so that is what the vars are for.)
Also, I have been watching cell phone records and email and facebook, everything there seems innocent.
I also have web watchers.
I looked high and low for a burner phone, and found nothing.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/22/14 04:48 PM
I just changed my username to make it harder to google search me.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 12:59 PM
Well,
I just listened to a days worth of var.
Nothing but innocent interactions between my W and my son.
That is good, but I am still in a bad mood.
Ingest the mind movies and sounds in my head.
I mean goodness my W had sex with other men.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 07:06 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
Well,
I just listened to a days worth of var.
Nothing but innocent interactions between my W and my son.
That is good, but I am still in a bad mood.
Ingest the mind movies and sounds in my head.
I mean goodness my W had sex with other men.
What other spyware do you have? Did you ever figure out how to jailbreak her phone?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 08:29 PM
Brainhurts,
I have web watchers. She uses an iPod not an iPhone.
I have not jail broken it, me cause she ould be able to tell if it were jail broken.
Web watchers and vars are the only spyware I have.
So far there is no sign of her contacting OM.
Maybe she is being truthfull.
I will say if she says anything about OM, she acts like she hates him.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 08:32 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
Brainhurts,
I have web watchers. She uses an iPod not an iPhone.
I have not jail broken it, me cause she ould be able to tell if it were jail broken.
Web watchers and vars are the only spyware I have.
So far there is no sign of her contacting OM.
Maybe she is being truthfull.
I will say if she says anything about OM, she acts like she hates him.
Has any of your friends been able to drive by yet?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 08:46 PM
I do not believe so, but I have only been gone for one night. (I was off the rest of the nights)
If OM came in, the var would catch it.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 08:53 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
I do not believe so, but I have only been gone for one night. (I was off the rest of the nights)
If OM came in, the var would catch it.
Okay good. Are you avoiding love Busters and making deposits?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 09:11 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by garak77
I do not believe so, but I have only been gone for one night. (I was off the rest of the nights)
If OM came in, the var would catch it.
Okay good. Are you avoiding love Busters and making deposits?

I sure am! It's hard though. (With my mind movies and all)
I guess there is no way she can understand how I feel.
I guess I have to suck it up.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 09:14 PM
Have you read the Sue and Jon story in SAA yet? Did you ever get some ADs?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 09:56 PM
I have read their story. I am on p.208 of the book. (iPad version)
I have not gotten ADs. I am weary of medicine. I don't like the way medicine makes me feel.
I admit I am depressed at times. But I don't think it is anywhere near severe.
Would I need to see a shrink to get ADs?
Should I tell my W if I feel depressed?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 09:58 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
I have read their story. I am on p.208 of the book. (iPad version)
I have not gotten ADs. I am weary of medicine. I don't like the way medicine makes me feel.
I admit I am depressed at times. But I don't think it is anywhere near severe.
Would I need to see a shrink to get ADs?
No, you can get them from your doctor. Dr. Harley strongly recommends them during this time. They don't need to be long term just until you get through this rough time.

Do you exercise?
Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: Question - 08/23/14 10:04 PM
Exercise is a good way to deal with the negativity and the despair. The work and rhythm of exercise helps channel positive energy, and the endorphins provide a natural high that really moderates the depression. Many of us took that route.

A six pack from exercise is better medicine than a six pack from the liquor store. :-)
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 10:04 PM
My job is very active.
I average 350 transactions per night, and I have to get a lot of cleaning and stuff done.
I sweat and walk fast and even run a lot at work.
I do jot exercise much at home though.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 10:32 PM
Originally Posted by Justthe3ofus
Exercise is a good way to deal with the negativity and the despair. The work and rhythm of exercise helps channel positive energy, and the endorphins provide a natural high that really moderates the depression. Many of us took that route.

A six pack from exercise is better medicine than a six pack from the liquor store. :-)

Very true.
Also spending time with my wife and son helps me.
My W has been doing positive things too. My wife is a runner. She won't 2nd place in a pretty big race here. I can beat her in a sprint, but she would leave me in dust in a long run.
She is from Brazil, before I met her she was an English instructor. (In Brazil at the ages of 17 and 18..... we were marked who she was 18 ..... She is now 29)
He has been teaching people English over Skype. (All of her students are female)
As of now she does not get paid for it, but she likes doing it.
I get angry at her in my mind, but then I remind myself that I love her.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 10:34 PM
Will she write a NC Letter to OM?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/23/14 11:50 PM
She already told him to leave her alone.
She says she doesn't want to think about him or write a letter or anything.
I have been watching her email, phone, Facebook, and implanted vars.
As best I can tell there has been no contact.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 11:57 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
She already told him to leave her alone.
She says she doesn't want to think about him or write a letter or anything.
I have been watching her email, phone, Facebook, and implanted vars.
As best I can tell there has been no contact.
Okay, but you tell her writing to NC is the first step to prove the affair is over. If she refuses then this is a red flag.

