Sadly, I find myself here seeking comfort and advice. I have been married for 11 yrs, we have 3 children ages 9, 7 and 10 months. My husband has an affair that in theory is over. I have come to the realization of everything that lead to the affair, our marriage was already in trouble. Husband meets this woman through some friends. They friend each other on FB. I go visit my family over the summer, she offers to help him clean the house to get it ready for our arrival as I am 7 months pregnant at the time. Well, she actually picked us up from the airport, offered to watch our kids so we could go on a Date for our 10th anniversary, befriends me, becomes extremely helpful. Her kids and mine become friends, they (her kids and her) start spending the night with us. I felt she and my husband were talking/texting too much, so I put spyware on my husband's phone catch some very sexual txts between them, confront them and they both swear it was just silly bantering. I am over reacting, it's the pregnancy hormones, you know just making me look crazy. I tell them they are not to communicate with each other unless it is through me, they both agree.

Months go by, I deliver our 3rd baby, she is there to take photos and just be a good friend. That is when I let my guard off. I was busy with a new baby, tired, sleepless, etc. they start txting again. I didn't really pay much attention. FF to this summer. Kids and I go on our usual trip to visit family, while I am there, I get the cold bucket, She confessed the affair to her husband. He makes her cut ties with my whole family, we exchange some txts, etc. They swear this time it is really over, they didn't mean to hurt anyone, it just happened, they are so much alike, they are "in love" but that they were never going to contact each other again because nothing good could come from the destruction of both families. I reiterated to both that my children and I would move with my family if the affair continued. (in another country, to which I was told I was using the kids as leverage and weapons, but the reality is we would not make it on our own here, with no emotional and enough financial support)

FF to a week ago, I discovered that my husband had a "hidden phone", obviously to communicate and txt with her. I lose my cool, wake up my kids in the middle of the night and tell them we are leaving because daddy has chosen to be with someone else and does not love any of us any more (I know terrible move but I was livid, hurt and couldn't think straight). He begs me to not take the kids but I tell him, he should have thought of that before he continued with the affair. Next day, I decide to send messages to her husband (who had my blocked on FB, so a friend of mine sent the msg), her parents and her aunt. Her aunt answers with a very nasty msg and sure enough after having me blocked from fb and her phone, I start receiving msgs from her how I was worse than her and my husband for hurting innocent people by spewing my venom by telling them about the affair. They continue to txt, now through my WH's regular cell line (as I confiscated the phone). My friend msgs her husband, he unblocks me, I show my evidence that they are still contacting each other after she promised him ties were cut. Next morning, I get a txt from her saying my words were so hurtful because all the truth they carried, that she didn't do any of this on purpose to hurt anyone that she loved me and my kids and that she would back off and tell her husband about her heart being compromised by loving another man but that they knew nothing good could come of their relationship, built on the destruction of our families.

My WH, says he is in love with her and that he simply doesn't want to lose his kids by me taking them away. He sees it as a punishment but I have explained to him that I cannot be the mother our kids deserve, if he leaves me high and dry. I have no Emotional support here and I am a SAHM, so financially I depend on him, he says he will pay for everything but as is we can't afford it much less with 2 households and I know eventually he will get tired of paying all the bills over here and then my baby will have to go to daycare while I work, my older kids will have to give up their after school activities and there will be issues when they get sick, school days off, breaks, etc. With my family, I know who would care for them while I work, pick them up if they get sick at school, take them to a doctor, watch them when not in school and they would help me get on my feet.

I told him the choices are out there. Either, we work it out as a couple/family; or, he leaves us and puts all of us in a bad situation as we would not be able to afford to stay in our home and I was sure he would probably support us fully the first few months but then would stop wanting to give me all his paychecks to keep the kids's lifestyle the same way it has been til now. He knows communicating with her will cause a tragedy as her husband threaten to kill mine and from what I've heard, he would do it. So I reminded him, she was no longer an option or he was not putting his children's best interest first; third choice was he let me and the kids go with my family, he can go visit them and I can bring them during their summer break. That the least selfish choice was working it out but if that was impossible then letting us go was best for the kids and myself.

He refuses counseling. He says that he knows that they will just say what he doesn't want to hear. I asked how long did I have to live in limbo and he said he didn't know what he wanted to do. I told him he has til the end of this month to decide if he wants to work it out, if he does not have an answer by then, the kids and I will start getting ready to move.

