I'm so sick of all this crap. I just want to get that Wh*re as far away from me as possible.

I talked to my lawyer yesterday. I told him I don't care how much it cost as long as the carpenters dream doesn't get one red cent of my retirement.

He suggested that I contact her and try and work out a deal. Otherwise ... I'm in for a long expensive battle. The only one who's going to benefit from that is the lawyer.

I'm so disgusted with my WW I don't want to look at her, talk to her, email her.... Nothing....

New stuff, Amazin? Or have you just reached the end of your rope?

Fox

what happened????.....there is more to this than you have let on.....

(((((Amazin)))))

not2fun

Amazin

Praying for you

Angie

Nothing new. I'm just at the end of my rope.

I have a full time temporary job with uncle sam right now and the clock is ticking. I need to move on and get this over with so that when I retire I'm not still tied to this woman or stuck in the middle of a bitter divorce and no job.

Was it the court hearing? What happened?

We're here for you Amazin.

Mark

You've had a lot to deal with lately. It's not surprising to see you at this point.

I find that the anger helps me. Once over the anguish and desperation of infidelity, that anger helped me keep my resolve and take care of things without the yearning for something different.

It still hurts, but in a different way.

Hang in there, friend. Give us an update when you have a chance.

Fox

Sorry to hear that.
Your lawyer is right - if you guys can come to some sort of agreement it will be better all the way around.

If you can't stand to talk to her or see her, could you write it down and send it in the mail or email it to her? That would give you time to think things over calmly without all the stress of being physically in her presence.

sorry,

My computer is extreamly slow.


I had my court date yesterday. My ex and her lawyers thought they were going to waltz into court, make all their accusations stick and come out victorious. Then my ex was to walk off into the sunset with custody of the kids.

Well my DD-17 decided she'd had enough of Mom's high drama and didn't want to live with mom. She wanted to live with Dad and that threw a monkey wrench into their entire plan. DD-17 moved back in last night.

Bottom line: The temporary order was modified. And as long as there's no violation of the order, in three months we'll be back in court and the whole thing will be dismissed.

Custody of my DD-15 is another court issue. But I think another 3 months of DD-15 and my ex wife living together will give both of them an opportunity to see what the other side of the fence looks like. And I don't think either one is going to like what they see.

My ex wife told me that my WW gave her until February 1st and then she needs to get her own place. My ex has no money. She just got a job and won't get paid for another 2 weeks. She went out of her way yesterday to let me know that she might not have a place to stay in a couple of days. Oh well.... you started all this crap... not my problem. Maybe she should ask my WW to let her move in forever. (Or at least long enough for them to beat the crap out each other in a "to the death cat fight")

You don't have to do anything TODAY, except maybe shop for a dart board to put to good use...

Amazin

Make that TWO dart boards...

It's playing out pretty much like you thought it would. When DD15 comes back, be ready with your hard and fast rules of what it will be like to live in Dad's house again.

She needs to see it as a PRIVALEGE that you will take her back. Abuse allegations can be DEVASTATING. She needs to know just how far this could have gone.

Your DD17 moving back in with you is HUGE. Did she have anything to do with the allegations?

Did DD15's doctors give you any suggestions on what to do and how to handle her?

Amazin

Fox

That's great about your DD17! Just keep your nose clean for the next three months and stay away from ExW and WW. I think you're right about DD15-- that's going to get old real fast.

I'm not sure what part if any she played in the whole thing. It's my Ex wife that filed the alegations.

Monday, DD-17 wanted to come over to the house to look for her Senior paper. My lawyer said he thought it was just an excuse, and that she wanted to talk to me. He was pretty much right.

While she was there I could tell that something was bothering her. I asked her if she thought I was going to be mad at her? Suddenly I could see this welling up of emotions. She dropped all her stuff, sat next to me on the sofa, gave me a big hug. Crying she said she was sorry. I told her that I wasn't mad at her, I forgave her and told her I loved her. Then I said "It sucks having to choose between mom and dad doesn't it." She said yes. I told her she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do and if she wanted to live with me she could but I wasn't going to try and force her.

The next day in court she was given the opportunity to tell me face to face that she didn't want to live with me. That's when she said she didn't want to live with her mom. But she was afraid to tell her because DD-15 and mom would be extremely mad.

DD-15 was given the opportunity as well but she wouldn't even look me in the face, and refused to talk to me.

Aw, man, that makes ME get a little teary. Poor DD17 . It shows positive growth, though, to go against Mom and do what is right.


She may take a little more time, but I think she will come around. She is the stubborn one, isn't she?


Fox

Thanks Pep. You’ve been a great help over the last year.


Thanks Not2Fun, You've been awsome! Sorry about your trouble with Mr. Not2Fun.


Thanks Angie, Keep praying.


Thanks Mark, You gave me a lot of good advice in the beginning.


Thanks Meggy...I’ve got a board in my Garage. I need to sharpen my darts.


Thanks for everything Fox. You’ve been an awesome help.


Huggs for everyone....

(((Amazin)))

I am not surprised you are at this point, ESPECIALLY with all you have been through lately. Once you have walked this path, it is HARD to keep on going. And you my friend have done all you could. You learned about what makes a great marriage, where YOU wrong in the demise of your marriage PRE-A, and most importantly, you learned about AMAZIN.

If you went back to the very beginning of your posts, you can see how far you have come. STAND TALL AND BE PROUD.....

And after all that you have been through and what you are STILL dealing with, well, I for one say its about time. Just because you one doesn't make it the whole 2 years, doesn't make you ANY LESS of a man......

You will do well my friend, and I surely hope that this doesn't mean we won't be seeing you around these parts.....and last but not least....

DO NOT LET HER GET ONE PENNY OF YOUR RETIREMENT....

oh wait, one more thing.....

GO GET THAT MASSAGE now......

Hang in there.....

not2fun

I should have known that was comming.

When you can call her a wh0re it's probably time to pack it in.

Good luck. There is someone good out there. I suggest your local churchs' singles nights.

So glad to hear the latest. You ARE a good man, and good dad. Hang in there.

Did I say that? ... I might have....

Her dad's a carpenter...

Carpenters dream = Flat as a board and easy to nail.

I'm not even close to dating. Maybe in a year or two. And when I do it's going to be a good christian woman.

Thanks Believer

You've been a great source of comfort to me on those day's when I was really down. Thank you so much.

When I got home today there was a letter in the mail from CPS. It said that the result of their investigation into the alegations of abuse are....

UN-FOUNDED

You will do just fine. Please keep posting regularly so we can encourage you. I've been praying for your situation. In your case, prayers were answered.

Stay calm. Don't give up any more than you have to. I know how hard this has been on you.

And in the 11th hour.


One of the girls at the Divorce Care class said something about prayers being answered in the 11th hour.

I think there's more to come...

He is a just in time God isn't He?

He's never late...

But He ain't often early.

Makes us trust Him more...

That is GREAT!

I hope your xwife and ww feel like utter fools. I also hope that CPS set them straight on making false accusations.

Stay steady, Amazin. You're doing just fine.

Fox

True, and true, and true. Glad CPS came through for you by seeing the truth.

tl

Great isn't it!

I'm just waiting for the real fireworks to start... I think a big dose of reality is in order for my Ex wife, WW and my DD-15. They stirred all this crap up and now they're going to have to sit and stew in their own stinky smelly mess for a while.

My Ex wife told me the other day that my WW gave her until February 1st to get her own place. Ex wife doesn't have any money. Just got a job and won't get paid for another 2 weeks. I told the ex I guess you need to ask Mrs. Amazin if you can stay longer. (Laughing on the inside the whole time.)

One person is mooching of the other and is sticking to her like gum on her shoe.... LOL

told ya !

Yes you did...

Even still.... I was all stressed and worried.

but yet he STILL refuses to go get that massage....... :RollieEyes:

not2fun

Well... the next thing is comming... My ex has filed for child support... It's really not a surprize to me. I expected it.

The thing that iritates me is that she was only required to pay $198 a month for three kids when we got divorced because she convienently didn't have a job. She's several years behind. I took her back to court in 1998 and they placed a 12% interest on the back child support and a garnishment order. Then she left the state and went another 5 years without paying. It's got to be close to $10,000 in back child support that she owes if not more.

I just found the contempt and withholding order from 1998. At that time she was over $7000 behind. She had made some extra payments for a few years.... but when there's a 12% interest on 7157.69... a 100 a month toward that doesn't really do much to bring the total down.

Wow, that ought to be fun! Appear in court to address her request for child support, and ask the court to make her pay the $10,000 first!

So there I was... It's 3:50 in the afternoon. I'm putting my boots on and getting ready to walk out of my office for the weekend. And I get an email.... Dang... Who could that be? so I log back into my computer to check.

It's an email from reunion.com. WW has added me to her Friends list....

With friends like that who needs enemies?

She's really a leech, trying to suck your precious blood.

I know...I just deleted the email...

So... the fireworks at WW's house have gone off...

On Tuesday my DD-17 came back home. While she was as work the Ex wife came by and dropped off some of her stuff. She's so predictable it's almost laughable. She's a manipulator and does everything she can to make everyone feel sorry for her. But she doesn't accept or acknowledge her responsibility for any situation she gets herself in. It's always someone else’s fault. Sounds like my DD-15.

She tried her best to lay a guilt trip on me. (This was before I got the letter from CPS that exonerated me.) She told me she has a job but doesn't get paid for two weeks and that she doesn't have any money. (I guess you shouldn't have quit that $40,000 a year job and started all this crap) She went out of her way to let me know that WW was making her move out on the 30th. (I need to know this because??? Not my problem.) I told her she needs to ask Mrs. Amazin if she can stay longer then. She told me the reason DS-18 didn't go to college this year was because he was afraid to leave the girls alone with me. (B.S. He totaled his car and didn’t' have a way to get there. When he did finally get a car it was too late for him to get admitted for the spring semester.) She told me that DD-15 has brain damage because of the years of abuse that she’s suffered at my hands. And that she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (B.S. I talked to her doctor and got his diagnosis. He didn’t say she had brain damage. She doesn’t have PTSD. She was diagnosed with depression.)

She sends me a text message yesterday. She wants to know if I'm going to give her some money for child support to hold her over until she gets paid. Hmmmm.... I did tell her that I would help her out. But... I already gave her a $200.00 check that she cashed a week ago. She called several times yesterday but I just ignored her calls and didn't answer. She called this morning. DD-17 answered the phone and brought it to me. She starts right away with the poor poor pitiful me routine... She said she doesn't have any money. Mrs. Amazin asked her to leave so she moved out. She said she was staying at the Salvation Army. She wanted to know if I was going to give her a check. She said she'd give me a receipt. (Like I need one) I told her I was going to talk to my lawyer before I give her any more money. I told her I left a message for him but he hasn't returned my call. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Salvation Army story is B.S. just to make my feel guilty. I’m not sure what to think. It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s staying with my son at his girlfriends parents or if she’s still at WW’s house.

Here’s my dilemma.

On one hand I don’t want my DD-15 to suffer. But on the other hand... I feel like My Ex and DD-15 need to reap the rewards of the seeds they’ve sown. They created this big stinky smelly mess and they need to wallow in it for a while.

Advice?