She writes it and you send it.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/23/14 11:59 PM
She can copy the template from SAA.

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/29/14 01:02 AM
Thank you Brainhurts.
She says she doesn't want to do a NC letter. She says she has had NC and does t want to contact him even with a NC letter.
I suppose I can't force her to do anything.

Update.
Things seem to be going pretty well. The VARs turn up nothing but innocent conversation between my W and son, and a lot of her listening to music. (Most of witch I kind of like however I would not buy most of it myself)

We have been spending a lot of time together. When I can't be with her, she spends her time teaching people English. (No men!)
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/29/14 01:05 AM
Question:

On D day my wife threatened to leave with my son and live with OM.
(She never left)
Is it legal for her to take my son and live away from me?
What could I do to stop this? (Not an issue now, don't think it will be an issue, but I want to be prepared)
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/29/14 04:04 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
Thank you Brainhurts.
She says she doesn't want to do a NC letter. She says she has had NC and does t want to contact him even with a NC letter.
I suppose I can't force her to do anything.

No, you cant force her to do anything and really cant demand that she write the NC letter.
I would phrase it something like: "I would feel safer remaining in this marriage if you joined me in a program of recovery"
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/29/14 04:08 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
Question:

On D day my wife threatened to leave with my son and live with OM.
(She never left)
Is it legal for her to take my son and live away from me?

What could I do to stop this? (Not an issue now, don't think it will be an issue, but I want to be prepared)

Ask an attorney.
My wife jokingly threatened the same thing to me in divorce mediation.

If I were you, I would Plan A for 6 months and if she is still reluctant to join you in recovery then file for divorce and legal custody of the child.

As I recall, OM was at your home a week ago? I don;t consider this affair over and think she is just gaslighting you.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/29/14 11:41 AM
Well,
I have no evidence that OM was inside the house.
I have been using VARs for a week and found nothing bad.
I think if she were contacting OM the vars would turn it up.
Also, I have had friends drive by when I am not home and no sign of OM.
If I have another sign of OM I will expose to the neighbors. So I can get some
More eyes on this place.
(She would hate me for that though)
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 08/29/14 12:27 PM
You need to get another job.
This is a loosing battle when you work night and she sleeps them.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/29/14 05:50 PM
Been applying and looking for a new day job.
My job pays well, so it's hard to replace the income.
I'd even take a 10% pay cut but be even that is hard to find.
I will day, this job allows me to spend 4 hours each morning with my W while my son is in school.
If I worked days, I would be working during those hours.
Posted By: happyheart Re: Question - 08/29/14 07:55 PM
I'm afraid that you risk losing far more than 10% when having to support two households, while your life is having a relationship with another man. You may want to take the cost of divorce, child support and spousal support into consideration, as well as the hassles like having to deal with child visitation.
Oh, and let's not forget, your wife might want to try cosleeping with your child in the room while having sex with the other man again.

Your argument, that you have 4 hours with your wife in the morning, is absolutely ridiculous. After having worked the night shift, and being utterly tired, those hours are never going to result in love bank deposits, dates and the like.

You are not going to turn this situation around by just labeling the same behaviour differently, calling it quality time. Your work is one of the conditions that have made this affair possible. And although we all feel for you, and understand that a pay cut is a sacrifice, I am sure you will be able to find creative ways to save money. But you cannot save your marriage on weekends only.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/29/14 08:33 PM
Point well taken happyheart.
There is no evidence of my wife having sex with anyone while my son was in the same room.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 08/29/14 08:42 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
Point well taken happyheart.
There is no evidence of my wife having sex with anyone while my son was in the same room.

Originally Posted by happyheart
Oh, and let's not forget, your wife might want to try cosleeping with your child in the room while having sex with the other man again.

I read what happyheart wrote as, if she starts having sex with OM that she'll start sleeping in your son's bed as a way of her "staying faithful" to her OM. Not that she was having sex with OM while in your son's bed.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 08/29/14 08:59 PM
Oh my bad. I understand now.
I must add that my wife and I have had sex almost daily since D day.
She slept with my son in the same bed since he was born.
She sleeps with me on my nights off until my son wakes up and starts crying.
I will also add that as best I can tell there is no contact with OM.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 09/01/14 04:59 PM
Question:

How long should I use the VARs?
I have been using them a week and found nothing.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 09/01/14 05:38 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
Question:

How long should I use the VARs?
I have been using them a week and found nothing.