I know he is in the withdrawal stage. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Susie, I am so sorry you are in this dilemma. The first thing I would do is expose his affair. I would even consider posting the OW on cheaterville. Go to the link in my signature for exposure tactics. It should be exposed wide and far immediately.

The second thing I would do is demand he end his affair TODAY. If he won't end his affair and PROVE it has ended I would ask him to leave. You can't drag this out any longer and "give him time." You need relief NOW.

I would also stay in communication with the OW's husband and tell him everything you know. It sounds like the OW has told him lies about you.

I just wanted to let you know that there are many of us here who have been through this double betrayal with a WS and an alleged friend.

I also want you to know that there is hope to recover your marriage.


You will have to live in limbo for only as long as you will allow it. Your WH wants BOTH of you and is not ready to give up either one yet because he is hoping that you are not serious about leaving and is trying to convince you to stay.

Your husband needs to see that you are SERIOUS about how you will be treated. I know you may think that demanding that he end his affair with this skank will only push them closer together...but it is not the case...because remember that he wants BOTH of you including his children.


Affairs are fantasy. Consequences and the light of day are strong weapons in killing the delusion that they are living under.

Ignore anyone who says that you are mean and spiteful for telling the truth. It is the affair that is mean and devastating for your family...not your telling the truth.

I have exposed her, that is what first pissed her off and then she came to realize I had not said anything she didn't know to be true. She has told the husband. I believe she is trying to move on. The affair is pretty much over at the moment. I only exposed my husband to my brother, as he does not have a relationship with his mother and rarely speak to his father. I was going to tell his sister but not even sure if it is worth it at this point. He doesn't really have any close friends. Should I still tell the people he knows? FB friends? He said he knew she is no longer an option but he cannot get past my transgression of telling my kids he didn't love any of us. That he wonders what other horrible things I've said to them about him. Now, in my defense, my 9 yr old had already asked me why his dad was so hateful to me, why he was always angry and why he never had time for us. He straight out asked if his dad loved us before all this went down. The other thing is, my children loved this woman as you love an aunt, her kids were their friends and as weird as it sounds she was my friend, too. It is almost like she is 2 different people. For the first time in a while he called me "hunny" again, he greeted me with a kiss when he got home and he said "I love you" but then later the same night tells me he just doesn't want to lose his kids, meaning, he doesn't care losing me. I mean is my husband even going through withdrawal or is he plain done with me?

Susie,
You should read Exposure 101 in MelodyLane signature above and follow those instructions.
proper exposure usually kills most affairs however it's also where most betrayed spouses fail to carry through.
The Exposure 101 thread gives you instructions on how to do this.

Start preparing to move now. Don't wait until the end of the month as WH flops around and stresses you out more. You would move out of the country? I assume your children already have passports since your recently traveled to visit your family? So long as no divorce papers have been filed/served you should be able to travel anywhere you want with the kids but you may want to double ck. Int'l travel may have a different standard than domestic.

Welcome to MB. Sorry for your hurt.

Also, I would post OW on www.cheaterville.com.
Post the facts and ideally some sort of proof on the site too.

Yes tell the father, sister and any close friends who can support you.


x 100

YOU need to talk to her BH, do not believe for a second he has accurate information if he has received it from the OW. The one thing you know about her, is that she is a liar. He deserves to know the truth, not some twisted version from affairland.

What does this mean? There is no such thing as 'pretty much over.' It is either over, meaning that they have NO CONTACT this includes even keeping tabs on each other through social media, or there is contact in which case the affair is ON.

She has told the husband LIES, so if you have not told the husband everything and offered to stay in touch with him, then you have not covered your bases with him.


It is not over.

\
Tell his family members and ask them to speak to him. Even tho there might not be a strong relationship, they do have influence over him.


"Your transgressions??" That takes some AMAZING NERVE after what he has done to you and your kids. TEll him he was not demonstrating "love" to his kids when he was jeopardizing their FABRIC OF THEIR LIVES with his filthy affair with a hoe.


The FOX says nice things to get into the hen house. The OW is your enemy and was all along. She is a beast who caused great harm to you and your children.

