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chrisner,
I couldn't agree more with you. When I saw that, I actually laughed. I can see the OM some day doing the same thing, when he finally gets what he did. The only thing positive in it all, would be to follow up on it from a freind of the poor BH and let him know OM is now experiencing a form of what he went through.

Texas,
OK. What a drama thread. First of all, just to put this out there, and let you understand my position without any real misunderstanding, nor am I attacking you. You are a liar. In the beginning of this thread you were point blank asked about your marriage....


How did you two meet? How did her last marriage [s] end? Did your relationship with her start as an affair?

You proceeded to choose to ignore this until much much later... Had you tabled this earlier, much drama would have been avoided. You KNEW this. That is why you chose to ignore it.

I am sorry you find yourself in this position. Do you deserve it? Who cares. All I can tell you, if you feel that you really want your wife back, you can do two things (of course there are more than two things) You can continue to do things your way [which has landed you being an adulter, divorced, remarried, having an adultress wife, once with you and now against you], or you can take the advice from SOME of the people on this board who have been around for a LONG time dealing with YOUR EXACT PROBLEM and helping many betrayed spouses find the way to gain the confidence in themselves to realize they don't really care what their spouse (who is having sex with an OP) says to them.

I wish I could make you understand, that during this time frame, while you are trying to save your marriage, you can not operate from the responses or emotions you evoke form your wife. They are irrelevant. There is a very good, clean cut playbook for saving your marriage. It may or may not work. What I can tell you is that it is quite successful, for original marriages. I'm not sure how effective it will work for your affair-marriage, but, I'd try it if I were honestly trying to save my marriage. What I wouldn't do, is try to pretend that I know more than people that have been dealing with this for 10+ years... just like I don't pick and choose parts of the Bible to believe, this program is quite similair.

I don't think your marraige can survive this personally. You both have laid the groundwork for this to fail going in, in so many different levels, that... if you asked me, I'd say you won't succeed. That isn't what I want, it's just my opinion. It's up to you to decide what you want, and to act appropriately, REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOUR WIFE DOES OR SAYS. When/if she decides to come home and be faithful to you, then she gets to have a say in how you act/behave again.

-hang in there


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Originally Posted By: RookKev
chrisner,
I couldn't agree more with you. When I saw that, I actually laughed. I can see the OM some day doing the same thing, when he finally gets what he did. The only thing positive in it all, would be to follow up on it from a freind of the poor BH and let him know OM is now experiencing a form of what he went through.

Texas,
OK. What a drama thread. First of all, just to put this out there, and let you understand my position without any real misunderstanding, nor am I attacking you. You are a liar. In the beginning of this thread you were point blank asked about your marriage....


How did you two meet? How did her last marriage [s] end? Did your relationship with her start as an affair?

You proceeded to choose to ignore this until much much later... Had you tabled this earlier, much drama would have been avoided. You KNEW this. That is why you chose to ignore it.

I am sorry you find yourself in this position. Do you deserve it? Who cares. All I can tell you, if you feel that you really want your wife back, you can do two things (of course there are more than two things) You can continue to do things your way [which has landed you being an adulter, divorced, remarried, having an adultress wife, once with you and now against you], or you can take the advice from SOME of the people on this board who have been around for a LONG time dealing with YOUR EXACT PROBLEM and helping many betrayed spouses find the way to gain the confidence in themselves to realize they don't really care what their spouse (who is having sex with an OP) says to them.

I wish I could make you understand, that during this time frame, while you are trying to save your marriage, you can not operate from the responses or emotions you evoke form your wife. They are irrelevant. There is a very good, clean cut playbook for saving your marriage. It may or may not work. What I can tell you is that it is quite successful, for original marriages. I'm not sure how effective it will work for your affair-marriage, but, I'd try it if I were honestly trying to save my marriage. What I wouldn't do, is try to pretend that I know more than people that have been dealing with this for 10+ years... just like I don't pick and choose parts of the Bible to believe, this program is quite similair.

I don't think your marraige can survive this personally. You both have laid the groundwork for this to fail going in, in so many different levels, that... if you asked me, I'd say you won't succeed. That isn't what I want, it's just my opinion. It's up to you to decide what you want, and to act appropriately, REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOUR WIFE DOES OR SAYS. When/if she decides to come home and be faithful to you, then she gets to have a say in how you act/behave again.

-hang in there



I think you've given some very good advice. Thank you.