You should use surveillance until your wife agrees to a program of recovery as detailed in SAA, which she has thus far refused to do....and then for the next 2 years
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 09/10/14 11:44 PM
Another Question:

To be honest, I am trying to get the nerve to expose OM # 1 to his wife.
I am a little afraid of the possible fall out. (Maybe OM # 1 will get violent with my family??

Also, his wife is a recovering alcoholic, and suffers from depression, I know she deserves to know, but I don't want to put her in a type of tailspin.

Here is the question: The only phone number I have is a home phone number.
What should I say if OM # 1 answers?
Man I know part of me would like to have some cross words with him.
........ Like. .... So you think it's cool to sleep with another man's wife.

On another note, I have Ben watching her computer with web watchers, and placing vars for the last 3 or 4 weeks.
There has been nothing alarming said or done that I can see.
I can also see a positive change of attitude in my Ws conversations with her female friends.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 09/11/14 12:05 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
Another Question:

To be honest, I am trying to get the nerve to expose OM # 1 to his wife.
I am a little afraid of the possible fall out. (Maybe OM # 1 will get violent with my family??

Also, his wife is a recovering alcoholic, and suffers from depression, I know she deserves to know, but I don't want to put her in a type of tailspin.

Here is the question: The only phone number I have is a home phone number.
What should I say if OM # 1 answers?
Man I know part of me would like to have some cross words with him.
........ Like. .... So you think it's cool to sleep with another man's wife.

On another note, I have Ben watching her computer with web watchers, and placing vars for the last 3 or 4 weeks.
There has been nothing alarming said or done that I can see.
I can also see a positive change of attitude in my Ws conversations with her female friends.

You should expose to OM wife.
You are not responsible if it causes her to drink, just as a police officer is not responsible if someone he gives a speeding ticket to gets angry about the ticket and drinks.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 09/11/14 12:24 AM
I know I should expose, and I will!
What should I say to OM if he answers the phone?

A big part of me wishes there was a loophole in the law where if a man sleeps with another mans wife, his life could be threatened.

It just isn't fair. I didn't ask for any of this. I would never sleep with another mans wife. I have thought of a revenge affair, but (I know) I could never go through with it.
I feel like I am mentally doing better, but I still have my bad moments.
I am normally not a violent person. I always went out of my way to avoid any type of fight, but in my worst moments, I want to bloody these POSOM's noses!
(I know my wife shares probably most of the blame, but they assaulted my family too.)
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 09/11/14 01:53 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
A big part of me wishes there was a loophole in the law where if a man sleeps with another mans wife, his life could be threatened.

Sir, I just read in the Wall Street Journal that dozens have been executed for adultery in ISIS controlled areas.
If AlQaeda ever conquers America, I can guarantee that there will be very little adultery going on.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 09/11/14 01:54 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
I know I should expose, and I will!
What should I say to OM if he answers the phone?

A big part of me wishes there was a loophole in the law where if a man sleeps with another mans wife, his life could be threatened.

It just isn't fair. I didn't ask for any of this. I would never sleep with another mans wife. I have thought of a revenge affair, but (I know) I could never go through with it.
I feel like I am mentally doing better, but I still have my bad moments.
I am normally not a violent person. I always went out of my way to avoid any type of fight, but in my worst moments, I want to bloody these POSOM's noses!
(I know my wife shares probably most of the blame, but they assaulted my family too.)

If the OM answers, I would just hang up.
If you want to really get even with him legally, just post him on Cheaterville for all the world to see.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 09/11/14 01:55 AM
Do have OM's BW's number?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 09/11/14 02:40 AM
Have you seen this?
"I encourage BH's to contact the OM"
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 09/11/14 11:48 AM
I have their home number. (Which they share)

By the way, I need to point out that this affair, and all others appear to be dead.
I have been using vars and webwatcher for quite some time now.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 09/11/14 01:43 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
I have their home number. (Which they share)

By the way, I need to point out that this affair, and all others appear to be dead.
I have been using vars and webwatcher for quite some time now.
Does she not have a cell number? Have you searched under her name?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 09/11/14 10:32 PM
I have searched under both her and his name, I could only find the home number.
(Tried to call today, he answered so I hung up)

Any idea on a way to find her cell number?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 09/11/14 10:33 PM
On a side note, I wish I could know for sure if my W is being honest.
The vars tell me nothing is going on while I am not here.
Webwatcher is clean.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Question - 09/11/14 10:37 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
I have searched under both her and his name, I could only find the home number.
(Tried to call today, he answered so I hung up)

Any idea on a way to find her cell number?