It is very important that you expose this affair PROPERLY. Especially to the OW's husband. It is vitally important that he has all the information and knows everything. Her family and close friends on facebook should be informed. I would also expose that skank on cheaterville.com

I guess I was not clear enough. I have spoken to the BH, I keep in contact with him. There has been no contact as far as I can tell since last week. They are blocked from each others fb. The reason I say it is pretty much over and not over is that they have gone the no contact way once before and after 2 weeks my WH bought a phone and contacted her, she didn't refuse his call. So to me, even if there is no contact, I can't be sure if there will ever be. I'd ask the BH to ask her to change her number but I am not sure he will make her change it. I would change my husband's but that serves no purpose as he is the one who contacted her first with a different number.

her family was informed, I exposed her before I read anything here, now on my husband's side I did not expose, is it still a good time to do so?

I hope you realize what a predator this woman is, and do not harbor any guilt or sadness in terminating this 'friendship.' She is no friend and never was, to you or your family. She is a predator who operated like a scam artist, building up trust just to rob you blind.

I just think her husband is in denial though. According to him, the texts all pointed out to her trying to solve MY marital issues, not to having an affair. He is the one that said his WW was just trying to help my WH fix his marriage. In her message to her husband she was clear though, she wanted him to be fully aware of her feelings before he made a decision to forgive her as she wanted him to be clear her "heart was compromised by loving another man". He wants to believe it was one sided affair but she says otherwise, he is in denial. As far as I am concerned, they were both into having this affair. I know, I should not harbor any sadness (guilt I don't feel) over the ending of this so called friendship but it is hard not to, I mean I can't find words to explain it. She must really be like a drug that causes bad addiction. I told her exactly what you said. That she built my trust just to rob me. I will never allow anyone into my life the way I did her. She rob so much more than just my marriage. I can only hope my husband can recover from such an addiction and do right by us.

How far away does this hoe live and work from you all? Is it likely you and your h will be crossing paths?

You need a lot more than hope, susie. You need a plan..and not Plan Hope. Can you finish the exposure today? You need to get that part done ASAP.

My W is from Brazil. In order for her to be permitted (by the Brazillian government) to take my 4 year old for a visit it Brazil, I had to sign a paper at the Brazillian consulate.
That document expires in 2 years.

In my country they do not require anything. I know because I go every year. Now to keep them there, I would need his permission, in theory but in reality only if he chooses to make a stink.

She lives about 40 miles away. We will probably not cross paths, not by chance, I have nothing to do in her town and she rarely comes to my city.


I will try to finish that after my kids are in bed but this promises to be a long night, with my oldest and his school work he missed for being sick.

susie,

You need to stay focused and do one thing at a time.
Right now, you need to expose this affair properly.
Read the Exposure 101 thread in Melody Lane signature and follow the instructions there.
I also encourage you to place the OW on www.cheaterville.com ideally with some type of evidence.

I wrote a letter to FIL, I will mail it in the morning. I will tell my sil also in the morning. I have sent fb messages to all the friends he ever talks about but not the entire fb friends list. Or should I send to every single person on his friend's list?

I would send it to all of his friends.
The idea is that one of them with influence may contact him and encourage him to permanently end the affair and work on recovery.

Now, are you using the letter template in Exposure 101?

For fb yes, for my FIL, I just wrote letter. I told him how the affair has affected his grandkids.

I have a doubt, when is an affair considered over? I mean it takes 2 to tango, so if one of them has sent a letter saying it's over don't contact me again, is it considered over or only when your spouse sends such a letter? The thing is if she is not persuing my husband in any way and he technically is not contacting her in any form but still moping and sulking about being in love with her, is it considered an ended affair or a dying affair that could be resparked?

It is not ended.

Not until he recommits to you on bended knee with hat in hand (and there continues to be zero contact with OW ).

There needs to be zero contact. I recommd. Setting up vars to keep an ear on him. (Just for your own peace of mind)

Have you been tested for STDs?

Last test was back at the end of October before my baby was born. Now they both say they only got physical twice, once last summer and once this summer

Re: How to survive? [Re: susiew]



susie. You are living in a house and town full of triggers with a WH who refuses to commit to the marriage. Not to mention the fact that none of the opportunities that made the affair possible have been shut down. You cannot rebuild or recover a marriage like this.

You are signing up for a death of a thousand cuts.


If you were my own daughter, I would tell her to expose the affair and then pack up and move out leaving only a Plan B letter behind. You have been in Plan A for way to long and your health is going to start to suffer.