Let them wallow. Your ex is an adult. She should have had enough brains to fix this before it happened. Not your problem.

Tell D15 she is welcome to come stay with you any time she wants. Do NOT extend the same to ex.

Period.

ditto

period

I agree however, there is still one problem... the Protection from Abuse order is still in effect. My DD-15 can initiate communication with me. I can't initiate it with her. When the order was modified it also said DD-15 could move back home if she wanted to.

She's pretty stuborn and strong willed. I'll just wait and see what happens... Patience.

I don't know about where you live, but here in California, the Salvation Army is a nice place. The food is very GOOD. My ex and I used to do outreach work for homeless vets, and went there many times.

For lunch, they had a salad bar, lots of fresh fruit, 2 choices for an entree, bread, soup and dessert.

Tell both your WW and your exW that D15 is welcome to come home and they are welcome to tell her. That way, you have done your part, and if they don't tell D15, it is THEM who are being selfish and not looking out for D15.

Do nothing! Your ex is a psycho. She's already proven that if you give her enough rope she'll hang herself. Your DD15 seems to be following in her footsteps but she's old enough to know how to fix this with you. She was old enough to make allegations, right?

Please do not give in to this woman and DO NOT give her any more $$. She's a user and abuser. Your daughter will figure this out shortly.

I agree...

My ex is a psyco and a user. My DD-17 is about to learn this the hard way I think. She got a job last summer and I made her start saving for a car. I told her when she got to about $1500 or $2000 I would pitch in another $1000 - $1500 and we'd get her a good reliable economical car. Something that would last her for 5 years or so. She had about $1400 saved. A few days after DD-17 was taken out of the house her bank account was emptied. When she came back I asked her if she still had her money for a car. She said No... I have a car, my mom is going to barrow it for a while. I asked my DD-17 if her name was on the title. She said no because mom said since she didn't have a drivers licence she couldn't be on the title. DD-17 also paid for the registration, title fees and the insurance. Ex wife also "borrowed $300 from her. I told DD-17 don't be surprised if her Mom doesn't follow through and screws her over. DD-17 is a follower and easily influenced.

Based on the history of my Ex... she'll sweet talk DD-17, make excuse after excuse about why she hasn't paid her back or given the car to her... Then $crew her over.

It's going to suck if that's how it turn out... But it's a lesson about mom that DD-17 will never forget.

So...

I sent WW an email asking her if she wants a divorce today.


Foxx... do you remember deciphering the email I got from WW right after Thanksgiving?

After a few email exchanges today....I came to the conclusion that your interpretation was right on the money. Especially the part about her not telling me what she wants....

Here's a copy of what you said about her letter.

What a rotten stinkin' thing for XW to do

I know... Unfortunately DD-17 is very trusting and gullable. She's going to have to learn a hard lesson.

It sucks.... But it's the hard lessons that we never forget.

From your fingertips to God's ears

Thanks Pep, Me and my family need all the prayers we can get right now.

A true story from today:

At work,I saw a patient I've known for more than 13 years.
She is also a coworker, an administrator. (They all seem to come to me for their "female" needs, it must be my very tiny hands )

So, we were catching up as I did my "thang".
She asked me about my kids.
I did some bragging.
Some bellyaching and complaining too.

Suddenly, I stopped and caught myself.

I said: "I thank God I have kids to complain about."

She said "That's OK. I understand. It doesn't bother me when you do that."

Her one and only child died as a teenager 2 years ago, cystic fibrosis.

Amazin' - Thank GOD we have kids that drive us crazy.

True... As bad as it seems like my situation is... It could be a lot worse.

I got a partial victory last week. Prayers were answered. I think there's more to come.

Does your DD17 have proof that her money was withdrawn at the time of the car purchase?

She could request car or payment of "loan". If not, she could learn the joys of small claims court. This can not be done years from now. With bank statements, Title transfer dates-- your WW having no/job or money to otherwise pay for junker--

The judge can find in favor of your DD. Make your WW return the car, or pay her.

I would not let her be taken advantage of. This is our opportunity to show her how to stand up for herself.

At least get a promissary note, even if it is worth junk.

Good Luck,

My DD-17 withdrew the money herself. It was a couple of weeks before they bought the car. They opened another account at another bank. I was a joint owner of the original account. So yes... there is proof. Three ATM withdrawls.

Someone I know who is a financial advisor said something about juviniles not being able to withdrawl money out of their accounts without the parents consent. I don't know how true that is... I'd have to check into it.

Well, you seem to have very poor taste in women. Hope you are working on that...........

I'm aware of my poor choices in women. You're not the only one who's told me that.

I'm not even close to wanting to date. And before I do I'm going to take a class on the book "Safe People" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The same authors of Boundaries.

Safe People

Oh, Amazin, just saying....................

I kept running into men that were not very good, and kept wondering "why me". Turns out that I had missed some red flags along the way.

My oldest son seems to need drop dead gorgeous girls. And that is the main thing he looks at. He's had problems all along.

I know what you mean Believer.

I plan on getting myself to a place where I can be in a much helthier relationship next time. There's some tools out there for betrayed spouses to do that.

Boundaries and safe people are a couple of those tools.

So what was her response?

She doesn't want to negotiate. She wants to let the Lawyers slug it out. I'm pretty sure she's living from pay check to pay check. She didn't follow through on her threat to file before because she doesn't have the money.

Dumb on her part... I have a war chest... I'm not too worried about spending money on attorneys. If she want's a war...

It's her funeral.

And on the western front...

I did some number crunching this morning. I guestimated how much Ex wife owes in back child support. Just a guess... around $22,000. I could be way off but I took into account the 12% interest they put on her back child support, and also added that into the 4 1/2 years from 2003 to 2008 that she didn't pay anything. (She got off probation in December 2003 and guess when the payments stopped? yep.... December 2003)

I called TX to see if they sent the detailed report on her reconciled account. They sent it on Monday and I should have it in a couple of days.


My lawyer sent me an email with some good news. He did some research to see if what she owes can offset what my child support payments might be. And... Yes they can be offset. She just has to have enough money to live on.

So the next step is to get the TX account transferred to our PA county.

XW sure has wakened the sleeping TIGER!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ya know.... I was just thinking this morning....

It sure would be real humorous if this whole thing backfires on the Ex wife and get's turned completely around in my favor.

If DD-15 decides she's had enough of moms crap and wants to come back home. Ex wife's head would spin like a top. And she is going to be in a world of hurt when I get done with her. She's going to wish she was only required to pay 38.07 a week.

I looked up the state child support calculator this morning. Played with it a little. Based on what I think she's going to be making at her new job... If I had both girls... it was like 400 a month and that was without arrearage.


I could see God's hand in this if it happened this way. And I would be LAUGHING OUT LOUD!

I think it might even make my WW's head ache... I'm sure she's hoping I have to pay child support so I don't have money to spend on a divorce.

I SO AGREE!

Think of the empowerment you will be teaching her! And girls seriously need it.

Well for now I'm just going to let things simmer. DD-17 still thinks mom is hunky dory and is going to follow through on her promises. When DD-17 is good and tired of mom's B.S. I'll see if she want's to take mom to small claims court.

I read your story a long long time ago. How did your XW manage to move in with WW? .. that qualifies for a WTF??!?!?!

Did you meet these two women from blind dates your sister set you up on or was it the same dating service???

I Agree with your friends, find a better way puhleeeze!!!

Please Rehash how this diabolical living arrangement came about

They're not living together anymore. WW asked Ex to move out on the 30th. Ex and DD-15 are living in the Salvation Army.

Right now their reaping the fruits of the seeds they've sown. So to speak.


Well... I guess my WW saw an opportunity to make my life miserable and took advantage of it by offering to my ex wife a place to stay while she tried to get custody of my two girls. When you think about it from a divorce strategy standpoint pretty smart. If she can put me in a position that I don't have money to pay a lawyer because I'm paying child support ... I'd be much more likely to settle quickly and give her whatever she wants.

Right now Ex and DD-15 aren't diggin the WW very much anymore. If it were me I'd be Pissed that WW told me I could stay as long as I wanted then kicked me out after a month.

I got the certified child support arrearage computation from Texas.

And the grand total that my ex wife owes is...


$18,778.35

How's she gonna like THEM apples?!


Fox

and GROWING as we speak.

She probably doesn't know how much she's behind. I'm going to get the child support transferred to PA ASAP.

I'd like to keep it on the down low until the hearing for child support that SHE asked for.

Then... Surprize surprize...

Maybe I should bring a camera to the hearing... I hope the look on her face is priceless.

Let me get my pencil out....

18778.35 X 12% interest per year = $2253.40

2253.40 divided by 12 months = $187.78

That's how much she would have to pay each month just to keep the balance from growing. That's about $5 less than what her original monthly child support payment was supposed to be.

I'm sorry... I just have to....


In the words of Red Forman...


DumbA$$

Sounds like a great youtube moment to me.

If I only could... I'd even share it with all y'all...

What a dufus!

Did you tell Texas where she was?

Seems like they'd be saddling up their ponies and coming after her for that much $$.

She was technically residing in Texas... Until she quite her over the road truck driving job. Now she's made the mistake of moving here. It will be much easier to go after her. If we were residing in two different states then the states attorney generals handle it. It can be difficult to collect if there's not an aggrement between the states.

I'm going to transfer the Child support account to PA since we're both in the same county now. I think she'll faint when she finds out.

The Karma Bus Cometh

a haiku by karmasrose

For Amazin's wife
The karma bus is coming
Next time pay CS!

Thought I'd bring a little humor to the table.

It might be a little bigger than a bus...


I'm thinkin cho cho train...


Whooo whooo ... chug a chuga chuga chuga... chug a chuga chuga chuga... Whooooooo whoooo...

Chugga chugga chugga WOO--- *snapcrunchflatten*

Her refusal to pay the CS are the ropes tying her to the track and the train is a'coming...

I hear the train a'coming...

I'm happy for you that you're done. I could never understand why you ever wanted her back in the first place.

All the best

:MerryChristmas:

In the email that my lawyer sent he said any child support I may have to pay can be offset dollar for dollar for what she owes. It's up to the courts. But.... The courts can't reduce the amount she owes. She'll owe that money until it's paid off or until she dies. She could file bankruptcy and still owe that money.

Well, this one way to get rid of her.


She'll dump DD15 back in your lap and take off, IMHO. She's using DD15 to get money from you - DD15 will end up seeing that, too.

Fox

I went to the Domestic Relations office this afternoon and filed a counter suit against the Ex. Needless to say I got the impression Ex wife wasn't totally honest with those people when she filed. I think they were kind of shocked that she owed 18,000 in back child support. She'll find out that I filed next week.


I wish...

She's gonna stick to me like the stink on a skunk... Ya can't get rid of her.

The divorce support group is having a pot luck tonight. I'll be pot lucking it in a few... LOL

Then on the 14th we're all going bowling.

Oh, to be a fly on THAT wall.



Really, you don't think she'll take off if she thinks they are after her for child support?

Bummer.

Fox

Try a solution of one quart of 3 percent hydrogen peroxide, 1/4 cup of baking soda, and a tsp. of liquid detergent.

If bathing yourself in that does not remove the odor, make her drink it.