I would just keep calling the house number until she answers.
You could always do a reverse directory and get their address and follow her to work and speak to her then
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 09/12/14 12:13 AM
That is an idea.
Only problem is they live an hour away from my house.
I'll keep trying to call for a while.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 11/04/14 12:56 AM
Okay, I talked with OM #1's wife. She did not believe me, and Om#1 got on the phone and denied it. I called him a liar in a very angry voice and told him to stay away. (Again, I strongly believe all affairs are dead, and vars would point to this)

My W tells me she only talked on the phone 1 time. (The day they had sex at the hotel) (just over 2 years ago)
I know I have the right guy, I knew his name and his wife's name because my W told me.

I told her about a prior affair of OM#1, she still believes her H.

Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Question - 11/04/14 04:07 PM
Originally Posted by garak77
Okay, I talked with OM #1's wife. She did not believe me, and Om#1 got on the phone and denied it. I called him a liar in a very angry voice and told him to stay away. (Again, I strongly believe all affairs are dead, and vars would point to this)

My W tells me she only talked on the phone 1 time. (The day they had sex at the hotel) (just over 2 years ago)
I know I have the right guy, I knew his name and his wife's name because my W told me.

I told her about a prior affair of OM#1, she still believes her H.
So sad she's in denial. I'm sure this isn't his first affair.

Do you have any evidence you could provide the BW?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Question - 11/04/14 05:39 PM
It is not his first affair. At first she denied that fact, then I got her to admit it.

There was only 1 phone call between my W and OM#1.
I called my wireless provider to get the bill of that particular month.
If it has that phone call listed on the call log, I will share it with her.

The man got on the phone and told me that I'm mistaken and to leave his family alone. My God I was so angry. I will not let this impunity stand if I can at all help it.

I am almost 100% sure my wife is no longer wayward, but I still get sick over this.
I mean how could she do this to someone she loves?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Her Affair - 11/04/14 05:44 PM
Did you get a day job yet?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 11/04/14 10:49 PM
No day job as of yet. I can say that we are spending 20+ hours of undivided attention together. Though I have looked for a day job, but no luck yet. I am praying about that subject too.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 11/05/14 11:51 PM
BW of Om#1 texted me and said her H came clean. I feel like I done good. I feel like maybe it will be easier for me to put it behind me now.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Her Affair - 11/06/14 07:05 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
BW of Om#1 texted me and said her H came clean. I feel like I done good. I feel like maybe it will be easier for me to put it behind me now.
Good. Did you tell her about MB? Send her here.
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 11/07/14 09:20 PM
Yes, I told her about MB multiple times! I all but begged her to post here.
I don't know if she will come here or not, my W told me that her H (OM#1) seems to think that she had a BF while she was married to her H.
I don't know if this was true.

Question:

Okay OM# 1 and OM# 3 have been exposed to their wives.
OM # 2 is a little more tricky. He is not married and has or had no GF that my W knows of.

Should I bother to try to confront OM #2 at all?
As best I can, my W is not in an affair.
I'm still using VARs just for my own peace of mind.
Part of me would like to have words with this low life.
Granted, that might lead to something undesirable.



Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Her Affair - 11/08/14 01:35 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
Yes, I told her about MB multiple times! I all but begged her to post here.
I don't know if she will come here or not, my W told me that her H (OM#1) seems to think that she had a BF while she was married to her H.
I don't know if this was true.

Question:

Okay OM# 1 and OM# 3 have been exposed to their wives.
OM # 2 is a little more tricky. He is not married and has or had no GF that my W knows of.

Should I bother to try to confront OM #2 at all?
As best I can, my W is not in an affair.
I'm still using VARs just for my own peace of mind.
Part of me would like to have words with this low life.
Granted, that might lead to something undesirable.
What about his parents and/or siblings or family? Can you expose to them?
Posted By: garak77 Re: Her Affair - 11/08/14 11:04 PM
Brainhurts,

I suppose I could expose to parents such, but what good would that do?
The affair is long dead.
Also, there is another problem concerning OM#2.
My W won't tell me his last name. She swears she for got it, and she gets angry at me for asking.
(We had some fights when I was dead set on exposing OM #1.)
I'm not sure if I want to have another fight like that again.
I know my W is living to me about OM#2 last name, but is it worth opening those wounds? (It is mentally taxing for me too)
I do feel better now that OM#1 and 3 are exposed, and I had some angry words with OM#1. (OM #3 would never talk to me in any shape or form)

So my question is,
Is it worth a big fight to pull his last name from my wife?
The POS has no W of GF, I would feel awkward trying to expose to his parents, I meanhow do I open a conversation like that? And how do I answer if they ask me why I'm telling them?

Again, I want to thank everyone for their help. I'm sorry I'm not getting all the results so fast. (But I feel okay about the way things sit now)
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