I do not for one second believe that this affair is over or dying. I can say that having been in the exact same situation as you. You sound like a smart woman...do you really believe it is over and that you can recover your marriage while staying in affair land?

I have exposed the affair via fb to my WH's friends. I know 3 have seen it and read it but only 1 has replied. The person that replied was highly upset about my husband's affair and will express their disapproval and encourage him to end the affair.

While I would gladly leave, I just cannot do so. I do not have the financial means to do so right now and I have no where to go as my family is in another country. I will not take my kids to a homeless shelter. I will make this transition, the least traumatic possible for my children and that might mean remaining here until next summer, when my children and I would take our usual trip to see my family and remain there but in the meantime I can work on all the legalities of moving them to another country.That way if there is any chance this marriage survives, I won't have disrupted their education (as they would not be able to return to their current schools). If my marriage goes down the drain, then they can start fresh a new school year in my country.

Contact has ended (so far, I am 100% positive, no hidden phone as I have every single penny accounted for). My WH is coming home at an appropriate time considering his work schedule and travel time. He has worked a few hours over time but not without calling me to let me know. I have a tracker on his phone, so I know where he is. Whether or not he is done, I don't know. I don't understand when this "withdrawal" period starts and what it looks like. I thought the "I am in love with her", "our relationship was broken already" and all those phrases were part of it.

Maybe, I am just blind and grasping on straws here.

Did you post the OW on www.cheaterville.com?
Strong exposure is essential to killing an affair

Susie, you have done a great job thus far! Now the real work begins. I would go to him with a PLAN to save your marriage. He can either agree or he can move out. If he moves out he will be legally obliged to continue to support you.

As long as the affair is over, you can lead your marriage out of the ditch if you follow this program. If you don't follow this program your marriage won't make it and you will end up divorced.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, you should get it asap and start working that program with your husband.

Here is the checklist:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I have not posted her on cheaterville. It would only be fair if I posted both her and my WH as they BOTH are cheaters.

I requested it from the library.I will read your other post when my kids are in bed. Thanks!

Susie, you need to OWN that book becsaue you will need to read it over and over and take notes in it. If you can't pay for it, I would email Dr Harley at the radio show asking him for advice for your situation. If you include your address they will send you a free book.

Susiew,

You may want to get a polygraph for your WH, two times they were intimate, sorry that does not add up. Then share the real story with the OWH.

I hope your children no longer have contact with OW children and they know what OW did to their family.

God Bless
Gamma

Ok, I emailed Dr. Harley. I will still get the book from the library to start reading it, if Dr. Harley sends me a complementary copy, great. If not I will buy one as soon as I have the funds.

On a positive note, after an awful beginning of the evening, I was able to talk to him with no arguments and he agreed to have a "date" Friday night. This is a huge improvement. He said that he does love me, he just didn't want or think he could go back were we came from. And I told him we never had to go back there, we could go to a much better place together as a couple and a family, if he so desired.

I am thinking at least one of his friends contacted him about it. I won't know until tomorrow as I would have to turn on my desktop to log in to his fb (which I have access to).

Ok now for some advice on my date night. I suggested we did something simple and free like go walk by the river just so we could be alone, just the 2 of us with no children or social media interfering. Just pay $20 bucks to my teenage neighbor to babysit the kids. Should I bring printed copies of the emotional needs questionnaire? or should I wait on those? Should I try to get him to tell me more about the affair? Should I talk about my expectations and ask him about his? I feel like a freaking teenager who's crush finally invited her to go out on a date!

No, you are battling an affair and it is not your role to be "fair."
There is a proverb as old as the world: "All is far in love and war."
There are no rules in war and you are in a battle to save your marriage.

Post the woman on Cheaterville and expose her for the whole community

Gamma, I know it sounds suspicious and off course they could be lying but with the timeline, it does kind of sound about correct. This affair is mostly emotional, it had a lot of sexting but I also found some txt about guilt and shame. I think at this point the exact number of times they were intimate is not going to change anything. One or a thousand is all the same, wrong and hurtful and dangerous. I was tested for STD's before I delivered my son 10 months ago. I will get tested again just in case.

None of the children have contact any longer. It pains me to see my kids missing their friends. And from the OPH, his kids constantly ask about my children. He says you can see the pain in his WW when the kids ask about me and my children. Either way, she could have avoided this heart ache for her children if she had not pursuit this affair. Kids are resilient, they will all be fine in time. Mine are aware, while they miss their friends and this woman, they want nothing to do with her. Hers are in the dark and will probably never know why their best friends simply vanished.