Well... I think she'll stick around as long as she thinks there's money in it for her. You could be right... the minute she thinks she's going to get her butt over a barrel she'll bolt...

I had an old aunt (She was around 85) She gave me some great advice once....

She said the more you handle a turd the more crap you get on yourself.....


She was talking about my Ex wife at the time.

The Ex wife just came by the house and banged on the door. She wanted to know if I knew where DD-15 was. Ex wife said they got in a fight and that DD told her to F-Off. Then she ran away. I told her to call the cops. And since there's a Protection From Abuse order still in effect I can't go looking for her.


I'm not sure what to think. Whether its true or if she's just using that as an excuse to talk to me about child support. The subject of child support came up about a minute after she told me DD ran away. Ex wanted to know the name of my lawyer. I told her I'm not giving you the name of my lawyer. Then in high drama fashion she said " you really don't care about her do you." I said yes I do care about her. Then she said I'm real upset with the way you're acting. I said "I'm not real happy with some of the things your doing either."

I told her "I'm not having this conversation with you righ now." She kept on and on... I repeated calmly "I'm not having this conversation with you right now." Finally she stopped and I said "Are you done?" she said yes and stomped off.

I called the cops and reported DD-15 as a runaway and gave them ex wifes number.

Perfect, Amazin. Don't give away any of your strategy.

DD15 knows where she can go if she needs help.

It's about time your ex had to experience the same thing you have gone through.

Fox

My DD-15 sent me a very nasty email. Almost everything she said in it seemed to come from her mom. Makes me sick.

Her mother's trying everything she can to manipulate me into doing what she wants.

DD-15 said she's done and doesn't ever want to see me again.

Some day your daughter will wake up to the fact that she's a puppet - her mother's "hate" puppet.

Teenagers don't like to be used.

When they do allow themselves to be "used" it's a means to an end - when that end turns on them, they turn on the puppeteer. Not going to be fun for your x.

Are you sure your daughter wrote the email, or was it your ex-wife doing the writing and just pretending? I know my daughters' passwords, etc., and could do such a thing if I chose to. Your ex doesn't sound overly-burdened with scruples...

tl

I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt. I realize that DD is only 15 and being manipulated by a 36 year old woman. I can see that my Ex is just trying to drive a bigger wedge between DD and me.

I think that's what is so disgusting to me. It's obvious that the Ex is using my DD to try and get what she wants.

I never told my kids when their mom didn't make a child support payment. They probably didn't even know that she was supposed to pay. But now that there's a possibility that the Ex wife could be getting something she's trying everything she can to manipulate me. It's not working and she's getting frustrated.

She's trying to push my buttons and it's not working... So she pushes harder...

Based on how many misspelled words there were.... it's my DD.

I just wonder where she sent it from? Do they have internet access at the Salvation Army? It wouldn't surpize me if my ex took her to the public library just so she could send the email.


If the ex is frustrated that the buttons she's pushing now aren't getting the response she wants... I can't wait until Monday or Tuesday when she finds out I filed a counter suite for the back child support.

Here's what that will look like:

Amazin:

Amazin's WW:

I think despite any niceness you are entitled to watch her writhe in agony (and take pleasure in observing how bad she's got it.)

I can see that happening. We also have a family member whose writing always makes it crystal-clear whether or not help was given in putting words on a page...

tl

Hey Pep...

Any words of wisdom, or advice?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do - call the social worker back (the one who came to your home) and say:

"I'd like you to look at this letter sent by my daughter and tell me what you think of it."

Get it IN your official file - this makes you more transparent to the social worker --- rather than having the social worker discover the letter in another way.

This will bite XW hard in the rear - patience my friend.

How so? Or... How will this bite her in the rear? The social worker already finished her investigation. I got a letter in the mail that said the charges were unfounded....

Isn't that email from DD15 a violation of the protection order?

Don't you think it is possible that XW and DD15 are trying to get you to violate that order?

No. The order was modified. DD can contact me or come and see me. I just can't initiate it. DD can come back home if she wants. DD has to go to counseling for two months then we are both supposed to go together for another month.


I'm sure they would love for that to happen.

In a way I see it as the walls are crumbling in on the two of them and they're getting desperate. Ex wife is trying anything she can to control the situation. Including manipulating DD and trying to drive a bigger wedge between us.

Absolutely genius.

Amazin, since she initiated the contact. Can you reply to her via email and say "I love you, DD15" ??

I know it had to hurt - like the others have said, she is being manipulated. Stand strong with the "I love you, DD15"

You don't need to explain, you don't need to fight back at the ex through her, just love her and any opportunity you have to let her know, take it.

Once this thing with her mother is through, she is really going to need that and it will help her identify who the actual enemy is.


Amazin

Fox

That's a good question. I'd have to ask my lawyer.


Yes it hurt. I know she's being manipulated and used. I'm not going to put her in the middle or try and use her to get back at the Ex wife. I'd like to tell her how much I love her but I don't think she'd recieve it right now.

She may not LOOK like she receives it, but every little girl needs to know her daddy loves her. Right now, just the three words are enough. Later.....when all of this is behind you, you can tell her how much.

Those three words will be WITH her, no matter how much she tries to bury it.

Hugs to you, Amazin. Our children don't realize just how deeply those words hurt us. Just as her words are hitting you, yours will hit her - make them positive.

She will regret all of this someday. If she knows your love still stands, she will come to you.

Fox

Thanks Fox.

I appreciate the encouragement.

And now another episode of... Days of our Lives...

Ex wife called the child advocate lawyer and she called my lawyer. Ex is whining and crying because she's staying at the Salvation Army and doesn't get paid until March 1st. (On January 27th she was supposed to get her first check around February 10th.) I'm sure on the hearing date of March 5th she wont get her first check until March 20th.

Well... She's wallowing in the stinky Sh*tty mess that she got herself into...

So was that her trying to get the lawyers to make you give her money? Didn't work, did it? Just checking.

Oh, I want to second and triple and quadruple wh's thought that your daughter needs to hear ILY from you in each and every which way you can figure out how to do it. No, you won't get a response from her. Not now. But in 5 months when she's ready to pull her hair out cos of mom, when high school life is intolerable because of her situation, she'll be needing to believe it. Be creative. Find ways to let her know you're thinking of her.

And 10 years from now, you KNOW you'll be the one she hangs all over, too.

btw, you did great!

I hear ya loud and clear... Only problem is I've kinda got my hands tied. I can't initiate any contact with her. And the only contact she's made with me since Dec 27th was a nasty email that said she didn't want to see me ever again and not to ever contact her or she'll call the cops.

I do love her and I care about her. But I'm kinda stuck with what I got right now. If she gives me the opportunity I'll let her know that I love her.



Not yet anyway... My lawyer left a message for the child advocate attorney. He said she'll probably call him tomorrow. After he talks to her he said he'll call me.


I'm sure I'm not required to do anything yet... but my lawyer may advise me to give her a pittence for DD's benefit.

I guess I'll see tomorrow.

WHAT?!?!

I don't like that one bit. If DD needs money for food, etc. and needs to live in a HOME - she knows where she has one.

Giving the ex money to enable her bad choices is terrible. That would be teaching DD quite the lesson.

Is ex giving you money for your older daughter that is back with you?

I hate that the lawyers/courts are asking you to be a doormat.

Fox

I know it sucks...

But I'm sure if we end up in court on a custody battle... She'll milk it for all she can get.... "I was in a shelter and Amazin did nothing to care for his poor helpless abused starving daughter... We had to beg for bread in the streets. We got lice in the rat infested shelter and had to be de-loused. And I can't get a job that requires me to stand... or sit..." (I guess that only leave lying on your back)

No kiddin... she told me 5 years ago the reason she quite her truck driving job was because she couldn't sit on her butt for a long time.... But everytime I see her that's exactly what she's doing... Sitting on her Fat A$$...

I've been thinking ex wife needs a nick-name... And I finnaly came up with one.... Java the Hut... From the Star Wars movies.

What this shows is that a "mother" puts her child through these things for the sake of money for herself.

There is no reason DD cannot return to you where she will taken care of appropriately.

DD has had the offer to come home, right?

Choices, we all make choices.

You are the ex's ex - you are not responsible for her anymore. If she can't get a job - too damn bad. That's isn't your problem.

I would hope that a court would see this for exactly what it is - and I think they will.

Yes... She knows she can come home any time... It's in the temporary order.


I Absolutly Agree!!! .... But in Java's pea brain she thinks everyone else is responsible for her wellbeing... (the goverment, her friends, her family.... they're supposed to be taking care of her right?)


I hope so... My lawyer said.... "Putting the child in the middle of a support battle is a factor in a custody situation"

And that's exactly what Java is doing...

BTW... I see you like the new nickname

A pittance won't be enough. It will just serve to whet Java's appetite for others to take care of her.

May I suggest you offer some things for DD15 .... FOOD or CLOTHING or BLANKETS or TOILETRIES and never ever offer cash.

A big basket of food.
A basket of soap, shampoo, cream, hair brush , toothpaste, a mirror, etc.
Some new inexpensive clean clothing - sweat pants, T shirts , sweat shirt, socks and sneakers.
A new sleeping bag. A new pillow.
And, books, lots and lots of books.

NO CASH

One of the things that's stuck with me most of my life is watching stories on the news, or reading about, people who are separated, and they write each other letters. They may never receive the letters, at least not until later - and then they get the whole bundle of unmailed letters, but you have no idea the emotional connection it can have. Long ago, I found my mom's 'diary' - a couple boxes FULL of pages that she had written over the year. I never forgot about them, and when she moved into a retirement community 2 years ago and she had to pare down, I jumped at the chance to get those boxes! Not quite the same thing, but the point is that knowing a loved one's innermost thoughts...it's just amazing.

How about writing your D a letter every day, and just saving it for her? At some point, she will be ready to reach out to you. If she has a record of what you went through during this period...it can only be heartwarming and bonding for her.

*gasp!* A kindred spirit!

PB, I'm known as the book lady, cos I give books as gifts for everyone, every occasion!

I was thinking the same thing! Every time you see a sale, pick up some stuff for your D. Start stuffing boxes full of stuff to give her whenever you get the chance. Or if they come and say you have to help her, whip out one of the boxes of boxed/canned food.

Good Idea Pep...

I'll suggest that to my lawyer tonight and he can pass that on to the Child advocate. If DD needs anything I'd be more than willing to supply any of the things you've just suggested.

When H and I were going to BILY meetings we were taught how to meet our son's basic needs while NOT funding his bad behavior choices.

Son would howl: "I need cash to buy food for lunch at school." (He was buying smokes & drugs, I knew he was)

Me: "I'll pack your lunch."

Son: "That's lame."

Me: "Not if you're hungry."

Son: "Just give me the money."

Me (now starting to get peeved): "There is food in the kitchen, make your own lunch."

Son: "You don't care if I starve!"

Me: "There is food in the kitchen, make your own lunch."

Then - son stomped into the kitchen - THREW open the freezer and took out a whole raw frozen chicken and tossed it into his backpack. He was glaring at me as if to say "I'll show you!". Then he went out front to wait for the van (his ride).

I had to turn my face I was starting to laugh as I imagined the chicken starting to thaw during school

Son left the house and must have had second thoughts about his chicken, because he came back in the house and threw "his lunch" back in the freezer.