Here's one point I haven't touched on about my wife. My wife is a very irrational and easily angered person, that when angered becomes a very vindictive person. You take this kind of person and put a vicious female divorce lawyer at their disposal, the combination of the two results in extreme discomfort and expense for me. So I have to walk a fine line to keep her somewhat calm so she won't fly off the handle and put her attorney into attack mode against me. For example: today she threatened to have her attorney file a restraining order against me for the email I sent to the OM.

Last edited by Texas777; 03/18/10 05:55 PM.
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Don't I love it when they blow it wide open like this?

SB wink




I know all of this already. All of the problems listed by Dr. Harley have plagued my current marriage. So, why are you surprised to find yourself in this situation? And furthermore, why are you surprised by the angry responses of the betrayed spouses on the boards? My wife has put her two adult daughters over me nearly 100% of the time. Beeecausssse, silly - she has ALWAYS put herself and her needs over everyone else's. But you KNEW THAT GOING IN. Didn't you? Think back now - don't these words ring a bell with you: "I need to make myself happy. I can't live any longer in a marriage that doesn't make ME happy...I have to live to make MYSELF happy, and the marriage I'm in doesn't do that anymore..." or something along those lines? Didn't she say those words to YOU when you and she were in your affair? Because she hasn't changed, Tex. You got exactly what you expected. SELFISHNESS is what you were getting back then, and YOU GOT IT. Why are you surprised now? This has been a huge problem. It wasn't when it served YOUR NEEDS. Only now, it's different. It began to interfere with YOUR NEEDS. Your own selfish desires are only overshadowed by HERS. Really consider this in your behavior over time - including what you did to her previous husband. Because to overlook this is to drag this terrible shame into your NEXT relationship. Don't.

My wife is also not an honest person, although she tells me she is very honest (I think she actually believes this). As her partner in crime, how could you possibly have believed that she was honest? Really? You actively participated with her in deceict and lies against her previous husband. Now, you stand pointing a finger at her for "dishonesty"? I am sitting here just laughing at you, because you do not even see this on your own screen. Re-read this until it hits you as blatantly as it hit me, Tex. Seriously. It HAS to hit you HARD, because YOU are as dishonest as she.

My wife constantly engages in lies, delusions, and distortion of facts to justify whatever goal she is trying to accomplish. For example, she claims the affair we had was all my fault and she claims she was not at fault at all. Now, here, she has to take her blame. You have your point, Tex. She is 100% at fault in her marriage for having her affair. YOU, however, also have your part in the blame, because YOU KNEW she was married. You had no honor. You held to a selfishness that drove you to an immoral act. You wanted what you wanted, and did not care about anything beyond your own desires. Period.

The reality is she told me she was getting a divorce the first day I met her, and then she vigorously pursued me and seduced me, and I resisted for a very long time until she wore me down and I allowed myself to fall into her trap. She actually cried hysterically begging me to sleep with her. That got me and I lost my self control. Ah, were this to be true. She threw herself at you, wore you down, and you finally gave in and had sex with her to shut her up. How gallant of you. This sounds absolutely stupid.

After two months into the affair, I told her I did not want to see her anymore unless she got a divorce. Wait, if she "wore you down", what happened to that? All of a sudden you now know she isn't getting a divorce? Your honor just went out the window, Tex. YOU did have a choice. It's called "walking away". You had a choice in this. You did NOT fall on your sword by sleeping with her. You committed an immoral act. Get that straight. I told her to only divorce if that is what SHE wanted and to not divorce her husband for me. Six months later I called her and she told me her divorce was almost final. One month later she was divorced and we started seeing each other again. But her version of the story is I am the one that destroyed her family and ruined her marriage. She cannot accept any responsibility for her actions. So IF this is true, then, why would you feel guilty? Because you know that your affair is the reason she left her husband, there is more to the story, and that the two of you continued to be emotionally connected during this entire time, Tex. You and she had an affair, she left her husband for you, and that is the "story". Why color it any other way? These "details" are unimportant. There is no justification, no detail, that makes this story so unique and special that makes it "okay" to do what you did. It was wrong. It was immoral. It was a hideous disrespect of a marriage that you participated actively in, and now you are reaping the results of that. Now you see and understand what happens in these types of relationships, and you HATE IT.

That's how this works. It is terrible. It is difficult. It is also real and it is what you have to deal with.