Tonight, I go to bed with a little bit of hope that with lots of sacrifice and following MB, I can work on saving my marriage.

I would not discuss the affair or recovery on your dates. The dates should be light and pleasant.

But did you read my post about recovery? You really have to launch a recovery plan or your marriage won't make it. I would sit him down tomorrow night and go over the plan for recovery. That needs to start asap.

I believe I did read it but things are so blurry in my head right now. I will need to re read it, probably many times over. I will try to sit him down tomorrow. The way he has always been is he shuts down, under pressure, so I don't want to seem to be putting too much pressure too soon.

I would sit him down and review the plan of recovery with him. It is not negotiable. Having no plan is a plan to fail. The checklist is the first step in affair proofing your marriage and the Basic Concepts is your plan to create a new marriage. If he shuts down, then your marriage is shut down!

Susiew,

You wrote, I think at this point the exact number of times they were intimate is not going to change anything. One or a thousand is all the same, wrong and hurtful and dangerous. I was tested for STD's before I delivered my son 10 months ago. I will get tested again just in case.

The important detail however is that if it was 1000 times your WH is still lying to you, and your WH is still sharing a secret with OW which is an intimacy you are excluded from. A secret second life is impossible if your WH is honest and transparent.

I would suggest you send the contact info. for a polygraph expert to the OWH too.

The STD thing should be done sooner than later, HPV has become a significant cause of various cancers, and since you do not know how promiscuous OW was, you have no idea how much at risk you are.

http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/

God Bless
Gamma

You are right, I will address all of this with him, hopefully tonight. The OWH wants no more contact from me, unless, I find that my WH and his WW have been in contact again. I have made an appt to test for std's.

Joyce asked me to be a caller. Makes me nervous, but it is a great opportunity to get direct advice from them.

When will you be a caller?

Not sure, I will call her in the am and they will tell me then, I guess.

Ok, is any reaction other than the WH being pissed that you exposed the affair, normal? My husband has been contacted by 2 people about the affair. My FIL called him (I had left him a vm asking him to call me but he called his son first, FIL was not aware of the affair because I mailed the letter today, so he has not received it.) So I have no idea if my husband told him or not. As a matter of fact, my husband never told me he spoke with his dad today. WH has not reacted in anger for the exposure (he might have seen it coming as I did expose the OW to her family and he knew it). Honestly, we had no time to sit and speak tonight as the kids were impossible to settle. He has not been "lovey" but not plain hateful as he has been lately. He still agreed to go out on our "date" tomorrow night.

Usually the wayward is furious about exposure.
So I hope you have exposed it "far and wide"

Well, I contacted everyone on his fb. Mailed his dad, even though I tried to call him but fil called wh instead.

So should I be worried about his non furious reaction?

No, as a general rule you should not "worry" about anything a fogged out wayward does.
It's a waste of time to try to figure out their thinking process

I just read through your thread.
You said that you exposed the affair fully and the list below is what you really need to focus on at this point:

Thanks Jedi_Knight. I will work on those.

Susiew,

You wrote, Well, I contacted everyone on his fb. Mailed his dad, even though I tried to call him but fil called wh instead.

Don't recall but did you hit everyone on OWs facebook as well, you need to enforce that any fantasy OW has of ever getting back together as friends is dead.

God Bless
Gamma

I can't see her contacts on FB, she has blocked me. Some of my wh's friends are also her friends, so there is not much I can do. Her husband has not blocked me but I cannot see his friends' list either.

Either way, I don't think I want to even try to save this marriage anymore. Even though they have not had any contact since last Thursday, I am done with being treated with disrespect. We were supposed to go out tonight, he turned off his phone and did not come home til 9pm.

Susie,
It's time to grow up. You seem to operate on wishes and hopes. Well, if wishes were fishes the ocean would be full.

Melody said that if you fail to plan, then you plan to fail. And that is truth. You cannot operate from the "hope" that he will stop seeing this other woman. And you can't expect him to have a light date with him after you exposed his cheating @$$ far and wide. (It's good that you did, by the way.)

You must demand that your husband follow extraordinary precautions (EP's) on the list Melody and Jedi gave you. Recovering from an affair is serious business, and if you don't get serious about it and your husband doesn't serious about it, you are in for a lot of misery.