Me: "Have a good day at school."

Son slams door on his way out.

Another Good Idea! The mens group at my church did something like this. It's called "Letters From Dad"

Letters From Dad.

LOL.... Too funny....

I had a simular situation when we were living on Base in New Orleans. They had built a charter school on base. It was the first public charter school on a military base in the U.S. The principle was a retired marine Female colonel and was a stickler for "The Rules"... It was a law in Louisiana that if a child didn't have a lunch then the school was required to provide one and then they would bill the parents.

We made our kids take their lunch to school. DD's figured out that if they conveniently lost their lunch on the way to school then they would get whatever was on the hot lunch menu for that day. The school sent me a bill. I wasn't to happy. I called the school and told them not to do that any more. They said they have to because it's the law. I refused to pay... The principle complained to the Family Advocacy councel on Base. I told them that we buy all the things that DD's need to for a bag lunch and if they forget to make one then they can wait until they get home to eat. I even went on to tell them that in the history of humanity... there has never been a doccumented case of someone starving to death in 8 hours. If DD's were too lazy to make a lunch then there were concequences for their actions. If they threw thier lunch away ... same concequences... they stayed hungry until dinner.

Needless to say.... they didn't get hot lunches at school after that. LOL

GREAT idea, Pep! That ought to appease everyone except for Java - and who gives a rip about her?

You sound good, Amazin. Keep that up.



Fox

Thanks Fox.

I feel pretty good.

I met a girl at my divorce care group yesterday. She has been married 35 years I think??? A long time anyway. Her husband is about to get run over by a Karma Train... I'd even say he's tied to the tracks with no hope of excape. He left her for a younger woman. This guy had a six figure salary and never went to college. He got in on the ground floor of a company and it got built up to a billion dollar buisness.

His affair partner... The daughter-in-law of the owner....... :twobyfour:
Needless to say he is no longer employed at the company... :crosseyedcrazy: his six figure cushy job ... Gone... Now he's selling used cars in this economy... And not doing too well. The wife said he's supposed to pay her 1900 a month and he's only taking home 1700... He's been forced to sell all six of his Harley's ... Poor thing...


The OW must be supporting him... I'm sure that's going to last.... It's a time bomb waiting to implode...

It gives me hope that the karma bus is comming for my WW... I guess some of us just have to be a little more patient than others.

Java the Butt?

tl

Funny thing that when someone is left to their own devices they tend to end up in free-fall and the bottom is the only thing in sight that can break their fall.

Even the ones who thought they were flying find the THUD at the bottom eventually...

Even those who seem to make it to the end have to answer for what they have done.

Mark

Do you mean is the OW Java???

Or is Java the Butt another nickname?

My ex is definatly not the OW... She's more like a welfare queen. Not the type of girl that a capitalist would even consider.

True... so true... Sooner or later... They have to answer for their actions.

Well, you said she claimed to be unable to work as a driver because she couldn't sit for long, and yet now all she was doing was reposing on her donkey. (I paraphrase. ) So I thought Java the Butt might be appropriate under the circumstances.

tl

Gotcha... Too funny...

My hearing for child support was at 8:30 this morning.

Hmmm..... should I keep ya'll in suspense?

Naa...

Bottom line... after calculating how much Java owes me and how much child support I would have to pay Java until my DD-15 graduates high school...

Java still owes me money....

So for now I donʼt have to pay any child support. Itʼs looking like Iʼm not going to pay any at all. And Java is still going to have to make payments to me. I have another hearing on June 9th. The Domestic Relations Office is going to request that Texas transfer jurisdiction to Pennsylvania. Then on June 9th we should come to some sort of agreement on how much Java should pay me....


I'm sure Java is just steaming right now. I'm sure she thought she was going to have a great big payday.

Nope.... Not hardly...

Great to hear how it worked out! And, even though you won't have to pay her, she'll still have to pay you back at least some of what she owes you. Congrats!

THUD....................

So glad to hear the update. Your story is extremely satisfying to read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Yahoo!! What a [censored]...

Java and DD-15 are starting to reap the fruits of the seeds they've sown...

And they're not going to like it.

Java said she was getting an apartment on the 19th. I sure hope she wasn't counting on a great big check from me to pay her deposit, first and last months rent and etc... I wonder if her plans have changed?

I don't want to see DD-15 suffer. But the temporary order says she can come back to my home anytime she wants to. She has chosen not to.... Her choice Not mine.

Pride and stubborness is an awful hard thing to swallow I guess.

Send DD15 "stuff" ... not money but lots of books and inexpensive clothing and toiletries. Nothing her mother could sell.

Thanks Pep. I'm still kind of between a rock and a hard place there. I'll ask my lawyer if I can do it. The temporary orders say I can't initiate communication with her. And quite honestly I'm not sure where I would send it. Java just has a P.O. box for an address.


Well Java is still stirring up her crap...

Yesterday I was taking a nap at about 3 in the afternoon. My cell rang and it was Java's phone. I ignored it and turned my ringer off. Immediately the home phone rang...I knew it was Java again. My DD-17 answered brought the phone to me but I acted like I was hard asleep. I didn't want to talk to Java. Same thing again at 3:45. A little later I got up... DD-17 said that DD-15 called. (It was her on Java's phone) Apparently she wanted to tell me off and say how terrable of a father I am because her mom still owes me money. She left a short message calling me a F-ing coward. Java told DD-15 everything that happened yesterday. She doing everything she can to drive a wedge between DD-15 and me. Telling her all about the child support etc... Apparently since Java didn't get any child support money yesterday she can't move into the apartment like she wanted. And of course she put's her spin on it to make it all my fault.

I get so sick of her in-ability to accept any responsability for her situation. It's alway someone elses fault that she's in the situation she's in.

What does DD17 tell DD15?

I'm not sure...

DD-17 was upset yesterday because of the spin that Java puts on everything. And DD-15 believes every word of it. I did the best I could to tell DD-17 the truth without bad-mouthing her mom. I explained that her mom owes $18,000 in back child support. I tried to explain that DD-17 and DD-15 shouln't be put in the middle of this... that it was between me and her mother. But her mother keeps dragging them in the middle. She's using them... I think DD-17 will eventually see it for herself. It's hard for kids to understand or see it for what it really is.

Hopefully one day they'll see the truth.

Man! It so nice to see a little justice! Congrats on the financial outcome, Amazin.

DD15 - I think is trying desperately to hang on to a mother she barely knows. And WANTS to know. She WANTS the fairy tale mother and is trying so hard to find that.

You know she won't. However, it will be a HUGE struggle for her to find that out on her own.

It will take time.

Java will be who Java is, DD15 will eventually see it.

If you can, I would send the items as Pep suggested - keep reaching out (within the law) - let DD17 know that you are willing to do this if DD15 wants.

Java and DD15 will crash, I have no doubt. But like waywards, we must step back and let it happen without us. Picking up the pieces after it happens.

DD15 WILL need you eventually. And, like a wayward, she will need to return humbled.

I have faith that it will happen, and that your relationship with DD15 will be for the better once that happens.

Might be a year yet, before Java flies the coop again to avoid CS, but she WILL leave and DD15 won't be going with her.

Hang in there, Amazin. You are doing well.

Fox

Amazin, I have been following your story since the beggining of this thread.

You should write a book my freind

I have no good advice to give you, your already doing everything I could come up with to do. All I can do is hope the best for you.

However, there is one thing that is driving me nuts.
It's Jabba the Hutt, not Java.
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jabba_Desilijic_Tiure

Java is a software platform from Sun Microsystems
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Java_(software_platform)

Java is also a type of Coffe
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Java_coffee

Sorry, I know it's a knight-Picky thing. But as a huge fan of Star-Wars, I had to make you aware of it.

Besides, calling your Ex a type of coffe or a computer program just is not insulting enough.

Call her EW. (Earthworm)

Jabba is a wormlike creature, right?

I also am a Star Wars fan. WAIT WAIT!

I JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA!

CALL HER GREEDO!

How 'bout Jabba the _lut?

I think you may be trying to protect your daughters unnecessarily, at your own expense. I think you need to tell DD17 the truth about the child support Ex-W didn't pay--for years, no less--and that the court determined that what you owe her now, and will owe in the future, is less than her delinquency. Surely there's a way to say that without trash-talking. It's the truth, and I think your daughters need to know it. If big Sister learns and believes the truth, I can pretty much guarantee (girls being what they are), that little Sister will hear it, too. If that makes eventual trouble for Ex-W, that's her problem.

tl

ITA

LG... Gotcha ... Jabba... LOL

I wasn't that into Star Wars...



TL... I totally agree.... Yesterday I did my best to explain to DD-17 that her mom is $18,000 behind without trash talking her. And that's why I don't have to pay right now. We had a pretty long discussion about it. I just gave it to her straight.

Amazinomics: trickle-down enlightenment. Good for you!

tl

What up, Amazin?

Well...

I really don't like this new format for the forum. That's for sure.

Just more of the same. Ex wife and DD-15 are still stiring up crap. They didn't get a victory from the abuse accusations... and ex wife didn't get the child support she was wanting.... so they've filed another complaint with the local police... for harassment and simple assault...

I'm just tired of the crap...

I bought DD-15 some things from walmart that the other day. Underwear, bra's, socks, a couple of shirts, a pez dispenser, candy bar, soda... About $85.00 worth of stuff.

Other than that... it's the same ole same ole...

Well... I got a certified letter today.

WW has filed for divorce.

I know the title of this thread is ... "I'm Done. Plan-D" But the disapointment and the failure of my marriage still hurts.

What happened to the harassment report?

Sorry about the filing. If she had to leave, better that it is done early.

My attorney seems to think it will either get thrown out or reduced to disorderly conduct. (It's about the equivelant of a traffic ticket)

The filing... She's been gone since January of last year. I wouldn't exactly say that it was done early.

I'm tired of the legal crap... one after another... They seem to want to kick me when I'm down. I want get it over with so I can move on. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.

Amazin,

Just wanted to let you know you are doing a great job.

Just keep up what you are doing for DD15.

Right now you have to concentrate on being the best dad you can be and keeping away from anything that would make you look bad.

You are doing well.

I hope others will chime in here and encourage you.

You have a tough situation, at best. Your daughters were abandoned by their mother for so long, and now she is here. They just want a good mom, they don't get it yet.

But they will if you can keep taking the high road. They will know who kept their best interest at heart, and who really cares. That will be you.

It will come back to you.

I encourage you to keep on the high road, as you have been.

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thank you Miss M.

I appreciate the encouragement.

Ditto to what Miss M said. Amazin... you really are amazin.

Keep your head up and stay up there on that high road.

ITA with Miss M also.

I think you know their game, Amazin. Their plan is to work together and simply wear you out. They are waiting for you to give in.

Don't let them do it to you.

Take each day as it comes. There WILL be an end.

You are a strong, intelligent, caring man.

Hold strong and steady. You are doing the right thing. Your children will see that one day.

I don't really know what to say about the divorce filing - offer sympathies or congratulations?

It was HARD, HARD, HARD to get through, but such a relief when it was over. I am much better off now than continuing with WxH as he was.

Either way, KNOW that you have not failed. There are some things that we just have no say over.

Chin up, my friend.