Put on your big boy britches and face the cards that are on the table. You married a woman who is willing to have an affair, and now she is doing it again.


As said earlier, my wife is a very screwed up person and I know I would be better off without her in my life. Being with her is non-stop drama Gee, did I have her pegged in my previous post, or what??? , and I hate drama. But my wife has a extremely wonderful side to her and this is the person I fell in love with.

Tex, you have a mess on your hands. IF you want to save this marriage, and I would have to say WHY?????, but IF you do, you will have to out-drama and out-romance the lawyer.

Period.

Only.....if you don't have the bucks in your bank acct, I still say you will lose out. Why? Your wife is as you describe her


dishonest

and she is also as I describe her


selfish


and that combination will result in a person who will go where she thinks the grass is greenest

FOR HER.


And nowhere else.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
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Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Originally Posted By: Texas777


Here's one point I haven't touched on about my wife. My wife is a very irrational and easily angered person, that when angered becomes a very vindictive person.

Quote:

1) The intervention of Reality: Divorce in these marriages tends to take place very early in the marriage. During th affair, the infidel and perhaps the affairee are in a state of intensely stimulating unreality. The second marriage itself seems to be a switch that throws the lights on and illuminates the mess that has accumulated. It is as if the romance had seemed real, while the divorce didnt. Only after the remarriage did the divorce become real enough for the lovers to see that it was all a horrible mistake. The affairs that become marriages typically were so intense they were never questioned at all. During the divorce, reality never set in sufficiently to let the romance be evaluated and questioned. The romance was so romantic on one ever got around to asking if it was sane.


I am posting this for the benefit of all the BETRAYED spouses who are reading along.
The BS who might be worried their adulterous wayward might marry their adultery partner.

Adultery/affairs are ugly.
Ugly begets ugly.

Do not worry, Betrayed Spouses. Their ugly adultery-marriage is not your concern.


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Quote:

Put on your big boy britches and face the cards that are on the table. You married a woman who is willing to have an affair, and now she is doing it again.

rotflmao

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane


Hi Texas. I agree with your reasoning. I suspect the OM would drop her like a hot potato if he knew the truth. However, your wife needs to know it was you who told him. Otherwise, you cannot take credit for it.

An important aspect of this you probably dont get is comprehend is that your wife left you to pursue this affair. She STAGED it to make it look like she met the man afterwards. But women dont leave to get space unless there is an affair. If you think back real hard, you will be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

How did you two meet? How did her last marriage [s] end? Did your relationship with her start as an affair?


I had a feeling about this which is why I asked this question yesterday in my first post to you. You never answered. That is something that is very important to me because I choose not to help affair situations. I don't help those who signed on for it. IMO, they need to just accept the consequences of their actions. If you chose to marry a cheater, then you can't very well object when she cheats. I consider that a matter of personal accountability, not one of infidelity.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My one and only post to this thread is simple:

If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Howls of outrage doesn't change that simple fact of life, love and the pursuit of unhappiness.

Larry

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This thread has been great for the entertainment value, but I think it's time to stick a fork in it. Maybe one of the networks will turn this guy's story into a mini-series.


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
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I wondered why he was so calm about this banghead


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Originally Posted By: Linus
This thread has been great for the entertainment value, but I think it's time to stick a fork in it. Maybe one of the networks will turn this guy's story into a mini-series.


Yeah. And you know, right at first he really seemed like he wanted to do whatever it took to save his M. Ya just can't tell with some people...


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss

Yeah. And you know, right at first he really seemed like he wanted to do whatever it took to save his M. Ya just can't tell with some people...


He doesn't have a M. He has an affairage. You know, when two rutting pigs try to do what humans do!

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Originally Posted By: bitbucket
Originally Posted By: chrisner
Then I would have to go back to cleaning the guns all the time again.


What, did you sell the wood chipper?


Nah. The woodchipper is for cleanup work. You know, like getting rid of unwanted limbs and such.

But formaldehyde jars of Gollum bits and pieces parts aside, it has been a while since I have been to the range and shot the crotch out of a silhouette OM target with the .45. Cant put a price tag on a good time!


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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This guy is another sucker in the line of suckers his, "ahem", wife is playing with.

SB gave him a gift by the reply they gave him.

Wonder what is stronger. His desire to learn or his desire to believe he is Gods gift to women?

Tex yur belief that you are special and can save the wanting wild women of the world is comical. I hope you can grow up enough someday to laugh at yourself.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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