Hold him accountable to the EP's and make that the first order of business. If you don't, the message he will get is, "I can do this again. My wife isn't serious about holding me accountable." Don't let that happen, Susie. Be strong and assertive or you will get walked on again. Can't you see the pattern?

He doesn't want to make any effort. I've been trying to get him to agree to even work on the marriage and he says yes, then no. He needs to grow up and I am done. He says it is not even about the affair, her just doesn't love me romantically anymore and hasn't for years. I cannot live like this. It is affecting me and the kids. I told him to leave.

Susie,

Did you kick him out of the house?

Basically, yes... He just left. I told him he needed to either commit to "trying" to save our marriage or leave. He chose to leave. I guess it is over.

Susie,
I dont think this affair is over.
You should post the OW on www.cheaterville.com
Tell your story and if possible post a couple of the sexting messages on there as proof.

He may return tonight or tomorrow.
Don't expect your marriage is over because he is choosing his affair partner over you at this point.
Post her on Cheaterville for good public exposure.
And immediately prepare for "Plan B."

Are you familiar with Plan B?

I don't have any of those messages anymore, the computer I used to get a hold of those broke.

I don't know if it is over or not but I am done fighting. I have no prove that it is still on going. He committed adultery, so hopefully I can get full custody and permission to relocate with my children.

I read plan B. I don't even care anymore. I am so numb. He can stay with her if he so wishes. Yes, my kids lose their dad but they will gain a whole lot of support from my brother, dad and uncle in addition of my aunts. Kids are resilient, they will be fine. I made him give me his whole paycheck of this week before he left. He has like $50 in an acct and that is it.

Then post her on Cheaterville without the text messages but get her posted.
You need to stay focused on this.

You need to be familiar with Plan B and prepare for it for your own mental health.
Plan B is not a plan to win him back. It is a plan designed to protect YOU

Well, I have no idea where he will be living but he has to support this household in it's entirety since I am a SAHM. I know he won't be able to, that will probably help me out with relocation.

I need to find an IM... thought his sister but then read that in laws are not a good idea. I also need to write the letter but I am not feeling it right now.

Just focus on posting on Cheaterville for now and then take some time for yourself

I really don't understand the point of doing this. He doesn't want me in his life period. What good will exposing her on cheaterville do? most of his friends have replied with oh so sorry, very disappointing but only one has told him how stupid breaking up our family is and the others have simply said they don't know the whole situation so all they can do is send thoughts and prayers for all of the involved.

Susie,
Public shame causes chaos in the affair.
Right now he is in the fog, like a drug addict on drugs.
An addict only cares about their addiction.
But when the drug is taken away, they think more clearly.
That is the purpose of exposure.
You really need to stay focused and stop worrying about what he says or does.

Ok, so I post her on cheaterville, I am sure as soon as she sees her post my phone will start blowing up. She will probably call him demanding I take her off the page. If they had had no contact since D-Day, won't that be counter productive?

Are you advising me I should keep fighting regardless of whether he wants to work on our marriage or not? Please don't take anything I say personally, I am just in shock myself and really have no clue what if I should keep fighting or if I am wasting my time.

You don't have to use cheaterville.
Exposure to family, friends etc fully and methodically will be fine.

Jedi and others do feel cheaterville is worthwhile.

I have reservations about it (though it wasn't available while I was exposing and I didn't save my marriage in the end so who am I to say). I think the site is sort of slimy looking though. In theory it is fine but the actual site is full of judgemental comments.

Susie, I am unsure why you believe the affair is over. I sure don't believe that and don't think it even matters. I would put the OW on cheaterville because it is therapeutic. It causes enormous chaos and conflict in the affair. Like you said, it will propel the OW to call your husband up screaming and carrying on. That will be great!!

I am catching up on your thread and that your H has left. In that case, you should go into Plan B.

Did you have a call with the Harleys yet?

He has been exposed to his friends and family. I have no way of contacting her friends or family except the ones I already did.

I seriously doubt that they have had no contact since D-Day.
You need to stick with the program and do it, not stand idly questioning every move.
Do you watch football? In every play, the football players have a plan on what they will do. They don't stop in the middle of the field questioning what the plan is.

Exposure brings the affair into the light of day.
If she likes being exposed to the whole world, then she can tell them that her affair is good and wholesome and won't be bothered at all.
But if she calls your husband complaining, then you know that he's not serious anyway because he would have already had her number blocked if there was true no contact.