Fox

When I think of your D who stays with your mom, I think of the daughter of the president on this season's 24. Do you watch it? She seems nice, but there's this undercurrent of...not nice? Hard to explain.

Anyway, I think if you double up your effort to make sure she always sees the high road from you, that it may eventually rub off on her. She may reach a point where she consciously makes a choice to be like you, and not like her mom.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks PM.

Thanks WH.

I'm tired of the legal crap and it hasn't even gotten started.

I feel like I'm fighting 3 people at once and it sucks.

WW is asking for the world... Alimony, Spousal support, division of marital assets, and wants me to pay her legal fees ....

What a bunch of bull hockey.

I don't watch 24. If I watch T.V. it's usually the History Channel or the Discovery Channel.

I'm trying with my DD-15. But at times I feel like the best effort I can manage... is to do nothing that would make things worse. KWIM?

I'm sure at times my silence is mis-construed as "He doesn't care"

I think this has been mentioned before, but IIWY, I'd be writing D15 a letter each and every day. Or at least every week. And mailing them. She may not want them now, but I GUARANTEE just the fact that you are reaching out that way will have a profound effect on her.

The judge will see through and recognize it as bull hockey, too. Be calm and reasonable and lay out your reasons why it should be done your way. She can ASK for anything, that doesn't mean she will get it.

Make sure your attorney has your back.

They WANT you to feel like you are fighting 3 people at once. They are attempting to break you down - neither WW nor exW is strong enough to take you on alone. WW filed now because she thinks you will be distracted and she will not have to fight as hard.

Prove her wrong. Gain STRENGTH from her tactics. Let her THINK you are weakening and then knock her on her butt in court.

You CAN do this, Amazin.


Yup, I know what you mean about just not doing anything to make it worse. It's okay to lay low sometimes. They will mis-construe anything - you don't have power over that. Do what you can and when you need to rest, take a rest.

It will give her time to think. Your DD15 is too smart for her own good sometimes, just like my DD14 - but they have pretty quick little brains. They aren't dumb and will eventually see what is REALLY going on.

Have faith.

Fox

Catperson, I think it has been mentioned. I'll have to ask my lawyer about mailing her. I'm not supposed to initiate any communication. But she can and then I can respond.


Wildhorses,
Thanks, I know what you mean. I'm waiting to see what my lawyer has to say about everything. I faxed the divorce complaint to him this morning but he hasn't gotten back to me yet.

(((((((Amazin))))))))

Oh boy.....

sorry to hear about the latest development...And while you may be down, you are DEFINATELY not out....(hmmmm, massage anyone????)

YOu are doing a great job all around (how are things with your other daughter and son, btw???)....with all that you have been handed and dealt with, this may actually a good thing for you, so you no longer have to be in limbo.....

How are YOU doing???

and

what are you doing for YOU????

You know the drill, keep you head up and chest out.....

and know that you have a whole community of people here that know you have done your best.....

not2fun

Well, I've heard of people who aren't allowed to communicate with someone (like lovers whose parents keep them apart, dads whose exes keep them from their kids, etc.), and they still write the letters, they just hold on to them themselves until the day they're allowed to pass them along. It would give your D15 a good insight into YOU, your thoughts and feelings, your love for her, all that jazz.

No matter when she gets them, it will mean a world of difference.

CP,

That's a good idea. And I think I may have heard it here before.

They had something simular at my Church called "Letters from Dad".

Good Morning,

I haven't posted for a while so I thought I'd give an update.

Hmmm where do I start? How about the week before easter.

I went to court for the harrasment/simple assuault charges. It was reduced to disorderly conduct. (The equivalent of a traffic ticket) I would have prefered that it get thrown out. But... This isn't bad either. It's done and over with, I won't have to keep spending money on a lawyer for this and I don't have a mistemenor on my record. One legal battle down two more to go.

Easter Sunday after church I went out to eat with a couple. While I was there my phone began to ring. It was Jabba. I decidied I'm not going to answer that.... it'll ruin my lunch. Well she kept calling and calling. Finally she stared sending me text messages.

"Please Call"

"You have permission to come over"

"DD-15 wants to see you"

Finally DD-15 called. She said she wanted to come over and spend the night. She said the her and Jabba got in a fight that morning and Jabba told her she had two choices to go back and live with Dad or mom would drop her off at the mental hospital. (Like she could just drive up a dump her there???)To make a long story short.... I don't think DD-15 is ready to come home yet. She needs to be begging to come home, and willing to follow the rules. Otherwise it's going to be just like it was in December. Nothing will have changed.

Well I went a picked DD up and let her spend the night Sunday. On Monday I picked her up and took her out for a ride and some ice cream.

I didn't think about this until after.... The week before Easter was spring break. DD-15 didn't have school and Jabba didn't have to work. They got to spend a lot of one-on-one alone time together. Probably the most they've had since this started. It was just a matter of time before the fur started flying. Jabba is getting a taste of the smart mouthed rebellious teenager that I was dealing with. And DD-15 is finding out that life with mom isn't all peaches and cream. The two of them are so alike that I'm surprized it took this long.

Later that week Jabba took DD-15 to the doctor for a cough. She didn't have the money for the prescription so I went and got it for her along with some pharmisuedicals. When I went to drop it off I called for them to come out and get it. Jabba asked me to bring it up and said "You need to come up here and talk to your daughter". I went up and Jabba said that DD-15 just got out of the shower with wet hair and was about to come out-side to get the prescription when Jabba said "No your hair is wet, and you're sick. You don't need to go outside." I guess DD-15 didn't like that answer and got real smart mouthed with mom. Jabba wanted me to have a talk with her and be the "Disciplinarian".

So....I knocked on DD-15's bedroom door... when she answered I said "here's your medicine.... I love you (Gave her a hug)... Gotta go....And I started to leave.

Jabba wasn't happy.... As I was walking out she said "gee let me get my note pad out and take some parenting notes...."

LOL... Sorry Jabba.... being a parent is hard.... You can't call me to be the "bad guy" everytime YOU need to discipline.

Hmmm.... What else...

On Thursday I went to the dentist... After I got back to the office my cell phone began to ring. It was DD-15 calling from school. she wanted to know if she could come over after school. I told her I didn't mind but I'd have to talk to her mother. I asked if her and Jabba were getting along. She said no... That they were having fights all the time. I told her she couldn't keep running from her problems and that there are consequeces for her choices. I told her I'd talk to her mom and let her know about comming over.

After I hung up I noticed that Jabba had called a couple of times while I was at the dentist. When I called her she said that DD-15 had skipped school and got caught by the police. She got dropped off at school and that Jabba may have to pay a truency fine. I told her that DD-15 called and wanted to come over after shcool. I also told her that I didn't think it was a good idea. That going from mom to dad when she's in trouble isn't helping anything as a matter of fact it will make things worse. DD-15 needs to face the music and not try and run away from it by comming over to dads.

After I got off of the phone with Jabba DD-15 called again. I told her what her mom said about skipping school, the police and the fine. I told her that I would love for her to come over. But running to dad everytime you're in trouble with mom isn't going to work. There are consequences for your choices and I'm not going to protect you from those consequences. You neeed to deal with them.

Friday... I get a text message from Jabba that says DD-15 skipped school again. A little later I get a phone call from DD-15 from a neighbors phone. She wanted to come over and spend the night. I asked her if she was at school. Of course she said no. I asked why? She said she missed the bus. (Sure you did) I told her she needed to call her mom and tell her she missed the bus and that she needed a ride to school. DD-15 got real quiet and I could tell that DD-15 didn't want to deal with her mom. She said that the court order said she could come over any time and she wanted to come over. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea for her to come over right now. That she was just running away from having to deal with her mom. (I could tell that she was starting to cry.)

I had a long talk with her. I told her that she needed to deal with her mom. I told her not to escalate things if her mother was yelling or getting ugly. That only makes things worse. She told me a lot of other things as well. Like she's only been to one counseling session... and that was with a social worker at the Salvation Army. DD-15 said she wanted to start going to counseling with me. I told her I would find a counselor so we could start going together. (Big change in attitude since last November.) She also told me a buch of other stuff about her mom, how she was acting and what she was saying... That her mom keeps threatening to send her to live with me... That mom keeps telling her "I gave up my life and my job for you and to do this..." etc etc etc....

I took it all that with a grain of salt. DD-15's past actions lead me to believe it's exaggerated or false. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her so she doesn't have to deal with her choices. (Just like her mom)

A while back DD-15 told me... "It's you dad... You're the one with problems." I think she is slowly comming to the conclusion that "It's her". She's had problems with my WW, with me and now with mom... It can't be all of us... Hopefully she's starting to take a hard look at herself.

Jabba is finally seeing what I was dealing with... She needs to reap the fruit of the seeds she's sown. And just maybe... She'll realize that DD-15 has been manipulating her and this whole situation...



Wow... What a long post! I'll have to start posting more frequently.

Anyway, That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thanks for the update.

Have I ever recommended the website www.daughters.org? I think you would get a whole lot of good from it. I did.

Treating her the way you did was spot on. Total honestly, showing the logic of what's happening, discussing consequences, asking her to think things through and to see what happens when she does one thing or another.

Good news on the counseling! I guarantee your D15 will benefit, if you find a good one.

Thanks CP.

I'll check out the web site.

I looked at that website and I don't think that's the right address.

I think this is it... http://www.daughters.com/

Hi you

Back atcha!

How's things?

Good!

Today is a wonderful day.

That's just too darn funny!

You knew the fights between them would start - DD15 probably has a different view of her mother now. It's too bad her mother is like that, but good that she is able to see what her mom is really like instead of having a fantasy and want to escape to mom when things dont' go her way at your house.

How are things now?

Any other updates?

Fox

How have things been with you, Amazin? Haven't heard from you in awhile (well, other than the "What's Wrong With Women" thread and I wasn't going THERE!)

Anything to share or vent about?

Fox

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!!

{{{{{{Amazin}}}}}},

HOW the heck are YOU? You didn't honestly think you could get away with all that bumping and NOT give us an update?????.....

Good to see ya, my friend....

NOW SPILL the BEANS !!!!!


not2fun

QUIT BUMPIN' and START SPILLIN'!!!!!!....

What beans? ...

Nothing's really changed with the divorce. Like my thread say's... I'm done.

My brother in law told me that WW is engaged to affair partner #2 and wants to get married on 10/10/10...

Isn't that just so sweet....

I'm trying to keep from having to send her a check every month for the rest of my life.

It's not over yet... but here's how I think it's going to turn out... PA won't have jurisdiction over my retirement (But that just means she has to go to Iowa, get another atorney and file for my retirement) ... and after dividing assets and debts in PA she'll owe me... at which point she'll finally come to the barganing table... I'm hoping that she'll relinquish all rights and claims to my retirement... And I'll assume all the debt that she dumped on me.

I think I'm in the cat-bird seat... she wants to have this overwith by October... I'm in no hurry... (As far as she knows)

Hmmm what else... How bout ex wife... Jabba the Hut...

Hi friend, you've been missed.

How is your daughter?

Jabba the hut is as usless as t!ts on a Bull.

She started all that legal crap a little over a year ago. And it back-fired on her. Now she's paying on the $18,000 in back child support that she owes me. (mess with a Bull ya get the horn)

She left town and got a over the road truck driving job and hasn't really been back since.

Hi Pep!

Ok... Daughter.... patience...I'm typing as fast as I can...

Well well well ... ain't that a kick in the pants !

Amazin- although I don't know you, I want to thank you for bumping all of those useful threads. There are some in there that I have now bookmarked for future use.

Thanx

DD-16... soon to be 17....

I had to see when my last post was.... May of last year...

Well... Jaba coundn't handle DD... and she finally said "Uncle" and at that point DD came back to live with me...

DD continued to have problems... She eventually ended up in juvenile detention last August and spent about 20 days there. (She should have been there sooner) She got out of detention, and was placed on probation, and sent back to live with me. Within a week of being relesed she got caught stealing $282.00 in clothes from the mall. (It was so she could cover up a lie about where she spent the money she earned for school clothes.) And she got caught smoking pot... and drinking alcohol...

Did the Juvenile probation department take her back to detention you ask.... NO!!!!

She kept getting in trouble, lieing to her probation officer, smoking cigarettes, And I kept finding drug paraphenillia in her room. She ened up back in juvenile detention in October.

November 25th they sent her to a juvenile home for kids who have behavioral problems... ODD, ADHD, etc...

She's still struggleing... But... I can say she is getting better.

No problem...

Oh.
Been there.
Done that.
It really hurts when your kid goes way off track.
And, sometimes, there is nothing you can do about it but provide boundaries and then ... wait & hope & pray.
And stay out of God's way.

We're going through something similar ourselves.
The major difference is, ours is no longer a minor.
He's on his own to live his life his way.
So far, it is not working out so well.
He's an alcoholic who doesn't think is is.
Sad.

Yes it does hurt. But... I am seeing little glimmers of hope. She came home for Christmas weekend... And got caught shoplifting again. So her probation officer put the kabash on her home visits for a while. (When you screw up your punishment needs to hurt or you won't learn anything from it...) And by the time she came home for another visit it was March 6th... And she was ready... She was tired of being at the Home.

But alas... somehow she got some pot and took it back to the campus... and got caught... (She's not a very good criminal... she seems to get busted every time.)

Doesn't look very hopeful does it... but I see learning taking place.... she understands that she can't blame her behavior on anyone but herself...

And.... I have also had some day visits with her... In the past when I said "no" or if she didn't get her way she would get extreamly angry...beligerent... verbally abusive... etc... On one of the day visits I told her NO to something insignificant... and she got upset... but... she controlled herself... she didn't get beligerant... or abusive.... and I saw that as progress...

I'm sorry about your son. But.... Look at the bright side... If I had a kid in your situation... I'd want a mom like Pepperband to be there. You're strong, you've delt with this before and you're educated about it. You're not starting from square one... as apposed to some parents who are uneducated en-ablers... or worse contributing.

I think we've talked before about this... And if memory serves me... the discussion was about boundaries...

Yes it hurts to see your child act in a self destructive harmful way... but all you can do is set the boundary... not be an en-abler, and give them the tought love that they need.

And I'm pretty sure your good at that.

Good to see you!

Glad things are going sorta well.

Sorry that DD is still acting out. She will learn, it might just take some time.

So have you been dating? That is the only reason I can possibly dream of for being gone from here for almost a whole year!

Glad to see you too Believer...



Things aren't great... but I think they're moving in the right direction.





Well... If you must know...

Okay, that is good. Just curious, because our MB men go like hotcakes once they are divorced. And there are a lot of them who quit posting once they find a new woman.

You are doing things the right way, and many blessings to you. You are a good man and I have very high expectations.

That being said, I DO love juicy gossip.

Well I guess the only thing that I can say about my prolonged abscense...

It's been a very rough year for me... I felt like I was fighting two women at once while my daughter was lobbing hand granades in the middle of the fracus.

I got burnt out and depressed. I just felt drained and beat down. But I'm feeling better now and I'm comming out of it.

Glad to hear that. It has been a rough year. But spring is almost here (at least in California) and life goes on.

I'm soooooo glad to hear that!!!!......How's your faith and relationship with God holding up?

And B's right, those MB divorcee's don't last long.... HOWEVER, I'm glad to hear your staying true to yourself....though it sounds like you've had enough drama going on without adding another woman to the mix!!!!....

Hey I was on the phone with Lala today. I told her of your appereance. She and W2S say hi and send their love.....

Now don't be such a stranger.....

not2fun

See... I spill the beans... make all those post's... then I turn around and look....

And not2's gone...

BTW... Nice to see you too...

And you're right... I have too much drama with the women in my life.... adding another right now might be a disaster.

KWIM?

I always think of "grace" when I see your name.

God bless!

I think Amazon...

Hi Kayla!

Hi Karma!

Hi Amazin.

Hello all!

Just thought I'd touch base after a prolonged absence. Nothing's changed. It's been 4 years this month and 3 years in March since she filed for divorce. Hopefully the divorce will be finalized in the next 4-6 months.

Wow, Amazin! An anesthetized sloth could hardly have moved any slower than this divorce. How's your daughter doing, or am I mixing up my stories?

tl

I know!

We were married 6 1/2 years before she left and the divorce is going on 4 years plus.

Ridiculous!!! But the reason the divorce is taking so long is because...

1. Pennsylvania has a 2 year waiting period for disputed divorces.

2. I had preliminary objections to Pennsylvania having any jurisdiction over distribution of my military retirement. (Which I won!)

My Daughter is doing better. She's got a job at costco. She's still in school but just by a thread. If she doesn't get her Sh*t together she's not going to graduate this spring.

BIG HUGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Pepper! Big Hugs to you too....

I was just re-reading my thread. I guess it doesn't really say much about my current situation and my WW.

As a newbie, I'm almost afraid to read your thread. That being said, so glad you are in a better place.

Well I read it and all I can say is Wow! For you to go through what you have and still come back here is just like your name states....Amazin!!!

Good luck to you!

GJM I have another thread on here about my soap opra situation called "Back to our program The Guiding Light"

The Guiding Light

Tiger: I was going to say that I was in a different place... not necessarily a better one.

But upon reflection, things aren�t as bad as they were 3 years ago and they are getting better. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Reading your story and others is like reliving mine all over again. I'm sorry you have gone through all of this. I hope your happiness will come in the form of a loving Christian woman that shares the same values as you.

Pep... I was reading mortormans update thread and saw that your son went into the army as a medic. Awesome! Is this the same son that was having so many problems?

Same kid.
The kid who did not want anyone (us) telling him what to do .... IN THE ARMY !
And, doing well.

That's great!

My oldest son is leaving for Navy bootcamp in April. He's going to be an Aircrewman... AKA Loadmaster. He'll get to see the world if he makes it through the school.

My youngest daughter is doing better but still has issues. She has a job at costco and that keeps her time occupied... She's come a long way in the last 4 years but she still has a lot of maturing to do.

My middle daughter can't make up her mind what to do. She went to St. Louis to live with her mom in the fall, signed up for a medical sonography course... then when it didn't start soon enough moved back to PA. She was going to sign up for a different program but didn't. She's impatient and just wants to do something for the sake of doing something.

Does anyone know what happened to... or the status of....

Believer

Mark1952

Mimi

RIF

Wildhorses74

not2fun

???

I remember some of them. There are others who are gone now. There are thousands of posters who have come through this site. I think they heal and move on.

Good for them, if they have done so!

****edit****

Would you like to start a thread over in the Divorcing forum? I think we have more experience with custody and end of marriage issues. ((Amazin))

I'll think about it... I may just ask the moderators to move this thread there.

Welcome back Amazin....good to see you again. Did you ever get paid that $18,000 plus child support arrearage?


I went and checked and it appears you stopped posting in March, 2010. You just missed a big blow up on the forums that happened in April, 2010.

Not2fun, myself and a few others confronted and exposed the poster Larry as an OM - serial cheater who married his affair partner (3rd wife) who not so surprisingly cheated on him. He married such third wife 14 or so days after her divorce was final stealing her (and her two toddlers) away from her betrayed husband in Kentucky and relocating them to Texas. The betrayed husband fought for many years trying to get them back. The case went all the way to the Kentucky Supreme Court where Larry used his money, savvy and hired-gun lawyers and psychologists that never even met the BH to beat the BH in court. The conclusion of the confrontation on MB rests in this locked thread: Larry tries to shoot the messengers

What we didn't know at the time and I'm grossed out even mentioning it..it appears Larry is an accomplished erotica author as well. He apparently published several online stories just before the time he started his affair with his third wife (disturbingly a much younger woman with young children) which included explicit sexual contact by adult men with children. He APPARENTLY wrote under the pen name "The Observer [google asstr +"The Photographer's Daughter" if you think I'm making this up....warning alt.sex.stories contains sexually explicit material]

So what does that have to do with the posters you mentioned....

Well, it appears Mark, Believer and a couple others bought Larry's wayward justifications and rationalizations. The truth about their friend was too hard to swallow. Larry concocted some storyline whereupon our outing him was politically motivated somehow and mean. Instead of owning his behavior and explaining it he tried to make it all about our behavior. Typically gaslighting response to exposure. When that didn't work...(as we all know "wayward's lie")...they fortunately [some] AND unfortunately [some] moved on in protest.

Many of the others have just moved on over time. Not2fun stops by now and then and even Mark and I exchange pleasant emails now and then.

The good news is that since that big dust up...MB has really calmed down and focused. We've grown like crazy. The fights and constant meta discussions by those who sought [purposefully???] to disrupt and misdirect these forums are gone. MB is actually much more focused now on helping more people than ever confront and overcome infidelity in their marriages. With the support, guidance and direct assistance of Dr. Harley and his FREE radio show we are now experiencing growth of over 250 new registered members per month and we recently surpassed the 60,000 registered member total. Hits and unique visitors have gone through the roof since 2010. In fact, last week (Friday 1/20 to Friday 1/27) MB had over 2,500 posts and that was a slow week. Sure we used to have around that post count a few years ago (raw posts) but that was, to a large extent comprised of chit-chat, cliquey social posting and constant petty bickering over whose advice was the best, who is a real man, affair marriage arguments, troll discussions and who is recovered and who is not, etc. The forums are much more concentrated on MB principles now and nearly the entire post count is dedicated to actually helping people in desperate situations apply MB methods and restoring romantic love to their relationships. Dr. Harley and the Moderators have done a tremendous job.

I hope that helps explain things. The posters you mention, though some really nice wonderful helpful persons are part of a darker past when MB was about everything but MB. MB is moving forward and has been for quite awhile (almost 2 years now...wow).

Anyway...it's nice having you back. If you have any more questions about the past you can email me privately.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W, I don't believe that is why most of those posters (and others) have moved on. I'm confused as to why you would even state that so emphatically as if it's the truth?

Well that answers some questions. Larry.... disgusting. I think he even made a few post on my thread.

Well... I guess I have some splainin to do. (Why I'm back after a prolonged absence)

I'm not going to rehash my story so... If you've read this thread and my previous thread (Guiding Light) Then you'll have a pretty good background on my situation. I will say this... For the last 2 years I haven't had any comunication with my WW. I'm pretty sure she's changed her phone number, email and I know she's changed jobs. Short of knocking on her door I couln't communicate with her if I wanted to. Other than accidental sightings at the grocery store or passing on the road I haven't seen her.