This is where Cheaterville is so good for exposure

susie, did you read up about Plan B? If you don't go into Plan B, your husband will come in and out of your life at will and will drive you crazy. Going into Plan B is a great option because it puts you back in control of your life by shutting him out unless and until he meets your conditions.

Are you familiar with how it works?

I have not had the call with the Harleys yet. I don't know the affair to be over but I do not think there has been contact in the last 10 days. Off course, I can be wrong but at this point I am unsure that fighting to save this marriage is in my best interest. All I want is to be able to relocate myself with children to my home country.

I asked if he was willing to do anything to save our marriage and at first he said yes but then it turned into anything to keep my kids in the US, close to me. And that he loved me but he didn't feel romantic love for me and that he could never again feel it for me. He says it has nothing to do with the affair, that he felt that way way before he even met her. He left after I insisted he needed to leave because it was doing too much emotional damage to me to be treated so poorly and that I knew I didn't deserve his rejection, therefore having him around to keep belittling me in front of my children was not an option. I showed him MB webpage the Basic concepts page and he didn't even take a second look at it. That is when I told him to get his [censored] up, put ALL his paycheck on the desk and leave. He left but came back when I was asleep and slept in the other room and left around 6:45 to work (supposedly anyway).

I agree you should not be fighting for your marriage at this point, which is why I suggested going into Plan B. I like your plan to go live with your parents. Are you familiar with Plan B?

Plan B is a complete and totally dark separation that protects you from his abuse. You would initiate it with a love letter that gives him all of your conditions for reconciliation. You can read about it here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Reconciliation is never guaranteed, though. If he ever does agree to meet your conditions, you would decide whether or not it is in your best interest.

I read up on it. I am trying to find an IM, I will tell him today again, he needs to leave, but since I am a SAHM, he is obligated to pay for everything and I expect the paycheck cashed in the IM's hand (or his sister's hand) by 7pm every Friday with a copy of the check stub so I know he is giving me everything because we are living paycheck to paycheck so every penny I need to pay bills and feed my kids. What he does to feed and house himself and pay for gas to get to work is not my problem. He will not come in and out of the house and he will have a schedule to see the kids. He will have to figure it out cause he can't take them in the work truck and I am not "lending" him our only car to take them anywhere. He also cannot come spend time with them at MY house. And he cannot take them overnight unless IM sees that he has a fit place to take them and for my children's protection, with no room mates.

In the mean time his sister is finding out what I need to do to relocate the children but she believes that if I file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, everything is in my favor.

Melody, my family is in a whole other country, I can't just up and leave because of the legalities with the kids. I will have him leave, once everything else is worked out legally I will move myself and my children to my country. In the meantime, he will have to support himself and this household. I am not putting my baby in child care to go to work to make his life easier. Once I am back in my country, I will go to work, knowing my baby is in the best hands, those of his loving family.

I would change the locks today so he can't come in.

Is his check not direct deposited into your bank account? Having to hand over cash every week is going to be troublesome because it is another reason for contact you don't need.

And how old are your children? I would make up a visitation schedule and send it with your Plan B letter. For example, let him pick up the kids every Wednesday from 5 to 7 and Saturdays from 1 to 4.

Are you familiar with the Plan B letter? Can you post it here so we can give you feedback? Also, how will you get him the letter? You need to be able to give him the letter and then shut down all contact. There should be NO discussion, no nothing after he receives that letter. You can even email it to him.

My 2 older kids are 9 and 7, the baby is 10m. I guess my older kids can walk out the door with the baby. His check is not dd. Handing the cash would be no reason to contact me, if he either gives it to his sister, who is a few houses down from me or to the kids when he drops them off after visitation. the other option was having him pick them up from his sister's house and have him deposit the check but then he has access to the money. Now fact is, he cannot take the kids, he has no adequate transportation but again that is not my problem. I need a little time to write that letter because the love is just not there right now. I have nothing nice to say to him.

Melody, other than PM is there anyway to talk to you in private?

It sounds like a good plan! And you should write the letter in your own words. You don't have to write it like in the letter, but you do need to be kind and attractive.

One thing you could do is leave the kids at the sisters house and he can visit them there. But you are absolutely right, visitation is his problem, not yours.

Hit mod notify and type in your email address and ask the mods to send me your email. I will send you an email.