I retired from the Military last summer. I only had one job offer and it was a one year contract in Afghanistan. I took it and started in September. Unfortunately the job didn't work out, and I was terminated. I felt bad about it on one hand but on the other I was somewhat relieved. I was very worried about leaving my troublesome 18 y.o. daughter at home without any supervision. (24 hours after I left she threw a party in my house.)

After I got back my attorney suggested that I submit a request to modify to the support order that I'm paying my WW. (Makes me sick to my stomach that I'm rewarding her for her bad behavior. I'm pretty bitter about it.)

We went in to the domestic relations office and couldn't come to an agreement. So a "Masters" hearing was scheduled. At the masters hearing I thought we had worked out a settlement to the divorce. But... Her and her attorney are just doing more of the same... stalling to get as much support money out of me before the divorce in finalized. (I couldn't look at her or talk to her at the hearing and she wouldn't or couldn't either.)

Anyway... Bottom line: For some reason after the masters hearing I went into a tailspin. I got real panicky about the non-binding verbal agreement that would finalize the divorce. I started longing to have her back. But at the same time I was extreamly mad and bitter. I guess I'm just in a state of confusion.

So there you have it....

Wow ....

((((( BIGGER HUGS )))))

My $.02

You are still grieving this loss. It feels confusing, but it's grieving nonetheless.

Amazin'

Did you happen to catch Mortarman's wonderful "doors & windows" post?

LINK to my thread about doors & windows

You can probably guess what my "door" is. It's health related.

Try checking your forehead for knots !

Thanks Pep. I guess I'm just needing some support.

She showed up at the masters hearning and notified us that she was fired from her job the previous day. (Pretty convienient.) Maybe I just have a problem comprehending how decietful, indifferent and cold she can be to someone she loved at one time.

Amazin, I am sorry this has been dragged out. I don't blame you for being upset. I am glad you are back for much needed moral support, my friend.

I haven't read it but I will.

I did go back this weekend and re-read my first thread and this one. That was helpful. Like re-reading an old journal. It reminded me of all the crap I've gone through over the last four years and what WW and ExW put me through.

She's an alcoholic.
She is not working the 12 steps.
No matter how many AA meetings she attends, she needs to be working the steps on a daily basis.
Unless she's made amends to you .... she's not a sober-clear-thinking woman who is safe for you to be around.

Thanks Mel.

I know pep. I doubt she's even trying to stay sober. There have been a few times in the last few years when I've seen her car parked outside the local bar. Her and her boyfriend are probably inside drinking it up on my dime.

Sometimes I get disgusted with the family court system and feel that there is no justice.

Sin changes people.
They become ugly.

link to discussion about sin

And that... (Integrity) goes against every fiber of my character. Integrity was strongly ingrained into my personality because of the military. That's what I have a problem with... Not just that she has no integrity but that I didn't see she didn't have any integrity.

She might have had integrity when you fell in love & married her.

I'm thinking not... She was a serial cheater long before I met her.

I'm so sorry you are up against it and apologize for dredging up past events on your thread.

As far as advice...personally I don't see how rereading and rehashing your old threads here is going to help you do anything more than wallow in the past.

This is a behavior modification website and that particular behavior sounds unhealthy.

What ACTIONS can you take today to move forward with your life?

If you are depressed...have you scheduled an appointment with a doctor? How's your weight? I hope I'm not coming off as trite but your STBXW is still doing a number on you and it's got to end.

Mr. Wondering

OK.
So you learned something, right?

You're a good man.
You're an honorable man.

Well... I've been fighting for 3 years to keep from having to pay her every month for life. At the masters hearing I verbaly agreed to give her a % of my military retirement. (Because my lawyer said it was a good deal) Afterwards I had second thoughts and a feeling that I just made a big mistake. Re-reading the thread just reminded me of all the crap she's put me through. It confirmed my feeling of making a mistake and that giving her anything is tantamount to rewarding her for bad behaviour. Nothing is written in stone so I may go into the hearing for division of assets (which are actually debts) and ask that she pay me her half of everything that I paid off.


Depressed... Probably...

Exhausted from worry, stress and all the crap I've been through in the last four years.... definately.

Oh yes... I learned something. Mistakes are a good thing. They should be a painful lesson. And the more painful the lesson the more it imprints on you so you don't do it again.

The other thing that would be good about re-reading my thread is... Time has a way of letting you look at things differently. At the time that I was going through all my crap I was probably emotionally un-able to look at things objectively. I probably didn't want to hear some of the truth and good advice that people on here were giving me. Looking at it again after time has passed I realize that a lot of the advice I was getting was right on the money.

I know the title to this thread is "I'm done. Plan-D" But I guess deep down inside I always had a little sliver of hope.

I didn't really do anything to change from plan B to plan D. Other than decide that if she filed for divorce I wouldn't fight the divorce. (fight for my military retirement yes...)

Like I said... We've had no contact for the last 2 years. Kinda like a realy dark plan B. I've been pretty bitter and resentful about the whole thing. So those feelings of wanting her back after repressing any feelings for her took me by surprize. And... at the same time I jumped at the first (and only) offer they made to settle the divorce. Which made me feel I just got steamrolled again.

To paint a word picture ... I feel conflicted.

It that normal?

8 years have passed for me and I'm STILL conflicted. So, yeah, I'd say it's normal.

No worries...from time to time I've read over my wife's first threads here on MB. I'd say that afterwards, I don't like it much. I coulda done things better. Second guessing yourself isn't productive because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it now. You did your best...you are a hero that stood up for yourself and your family. You went through the process and are (and will become) better for having gone through it.

I often see divorced betrayed husband's go through a bitter phase whereupon they question having put up a fight at all. I fear you'll read a couple naysayers that, no doubt, posted to you when you first arrived telling you to give up. Now it appears in hindsight...they may have been right, whereas at the time they were "hopecrushers". Such divorced persons say "Wow...if only I hadn't wasted two, three, four years of my life pursuing what I can so easily see now was a complete waste of time." I think the MB process helps alleviate that a little as it motivated you to move along the process (plan A then Plan B) as you became ready for each step. You weren't ready to divorce or give up at that time so what does it matter if the "advice" turns out right...now. In the end...YOUR family was THAT important to you....and WORTH IT the fight. It didn't work out (so it seems...Mortarman didn't work out either until the papers were nearly signed). OK, time to move on.

What's your plan for getting this divorce finalized?

What's your plan for the rest of your life?

YOU matter too. You're "Amazin"...and don't you forget it.

Mr. Wondering

Believe it or not, my XW paid it in full in one lump sum payment this fall. She got hurt on the job about a year and a half ago and recieved a big settlement.

Hopefully the divorce will be finalized this spring. I have a division of assets/debs hearing the first week of March.

Right now I'm looking for a job. Mostly been applying for Department of Defense jobs and railroad jobs. Hopefully I'll end up back in the midwest or on the gulf coast.

So you could end up in Michigan????

Raytheon has a website FULL of openings. If you've got Government Clearance already...you should be golden.

Mr. W

Does she acquire any arguable rights over your military benefits by the simple fact she made it 10 years married to you...despite the fact she left you 4 years ago?????


Mr. W

Retirement is based on time of separation.

12% does not include access to any base privelages or medical. That would be what is called a 20/20 spouse.

I doubt she's got 20/20 vision....

she's wayward blind.


[thanks GJM for clarifying]

Mr. W

There's severay ways to figure a %. But GJM is right. In this state the clock stops ticking when you separate. Not nessasarily true for all states thought.

The 10 year rule only applies to wether or not she can recieve direct payments from the government.

I won my preliminary objections to this state having jurisdiction over my military retirement. So she'll have to go to another state to get anything... Unless I agree to let this state distribute my pension.

And that would be just crazy...

Not letting this state distibute my pension just means she has to go to another state. If she's determined and has the money she can do it. It's just a hasle for her. My whole point of trying to deny this state jurisdiction was to force her to the negotiating table and get a better deal.

If she does go to another state I may not nessasarily get a better deal.

You have that in your favor then. I've been married for 13 years and it was calculated that my W would get 32% of my retirement. She waived it in our MSA (lucky for me).

MSA?

Marital Settlement Agreement. 4 months until divorce is final (unfortuneately).

(((Amazin))) So sorry you are having to still deal with that crap. I wondered what happened to you. I remember when you were going through the fire, but it sounds like you've got a better handle on things. I'm sorry you triggered so badly at the hearing but you know you don't need that kind of drama back in your life. A few of the old timers have left for whatever reason but there are still a lot of people here who helped you out back then and who are willing to continue to help. We have some amazing posters (including lots of GOOD Godly men) who would probably be willing to walk with you if you ask.

I really don't think you should switch over to the divorced thread yet because a lot of newbies could benefit from your thread here. Also, be careful about disclosing personal info because there are those who rarely (if ever) post that have proven to have ulterior motives. I suggest you email Mr. W to get more details.

Really glad you're back!

Thanks Meggy!


Do you think there was there anything I posted that was too specific or that might identify me?

I'm sorry you are still going through the rigors of divorce. I can't imagine the toll it has taken on you.

I just saw your thread and don't have time for a good post to you right now. Just wanted you to know I saw you and I'll be back tomorrow to catch up.

Take care, friend.

Thanks Fox.

Nice to hear from you.

---------------> just passing through.....



Not

Weird.

Not in the slightest, MB.....

Back when Amazin' and I were going through our journeys, Amazing' would "drive-by" my thread all the time.......

OH! I didn't catch that - I've been through both of your threads and never saw a time when you would "drive-by" each other's threads - my bad! I'll have to go back and re-read.

Really?
Thats it?
No update?

{{{{Amazin'}}}}}}

No, that's not all!!!!

Actually, Mr. Not is pretty sick tonight. He's not pretty when he's sick. So I've been taking care of him all night, and by doing that, I've been trying to post this by my phone. Every time I start, I get sidetracked with him. By the time I get back, my post is gone.....

It's been exasperating!!!!

I promise I'll give ya a proper update tomorrow...:...

It's so good to see you again......

Not

Sorry to hear that Not2fun.
Take care of your husband.
When you get a chance, come back and give us an update on how your recovery is going.

March is only one month away! Get the bubbly ready.

Amazin',

I'd ask how you are, but you've already answered!!! Though, I'm curious as to what you have been doing for YOU lately.....

Four years is such a long time to not have this wrapped up. It saddened me to read that. I can't believe it's been that long!!!!!

Good to hear about DD though. Teenagers!!!!!

And so sweet of you to ask about me!!!!

Ya know, about a yr ago a newer (F)WS asked me the rollercoaster ride of infidelity ended? I told them, "I think you only get off just to get on a new one...."

No, not a infidelity ride, but other trials in life......

The Not household has been through a lot since Aug of 2010. Ddnow18, took The family on a very wild and nasty ride. It was an extremely trying time for all of us. Luckily, I was able to use some Plan A & Plan B type techniques with her that worked extremely well for us. The situation was much harder on Mr. Not than me, though. I was often struck at this time by the comparison of my wayward daughter and the WS Mr. Not. Entitlement at it's finest. In the end, our prodigal daughter return, bruised and battered of course, but not without some hard lessons learned!!!! Today she is doing remarkably well and some days I wonder if in the end, it wasn't all worth it. She returned home in May of 2011, and it seemed for awhile life might return to normal.

And then it didn't. Mr. Not suffered from a heart attack in Sept. That shook us all to our core. After all, he was only 36 at the time!!!

So, yes, in so many ways I, no WE, have moved on from the affair. Life does go on. New trials, new triumphs, new experiences.....they all come our way. The hardest part has been not to become complacent or revert to old ways. In some ways, we still deal with that. Right now, we are exhausted and tired...it's been a long 18 months!!!

On a good note.....I have kept the weight off!!!! Well, I did regain about 12 lbs of it, but have stayed pretty even for a long while now.

So, you're threatening to send nasty grams, huh????....

Alls fair in love and war, old friend..... Personally, I should get to send you one for 1) being MIA and 2) just in case any of those "longing" feelings return again!!!

Ok....is that a better update for ya????

Not

Good to see you around again Not, sorry to hear about your daughter and the heart attack (at 36 OMG...hope there wasn't much damage...how does that even happen?).

My dad was speaking to me several months ago and I don't know how accurate this is but he claimed that there was a bump up in heart attacks in men around the age of 40. It's the age where we still think we can climb mountains, run marathons and shovel entire driveways without batting an eye and...we can't. Not that we can't do those things at all...just that we have to do them smarter. We have to say "I'm not 20 anymore I need to be careful, slower, more deliberate and conscious of our bodies". Around age 40 guys don't recognize that but by 45 they do and the bump up in heart attacks decreases a bit. So says my dad.

God bless,

Mr. Wondering

I would listen to your dad Mr. W. I'm 47 and I can definitely feel the differences in my body. At 42 young years of age I was 10 feet tall and bullet proof. 5 years later...meh. Life does catch up with you. It sucks, but hey, that's life.

What I have found though is that going half-bore is just as satisfying as full-bore if you look at it from a logical perspective. Took a couple of years to come to that realization (denial is tough), but I finally got it.

I'm not a lesser man for it. Just more seasoned.

And I can live with that

Oh, dear. Not, does your husband know that you post here?

Bliss...I read that as Not2fun indicating she felt Amazi deserved a 2x4 for expressing he had some "longing" feelings for his stbxw recently.

As the divorce nears...Amazin' is feeling conflicted and Not is simply reminding him to stay the course and get far away from his WW....or "don't be conflicted...she was horrible to you and you longing for her again...is crazy...you, [amazi] deserve better"

At least...that's how I read it.

Mr. W

(sigh)

Did you just say you've read my thread before???

I'm seriously doubting this as this is the second faux pas you've committed....

What you are insinuating is beyond insulting.....

Thanks for stopping by and giving us an update Not.

Sorry to hear about your husband. 36 is very young to have a heart attack. My brother had one at 50 and I thought that was young. With proper medical treatment, drugs and a lifestyle change hopefully your husband will be back to normal shortly.

Most teenagers go through a rebellious period. Some are more rebellious than others. For me it seemed that girls rebellion was more intense than the boys.

My daughter is doing much better. She left the state run home in the summer of 2010. Since then she's only had one angry outburst toward me and that was about a year ago. She was looking for a job for a long time without any offers. She was getting frustrated. Costco was opening a new store in our area and I took the initiative help her fill out an on-line application. Her attitude was "what's the use? They're just going to bring in people from other stores and have probably already hired everyone else." Well a couple of days later she got a call for an interview. She got the job! Costco is actually one of the better employers, even for part time employees. She's making $11.00 an hour, has benifits and a 401K plan. Having a job and going to school has kept her busy. And for her I think that's half the battle. you know... and idle mind is the devils workshop. She still has a lot of maturing to do though. She's still struggling in school and is still learning how to manage her money. I've been trying to help her learn how to manage her money but she's still of the mindset that "Dad dosen't know anything". Ok... I guess she'll just have to learn the hard way.

My son is supposed to be going to Navy boot camp in April, and my other daughter can't figure out what she wants to do.

Me... I retired from the military last summer and I'm currently un-employed and looking for a job. As for my recent longing... it's probably just the work of the devil on another idle mind. I've got too much time on my hands. I'd like to work on fixing up my house but I don't really want to spend the money until I have another source of income. Right now I probably have enough money in savings to last me until late spring or early summer. And the stress of not knowing when I'll have another job takes a toll.

OK... enough about me and my situation. That's my story and I'm sticking too it.

Thanks again for the update not2fun. Now if only wildhorses74 will get on here and update...along with a few others.. It'll be like a MB reunion.

Here I am! I knew I needed to take some time to post to you - I know I'm wordy so I needed a good CHUNK of time.

I don't remember where exactly we left off but I'll see what I can cover.

My DDs are doing extremely well and I'm so proud of who they are becoming. We've had some bumps for sure, but all in all, I'd say we survived.

DD17 graduates from high school this year and is moving out of state to go to school. I thought I was going to be okay with that and then she got in 2 major car accidents. The first one was with her boyfriend and he was driving. They hit black ice and went end over end. DD18's boyfriend was with him and was the only one hurt - badly broken arm. We are so lucky - DD17 was sleeping in the backseat with no seatbelt on. They landed on the side of the truck and she crawled out the back window. They could have been thrown out so easily......

The latest one, she was driving and her tire went of the shoulder into the dirt and she overcorrected at 55 mph. How she didn't roll, I will never know. They ended up in the bottom of the barrow pit on all four tires. Car is totalled after hitting a mailbox and going into the ditch a couple of times. Ugh.

DD18 is still living at home and going to college. She and I plan on opening business together when she graduates next year.

Unfortunately, he BF gave her a promise ring the other day. She says the timeline is a "long time." Let's hope that is true......

I would hate to see her get into this too young like I did. And I don't particularly like her BF - he is pretty controlling and hovers alot.

I've been dating HRG for a few years. Things are going well, albeit slow. Now that DDs are growing up and moving out, I'm looking forward to some progression with him.

WxH and babs are still together. Pretty unhappily as far as I hear. I don't hear much. I have moved on and am in a very good place personally. I am so much better off without him and anything I do hear makes me feel grateful that I don't have to deal with him anymore.

Summer of 2010 my mother was severely beaten by her husband. they had only been married for 2 years. She had a lot of facial damage and had to have reconstructive surgery. Much of my time was spent supporting her recovery and being involved with the court system to keep him incarcerated. He contacted her against a court order about 6 months after the assault and she is now firmly back under his influence. She testified for him and was doing everything she could to get him released. My sisters and I stood firmly in the prosecutor's camp and did everything we could to keep him from her. It was a pretty trying time and the family is still split. He was sentenced to 10 years to the Department of Public Health and Human Services so he is at the state mental hospital for now. He has MS and was given alot of latitude for that. Once he is off certain medications that are not allowed in prison, he will be transfered to prison.

Talk about lives changing in moments...... Mom will never mentally be the same.

I'm glad to see things have improved somewhat with your DD. It's pretty tough to know what the "right" thing to do is - especially when they think they already know.

I hope you find some peace soon with the D. I commend you for hanging in there. It's no easy task. Know that there are better things to come and this too shall pass. Sounds trite, I know, but I have found it to be the truth. I am not so tormented anymore.

I hope things improve for you and you can leave this all behind you. I believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason. They don't all stay forever and some of them shouldn't.

Take care, friend.

Fox

I remember that! We had some good times in the middle of all the trauma, didn't we. Something about misery loves company and all that.....

Wow Fox, that was a long post. LOL

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. You're doing the right thing even if she doesn't think so.

Your DD was lucky with the accident. STBX FIL did give me one good piece of advice when it came to first cars for your kids... Don't spend a lot of money becuase they'll probably wreck it anyway. He was right DS 21 wrecked his first car and DD20 wrecked hers. DS's car was totaled, DD was lucky and got her's fixed for $1000.00. Neither one was hurt. I think they were more upset about loosing what they worked hard to pay for than anything. It's a hard lesson but a valuable one I think. (Be careful and take care of what you have)


You're a pretty wise mother, hopefully she'll listen to any advice you give her. You never know, sometimes things work themselves out. When I was going through all my crap DS moved in with his 16yo girlfriend and her parents. (I couldn't believe her parents would allow it.) Anyway to make a long story short DS went to college, eventually broke up with her and came home. (Prodigal Son).


And that's probably the crux of where I'm at. This has been going on for four years... I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and can't move on until the divorce is finalized. I can't re-finance or sell my house until the divorce is finalized. And I wont compromise on my morals by dating before the divorce is finalized. I'd like to move on and start dating again. I'm lonely and have a desire for adult companionship. But... even if I was divorced tomorow I don't think I'm ready to date. I don't really feel like I'm in a healthy place emotionally or mentally for dating. Too much baggage maybe?

Fox, thanks for stopping by and updating.

Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger friend.

Luckily, it wasn't any of my money at all. Both DDs have bought their own cars and pay for their own insurance. DD18 has not wrecked anything (knock on wood.) DD17 is just too confident, I think, and that gets her in trouble when she gets herself in a situation she "thought" she could handle. Thank goodness she lived to learn. The hit to our insurance is completely absorbed by her.


I sure hope so. We've had some good talks about it and his general treatment of her. I try to walk a very careful line to not knock him, just in case she does choose to go foward with it. I have a feeling he would encourage her to cut off all ties with me.


The state of being in limbo is what is the most emotionally damaging. It feels like we are still be controlled and even after what the waywards did, they still have the power over us. If a decision could just be made, even if it is not in our favor, at least we would have something concrete to address and move on from. The unknown just keeps us suspended.



I'm not sure I would wait until you think all your baggage has been left behind. Sometimes it never is. I've found that as my relationship with HRG progresses, I can identify that baggage and address it - instead of waiting for it magically to disappear. I don't think it can disappear until you work through it. Luckily HRG is very understanding and will talk through it with me. I often fear a WxH reactionfrom HRG - but I never actually get one. That helps me move past some of that baggage and begin to trust him.

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Hi Amazin,

Thank you for the update! You are a success story!

I'm so sorry things are still being strung along with your D!
I pray you'll be able to close this door soon and have complete peace again.

Sexymambear and I have been very busy, but we are doing great.

We are currently in China completing our second adoption this past year. It's a process we started two years ago. Since the Hague Convention limits our ability to discuss these adoptions, until they are complete, we have been very quite about them. We adopted a seven yr old last march and just adopted a little four year old about a week ago. Both of our China Dolls were abandoned,institutionalized and lived in orphanages for most of their lives. The plight of orphaned little ones with special needs touches our hearts, but we're not ones to just talk about it.... Which is why we now have two beautiful new Daughters. We are blessed!

Our oldest just married a beautiful young lady in the fall. Our 17dd is making plans to go away to college and our teen boys are keeping me busy just watching them grow up... All is well, (today).

SMB doesn't post much at all, she doesn't like being triggered and decided, for now, it's better to keep a distance from the forums. We still discuss and work the MB Program daily, the way it was designed, as well as Trusting in God to continue supplying the Grace and Mercy we need each day.

I'm so grateful God lifted the scales from my eyes and gave me a second chance to be the man he called me to be.
I was blind, but now I see....


Be Well!